I'm ready to give up. POA has let me down with all the stress of caring.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by angiebails, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. Sunseeker1977

    Sunseeker1977 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    North Yorkshire
    It would clearly appear from this thread that you are in urgent need of some clear reflection and thinking time ...... You are entitled to respite, and depending on your husbands savings the children would have to pay!!

    I think it is more than reasonable given recent events that you need a break.. ( before you have a breakdown ) the children can either source a suitable care home for a week .. or even look after him themselves .. either way it might help them realise your value, and best case scenario, they start to appreciate the care you give to their father! or at least you hit them where it hurts most .... financially!!!

    Please don't weaken .. that means they win!! Just remember its about care and dignity for your husband, to live his life in the comfort and way he would have wanted to live it .. if he had not been affected by this dreadful disease!!

    Shame on these greedy heartless children!!
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Angie - when you spoke to the OPG did you actually tell them that his children have cut off access to his account and that you have been left with no money, or did you only ask them what rights his children have?

    If you only asked the OPG what rights they have then I expect that whoever you spoke to was not not for one minute anticipating what was actually happening. You have to be very blunt and spell out your situation to them.
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi angiebails
    I'm speechless
    you must feel awful and totally trampled upon
    I appreciate your husband's children have POA, I didn't think that meant they could do as they wish and cut HIM off from his money without notifying HIM, effectively leaving HIM with no money for days and then only £150 a week for all expenses. What is the definition of "You must manage the donor’s finances in their (the donor's) best interests." (from the Gov website)
    I'm worried for the 2 of you - and actually worried for all those with POAs as clearly this isn't how all of us here understood the responsibilities of the Attorneys
    personally I see cutting off a donor from their finances as a misuse of the money and the POA - misuse isn't only spending too much

    I too hesitate to suggest that you clarify this with the OPG; you are under enough pressure -
    maybe write a follow-up email saying you wish to confirm in writing the verbal information you've been given, as you find it hard to see how the Attorneys' actions are in your husband's best interests (especially as this has unsettled his frame of mind) - this will at least allow another person at the OPG to consider your circumstances

    you say that your sister has been helping you to go over your accounts - has this given you a good break down of the household's outgoings so that you can show what a realistic monthly or weekly figure would be (including everything that is not paid by standing order/direct debit)

    I really hope you don't feel that we are all bombarding you with our ideas - we just wish we could help more

    please do contact the AS helpline - they may be able to give you some buzz words to fire at the OPG
    and have a chat with your own GP so they know what stress you are under right now

    every best wish
  4. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    As others have said, we are worried about both of you and hope we're not overwhelming you with our suggestions. If you feel it's too much maybe your lovely sister could help you with dealing, as moral support or even as your spokesperson, with you beside her.

    Really wish I could help.
  5. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Simplest thing to do would be get divorced, you'd then get half of everything or more. You could continue to live as you do at present, just not married.
    I know that sounds really harsh but it may be the fastest way to put an end to this intolerable situation.
    When it comes to a financial assessment it's always said that money in someone's name is their money and as it's all in his name why should it be different under a POA.
    When you married that would automatically revoke any will he had previously made but not it seems a POA.
    As I said earlier on the thread this has made me reconsider giving my children a POA as should they feel "inheritance preservation" is a better thing for them then it could conflict with my best interests, makes you think doesn't it.
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Angie, what Kevin has said to you I told you long ago. If your husband dies his will gives those children a large slice of the total. If you divorce now you get your share and they get a share of what's left. They are despicable. If your lawyer was any use she would have told you all this.
  7. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    oh Kevinl
    your post worries me
    the vast majority of children want only the best for their parents and would not do anything to go against their mum's or dad's best interests
    I have a disagreement with my sibling but would not contest that both of us want what is best for dad, and would never put his health and welfare in jeopardy
    I do think parents (and anyone else, as I have no children) need to think carefully about who is to be an Attorney - parents generally know their offspring well and do need to be realistic about their children's abilities and faults, but I'd say from reading on TP that most children take their responsibilities seriously and some are so concerned about financial oversight that they put their own finances and welfare at risk
    nor, I think, would it necessarily help to tie the Attorneys' hands with provisos; beware the risk of unintended outcomes
    don't doubt your own children in the light of the behaviour of a minority
    and with all due respect to all members, we only generally get to know of one side of any situation
    chat with your children before organising POAs to have upfront what your expectations are - then trust them to make the best decision at the time in the circumstances - most of us are decent people with solid values

    apologies for the sidetrack
  8. carrieboo

    carrieboo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2016
    herts uk
    I know it seems extreme but you would both be in a better position if you divorced. A 50/50 split is always the assumption, even if a financial settlement ends up in court it's almost impossible to get a judge to vary it.

