I'm still in shock at how this has ended,he's only 63,I'm 69.It's 2 months he's been in care and I thought I'd accepted it but was in tears yet again today after a visit,to see him be led by the hand by a carer to the dining table asking where are you going😭He's warm 24/7,well fed,every need taken care of and safe after a few scary incidents at home,if only he realised this😞
Placing a partner in a care home
- Thread starter maggieanne
- Start date
@sunshine chrissy - you are bound to get the odd blip. Next time you visit it will probably be entirely different again.
He may not realise how well he is being taken care of, but you do - keep hold of that
xx
He may not realise how well he is being taken care of, but you do - keep hold of that
xx
When you are struggling to meet their needs, are unable to keep them safe, when it is starting to affect your own health (mental or physical), if there is a danger to your own safety, when you are constantly crying or wake up dreading the coming day, when having visiting carers is not enough.
Asking the question is also a good indicator
Could you try for some respite @tonebear? As a bit of an experiment to see how you feel with the break and a different arrangement. I think this is one area self funders dont avail themselves of due to the cost. If ur funded by the council regular respite is often included after a carers assessment
Hi maggieann
Hi maggieanne,how is your husband doing now? It's been 9 weeks now since mine went into care and this week for the 1st time he's not asked when am I taking him home.I'm hoping he's adapted at last,he seems quite content,hope it lasts! I feel less stressed about visiting now,I always came away crying.It's still heartbreaking at what our lives together have become and even though I've got family around me for Christmas it'll be hard,thinking of all the happy times over the years.It means nothing to me this year without him but I'll keep that to myself,I don't want to bring everyone down on the day.Hope your hubby has settled too!❤️
Hi,sunshine Chrissy
Glad to hear your husband is settling. It helps doesn’t it to see that.
My husbands dementia has definitely got worse since he arrived at the care home. The trouble is every one there is so much older than him. He’s never asked to come home but he did ask his brother why he was there.
I went yesterday and he said he was so glad to see me. It’s really hard to gage what he actually understands in what’s going on.
I still have a cry at least once a day. I think that helps as I feel I’m grieving for the person he was.
It definitely doesn’t help being the time of year. I wasn’t going to put up an Xmas tree. My daughter and granddaughter said I must in fact they came to me and put it up. We had a few hours playing xmas songs . Like yourself I’m going to try and enjoy the festivities with family. Try not to be sad in front of them. Save the cry for when I’m alone.
We must try and continue having a good life. I know my husband would want me to. It’s true dementia takes two lifes. But we must not let that happen. It helps taking to others like yourself. Knowing I’m not alone in this.
Wishing you and your family a happy Christmas xx
Glad to hear your husband is settling. It helps doesn’t it to see that.
My husbands dementia has definitely got worse since he arrived at the care home. The trouble is every one there is so much older than him. He’s never asked to come home but he did ask his brother why he was there.
I went yesterday and he said he was so glad to see me. It’s really hard to gage what he actually understands in what’s going on.
I still have a cry at least once a day. I think that helps as I feel I’m grieving for the person he was.
It definitely doesn’t help being the time of year. I wasn’t going to put up an Xmas tree. My daughter and granddaughter said I must in fact they came to me and put it up. We had a few hours playing xmas songs . Like yourself I’m going to try and enjoy the festivities with family. Try not to be sad in front of them. Save the cry for when I’m alone.
We must try and continue having a good life. I know my husband would want me to. It’s true dementia takes two lifes. But we must not let that happen. It helps taking to others like yourself. Knowing I’m not alone in this.
Wishing you and your family a happy Christmas xx
Thank you,my family also made sure I decorated the house as we always did😊It's the same for me too,everyone in there is older than him but really,it's me that notices that,not him and you're so right,we can't let dementia take us both.Wishing you the best Christmas possible❤️
Hello @maggieanne
It sounds like your husband is beginning to settle well.
When someone first moves into a care home it throws a cruel spotlight on all their difficulties. At home they can "hide" a lot of their symptoms by using routine, but in an unfamiliar environment it all comes out - very much like when they are on holiday and they seem much worse. Your husband will need to learn the new routine and layout of the home and get used to the staff around. It will take a bit of time.
It sounds like your husband is beginning to settle well.
When someone first moves into a care home it throws a cruel spotlight on all their difficulties. At home they can "hide" a lot of their symptoms by using routine, but in an unfamiliar environment it all comes out - very much like when they are on holiday and they seem much worse. Your husband will need to learn the new routine and layout of the home and get used to the staff around. It will take a bit of time.
