Placing a partner in a care home

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
I've been reading through this post taking note of everyone's comments as I too am in this situation. My OH has been in a care home for nearly two months for me to organise a house move. Not the best time in our lives I know but it became essential. He settled in the home incredibly well and joins in the activities and responds to the carers when when they speak to him although he has little speech. The move was delayed for a month and I am now moving at the end of this week. I will have to extend his stay again to get some organisation in the new house but I am thinking of bringing him back to live at the new house.

I have an argument going on inside myself saying he deserves a nice life with home comforts and freedom to walk when he want to. The other side reminds me of how it was out looking for him when he got lost when he was out walking alone and the continual demand of looking after him. At the home the majority of residents are older than my OH, he is 77 and most of the other residents are in their 80s and 90s, and their dementia is further progressed and sleep a good part of the day.

If Christmas had not been around the corner I think I would have left him another month to see how things pan out but with the Christmas period it seems to put added pressure to make a decision. One I'm struggling with and it seems no one to discuss it with so I'm grateful for this forum to read how others are dealing with the same problem.
I'm still in shock at how this has ended,he's only 63,I'm 69.It's 2 months he's been in care and I thought I'd accepted it but was in tears yet again today after a visit,to see him be led by the hand by a carer to the dining table asking where are you going😭He's warm 24/7,well fed,every need taken care of and safe after a few scary incidents at home,if only he realised this😞
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,616
0
South coast
@sunshine chrissy - you are bound to get the odd blip. Next time you visit it will probably be entirely different again.

He may not realise how well he is being taken care of, but you do - keep hold of that
xx
 

tonebear

Registered User
Jun 7, 2023
213
0
dorset
Hello @GKB

I think that everyone who moves their loved one to a care home/memory care home feels guilty. We have been caring for them for so long that we become engulfed in caring and then when they dont understand and just want to come home it makes us feel we have left them down.

The guilt monster whispers in our ear - "look, look, he is so upset, how can you bear it. You gave up too soon, you should have tried harder. If you bring him back now it will be different now". Lies all lies. Dont listen to it. Knock it off your shoulder.

Think about what it was like before he moved there. I'll bet you tried everything and went above and beyond to make it work before you realised that it just couldnt. The simple truth is that dementia progresses to the stage where it takes a whole team of people to look after them, not just one frazzled and sleep deprived person, no matter how loving and willing.

Im sure you know this really. Its just that the knowledge hasnt travelled from your head to your heart. It takes time for the carer to adjust too
Good advice, thanks, BUT the thing is when is that time?????
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,616
0
South coast
Good advice, thanks, BUT the thing is when is that time?????
When you are struggling to meet their needs, are unable to keep them safe, when it is starting to affect your own health (mental or physical), if there is a danger to your own safety, when you are constantly crying or wake up dreading the coming day, when having visiting carers is not enough.

Asking the question is also a good indicator
 

tonebear

Registered User
Jun 7, 2023
213
0
dorset
When you are struggling to meet their needs, are unable to keep them safe, when it is starting to affect your own health (mental or physical), if there is a danger to your own safety, when you are constantly crying or wake up dreading the coming day, when having visiting carers is not enough.

Asking the question is also a good indicator
Thanks had not thought of things that way.
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
1,892
0
Surrey
Could you try for some respite @tonebear? As a bit of an experiment to see how you feel with the break and a different arrangement. I think this is one area self funders dont avail themselves of due to the cost. If ur funded by the council regular respite is often included after a carers assessment
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
Morning all. My husband of 51 years went into a care home five days ago. My heart is breaking. I knew it would be hard but I’m getting worse as the days go by.
I haven’t visited yet as he was so unsettled they said to leave it a few days. The home and staff are lovely. He’s eating well and thinks he’s there staying to do a job. When he was working sometimes he would be away for a few days.
I really need to see him but at the moment I can’t stop crying. I’m afraid I will when I see him.
It’s his birthday Monday and my son and daughter are going to see him. I’ve told him I’m going into hospital. They said it’s better they go first and his brother the day after.
Any advice will be really welcome.
Hi maggieann
Morning all. My husband of 51 years went into a care home five days ago. My heart is breaking. I knew it would be hard but I’m getting worse as the days go by.
I haven’t visited yet as he was so unsettled they said to leave it a few days. The home and staff are lovely. He’s eating well and thinks he’s there staying to do a job. When he was working sometimes he would be away for a few days.
I really need to see him but at the moment I can’t stop crying. I’m afraid I will when I see him.
It’s his birthday Monday and my son and daughter are going to see him. I’ve told him I’m going into hospital. They said it’s better they go first and his brother the day after.
Any advice will be really welcome.
Hi maggieanne,how is your husband doing now? It's been 9 weeks now since mine went into care and this week for the 1st time he's not asked when am I taking him home.I'm hoping he's adapted at last,he seems quite content,hope it lasts! I feel less stressed about visiting now,I always came away crying.It's still heartbreaking at what our lives together have become and even though I've got family around me for Christmas it'll be hard,thinking of all the happy times over the years.It means nothing to me this year without him but I'll keep that to myself,I don't want to bring everyone down on the day.Hope your hubby has settled too!❤️
 

