I'm ready to give up. POA has let me down with all the stress of caring.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by angiebails, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Not sure if I'm missing a point but.. You are his wife, you are legally married to him... Therefore, what's his is yours and what's yours is his..... history of what was doesn't come into it. and definitely has nothing to do with the ...... Um.... Polite term..... %^^#}*% kids....

    Ring the OPG

    I'm reading this situation as a form of bullying from the kids...

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  2. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello Angie l agree with what 2jays has said, l have never heard anything like what you are going through, its sounds like blackmail to me.
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi angiebails

    I am amazed that you are keeping so together; you are one wonderful woman to be so determined to stand by your husband
    and it's good to read that you have your sister supporting you

    maybe in the morning call the AS helpline for some more back-up; we're all writing to try to help but we're not legal experts - the operators are knowledgeable and may well have objective info to help you

    0300 222 1122 - usually open from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday, and from 10am - 4pm at weekends

    you must be reeling from all that is being thrown your way
    I hope your husband has settled tonight and you can relax enough to get a decent night's sleep

    best wishes
  4. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    I think I misread your post saying your solicitor rang the OPG. Others have thought you meant the daughter. If it was the daughter you can't trust what she has reported of the conversation she isn't going to accurately describe things from your perspective is she and in any case you MUST tell them all the facts and the subsequent hardship she has forced on you and your husband. Shredreck has given you the contact details of the AS helpline who will be able to advise and be informative. Please tell us all for you and your husbands sake you will phone them as soon as lines open tomorrow and then immediately phone the OPG. I don't know what the solicitor is doing for you but it isn't enough sand it's ineffective. Please be proactive and hopefully you will get peace of mind sooner than later.
  5. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Sadly not, there is nothing in law that says that as far as I know. What's in his name is his and in what her name is hers and joint accounts are split 50/50.
    If all the money is in his name then the person with the LPA has control of his money.
  6. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    Ontario canada
    What a sad sad state of affairs ...there has got to be something missing here...it makes no sense! Not sure why you won't make that call Angie ...I want to do it for you!!!
  7. Willow Tree

    Willow Tree Registered User

    Jul 6, 2016
    #87 Willow Tree, Oct 14, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
    Angie, so sorry this situation has arisen.

    I'm in the US, not in the UK, but my instinct tells me that if you really think it's possible your husband can re-prove his competence (as I think you stated the GP could do), he could IMMEDIATELY revoke this POA.

    I do know the stress of this is too, too much for him AND for you.

    If nothing else, PLEASE get help immediately from the regulating authorities, as others are urging.

    It almost sounds to me like your existing solicitor may have some conflict of interest of which you are unaware, in that she's apparently urging you to cede to the offending party's wishes (as in justifying 3 years worth of bank statements).

    So unfair. But one has to be careful to not be "broken" to the point of accepting an unacceptable settlement, simply due to frustration, exhaustion, and "wearing down." I truly cannot understand how these children can be putting their own father on a minimal, subsistence "allowance" and preventing him and you from accessing the ordinary funds you both need to live your lives to the standards you have been living them before the invocation of this POA.

    You may even need a better or different solicitor, just in case they are looking more after your daughter-in-law's interests than your own. This has been known to happen in these situations (legal reps playing both ends against the middle).

    Just some thoughts; I do hope you can get some support and a reprieve soon. No one caring for a Loved One should have to endure such maltreatment and extra financial stress, in my opinion.

    Hugs and Hope for a better day tomorrow; we're all pulling for you both! I hope this can be resolved quickly and fairly and without further stress to you and Hubby.