Well my husband is with my son since yesterday to give me a break and has phoned three times today to "chat". He has just been accepted for residential care (we are in Oz so it is a different system). I am experiencing such mixed feelings, relief, guilt, sadness. But I know I can't go on like this and neither can he. Me working half days was ok but now he just can't really be left alone even for the half days. I am hoping that going into care will slow his deterioration because he will have a lot more social stimulation, and that he will learn to feel safe again. He really only feels safe with me and so I am completely tied. No excursions, he gets too tired, no going out for dinner or to the cinema, he can't follow a film. Our only outings are to the DIY store, we buy stuff and I take it back a few days later, or for breakfast or lunch. I hope that when he goes into care that we will rediscover our relationship as man and wife and not patient and carer. This is a hard journey and we must talk about it. There is no right or wrong way but there is experience of others that I find really helpful in these forums. Merry Christmas to all !
Well, it has been 8 weeks now…..that my husband has been in the care home. And, we are both miserable. He sleeps through the night now because of the medication they give him. And, his anxiety has lessened….again because of the medication they give him. Every day he asks why he can’t live with me. Every day he tells me he loves me and wants to live with me. And, I feel the same way. I am thinking about how I can find live in care in our home and then use the same medication. I have a 4 hour/day day care he could go to….even when he is not mobile. We are so fused as a couple and have always been. I just don’t feel any of the “relief” that I was told I would feel. And, to be honest, I don’t feel guilt. I just miss him. Have been reading Loving Someone Who Has Dementia….really good book!!
My husband has been in a Dementia Specific Lodge for 7 months. I did not go and see him for the first 3 weeks to give him a chance to settle but since then go every second day. The staff told methis week he will not eat lunch if I go in the morning but wanders and keeps asking for me. If I go in the afternoon the dreaded sun-downing seems to ruin that visit for me. Is there a "right " frequency for visiting? I want, and need, to see him and as I am his only visitor would appreciate suggestions from others who walk this path
I don’t think there is a ‘right’ - it’s so dependent on the individuals. I go every evening to see my mum and often spend other time too at the weekend. But she is very settled and thinks I live there too possibly.
Why don’t you go at lunchtime and sit down with him? You could then perhaps enjoy early afternoon before the sundowning….
Why don’t you go at lunchtime and sit down with him? You could then perhaps enjoy early afternoon before the sundowning….
Hello again to everyone who's posted on this topic here and elsewhere (especially Sunshine Chrissie as things seem to have happened to us in parallel). It's so helpful to know all of us in these circumstances go through this chain of heartwrenching emotions.
I'm 10 weeks down this road now, and at last feeling less tearful. The restrictions and impoverished environment of my husband's life now compared with what he had here at home with me really ate away at me for a long time, but slowly it's sinking in that this isn't how he's experiencing it. Incredible though it seems, he doesn't seem to mind or even to notice, and he really does appear to be ok there.
I can begin now to see that somewhere down the line I'm going to be able to accept this, let go of the angst, just allow it to be what it is and live with it. I'm not there yet by any means, but this does feel like progress and I hope it will give heart to others.
I wish everyone the happiest Christmas they can manage, and that 2024 will be a much better year for us all. Thankyou all for sharing your experiences and for your support.
I'm 10 weeks down this road now, and at last feeling less tearful. The restrictions and impoverished environment of my husband's life now compared with what he had here at home with me really ate away at me for a long time, but slowly it's sinking in that this isn't how he's experiencing it. Incredible though it seems, he doesn't seem to mind or even to notice, and he really does appear to be ok there.
I can begin now to see that somewhere down the line I'm going to be able to accept this, let go of the angst, just allow it to be what it is and live with it. I'm not there yet by any means, but this does feel like progress and I hope it will give heart to others.
I wish everyone the happiest Christmas they can manage, and that 2024 will be a much better year for us all. Thankyou all for sharing your experiences and for your support.
canary gave me the same advice in october,she was right,my husband went into permanent care on 1st Dec after being in respite care for 6 weeks,I hadn't realised how much I was coping with and how I was sinking,I still cry most days but he's adapting now to his new life,it's taken almost 10 weeks in all to get there but he seems content now which is a comfort to me,he's safe,warm,cared for and well fed,he's probably happier than me in his new world!!!
Thank you for the suggestion. That works as I discovered last week. I will take my lunch with me as he wanted to know where mine was. I was just wondering if there is any research done on this matter altho everything I have read says each PWD is different. No easy solutions for anything to do with dementia I have discovered . Should have known as we cared for a severely disabled daughter for 41 years,,,,, you would think I would have learned eh??
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