@sunshine chrissy I am so pleased to read that your husband has started to join in with activities at the home. Such good news.
Placing a partner in a care home
- Thread starter maggieanne
- Start date
I have not read all of the comments as it would have me in tears! Its a terrible, terrible situation for anyone having to see their loved one placed in care. My wife of 49 years has been in a care home since January and although I put on a brave face for the rest of the family and five children, I feel so terribly alone and isolated and most of all I feel so guilty sitting in our home and living for just myself.
I am a pretty busy person, still run a business and have a young staffy who reminds me of how old I am and how young she is on our twice daily walks across the fields. These walks are very helpful to me, exercise is good anyway and I can clear my mind and think better about all sorts.
I cannot offer any words of comfort that have not been already said, I wish I could. But time does help, gradually you can face looking at just ONE cup of tea in the morning and if you get enough exercise then that will help give you some much needed sleep. My dog Bubbles has saved me I suppose, she is great company, so perhaps consider a pet if you don't already have one. Activity is good, so don't stay at home too much, people around you who are not moaning too much are helpful.
I never realised the size of the dementia problem until Linda became unwell.
Re visits, its mostly the children who pop in most days, the care home is near my daughter who is a brilliant person and keeps on top of her Mums needs, meds, new specs, clothing etc. I visit maybe monthly, Linda knows me as a friendly person who takes her out to lunch and local shopping, I am no longer remembered as a husband sadly.
Easy enough for me to indulge in self pity and moan, but the most important thing to remember is that the ill person has her own life, she still needs loving people around her and whatever sort of reality she has when we visit, thats fine and the aim now is to provide support and love to a wonderful person who has always put herself last. Love is a precious thing that will never tarnish and our loved ones need our love no matter what. XX
I am a pretty busy person, still run a business and have a young staffy who reminds me of how old I am and how young she is on our twice daily walks across the fields. These walks are very helpful to me, exercise is good anyway and I can clear my mind and think better about all sorts.
I cannot offer any words of comfort that have not been already said, I wish I could. But time does help, gradually you can face looking at just ONE cup of tea in the morning and if you get enough exercise then that will help give you some much needed sleep. My dog Bubbles has saved me I suppose, she is great company, so perhaps consider a pet if you don't already have one. Activity is good, so don't stay at home too much, people around you who are not moaning too much are helpful.
I never realised the size of the dementia problem until Linda became unwell.
Re visits, its mostly the children who pop in most days, the care home is near my daughter who is a brilliant person and keeps on top of her Mums needs, meds, new specs, clothing etc. I visit maybe monthly, Linda knows me as a friendly person who takes her out to lunch and local shopping, I am no longer remembered as a husband sadly.
Easy enough for me to indulge in self pity and moan, but the most important thing to remember is that the ill person has her own life, she still needs loving people around her and whatever sort of reality she has when we visit, thats fine and the aim now is to provide support and love to a wonderful person who has always put herself last. Love is a precious thing that will never tarnish and our loved ones need our love no matter what. XX
So sorry to hear maybe if your available same time as your son and pop in 10 mins after if they say the time is right would be good support for you its so hard my mother in law been in 2 months and each day we never know what to expect sending love and support 💕
That’s exactly how I feel. Could I have tried harder. Maybe it will be easier now I’m rested. I then think back to the day before he went to the care home. He wanted to go home, leave our home. He had his coat and shoes on ready to go. I said I don’t feel well we can’t go yet maybe later. He didn’t care about my feelings just that he had to go. I know it was disease talking not him. I know I can’t go back to that. He would want me to have a life. Still doesn’t stop the tears for the person they once were.
I truly don't think they can relate to your feelings or anyone elses. Things like care,concern empathy are higher brain functions and they just don't work. Its sort of like a toddler. I don't think it means they don't love us just they don't understand us. An admiral nurse told me to think of my husband and I on opposite sides of a bridge.He can't move towards me because my world makes no sense to him. I have to move to his world and try to understand it. Its all very hard and endlessly distressing. My husband is in a dementia nursing home and I think its the best thing that I can do for him as their kindness and care have settled him but there's loads of carers and there's only one of you and me.
My husband of 53 years has been in a care home for eight months. He has been getting excellent care. His room is light and looks out in the backyard of a nice home. I used to visit every day but I now try to take a day off for myself. He still knows me and I have been his advocate. I speak for him when he needs help. Try to be cheerful ever when things are bad. Good luck.
Hi my wife and I will have been married 50 years in December. She went into care last September, visiting was always upsetting as she had no concept of there being anything wrong with her, as a result she was unable to understand why she couldn't leave with me and that always resulted in a difficult and stressful situation for staff and myself. Since then she has been Sectioned because of her violence. Now I don't visit at all I just cannot deal with the inevitable clutching on to me, crying, wailing. It is just too much to bear. I now phone regularly to keep up to date on her. It has taken me all this time to come to terms with this. I've sought help to overcome depression and through Social Services have now found activities locally to join, carpet bowls and such like. I have found attending church to be helpful in finding an inner peace, I was previously a stranger to such. What I am trying to say I think is that it will take time but peace will slowly come to you. It is after all a form of grieving. Only recently have I come to view it as not a life lost but of the joy we expierienced in our years together. I find viewing it in a positive light to ease the overwhelming sadness that has been my constant companion this last year.
Thank you Mike, although I am only 3 weeks in to my husband being in the care home I can relate to what you are saying.
When I visit he asks where are we going? My last visit I took him out for a short walk. He’s so used to going for a walk. When he was at home he would say where are we going and a short walk calmed him.It could be a few times a day.
Visiting is hard. Before I go my stomach is in knots wondering how he will be. Then after awhile being there I can’t wait to leave. I find it so distressing. I get home and then I feel guilty for wanting to leave.
I’m trying to rebuild my life. I know he would want me too. There’s so much I want to do. Just spending quality time with friends and family mean so much.
Life is certainly for living. Dementia has certainly made me realise this. We have to make the most of the life we have. Dementia has stolen so much of both our lives.
I’m not quite ready yet but I’m determined to rebuild my life and laugh again. Hope you can do the same at some point,as long as our loved ones are happy and cared for that is the road we must take for them
I’m so glad to see your post, hopefully your husband continues to settle in. It will make such a difference to how you feel about him being there.
I think it is important not to get into the guilt journey. Things don’t get better however much you visit. Their life is that few minutes.in later stages. It doesn’t get any better. I know someone who spent 7 years visiting almost everyday. The only people she mixed was with other Carers and their topi of conversation. Co-dependency.
Everything you’re all feeling resonates so much with me. My husband has been in care nearly 3 months - the care is mostly good but all he still wants is me. I visit most days and have a chat with other residents, most of who still want their partners or daughters to come and take them home. My husband has largely retreated into his room and has his meals in there. No one has time to give him 1to1 time and he seems to be deteriorating rapidly. Against all advice from friends and most family I decided to bring him home with live in care. I’ve had to face up tho to the many potential problems with that arrangement - getting on with a carer living with you, he may be disoriented all over again etc etc. he had a needs assessment for live in care today - he was confused about ‘going home’ and she thought he seemed quite settled! Plan b is to keep him in the home and employ an additional carer to go in most days to give him more 1 to 1 and stimulate him a bit with conversation etc. I feel so guilty and unhappy thinking about him there in the evenings with no one to talk to or give him a cuddle. It’s an impossible situation and all I can do is try different ways of making life a bit more interesting for him. My rational self sees there are too many questions and risks to bringing him home, even with live in support, but my emotional self just wants to give him as much happiness as possible while he can appreciate it.
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