maggieanne

Registered User
Oct 14, 2023
30
0
69
Hi,sunshine Chrissy
Glad to hear your husband is settling. It helps doesn’t it to see that.
My husbands dementia has definitely got worse since he arrived at the care home. The trouble is every one there is so much older than him. He’s never asked to come home but he did ask his brother why he was there.
I went yesterday and he said he was so glad to see me. It’s really hard to gage what he actually understands in what’s going on.
I still have a cry at least once a day. I think that helps as I feel I’m grieving for the person he was.
It definitely doesn’t help being the time of year. I wasn’t going to put up an Xmas tree. My daughter and granddaughter said I must in fact they came to me and put it up. We had a few hours playing xmas songs . Like yourself I’m going to try and enjoy the festivities with family. Try not to be sad in front of them. Save the cry for when I’m alone.
We must try and continue having a good life. I know my husband would want me to. It’s true dementia takes two lifes. But we must not let that happen. It helps taking to others like yourself. Knowing I’m not alone in this.
Wishing you and your family a happy Christmas xx
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
Hi,sunshine Chrissy
Glad to hear your husband is settling. It helps doesn’t it to see that.
My husbands dementia has definitely got worse since he arrived at the care home. The trouble is every one there is so much older than him. He’s never asked to come home but he did ask his brother why he was there.
I went yesterday and he said he was so glad to see me. It’s really hard to gage what he actually understands in what’s going on.
I still have a cry at least once a day. I think that helps as I feel I’m grieving for the person he was.
It definitely doesn’t help being the time of year. I wasn’t going to put up an Xmas tree. My daughter and granddaughter said I must in fact they came to me and put it up. We had a few hours playing xmas songs . Like yourself I’m going to try and enjoy the festivities with family. Try not to be sad in front of them. Save the cry for when I’m alone.
We must try and continue having a good life. I know my husband would want me to. It’s true dementia takes two lifes. But we must not let that happen. It helps taking to others like yourself. Knowing I’m not alone in this.
Wishing you and your family a happy Christmas xx
Thank you,my family also made sure I decorated the house as we always did😊It's the same for me too,everyone in there is older than him but really,it's me that notices that,not him and you're so right,we can't let dementia take us both.Wishing you the best Christmas possible❤️
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,616
0
South coast
Hello @maggieanne

It sounds like your husband is beginning to settle well.
When someone first moves into a care home it throws a cruel spotlight on all their difficulties. At home they can "hide" a lot of their symptoms by using routine, but in an unfamiliar environment it all comes out - very much like when they are on holiday and they seem much worse. Your husband will need to learn the new routine and layout of the home and get used to the staff around. It will take a bit of time.
 

Roo91

New member
Dec 12, 2023
1
0
Well my husband is with my son since yesterday to give me a break and has phoned three times today to "chat". He has just been accepted for residential care (we are in Oz so it is a different system). I am experiencing such mixed feelings, relief, guilt, sadness. But I know I can't go on like this and neither can he. Me working half days was ok but now he just can't really be left alone even for the half days. I am hoping that going into care will slow his deterioration because he will have a lot more social stimulation, and that he will learn to feel safe again. He really only feels safe with me and so I am completely tied. No excursions, he gets too tired, no going out for dinner or to the cinema, he can't follow a film. Our only outings are to the DIY store, we buy stuff and I take it back a few days later, or for breakfast or lunch. I hope that when he goes into care that we will rediscover our relationship as man and wife and not patient and carer. This is a hard journey and we must talk about it. There is no right or wrong way but there is experience of others that I find really helpful in these forums. Merry Christmas to all !
 

GKB

Registered User
Jun 4, 2023
28
0
London
Well, it has been 8 weeks now…..that my husband has been in the care home. And, we are both miserable. He sleeps through the night now because of the medication they give him. And, his anxiety has lessened….again because of the medication they give him. Every day he asks why he can’t live with me. Every day he tells me he loves me and wants to live with me. And, I feel the same way. I am thinking about how I can find live in care in our home and then use the same medication. I have a 4 hour/day day care he could go to….even when he is not mobile. We are so fused as a couple and have always been. I just don’t feel any of the “relief” that I was told I would feel. And, to be honest, I don’t feel guilt. I just miss him. Have been reading Loving Someone Who Has Dementia….really good book!!
 

