Hi
@maggieanne
I am sorry to hear about your situation but it is still early days. My wife went into a care home in May 2019. At first, she seemed to settle in very quickly. I didn't visit for the first few days then got into a routine of visiting for about an hour 3-4 times a week. I knew that it was important to break her dependency on me and transfer it to the care home staff. For a long time she continued to ask where K was, but she had asked me (K) that when she was at home. Eventually she stopped asking for me, talked less about going 'home' and seemed to accept that the care home was where she lived.
It wasn't all plain sailing. She was mobile and active, roaming around the small home rattling door handles, going in and out of other residents' rooms, transferring clothes and belongings from one place to the next. For a while she became quite aggressive, to the extent that she was referred to the challenging behaviour team.
I could see how much better she was being cared for than I had been managing at home. I missed her but knew that the hardest decision I had ever made - to admit her to a care home - was also the best for her and for me too. But I was worried that her challenging behaviour would lead to the home giving her notice to quit. By that time I was making friends with the staff. I voiced my fears to a senior member of the team who said that they'd dealt with this sort of thing many times. She reassured me that my wife would not be asked to leave.
Within a few months, as she became used to her new environment and routine, the extra support of the challenging behaviour team was withdrawn. Now, she is settled and content and is very clearly loved by the staff. Her dementia has progressed and - coming up for 83 - she is no longer independently mobile and says very little. I visit twice weekly or sometimes more if there is an event of some kind. She is sometimes sleepy or asleep, sometimes ignores me, and sometimes bright and lively. She seems comfortable in my presence and I still get glimpses of the person she was before dementia.
Looking after her at home I had become reduced to the role of constant and inadequate carer. Now, with the caring done by others, we have time to sit and enjoy each others company.
Writing this tale of my experience has been more emotionally draining than I thought. One can only do what is best to cope with a bad situation. What has worked for us may not be what works for everyone but I hope that my perspective is helpful to anyone who faces similar challenges.
