I'm ready to give up. POA has let me down with all the stress of caring.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by angiebails, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    I posted before about my husbands POA being instigated by his son and daughter against his wishes. I took a step back after people on forum saying I had nothing to worry about. I let them do as they wished and when they turned up saying they just wanted to check over the bank statements my husband told them outright that he didn't need them to do that. He does not communicate easily but when needed he can tell you exactly what he wants. He told them that he didn't need them to check his accounts but at the same time I said I have nothing to hide and they can check whatever they want to.
    Today on taking my husband to the chiropodist for the first time to get his toe nails clipped due to major problems with ingrowing toenails, I was finding it difficult to do it due to the pain and I was worried I was causing more problems with the way I was doing it. On trying to pay with a bank card in my name on his account with full signed authority with the bank and my husband it was declined. On asking at the bank his son and daughter have taken control of his bank and the bank have taken the card off me. No one has told him what is happening and now we have no cash and no bank card to do any shopping. I had to tell him that this has happened and my mother has given me cash to keep us going but how can a POA let them to deprive us of any funds without letting us know.
    I now have more trauma as my husband is so stressed about this he is following me around the house and is extremely stressed about this. We have coped through thick and thin and I have been through so much trying to keep him stable and now both him and I feel like giving up.
    I phoned the solicitor but at 4.30 on a Friday there was no one there and now I don't have any means to pay them. I don't work as I am caring 24/7 for my husband and so have little savings to live on.



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  2. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,399
    Kent
    #2 love.dad.but.., Oct 7, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2016
    What a difficult and stressful situation for you. How did they manage to instigate poa without your husband's approval as he as the donor is the one who instigates the process, decides on what he wants and who as attorneys etc, a third party can't do this against a donor's will? I have poa for my dad as he lacks mental capacity but not exactly sure even if registered in your circumstances if your husband has enough mental capacity to say he does not want their intervention yet how the process works, someone will be along who will help. However it doesn't seem to me that his children with poa are acting in his best interests to deprive access to essential funds to buy basics like food so I seriously question their sudden and extreme course of action excluding discussion with you both.
     
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,780
    Salford
    I've no solution other than telling them your no longer prepared to care for him and threaten to leave unless they see sense and don't mind paying £1.200 a week to a care home because I think this is all about money.
    This is the second thread (link to the other one below) that has seriously made me question the wisdom of giving POA to my children, I still have friends I had before I even had the children and when I read things like what's happening to angie it really makes me wonder.
    K

    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?95995-Confused-about-a-will
     
  4. nmintueo

    nmintueo Registered User

    Jun 28, 2011
    847
    UK
    So: the attorneys have cut of all funding, so you can't pay his chiropodist or buy him any of the things he needs?

    Clearly that is against his best interests: the attorneys have fundamentally violated their duty to the donor.

    One never reads on here of a successful attempt to overturn an attorneyship, but it can't be impossible, can it?
     
  5. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    I care for him and have been through so much over the last few years regarding his dementia and have stuck by him against all advice from my family due to the aggression and violence I've have been subjected too. When I mentioned too them that it would be costing£1200 a week for a live in carer too look after him like I do I was accused of threatening them that I would not look after him . He does not deserve this as he and I have worked 60 hour weeks to accumulate enough savings for him to enjoy his retirement only to be hit with this disease. We don't want much only to live as best we can under extreme circumstances but all they can see is there inheritance which doesn't include me as I'm not there parent just a step mother who cares for there father 24/7. I know everyone is busy these days but to not even tell there father that they were going to stop him from any access to paying for shopping or money for his daily visit to the pub is beyond belief. Luckily I do have a family who will not let me suffer re finances but this does not help with the upset of this to my husband. They have even stopped his cash card and the bank would not take any notice of him standing in the bank saying he needed money. I don't work as I don't leave him for a minute alone as he suffered seizures and I worry about him constantly. I wouldn't treat a dog the way he has been treated and if that means living with nothing that is what they have forced us to do.


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  6. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    .I felt sick when I read your email - the greed is just unbearable.
    I suggest you phone
    Age UK Advice line

    We run a free national advice line that is open 8am to 7pm 365 days a year and takes in excess of 250,000 calls annually. To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

    tomorrow and get some advice - their legal advice is supposed to be good
     
  7. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,780
    Salford
    Then threaten away then, ask social services to do an urgent assessment on him as a vulnerable adult and tell them you'll be leaving in 2 weeks, packing your bags and off, get some suitcase out, play hardball.
    They're just using you plain and simple, you're threatening them when they've cut off his access to his own money:eek: Cheeky "monkeys" is all I can say.
    It's like an ugly game of poker with his money as the pot in the middle, they're just playing you like a fish relying on your real care for him and their inheritance preservation. Money does some strange things to people.
    K
     
  8. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    427
    Is it LPA that they have or EPA? If it is LPA I think that it has to be proved that your husband lacks mental capacity, but if he does have capacity, he could have revoked the LPA before it came into effect I think

    They cannot deprive your husband of the cash he needs for living. That is going against the legal requirements of having a POA, which is in pace to look after the interests of the donor. If your family are lending you the money for his basic needs, keep a strict record of it so you can get the money back when this is sorted out.

    I think you should go to the Citizens Advice Bureau for initial free advice and also ring the OPG asap as you cannot go on for long like this. Does he get attendance allowance that goes into the bank? And his pensions? They cannot legally deprive him of his income than you both need for living. I assume the utility bills come out of the account as well.
     
