I’ve always looked after my husband myself since his diagnosis for Alzheimer’s but his condition has deteriorated. He has been unwell following a fall and has spent some weeks in hospital. He’s now in a nursing home as his needs have changed. His speech has been affected, he’s doubly incontinent and he has poor mobility. I’m trying to accept that he won’t be coming home and will have to be in full time care. Luckily it is local and I can visit every day. Our home seems so empty without him. I’m finding it hard. I’ve often turned to this forum for advice & wondered if others have found this transition hard. I’ve always known the day would come, but it feels raw & hard to understand at the moment. I’m not sleeping & feel quite low.
Husband in nursing home
- Thread starter Safi
- Start date
Awww lovely lady I offer you a million hugs x. What a superstar you’ve been looking after him at home x
I can’t offer much advice x but to try and take each hour at a time x each day at a time. And keep yourself as comfortable as possible at home. Eg. Wrap yourself in fleece and hot water bottle x. Be totally kind to yourself when u get back from your visits xxxx
I am not at this stage yet my husband is 67 and still at home x. People say look after yourself but your looking after two people all the time x. When he sleeps I sleep x. But I do miss social life and grandchildren activities xx
Back to you massive hugs and be so proud of yourself xxx
I can’t offer much advice x but to try and take each hour at a time x each day at a time. And keep yourself as comfortable as possible at home. Eg. Wrap yourself in fleece and hot water bottle x. Be totally kind to yourself when u get back from your visits xxxx
I am not at this stage yet my husband is 67 and still at home x. People say look after yourself but your looking after two people all the time x. When he sleeps I sleep x. But I do miss social life and grandchildren activities xx
Back to you massive hugs and be so proud of yourself xxx
Of course it`s hard @Safi. How can it be anything but?
I hope your husband`s care home is one where you can feel they are sharing the caring with you.
This is how I felt when my husband went into residential care.
Adjusting to an empty house is big but it will allow you time to recuperate from the stresses of full time care.
Not sleeping is probably because you are used to disturbed nights and are also worried about your husband.
Don`t try too hard to sleep. Lie in bed and listen to some gentle music. Tell yourself it doesn`t matter if you don`t sleep as long as you are resting in bed.
If you can believe in this system, count your breaths, in for one, out for two. You might get mixed up and lose your place. This shows you are beginning to relax. If this happens, you start again from the beginning.
I hope your husband`s care home is one where you can feel they are sharing the caring with you.
This is how I felt when my husband went into residential care.
Adjusting to an empty house is big but it will allow you time to recuperate from the stresses of full time care.
Not sleeping is probably because you are used to disturbed nights and are also worried about your husband.
Don`t try too hard to sleep. Lie in bed and listen to some gentle music. Tell yourself it doesn`t matter if you don`t sleep as long as you are resting in bed.
If you can believe in this system, count your breaths, in for one, out for two. You might get mixed up and lose your place. This shows you are beginning to relax. If this happens, you start again from the beginning.
No secret I find rattling around an empty house since my wife passed away a lonely experience, dont mind admitting it. That said and I've posted about them before I have Britain's best next door neighbours.
Nothing planned with them today but who knows what will happen, dragged round the shops by her and the children, off to quote on jobs with him, maybe his little sister (heavily pregnant) who's house we are doing up will find me something to do too.
Maybe it's easier as a man to put yourself out ther as they say.
K
Nothing planned with them today but who knows what will happen, dragged round the shops by her and the children, off to quote on jobs with him, maybe his little sister (heavily pregnant) who's house we are doing up will find me something to do too.
Maybe it's easier as a man to put yourself out ther as they say.
K
Sounds like you do have best next door neighbours and it must ease some of the challenges. But you and your wife must be/have been lovely neighbours too as I like to imagine what goes around, comes around.