    Willow Tree
  8. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    As per I have been up most of the night not because of my husband but because it is playing in my mind. I shall ring the public guardian and ask them what by law I have to hand over to his children regarding statements etc. as this is invading in our personal affairs.
    His daughter has worked out exactly how much I have withdrawn from the bank over the last 3 years and how much I have spent in total. She is not happy about how much we have spent so wants every detail of his affairs for the last 3 years. Perhaps she would like to use these figures in assessing my weekly allowance as £150 doesn't cover it.
    Thanks to everyone for your help and advice and I am taking it all on board, yesterday was my worst day so far and I broke down as I don't think I could take any more. But today is another day and I shall try to be stronger I have so many things to sort and have no energy to do it but thanks to the help my sister gave me yesterday I do feel better. She has looked through all my accounts and written everything up for me and she has read the letters that his daughter has sent via the solicitor which I could not even open.
    She gladly gave up her day off work for me and my husband which is more than his son and daughter have done in the last 5 years.
    Here's to a better day as I have my husband to think of and yesterday was hard for him with me spending the day in break down and then hours sorting this. He thinks things will stay the same. Perhaps ignorance is bliss.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  9. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    I'm so pleased to hear you're going to call the OPG. But one thing jumped out at me from your post, that you're going to ask them what you have to hand over by law as far as bank statements etc. That shouldn't be the main purpose of your call. You should be contacting the OPG to report the abuse of a PoA. That, and only that, is what's important right now.

    Your husband's children are abusing their position and it needs to stop immediately, given they've cut your husband, and you, off from his money.

    Secondary to that is their removal as PoAs. They have acted unreasonably and directly against the best interests of the donor and their general attitude to him, you and their position shows that they cannot be trusted with the responsibility.

    Only once those issues are addressed and if anyone else wants to check your husband's historic transactions for some reason, then worry about what you have to provide (and it will probably never come to that).

    There is nothing to negotiate here, nothing you should be providing them with and your only task is to notify the OPG of the abuse and to impress on them the urgency of the situation. It's a shame your solicitor has failed to assist you with that, but you don't need her (and at some later stage once all this is sorted I'd be questioning what she's being paid for).
  10. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    #90 LadyA, Oct 14, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
    Angie, another thing to question is Why are you not getting Carer's Allowance (or whatever the UK equivalent is? You need to have something for yourself. If necessary, and all the income is in your husband's name, then I think you need to take action to have a portion set aside for you, for maintenance, completely separate from anything used for household bills, your husband's pub & pie money, etc. etc. You need money for clothing, shoes, hairdressers, etc. etc. You work for it, or are you supposed to be a slave and not have a single penny to call your own? I think any Court would take a different view, given the circumstances! Your money needs to be going into a separate Bank Account in your sole name, which then becomes, as far as your step children are concerned, none of their d*** business!

    please stress to the opg that you are and have been the sole carer of your husband, the sole payer of bills although your husband still checks his own financial transactions, that your husband still can go to the Bank and ask for money, etc. that he knows you were both left with nothing, that you are his only point of contact for appointments etc. and that the Attorneys have not actually even seen him for x number of years. And frankly, I would say it straight out, that they are trying to "preserve their inheritence" by keeping their father and you, his carer, in poverty.

    And I know you have enough to worry about right now, so I hate to bring this up. But if the step chlildren feel that all your husband's savings and income are their "inheritence", where does that leave you when your husband eventually dies? What will you have to live on?
  11. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    I have had pressure from my in laws/step children-but my solicitor has batted it back with -as a married couple-our finances and spending are confidential and no-one else's business. This has been supported by all the health care professionals as well. I will discuss-when it comes to it -his finances with Social Services( we're self funding at the moment but that won't last for ever)but have no intention of telling OH's family anything. They have not been involved in his care so no reason they should know anything now.

    I was also told that children have no legal right to inherit from parents so it is NOT their inheritance- he can spend his money how he chooses. Or I do now he can't ( I do have PoA-thank God)

    What happened to assets in marriage being joint? I am boiling on your behalf-this is so wrong. How dare they!

    I would follow other's advice and go striaght to OPG yourself-maybe get support from CAB or such like? I can't quite understand why your solictor is hedging-they should be firing on both barrells on your behalf. Remember-you do not have to stick with the same one if you're not happy-they work for you-you are paying them.

    I know it's hard when you feel as battered as you do - but please get some more support; what they are doing seems to be illegal and certainly morally wrong.

