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I'm ready to give up. POA has let me down with all the stress of caring.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by angiebails, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    Thanks hilly billy. Been putting my husband first as I burnt myself out with worry, I have taken the last 3 years of our life to the solicitors ready to pass to his children as apparently he spent to much money over the last 3 years. How do you explain this to someone with dementia. Today my husband was horrified when I explained I had no way of paying for anything except for cash that has been passed to me which was £150. Everyone tells us that this can't be right but the public guardian claim that the attorneys can decide what they feel is right for him to live on. I feel that he has been treated like a parasite by both the consultant who wrote the report, his children and the public guardian. I think he would have been better off not sorting the POA.
    He pleaded with me to take him away on holiday and to be honest I think that's what I should do as how much longer is he going to be able to carry on. He feels like his has been robbed of his money as he can't acccess it. He has little respect but each day I take him to the pub and the clientele are so respectful to him they try to include him and talk to him even though they know he might not answer I feel so humble today as when I went to the bar to get him a drink a gentleman attempted to make small talk with him knowing that he might not reply but he was including him into a circle of friends. I have lost all hope and respect to the system that would let someone be withheld from there lifelong earnings there wife and full time carer be treated like this.
    I thank everyone for there help but the system that is meant to help has let us down, I thought we were protected with the statement in his best interest but unless they take his money the guardian don't want to know.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  2. Sunseeker1977

    Sunseeker1977 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    North Yorkshire
    As you know this dreadful disease is progressive ..... my stance on this has been that we do what we can when we can !! we had 5 holidays in 2014, because we could enjoy them .. we may not get the chance again!! I don't consider it excessive spending .. I consider it enjoying our lives together whilst we can!! Your husbands children are denying him the enjoyment he deserves whilst he still can.... the time will come all too soon when you won't be able to enjoy a nice meal in a restaurant, a glass of wine at sunset, and other things happy retired couples have earned and deserve!!

    I have told our children that their inheritance is our house, but I intend to spend what I want in pursuit of any pleasure that myself and my wife can enjoy!!

    I am so angry with your stepchildren ... they are not just denying you the luxuries you have earned ... they are denying you the standard of living you have a right to expect ... and these manipulating, horrible, heartless, selfish people are now threatening strip you of your dignity !! ..

    There must be, has to be, a way to stop them!!
  3. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    Today my husband was horrified when I explained I had no way of paying for anything except for cash that has been passed to me which was £150. Everyone tells us that this can't be right but the public guardian claim that the attorneys can decide what they feel is right for him to live on.

    angie - have you actually spoken again to the OPG ? Have you asked for an investigator? Also have you asked the AS for their advocacy service? How can the )PG say its up to the children to decide how much money you get to live on? Surely the decisiion has to be based on his needs. If you breakdown and become ill and your husband has to go into respite, they will be called on to pay the full cost of that. They cant decide not to do that.

    If your family are still providing you and your husband with money to enable you to have the same standard of life as you did before the evil children took over, then keep all records of that. Also I stress, that what ever you and your husband spent in the 3 years before the POA came into force, is nothing to do with the POA, as your husband, although diagnosed with dementia, was not confirmed as having lost capacity, and it was up to him how much was spent.

    I am so angry that this is happening to you!
  4. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Did you get a second opinion phoning the OPG again? Did you put your concerns and evidence in writing to the OPG? Did your solicitor tell you that legally you have no choice but to hand over bank statements, what about your financial privacy and data protection if joint account? Talking to a friend of a resident at dads nursing home, he raised concerns with OPG about the residents son not handling his dads finances properly with evidence and attorneyship was taken away and handed to the friend. Resident moderate dementia.
  5. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    You must be worn out Angie, I do hope the advice given by other posters helps give you the energy to keep fighting. I wonder if it would be helpful for you to write to your MP? There must be someone who can help and you have all the relevant details written down very articulately here, which you could just copy and paste into an email.
  6. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    Ontario canada
    I am responding to this thread again to bring it forward. I really wish we could see a resolution to this terrible dilemma. I keep waiting to see that it's sorted out...but it doesn't appear that it will be. Surely someone, somewhere can help out with this whole situation? It's just so sad and mind boggling.
  7. Logan

