I'm ready to give up. POA has let me down with all the stress of caring.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by angiebails, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. malomm

    malomm Registered User

    likeminded

    I'm beginning to think exactly on the same lines as yourself.
    keep smiling,
    malomm
     
  2. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,948
    Ireland
    I am so angry on your behalf, reading this. Very likely your husband will live many years yet, with your wonderful care. What do they expect him (never mind you) to live on?????
     
  3. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    The solicitor assured me that they could not take my bank card as my husband had given written authority for me to use it. Now the bank says this POA overrules that and they won't even give him money even though he was stood in the bank asking for it.
    I will speak to the solicitor on Monday morning and I shall ring social services and ask them to get me some money to live on.


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  4. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,917
    Nottinghamshire
    I have POA for my dad and there is no way I would dream of treating him like that!! His money is his money and he can spend it as he pleases. I'm there to stop him being ripped off by scammers, salespeople and the like.

    How dare they say you stole the money from selling his car. That's your money as a couple- nothing to do with them.

    Definitely get in touch with the OPG. I don't see how they can argue that what his kids are doing is not financial abuse. It's definitely not in his best interests to be left to starve.

    I am so angry on your behalf. I can't believe anyone could be so heartless. I do hope you can sort this out quickly. Hopefully you will get deputyship.
     
  5. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    In your shoes I'd get in touch with the OPG and flag this up as financial abuse and extremely urgent.

    The mental health act is clear that the person needs to be as involved as possible in all the decisions made for them, and that those decisions have to be in their best interests. So in this case your husband has not been involved in the decision making, though he retains some capacity, and those decisions are very obviously not in his best interests.

    I would then take steps to have the children removed from being attorneys. Even a panel deputy through the Court of Protection would be a better bet than them, which is the likely outcome if they oppose you becoming a deputy.

    I'm probably wrong about this next bit, but their behaviour feels almost criminal. I know the PoA gives them lots of legal rights to control his finances but given that you have no income, cutting their father off from cash so completely is actually putting him at risk. How long will he live if he can't afford food?? I'd be very tempted to have a word with a community police office, just to see if it would be possible for them to have an informal word.
     
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,935
    Yorkshire
    Hello angiebails
    a horrible position for the two of you to be placed in
    it saddens me so much that children can behave towards their father and his wife in this way

    personally I would fire off an email to the OPG today so that there is something waiting for them on Monday AND to document the position you are in right now, just in case the children do realise what an impossible situation they have put their own father in and make some provision for money to reach him - if you can't bear to type out all the details again, copy and paste your posts here as with a little editing they will give a good overview of your position - the posts also, by the way, give a documented time scale to what has happened as the posts are dated and timed

    are utility bills etc paid out of your husband's account? I'm hoping so - that at least will mean that the regular household bills will be paid automatically; please do not stint on heating

    please do call the AS helpline today, the operators have a wealth of knowledge to draw on and may well have some useful suggestions
    0300 222 1122 or by email at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.
    The helpline is usually open from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday, and from 10am - 4pm at weekends

    do you have any online store accounts set up so that you can get groceries that way - anything that may automatically bill the account or credit card, hopefully the purchase will not be blocked??? if you have, do a massive bulk buy to tide you over - whatever purchases you make from now on, keep receipts

    every best wish to you and your husband
     
  7. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    427
    If you have had no income of your own since giving up work, surely you qualify for carers allowance at the very least. Please get advice from SS or Age UK or AS or CAB as soon as possible, and others advice about sending an email to the OPG this weekend is good but follow it up immediately on Monday morning with a phone call. This situation cannot be allowed to carry on. Your husbands health and safety are at risk - mention these words to accelerate the process if necessary.
     
  8. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    2,734
    South
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    I agree with everyone - firstly you need some help and support so use the helplines that people have given you, that is what they are there for and talking to someone really does help.

    Keep posting, I am so sorry, you have done so much, now you need to put yourself first until you get this sorted out xxx
     
  10. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,948
    Ireland
    Angie - do you have anyone you could go and stay with for a couple of weeks? Then advise your stepchildren that you're going to be away and that they need to step in and care for their father? It might be a wake up call for them. But it would require you to have a very hard heart and maybe it might backfire.
    So hard for you x
     
  11. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,793
    Female
    Scotland
    One important lesson from Angie's predicament is that you should Always, Always, Always have your own bank account instead of or as well as a joint account.

    I can guarantee that there will be some people reading this right now who have no control over their finances.

    Do something about it before it is too late
     
  12. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,385
    Kent
    I would like to think that the majority of children acting on behalf of their parent with dementia and holding poa are honourable and as totally trustworthy in handling the financial affairs of the parent as the pwd thought. Hopefully the problems raised recently by a few are caused by the minority. I hold poa health and finance for my dear dad now in a nursing home who totally lacks mental capacity now and since mum died suddenly at home I have and do spend nearly every waking hour and sadly sleepless nights and like you making sure I am covering all of dad's needs and having just sold his house for care funds making sure whilst poor rates atm getting him the best return I can, recording and accounting for every penny spent for him fulfilling my duty both as daughter and attorney.His money for his needs. I am shocked by the blatant greedy selfish financial abuse described here and in other posts.
     