    And the children would have no rights to interfere.
  9. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014

    I agree and have commented similar on another post most children are probably very trustworthy with poa and honour their parents wishes always striving to work in their best interests as I do for my dad. I suppose we see a snap shot on TP of the cases where there are problems as these are the ones reported. Similar to most call centres phone again, speak to a different person and you may get a different answer. Quote your crucial bullet points and the key phrases others have mentioned, insist on an investigation, get the name of the appropriate OPG manager and fire off a written statement of the facts by 1st class recorded delivery. From the details you have given to us all something isn't adding up. Ask your lovely sister to help you if you are running out of steam, don't supply anything to the children unless the OPG write to you to tell you to.
  10. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    Angie, what you need is an advocate to fight your battle for you. A solicitor should do that, but they are expensive, and yours seems uselss anyway. Can you go to your local Carers Centre or Alzheimer's Society and ask them to fight this battle for you? Also, I've been told last time when I had a problem, to put it all in writing and send it to them. You've written it all down already, you just need the email address of someone high up in the OPG food chain. Written testimony is always taken more seriously than a phone call, because a call requires the person on the other end to listen and make notes, and they invariably get it wrong or have limited experience. An email is clear and can be forward to the person in charge.
  11. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    Ontario canada
    Honestly...my stomach is in knots just reading this! Your lovely sister could be helping you with the phone calls you should be making and not taking up precious time gathering up your statements ...that sounds so bizarre to me! You need to tell those kids to umpa umpa and get yourself a new lawyer! Pronto. Or as Kevin said...call the bluff...fix their wagons!!!! Walk away...take a vacation (go to your sisters) ...call those kids and tell them dad needs some care from them. I don't know...like I said ...wish I was physically there to assist.
    Carole xo
  12. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    They are mis-using his funds in the way that they aren't allowing him enough money to live his life as he did before they took over. If you had told the OPG that I'm sure they would have looked into it. Also didn't you tell them that your family have been giving you money to keep going and that they want repaying? Its a shame your husband did not add you to the POA when you married. They could still have been named but you being the main one. Please ring again and, more importantly write to them so they have something in writing. Unless you are given a proper allowance or given control of his finances you will have to beg his children for his daily needs, new clothes, toiletries, going to the pub etc. and that is not dignified or acceptable.

    Also, as I and others have said, get yourself on the radar of SS so at least you get a carers allowance
  13. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi angiebails
    is your Carer's Allowance being paid into your husband's account? Open a current account of your own in your name only and get on to the DWP to have the CA paid into your new account
  14. Sunseeker1977

    Sunseeker1977 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    North Yorkshire

    What about his P.I.P ... is that also being paid into the account the children are controlling?? .... If P.I.P is being used incorrectly .... I am sure SS would want to know!

    Also a combination of highest rate P.I.P and carers allowance is probably about £800 ...
  15. nmintueo

    nmintueo Registered User

    Jun 28, 2011
    #115 nmintueo, Oct 14, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
    I don't see how the OPG is going to be able to make an informed judgement on the basis of one phone call. Did they really say that cutting off all funds for the donor's living expenses is correct conduct by the attorneys? I don't believe it.

    It's not simply a question of you having rights to his money; crucially, it's a matter of the attorney's duty to look after the donor's best interests. If they have cut of all funding they have violated that duty.

    By all means look for another source of help. But it seems a bit early to say the solicitor is useless, doesn't it? All we know so far is that he wants a response from the attorney's solicitor (why do they have one, by the way?).
  16. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015

    Tough decisions Angie but Kevinis post makes total sense to me.

  17. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    #117 Kevinl, Oct 14, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
    Point 1, I trust my children implicitly but stopped short of saying "step children" as I don't want to stigmatises them, but it seem that the step children may add an extra dimension of complexity to the situation, not always but can.
    Point 2, The very fact you're having a disagreement with your sibling (whatever the nature) is proof itself that children with a POA do fall out.
    I want my POA to be looking after me in the best way possible, not causing family friction of ant sort. The fact you don't agree isn't helping me when I'm the one needing care.
    I've had some friends longer than I've had children so I've known them as adults a lot longer and to be honest they get along very well over the past 40 or more years unlike my children who still have the sibling rivalry thing going on as they approach 30.
  18. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    We are certainly considering our finances , will situation as we have no children.
    The will was made 10yrs ago in different circumstances of parents benefiting in different way.
  19. Quizbunny

    Quizbunny Registered User

    Nov 20, 2011

    I have read posts on this forum before that have made me realise how lucky I am with my journey with my mum, but never have I been so horrified before. To think that your dear husbands children can treat you both in such a cruel and selfish way is truly shocking. I don't have any new advice to offer but I do implore you to follow the good advice you have received from others and make the OPG realise the depth of the abuse you and your husband are suffering at the hands of his children.

    You must also seek to protect your own position in whatever way is necessary.

    God bless you

  20. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    Angie - how are you? Hope you're both OK xxx

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