I know how you r feeling my husband went into residential care over a year ago because of his aggression I still miss him every day he has been ill he had an infection and low iron he had been unable to walk though he is starting to take a few steps he will probably have to move to nursing hopefully somewhere closer I don’t think I will ever get used to him being in a home but I have R arthritis and know I couldn’t care for him he is content where he is think it hurts us more and I have a lot of guilt though the decision to put him into care was taken out of my hands
Update. My lovely husband passed away and I am devastated. He was in and out of hospital as he lost the ability to swallow. It was a harrowing decision to keep him in the care home when this kept happening. Local GP visited him in the care home and also helped me make the decision & the dreaded syringe driver was used to help relieve pain. It seems a terrible way to die, no liquid and just watching him struggle to breathe. It took 4 days but it seemed an eternity. Now I’m reliving every moment, having flash backs of his final hours which is so hard. I’ve been his carer for so many years and my life feels empty. Funeral was a celebration of his life but he was only 73 and it seems too young to leave us. I’m just grateful for all the good times we had despite his dementia. Thank you to all involved on this thread as I’ve often found support here & it helps to know I’m not alone. Cherish every moment with your loved ones.
So so sorry about your husband passing and in such a dreadful way. I’m not there yet so I have no advice to offer as to how to pick up the pieces. Try to be kind to yourself and not expect too much of yourself. One day at a time.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) @Safi I am so sorry to hear your news
A bad fall can really knock the stuffing out of elderly people, especially if they have dementia. My mum had a bad fall which propelled her to end of life and she died a month later. You did so well looking after him at home until he reached that point.
I want to reassure you that the image of his final days will fade with time. What you describe about him not eating or drinking and the breakdown of the breathing is what happens when someone dies from dementia and their body is slowly closing down. It happened with my mum too and, yes, it is harrowing to watch (especially if you are not aware of what is happening), but I was glad that mum was in a care home and I didn't have to deal with it myself. This was a few years ago now and although I have not forgotten, the horror has passed
xxx
A bad fall can really knock the stuffing out of elderly people, especially if they have dementia. My mum had a bad fall which propelled her to end of life and she died a month later. You did so well looking after him at home until he reached that point.
I want to reassure you that the image of his final days will fade with time. What you describe about him not eating or drinking and the breakdown of the breathing is what happens when someone dies from dementia and their body is slowly closing down. It happened with my mum too and, yes, it is harrowing to watch (especially if you are not aware of what is happening), but I was glad that mum was in a care home and I didn't have to deal with it myself. This was a few years ago now and although I have not forgotten, the horror has passed
xxx
Thankyou for your messages, it’s been a long journey but I was pleased that we managed to do so much together. I never wanted dementia to define him and he battled til the end. Missing him so much but hanging on to those happy memories. I’m going to ask for bereavement counselling as this may help. Being a carer for so long leaves such a hole in life. Thanks again for support x
i was so sorry to hear that you have lost your husband now @Sadi. It will be hard to get used to living on your own and will take time I am sure. We all have to have a purpose and when my husband was at home with me, I actually was quite positive and felt I had a purpose in living, taking care of him. It was my children who knew I couldn’t keep it up. They did not live nearby but when they visited they could see it clearly. He has been in his nursing home now for eighteen months or so and is now reaching a very late stage. my visits are becoming so painful, but I know he hears my voice and I have to stay strong. I really think he listens and sometimes he tries to respond, but mostly sleeps. I think all the physical care necessary exhausts him, although I cannot fault it. With regard to living on my own, I think I have adjusted on a practical front but the loss of our life together is awful, I don’t cope well and I know I won’t cope well at the end. I just know that he was a strong shoulder to lean on all our life, a lovely sense of humour and so well liked by anyone who knew him. I apologise for writing in this way and send my love to all.
Please don't apologise for your posts @Goldenthyme It is what this forum is for.
Many of us will identify with your experiences and feelings and trying to come to terms with what life throws at us.
You are coping as well as you can. Try not to think ahead too much if you can, but live from day to day. There is no alternative to the pain.
Many of us will identify with your experiences and feelings and trying to come to terms with what life throws at us.
You are coping as well as you can. Try not to think ahead too much if you can, but live from day to day. There is no alternative to the pain.
Sending love & hugs to you. Know what you are going through but try to stay strong. Get out in the fresh air and take care of yourself. I have found talking to good friends so helpful so keep talking and sharing your feelings. It’s why this forum is so helpful xx