    Logan Registered User

    Nov 1, 2010
    Although my suggestion is clearly the last thing that you would want to do, and is made just from a legal point of view - and certainly not from the heart but! I just wonder what those holding the PoA would do if you started divorce proceedings against your husband. Then the matrimonial funds would have to be assessed for both partners. This would be a tragic way forward, but if there is no other way then perhaps this would bring those holding the PoA down to earth with a big bang. I am so, so sorry that you and your husband are having to deal with this tragic upset at this special time of your marriage. L
  8. Logan

    Logan Registered User

    Nov 1, 2010
    I made my previous comments with the best will in the World and hope that it has not upset anyone. I was just thinking how to best protect oneself in a very very sad situation which you find yourself in. L
  9. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    Logan you are right and also I should take my husband on Friday evening when they have finished work and leave him with them and say look after him as I need a break, and whilst you can check out the prices for some care homes, all of which they deserve but my husband doesn't deserve it.
    He decided yesterday to raise some funds by selling his cycles but really didn't understand why I had been told not to sell any of his assets. He can't believe that he can't access his own money. I still think that he has a lot more capacity than even I thought. I think he sits quiet and silent reserving his energy just to keep going.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  10. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    I think you should copy and print out this whole thread and send it to the OPG and to the AS and your solicitor. You haven't replied to our queries about writing to the OPG and asking for an investigator. They are abusing their power by not making enough money available for his needs. We're only trying to help you get out of this intolerable situation that is making your poor husband more distressed than he ought to be. The longer it goes on the worse it will be.

    You also definitely need a break from all this worry
  11. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Angie. We are all worried about you. I have heard of POAs being overturned. If you don't have the energy to carry on fighting please get an advocate to fight for you.
  12. Jennyc

    Jennyc Registered User

    Oct 3, 2011
    Dear Angie, I have been reading through this thread for the last few days and it sounds really bad - as if you don't have enough to worry about without family trying to sabotage you.

    It is really hard, I know, when stressed to actually get on and do something positive, but this seems such an awful situation, and it might help you yourself to feel stronger if you actually started to get the ball rolling. The suggestion of printing off the thread somehow (afraid I'm not sure how you'd that, but someone here would know) and sending it off to the OPG would be a beginning and once you've made one move, it gets easier to make the next. I know, I've put off quite a lot of things, but when they got really bad I reached out and shouted and cried a lot, and help started to come in. Do try it. Good luck xxx
  13. Suzysue

    Suzysue Registered User

    Jan 24, 2014
    Power of Attorney

    My beautiful Mum passed away last year. We have now discovered that my elder sister robbed her of all her money-nearly quarter of a million.She had POA and stole everything, two months before she died. She didn't only take all her money, she took away all her choices, compromised her care & blighted her last few months & mine.She pestered to move her from a comfortable, expensive care home into her conservatory, complete with commode, instead of an en-suite! I feel that the POA was an enabler-without it she would never have been able to abuse my Mummy.The OPG will not take any action, because the deception wasn't discovered , until after Mum's death. .Be very careful, when taking this course of action.
  14. Steve115

    Steve115 Registered User

    May 17, 2016
    Huntingdon area

    Having followed this stream with growing anger, I wondered what I would do now in your place. I would probably go to the press; write to one of the money columns such as Money Mail. They should give you good advice and they may even help in any investigation, putting you in touch with the right people/person. They are contactable by email in most cases so a simple cut and paste should kick off the job.

    Good luck.

  15. MollyD

    MollyD Registered User

    Mar 27, 2016
    Hi Angie,

    This is horrendous and upsetting reading. I'm so so sorry you and your husband are being subjected to this.