  13. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    You are all right and hopefully I can get this sorted. I take my husband out every day and each evening at 5 pm he goes to the pub and has a beer and a pork pie, a routine he loves and looks forward to. Today he didn't want to go as he thinks we can't afford to as he has no money. I made a promise to him that he can do anything he wants to do and can spend his money on whatever he wants. I do have access to whatever money I need as my mother has promised me that I can have whatever I need but this will only be temporary and I want every penny back once I have sorted this. I am worried that the stress will set off his seizures again like it did last time they stressed him. Today his lips turned very blue and he has been very quiet. I don't want to stress him but he does have capacity and can understand quite clearly what is happening and I do need him to know what they are doing. I blame a lot of this on a consultant who had only seen him for 15 minutes and only asked him complicated questions that even I couldn't answer who has signed a statement that he has no capacity what so ever. This is not true but I am at a loss what to do as these people are the ones that are meant to be looking after him. On another post someone said that a person came out from the POA to assess capacity but when I did speak re revoking the POA they only mentioned going to the GP for a statement, who wouldn't do it even though he knew he had capacity to answer the questions , because he took advice and he knew the children would contest it. Has anyone had someone from the public guardian to see there relatives regarding capacity.


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  14. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Has he had SS assessment re capacity ? Dads had one recently to decide his future:confused: , he doesn't have anything like your OHs capacity.

    I hold POA along with mum (I'm just a name just incase anything happened to her) to act on dads behalf. I have two older siblings , mum asked them re POA if they wanted to do it or me to do it. They both were happy for me to carry it. I've done all arranging of assessments, I'm the contact for hospital ,social services etc.
    Nothing's a secret from them .
    My niece is changing solicitors and going into family law which could be handy anyway in future .
    I'm horrified at your OHs children :eek:
     
  15. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    427
    Maybe you should go back to the doctor who said he did have capacity, and tell him that you don't care if the children contest it. He is a medical practitioner and they aren't. It appears they don't even know anything about dementia. Your husband had enough capacity to know that he cant get any money to go to the pub. A person who truly had no capacity would have forgotten all about that, or not understood it in the first place. Thank goodness your wonderful family are able to give you some money to keep his life as stable as possible while all this is sorted out. Keep a record of all they give you so you can repay them from your husbands money when this mess is sorted.
     
  16. Willow Tree

    Willow Tree Registered User

    Jul 6, 2016
    67
    USA
    I am so, so very sorry to see what is happening to you and your husband.

    Absolutely tragic and unforgiveable on the childrens' part.

    I, too, am a stepmother & these relationships are extremely complicated. 30 years in, I'm still "Dad's New Wife" to one of the kids. LOL on one hand, but very sad for them on another.

    Sadly, I have read too many horror stories of stepmothers who've been treated as you are now.

    I'm wondering myself, if you might be able to have the consultant investigated, once you get this sorted out. You may find this "consultant" might have an undisclosed relationship of some sort with your husband's children, since the questions asked were too difficult and he/she quickly determined your husband was not competent.

    Just a thought for you, as you proceed through this.

    Putting myself in your shoes, I would consult the legal system immediately, Monday morning and do what I could. I would also never, ever leave my husband's side. He needs security and love and support and you do not want to give any excuses to those seeking them.

    Wishing you a quick and easy and fair resolution to this terrible situation. Prayers for you both.

    You have me counting my blessings tonight that I have no children of my own. Godspeed, Angie.

    ---Willow Tree
     
  17. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,793
    Female
    Scotland
    I think you need to move on from the doctors opinion and straight to the legal redress. These people have incorrectly used POA and left you both without funds. They are not suitable attorneys and should be stripped of this responsibility.
     
  18. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    Thanks everyone for your support, have spent 3 hours writing the last conversation they had with dad saying they were not going to change anything ready for the solicitor tomorrow morning. She hopefully will be aware of the situation as when my card declined in the chiropodist we were mortified not being able to pay for his treatment and I phoned the solicitors office in a rather traumatised state. Obviously Friday afternoon there was no one there except the receptionist. Poor receptionist I hope she is used to traumatised people waffling on.


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  19. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    I'm sure she is Angie, this is such a horrendous situation. Do hope you get some reassuring advice and action tomorrow. Big hug.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  20. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    Oh what a sad situation my husband has got up early and is now wanting to go sort it all out. The bit he didn't realise it's a Sunday and doesn't know why I can't wave my magic wand like I do with all his other problems. My mums coming around to give his money so he knows he's got plenty.
    I do feel blessed and it's time like this you want to your best by them. I assume everyone feels the same when you see them so vulnerable and worries.


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