GKB

Registered User
Jun 4, 2023
28
0
London
Well my husband is with my son since yesterday to give me a break and has phoned three times today to "chat". He has just been accepted for residential care (we are in Oz so it is a different system). I am experiencing such mixed feelings, relief, guilt, sadness. But I know I can't go on like this and neither can he. Me working half days was ok but now he just can't really be left alone even for the half days. I am hoping that going into care will slow his deterioration because he will have a lot more social stimulation, and that he will learn to feel safe again. He really only feels safe with me and so I am completely tied. No excursions, he gets too tired, no going out for dinner or to the cinema, he can't follow a film. Our only outings are to the DIY store, we buy stuff and I take it back a few days later, or for breakfast or lunch. I hope that when he goes into care that we will rediscover our relationship as man and wife and not patient and carer. This is a hard journey and we must talk about it. There is no right or wrong way but there is experience of others that I find really helpful in these forums. Merry Christmas to all !
And, you are right….there is no right or wrong. Merry Christmas!
 

Gayster

Registered User
Dec 10, 2023
10
0
Morning all. My husband of 51 years went into a care home five days ago. My heart is breaking. I knew it would be hard but I’m getting worse as the days go by.
I haven’t visited yet as he was so unsettled they said to leave it a few days. The home and staff are lovely. He’s eating well and thinks he’s there staying to do a job. When he was working sometimes he would be away for a few days.
I really need to see him but at the moment I can’t stop crying. I’m afraid I will when I see him.
It’s his birthday Monday and my son and daughter are going to see him. I’ve told him I’m going into hospital. They said it’s better they go first and his brother the day after.
Any advice will be really welcome.
 

Gayster

Registered User
Dec 10, 2023
10
0
My husband has been in a Dementia Specific Lodge for 7 months. I did not go and see him for the first 3 weeks to give him a chance to settle but since then go every second day. The staff told methis week he will not eat lunch if I go in the morning but wanders and keeps asking for me. If I go in the afternoon the dreaded sun-downing seems to ruin that visit for me. Is there a "right " frequency for visiting? I want, and need, to see him and as I am his only visitor would appreciate suggestions from others who walk this path
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
1,892
0
Surrey
I don’t think there is a ‘right’ - it’s so dependent on the individuals. I go every evening to see my mum and often spend other time too at the weekend. But she is very settled and thinks I live there too possibly.

Why don’t you go at lunchtime and sit down with him? You could then perhaps enjoy early afternoon before the sundowning….
 

Slipstitch

Registered User
Jun 17, 2022
43
0
Hello again to everyone who's posted on this topic here and elsewhere (especially Sunshine Chrissie as things seem to have happened to us in parallel). It's so helpful to know all of us in these circumstances go through this chain of heartwrenching emotions.

I'm 10 weeks down this road now, and at last feeling less tearful. The restrictions and impoverished environment of my husband's life now compared with what he had here at home with me really ate away at me for a long time, but slowly it's sinking in that this isn't how he's experiencing it. Incredible though it seems, he doesn't seem to mind or even to notice, and he really does appear to be ok there.

I can begin now to see that somewhere down the line I'm going to be able to accept this, let go of the angst, just allow it to be what it is and live with it. I'm not there yet by any means, but this does feel like progress and I hope it will give heart to others.

I wish everyone the happiest Christmas they can manage, and that 2024 will be a much better year for us all. Thankyou all for sharing your experiences and for your support.
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
Thanks had not thought of things that way.
canary gave me the same advice in october,she was right,my husband went into permanent care on 1st Dec after being in respite care for 6 weeks,I hadn't realised how much I was coping with and how I was sinking,I still cry most days but he's adapting now to his new life,it's taken almost 10 weeks in all to get there but he seems content now which is a comfort to me,he's safe,warm,cared for and well fed,he's probably happier than me in his new world!!!
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
Hello again to everyone who's posted on this topic here and elsewhere (especially Sunshine Chrissie as things seem to have happened to us in parallel). It's so helpful to know all of us in these circumstances go through this chain of heartwrenching emotions.

I'm 10 weeks down this road now, and at last feeling less tearful. The restrictions and impoverished environment of my husband's life now compared with what he had here at home with me really ate away at me for a long time, but slowly it's sinking in that this isn't how he's experiencing it. Incredible though it seems, he doesn't seem to mind or even to notice, and he really does appear to be ok there.

I can begin now to see that somewhere down the line I'm going to be able to accept this, let go of the angst, just allow it to be what it is and live with it. I'm not there yet by any means, but this does feel like progress and I hope it will give heart to others.

I wish everyone the happiest Christmas they can manage, and that 2024 will be a much better year for us all. Thankyou all for sharing your experiences and for your support.
❤️
 

Gayster

Registered User
Dec 10, 2023
10
0
I don’t think there is a ‘right’ - it’s so dependent on the individuals. I go every evening to see my mum and often spend other time too at the weekend. But she is very settled and thinks I live there too possibly.

Why don’t you go at lunchtime and sit down with him? You could then perhaps enjoy early afternoon before the sundowning….
Thank you for the suggestion. That works as I discovered last week. I will take my lunch with me as he wanted to know where mine was. I was just wondering if there is any research done on this matter altho everything I have read says each PWD is different. No easy solutions for anything to do with dementia I have discovered . Should have known as we cared for a severely disabled daughter for 41 years,,,,, you would think I would have learned eh??