    And in addition how draining and difficult it must be for you to have to go down this nightmarish rabbithole making call after call on top of the mammoth task of caring for your husband.

    Would one of your supportive family members be able to get advice from Citizen's Advice, say, to help map out what needs to be faced and help delegate out the steps in whatever process is involved getting legal -- let alone moral/ethical -- justice and protection for your husband and yourself?

    It's beyond belief this is happening.
  16. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Hello Angie. How are you? Have you managed to get any help?
  17. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    I have been trying to get myself back on track but not finding it very easy. I have given the stepchildren 3 years of every transaction that we have ever done so they can mull over it but as I expressed to the solicitor I don't have to do this I just want to show I haven't taken any of there precious inheritance. I have had a very stressful time with my husband as the stepchildren are only handing over £150 a week cash and as my husband is still active he goes out daily to the pub and loves to eat out so it doesn't go far. The solicitor says to use my personal credit card and claim it back off them when the bill comes but I find all this a bit rediculous but I have no access to any of his accounts. They have even changed the password on his internet savings account now so I can't show my OH where his money is. I'm sure they can't do that but they did say they would take total control. The bills are all still being paid by standing order and they say they won't change them. We both worked so hard to get where we are and they just think that he shouldn't enjoy his own money as it will be less for them. For her to add up how much he has spent over the last 3 years and say it is too much when he is meant to enjoy his retirement knowing it will be short lived.
    The out come has been a very bad situation in the night with extreme violence when he woke to say I had lost all his money and his property's. I did ring the clinic to up his medication which they agreed but had little more from them. I feel for my husband as he doesn't really comprehend what they are doing to us and although I explain he thinks I have sorted it, if the violence happens again and I have to phone someone I'm sure they will take him away and he will suffer even more.
    The OPG have not helped at all and I don't think that they have a clue as I'm sure they only deal with situations where the subject of the POA is in a care home and not living life as best they can when they know that time is precious and what we can do today we may not be able to do soon. They just say he need his money for his future care.
    If they have not sorted access to his money soon I will be taking him down and dropping him off there when he kicks off and if he starts in the night I will phone them to sort him out. Life is definately looking bleak but I shall start to sort myself out and see what my next step will be when I have a reply from them re some finances as this is taking its toll and to be honest I have been overwhelmed with it all and not been able to sort it properly, I have been relying on the solicitor but that seems a waste of time.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  18. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Having your husband taken into care will punish them in a way they cannot imagine. Wait till they get the bills!
  19. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    I was just thinking the same thing.
  20. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    Is there any chance that you can get a doctor or any other medical person to talk to him again and see if they can assess that he does have some mental capacity of what he wants. He is aware of enough to know he no longer has access to his money, and cannot even see his statements. One of a dementia sufferers most common delusions is that money is being stolen from him, and not being able to see his bank accounts and have money when he wants will re-inforce this delusion and make him much more aggressive.

    Do you have to go begging to his step children for money for things that aren't covered by direct debits or standing orders, such as car tax and insurance and fuel, and clothes? This does not seem right or fair. You should have some idea of what you need to live on to the standard you are used to, and I'm sure its more than £150 a week, if he wants to continue his daily visits to the pub. A better solution would be for them to open a bank account for you and him and pay his pensions into it and let you have free access to that. After all, if he went into a care home, not only would they have to pay the fees, you would be entitled to half his private pension.

    I feel so bad for you, and if I were you I would keep pestering the OPG for an investigation. You say they are not mis-using his money, but how would you know? You say he has properties. If he has other properties apart from your own house, there should be plenty of capital to pay for care home fees, if he were to go into care. Could the children be transferring ownership of the properties to themselves?

    I know you don't want to put your husband into care, but if his violence continues, you may not have much choice. You could maybe put him into respite for a week or 2 - let them have the bill for that - it might make them realise what it would cost if he was in care all the while. It sounds like you need a break

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