1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

I'm ready to give up. POA has let me down with all the stress of caring.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by angiebails, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    This all started because when his children had gone to there dads solicitor behind his back with no communication with there father, to say they were going to register the power of attorney made in 2009 that my OH said he didn't want them to do it. The doctor wouldn't do it without the consultant confirming capacity. The consultant wouldn't do it as he said it was long winded and he couldnt afford the time so we had to pay for another consultant to do the capacity. He turned up interviewed him for 20 minutes like an exam and then said he had zero capacity. This was a disgrace as he showed capacity when he protested during the interview saying that he had sorted this problem with the solicitor which was 4 weeks previously but he knew what he was talking about. The consultant had already decided before he turned up he wasn't going to do an assessment as per the mental capacity act 2005. Is it any wonder I have no faith in anyone. If I complain then his consultant could hold it against him and I wonder what care he will eventually get. We are discriminated against by the people who should care but don't have the time or inclination to do so.
    Today I spent nearly £100 just for the mot and new windscreen wipers. Money doesn't go far and I don't waste it but just the basics do cost a lot. I had to sort the windscreen wipers which took me 2 hours to obtain and fit and then go the hgv mot centre which is 15 miles away, all of which was a struggle for some reason as I'm constantly stressed.
    All this and the last time they spoke to there dad was the 9th September. Yep I'm fed up.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,520
    Ireland
    Charge mileage, and send the bill for the mot and wipers to the POA. That's an "extra" expense, and shouldn't come out of the pittance they are allowing you.
    Frankly, Angie, if it were me, much as I detest the press and the media, that's what I would do. Go to the media and make it public what they are doing and how they are treating you and their father, trying to save as much of their father's money as possible for themselves.
     
  3. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,604
    West Midlands
    I agree

    "They" are treating you as "paid help"

    Invoice them
    For every penny you are spending for their parents benefit

    I'm seething on your behalf

    You have been married to their father, possibly longer than to their mother was...

    I assume this, because in my family we have an "issue" like this and the father and second wife have "celebrated" their 30th wedding anniversary. A good 15+ years longer than their parents marriage, yet still, she's still his new wife...

    Hugs





    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    427
    Totally agree with 2jays and Lady A. Keep sending them bills of what you have had to spend to continued with your standard of living. Keep account of any money your family have lent you and which hasn't been paid back - eg the chiropodists bill. Send copies to the OPG saying you haven't been re-imbursed for your expenses on your husbands behalf, and you know he has enough money to live as he used to. I think if you bombard the OPG with enough evidence and say you are going to the press or your MP they might start taking you seriously.

    I think its a real shame that when you had the original meeting with your husbands solicitor, he didn't revoke the LPA and do a new one for you.

    Like 2 jays, I am seething on your behalf. They aren't even treating you like paid help, because if they were you would be getting £20 an hour, which is what I had to pay 2 years ago when I got a carer in to look after my husband when I was away overnight.

    Stay strong - sending hugs xx
     
  5. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Just read this through,it is unbelievable that you are in such a financial state,I can only imagine the stress. But in one post you said for him to go in to a home would only punish your husband more. Homes are not a punishment, they are from my experience a safe and caring place to live.If he is becoming violent about what he perceives you have done, you and he are in danger. This is a very cruel disease,but the events you describe are like my husband who on the surface to many appeared ok, and I made excuses,but realised our life together was not sustainable. So he went into nursing care in March. Financially this is draining his money at a rapid rate of knots and as yet he has no funding, we have had the assessment. He is happy as far as I can tell, often more interested in his friends than me when I visit. I have very bad dark days, we have lost so much, as you will do. But my advise is consider it. Maybe start with respite, go away for a while , tell them he needs this as you won't be there. The cost of that will shock them. Long term care will mean you gain control of your life and finances, whilst still living in your home, or you could move and stop any financial ties to them or your husband. Huge step, daunting and many tears ahead, it won't stop your stresses, they just will be different. But you have control of the rest of your life, it is quiet lonely but our lives are short and we never know what is around the corner. Just look to your future, we know where dementia/ Alzheimer's takes our husbands.
     
  6. carrieboo

    carrieboo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2016
    110
    herts uk
    It occurs to me that this thread was started on October 7th, that's almost 3 weeks now and despite everybody's very good advice and support you are really not much further on and feeling increasingly stressed. I think maybe you are so upset it's difficult to find the energy to do anything?

    Writing letters, emails and making phone calls takes a lot of time and will and I think you're too sad to 'go into battle' at the moment? I can also see that keeping receipts/invoicing your husband's children, whilst being exactly what you should do, is difficult. Life as a carer is complicated enough.