    Good luck-keep posting. xxx
  12. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Totally support the above. Your solicitor is a waste of money. Get onto the OPG and change your solicitor. Take the advice of the CAB to find a better one.
  13. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    Great advice from the previous posters. You do not phone the OPG to ask what you should be handing over to his children - you should phoning them to report abuse. If it hadn't been for your family helping you out financially where would you be now?

    PLEASE phone them today and say its urgent
  14. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    These are my thoughts too. Please ring the OPG and report this abuse. I'm sure they will ask you for any pertinent information. What you've told us should be more than enough!

    Be strong, make that call. You'll feel so much better having taken some positive action.
  15. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    You sound such a kind person Angie and very caring for your OH. Neither of you deserve this and I know how hard it is to stand up when fighting alone.
    From what I read in the link I posted the OPG will appoint an investigator who will talk to you about what has been going on. They are used to dealing with things like this so no worries there.
    I Hope you have success today and then you can rest easier. Hugs x
  16. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    Well I spoke to the OPG and they were no help what's so ever. I have no rights as the income is my husbands name as are the accounts and they are the attorneys so it's what they want to do and how much they want to give him. He no longer has any rights or access to his own money. All they say is have they used his misused his funds and no they haven't.
    It just shows that when the solicitor who originally did the POA before we were married might have been advising him towards the son and daughter being POA because we weren't married did not have a clue what would happen down the line. We have been together 28 years I worked in his business for him from the time we first met till his retirement taking it from a small newsagents to a village convenience store and now none of this counts for anything.
    I shall now have to rely on whatever help I can get from the solicitor and just hope I can keep him happy. This has now taken up to much of my life and made me ill so I have to think of myself.
    Please everyone reading this learn from it and make as many clauses in the POA as you think necessary. Just being man and wife is not enough.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  17. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    So you told the OPG that the children have suddenly cut your husband off from his money, that you and he have no cash for food, and the person on the line said that's fine, they can do that? :confused:

    Did you go through to the section for reporting abuse?

    To be honest, I do find the people on the helplines to be very nice but a bit patchy as far as the quality of advice, and there have been at least three instances of late that I was misinformed by them.

    Call again. If they don't take this seriously I'd strongly advise you to go into complain mode, as in ask for their complaints procedure.

    I know you're completely stressed out and this is the worst time to urge you to fight your corner but if you don't no one will do it for you. Given how his children have behaved I don't think this will be the end of it either, so nipping it all in the bud is in your husband's best interests.

    And in your shoes I wouldn't show anyone any paperwork. Not unless an official body, like the OPG, become involved and request it. You've done the right thing for years and it's got you precisely nowhere with his family.

    Oh, and I'd contact your MP to boot, and copy everyone in on it. Make some noise. You have nothing to hide or be afraid of. I don't think your husband's children are in as strong a position.

    Write it all down, or copy and paste from this thread, email your MP and copy in the OPG, your local authority, your solicitor and anyone else you fancy knowing about this.

    I really, truly and honestly doubt you'll get a response of yes, that's fine, the PoAs are doing a grand job.
  18. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    No- you put in to the business! Therefore you are entitled to a share in it. Angie, if for example, you were divorcing, your work in the business would be taken into account as part of the settlement. You definitely need another legal opinion, and one who will fight your corner!
  19. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    If its a joint account, half the fund are yours.
    They are NOT POA for you and have no right to deny you funds.

    Together for 28 years, how long married?
  20. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    #100 Bunpoots, Oct 14, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
    If the OPG think this is ok then LPA is not fit for purpose!! Do not give up. Find a new solicitor. Get the media involved. Name and shame as they say. I bet the newspapers and the BBC etc. Would be very interested in your predicament and possibly might offer help to fight your corner.

    Ring the OPG again, find a new solicitor, you have rights and I'm pretty sure that after 28 yrs together if you were to divorce you would be entitled to half of everything.

    Did your husband leave a will? You may need to contest this if he's left everything to his kids. I'm sure he never intended you to be left with nothing.

    I know you're really stressed and just want the whole thing to go away but his kids have left you with no choice to fight on. Right will prevail in the end.

    My thoughts are with you at this horrible time.

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