  9. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    #9 angiebails, Oct 7, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2016



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    The consultant passed it over to someone who after seeing him for 15 minutes and asking him 4 questions said he had no capacity to change the POA but then said to them he has no capacity. He knows exactly what they are saying, had previously told the doctor twice what he wanted re revoking the POA but the doctor wouldn't do it without a backup of consultant so I paid £200 to another doctor for him to see him for 15 minutes and then write a full report to say he had no mental capacity. The local authority won't do anything to help as they don't take any responsibility for this and pass it a doctor who treats them with no compassion or context of the mental capacity act 2005.
    I have no idea what will happen but as all bills as accounts are is his name I will leave it to them to sort out. I can't be held responsible for debts in his name and as everything is to do with his care they will have to sort it.
     
  10. scattysue

    scattysue Registered User

    Aug 20, 2015
    65
    Hello Angie - what a terrible situation you and your husband are in.

    I am no expert on these matters but I would be contacting the OPG as a matter of urgency and explaining exactly what has been happening. The relatives who have POA are not acting correctly and this breach of trust should be reported to the OPG so that they can investigate the matter and take appropriate action.

    Good luck
     
  11. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,780
    Salford
    How long might that take and more to the point cost, they seem to charge for everything they do?
    K
     
  12. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    #12 jan.s, Oct 7, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2016
    I was going to respond with the same advice as Scatty Sue.

    The purpose of the LPA is to look after the best interests of the donor, and they are clearly not doing this. I would most definitely contact the OPG on Monday morning and express concerns about their behaviour.

    I hope it all works out. Below is the link to OPG.

    https://www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy
     
  13. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    #13 angiebails, Oct 7, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2016
    I gave up as after £1000 in charges for nothing I thought what could they do. I took advice from anyone I could and spent ages trying to find out my rights as his wife and only carer but no one could tell me what I was entitled to. The public guardian made out it was was so simple to revoke the POA made by his solicitors advice but the GOP wouldn't touch it and neither would the consultant. I paid £200 to a doctor, who rang me to bring the appointment forward by 3 hours and when I said he was sleeping he told me I shouldn't let him sleep as his endorphines don't work whilst asleep. I had to get him up and showered in 20 mins as that's what he insisted on. I so wish I had told him to do one as due to his report I am in this mess. Our Gp had dealt with him with such caring and compassion and Peter told him exactly what he wanted to happen. I thought that dementia meant something that people did actually care. I have had a life line from his gp who have actually saved my life re the domestic violence due to paranoia and hillucinations but the consultant had let me down and now I have this to cope with and I don't have the energy left to do that. I am resilient and will cope but ask yourself if you have a rampant 17 stone dementia patient who is confused and upset in the middle of the night what do you do. I just accept it and cope.


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  14. Sammie234

    Sammie234 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2016
    211
    Shropshire
    Poa

    How terrible for you having to cope with this as well. It would have been easier if your husband had named you as attorney and his children as secondary. My husband named myself as attorney our son only if something happens to me. It's obvious that they are going against the spirit of the POA and stopping yourself and husband from accessing your own money. The courts should be involved get your solicitor on it! I wish you much luck.
     
  15. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    Another sleepless night and a whole day to get through. Today is my granddaughters first birthday and now I don't have the energy to go to the party. I don't get to see them as my husband finds it difficult and I am always putting him first but now it's just too much of a nightmare and I don't want to cope with it all any more.


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  16. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,947
    Ireland
    #16 HillyBilly, Oct 8, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2016
    Oh Angie, how heartbreaking this all must be for you.
    Isn't it just the way that these things come to a head just before a weekend, when there is nobody available to speak to. Do keep posting on here though, TP is never closed.
    Is there any possibility of you getting some respite? Not only to give you a break from caring 24/7 but also to give you some time to sort this awful financial mess out? (Not that that's what respite is intended for...).
    Hugs x

    p.s. are you on speaking terms with your step-children? Can you face phoning them today?
     
  17. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Is your Bank account a joint one? If so you need to contact the Bank immediately and ( well OK - on Monday since it's a Saturday and they may not be open) You need access to YOUR money.
     
  18. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    All the step children have done is verbally abuse me. They accused me of selling the car and taking the money then came and told there dad that they would take control of his bank account. He sat and told them he didn't want them to do that as he is still able to make all his own decisions he just has problems communicating it but some days he can speak quite clearly and this day he told them exactly what he wanted. They just said if I didn't cooperate with them they would take control and that was the last time they spoke to there father. Surely if my husband asks me to do something for him that's what I should do. Dementia has made him very vulnerable as he can't remember his words but that doesn't mean he doesn't know what he's doing or what he wants. They have treated him appallingly and all I've done is to try to help him keep as much independence and dignity as is possible. I have come across so much descrimination and just because he has dementia. Does anyone else have this problem.


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  19. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    The account is in his sole name and he is the only one receiving an income as I can't work as I look after him 24/7. I have forfeited my future pension and have no savings left as I haven't worked since he retired and still had expenses so much of my savings have gone. I worked all my life till this and we worked so hard like everyone but all the step children say is it's there money and I am not alllowed to spend it as it's there inheritance.



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  20. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    First and foremost it is your Husband's money....it does not become their "inheritance" until he dies, and even then....only if he has left it to them in his will. Tell them that you will be seeking legal advice and do just that, Ask at the Citizen's advice or Age UK for names of Solicitors who offer free first sessions locally. If you are old enough to have a state pension, ring the DWP and ask if you are entitled to money in your own right or if not, do you qualify for Pension Credit? Again Age UK will advise you. You cannot be left penniless. They cannot deprive him of his money.
     

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