    I see that you live in Crewe, I just wonder if anybody on here is from your neck of the woods and could pm you with a contact/advocate from one of the local groups to help you start to sort out these issues. I also wonder whether a visit to the GP, for you, might be in order. Nobody should have to live with this level of stress and unhappiness, and it would do no harm to have the background logged with your doctor.

    There are lots of people out there who could help, you just need to find a way in.
     
  7. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,404
    Kent
    I am afraid I agree with Carrieboo that it seems you are as far away from resolving this as when you first posted. It must be really hard, mentally and physically draining, makes you feel despondent and sad with the seemingly hopelessness of it all but from what you have said about the answers you have so far been given which are unacceptable I feel the only route is to dig deeper into your resolve and take the bull by the horns and attack the problem by phoning, writing. Get a trusted and reliable friend or family member to help you and support you in doing the contacting, sadly I live nowhere near you otherwise I would pm you and help. Otherwise this will drag on for a long while with you getting more stressed and resentful to the situation. I always take something as far as I possibly can and only when I have exhausted all avenues having phoned, written and some times repeated the phoning and writing many times and no I can do no more so I accept the outcome for my own sanity but knowing I could not have tried any harder. I apply that to dads dementia needs and circumstances as well.
     
  8. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,947
    Ireland
    Angie - I'm so sorry for what you're going though.
    However, I'm going to ask you a blunt, maybe insensitive question.
    (Sorry to anyone who may be offended by this).

    Why are you still with your husband?
    You've put up with a helluva lot of **** these last few years, violence etc.
    Do you still truly love him?
    You're still young, he's only going to deteriorate.
    As others have suggested, why not get divorced?
    Take it from there.
     
  9. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    I feel quite perplexed by all of this. I also have step children and cannot imagine putting up with any kind of **** like this from them. It seems that something is definitely a miss here. I'm not trying to be difficult but I too have been seething over angieballs posts....they do not make sense to me...whatsoever. I would really like to know "what the heck is the missing piece here? I have seen pp give lots of great support and advice and it always seems to come back to the same thing...to me anyway...those kids are calling the shots...and I still can't figure out how this is happening. They whole idea of taking precious time to record all spending for the last whatever...days months years is completely bizarre...I can only imagine myself telling them to "get knotted". There has to be a solution to this...I still feel like someone else needs to take over this heavy burden for poor angieballs...or Angie...you need to run a mile and disappear for a while...let oh and family do some bonding...see what comes of that. Life is way to short for this horse***.
     
  10. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    I agree with Caroleca.

    No one should be expected to put up with such a situation and, frankly, not many people would, and I find it hard to believe that the OPG would give their approval if they were aware of the whole picture. If the questions to them were can the PoAs request bank statements or put in a spending allowance then yes, of course, they can do both. But that doesn't mean this is what they should be doing in this particular situation or that it's in their dad's best interests.

    Apart from anything else, they seem to have taken control of 'marital finances' (I can't think of a better phrase). Even if all the income is at first glance the dad's, a long marriage pretty much guarantees that some if it actually Angie's too. Angie, if you were to divorce you certainly wouldn't be walking away with just your personal belongings.

    So please consider standing up for yourself or getting a friend, family member, or a charity to do it for you. You and your husband are being bullied by your stepchildren and it's almost certain that this will now continue unless you do something about it.

    My advice would be further contact with the OPG, and in writing. The helplines are ok but things can be misunderstood. If you put everything down in black and white they would have no choice but to act as it's very clear that your husband's best interests are being ignored and looking at it all objectively I can't see any reason why his spending should be curtailed. We're talking about a pint and a pie in his local, not frequent trips to exotic destinations where you both go clubbing and offer magnums of Champagne to passing strangers.

    The stepchildren need to understand that it's their dad's money (and some of it is yours!) and it's not their job to decide if he can spend it on a pie.
     
  11. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    #151 Chemmy, Oct 27, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2016
    What I can't understand is why the solicitors aren't telling the step-children that and advising Angie accordingly. That's the bit that doesn't make sense to me.

    Are there conditions specified in the financial LPA which seemed (to the donor, Angie's husband) a good idea at the time but have now caused this problem?

    I'm concerned that in a 20+ year relationship, you seem to have no personal or joint funds. That seems a very one-sided arrangement. Do you know if he has provided for you in his will? Because if not, you really need to try and take advice on how best to secure your future.
     
  12. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,404
    Kent
    I agree, looking back through the early posts a few of us, me included, commented things don't seem to add up that there seems to be something else maybe that we or angieballs are unaware of. But whatever it is, the situation can only be fully understood and resolved by angieballs or someone she trusts getting to grips with being proactive and putting things in writing to the OPG. It doesn't make sense to me, many of us have poa for our pwd and have a good working understanding of the OPG and their responsibility in dealing with financial abuse and action they can take.
     
  13. Diannie

    Diannie Registered User

    Jun 2, 2015
    168
    I agree with above posts. Angieballs posts go back to 2013 when her problems began. That's an awfully long time with things not being resolved
     
  14. 70smand

    70smand Registered User

    Dec 4, 2011
    265
    Female
    Essex
    Hi Angie,

    I have just read your whole post and am angry and perplexed. You are a wonderful caring wife and I can't believe his children are doing this- are they trying to punish him for something as that what it seems like. You should both be spending money on whatever makes you happy whilst you can.
    Would your husband consider respite at a care home or if he feels he has capacity then he probably won't see why he should when he has his own home and you to look after him. Have you tried to send his kids a video of how they make him feel if he is able to articulate what they have done to him. I would definitely go visit them with him and ask them to explain everything to him - they owe him and you that.
    They say the money is for his future but his future is now and what's left can eventually go on a care home or carers as necessary and when it runs out the local council will pick up the bill.

    I'm so shocked that your situation is even legal. I hope you get some headway soon.

    Love and hugs xxx
     
  15. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    #155 angiebails, Feb 20, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
    Ok I havnt posted on this post as it got so stressful but now I would just like to give some advice re a POA . Once you have a attorney they have it they have an Open opputunity to do what ever they like.
    They have given me a cash allowance of £50 a week for petty cash and anything else goes on my personal credit card for them to decide if they will pay or not pay.
    I have my bills paid but the stress this has put on my husband has been beyond belief. He thinks we have no money as we are restricted on everything. The public guardian do nothing they speak to you like you are the scum of the earth as the attorneys have the upper hand.
    They have withdrawn all there solicitors bills from his account but refused to pay our bill as he no capacity to instruct a solicitor so the bill is mine for trying to support his human rights in regard to the mental capacity act.2005. I now have a £2000 bill, and the reply to my desperate plea to his daughter after 2 nights of no sleep was this.
    I don't really know what can be done now, the financial situation is not going to change. Even if I show him accounts it won't help - I saw he struggled with the Xmas cards. This is part of his illness if he didn't get stressed about this it would be something else it must be difficult for him he's is frustrated and taking out in the nearest person.
    Let me know if it's time to get proffesional help to give you some time off and a break. Sal.
    Please consider carefully who you enrol on a POA as they are only interested in the inheritance and not the best interest of the the person. Not all family are like this and I would assume that the upbringing I have given to my children they would consider me but this hasn't been the case for my husband. He spends nights crying as he has no money left to spend in his last years and I have to live on a pittance as they refuse to pay anything that doesn't apply to there father.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  16. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Oh Angie, I am so shocked by this. I cannot understand how people can be so cruel and self centred. Clearly they have no respect for their father and show no self respect either.

    I have no advice to give, but send you my best wishes. Your husband is very lucky to have you standing by his side and supporting him; that is true love. You are a very caring person. I wish you well
     
  17. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    #157 angiebails, Feb 20, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
    Thank you . Every door I have knocked on has given me no help, as dementia is no standard illness.The professionals who should know better just turn there back on you.



    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  18. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    This is so cruel Angie, and absolutely shocking that you can't get any help. Wish I could give you some advice but I can't really add anything. Legal action is so very expensive. I'm assuming you have been to the Citizens' Advice Bureau and any local Carer's Support groups where people may be a able to advise you.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  19. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,520
    Ireland
    Was just wondering this morning how things were with you Angie. I'm so sorry to hear they're like this.

    Sent from my Moto G Play using Talking Point mobile app
     
  20. la lucia

    la lucia Registered User

    Jul 3, 2011
    591
    #160 la lucia, Feb 25, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2017
    This does not make sense at all.

    Even if someone has lost capacity the law is quite clear that they should still be able to use their money to enjoy their life and furthermore they should be helped to participate in decisions about it.

    Their rights must be respected and their previous ways of living should be a part of that. Eg if they used to spend money on an annual trip to the Caribbean they should still be able to do that. They are entitled to use their OWN money for pleasure or to maintain their lives. It is NOT deprivation of assets.

    Mental capacity is not a straight line it should be considered on an 'as needed' basis. The details are on the link below.

    Here's a link from the UK government website to help explain this. It also explains what to do if POAs go wrong. How to obtain an advocate and so on.

    Attorneys can't be total control freaks just the same as they can't go off and spend the money irresponsibly. It's still the donor's money and if the donor wants to eat in a swanky restaurant every Saturday night AND can afford it so they should.

    I don't understand why an advocate hasn't been appointed or one of the other mediation routes suggested on the link I've posted. Attorneys can't just take over like this. The law is quite clear.

    I really hope this helps.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.