Placing a partner in a care home

JackReacher

Registered User
Oct 22, 2022
21
0
I have not read all of the comments as it would have me in tears! Its a terrible, terrible situation for anyone having to see their loved one placed in care. My wife of 49 years has been in a care home since January and although I put on a brave face for the rest of the family and five children, I feel so terribly alone and isolated and most of all I feel so guilty sitting in our home and living for just myself.
I am a pretty busy person, still run a business and have a young staffy who reminds me of how old I am and how young she is on our twice daily walks across the fields. These walks are very helpful to me, exercise is good anyway and I can clear my mind and think better about all sorts.
I cannot offer any words of comfort that have not been already said, I wish I could. But time does help, gradually you can face looking at just ONE cup of tea in the morning and if you get enough exercise then that will help give you some much needed sleep. My dog Bubbles has saved me I suppose, she is great company, so perhaps consider a pet if you don't already have one. Activity is good, so don't stay at home too much, people around you who are not moaning too much are helpful.
I never realised the size of the dementia problem until Linda became unwell.
Re visits, its mostly the children who pop in most days, the care home is near my daughter who is a brilliant person and keeps on top of her Mums needs, meds, new specs, clothing etc. I visit maybe monthly, Linda knows me as a friendly person who takes her out to lunch and local shopping, I am no longer remembered as a husband sadly.
Easy enough for me to indulge in self pity and moan, but the most important thing to remember is that the ill person has her own life, she still needs loving people around her and whatever sort of reality she has when we visit, thats fine and the aim now is to provide support and love to a wonderful person who has always put herself last. Love is a precious thing that will never tarnish and our loved ones need our love no matter what. XX
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
1,897
0
Surrey
It's so many mixed emotions isn't it? I was so down last week thinking of him lost in there,he's been there 5 weeks now,he won't connect or talk to anyone,they post pics and videos every day on fb showing all the activities etc,he's never there🥲Tonight I checked and there he is,they had live music and he's in the background dancing and singing away❤️All the staff were dancing round him shouting "go eddie,go eddie"it made me so happy to see this😊
A ray of light in your darkness @sunshine chrissy 🥰🥰
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
5,115
0
I have not read all of the comments as it would have me in tears! Its a terrible, terrible situation for anyone having to see their loved one placed in care. My wife of 49 years has been in a care home since January and although I put on a brave face for the rest of the family and five children, I feel so terribly alone and isolated and most of all I feel so guilty sitting in our home and living for just myself.
I am a pretty busy person, still run a business and have a young staffy who reminds me of how old I am and how young she is on our twice daily walks across the fields. These walks are very helpful to me, exercise is good anyway and I can clear my mind and think better about all sorts.
I cannot offer any words of comfort that have not been already said, I wish I could. But time does help, gradually you can face looking at just ONE cup of tea in the morning and if you get enough exercise then that will help give you some much needed sleep. My dog Bubbles has saved me I suppose, she is great company, so perhaps consider a pet if you don't already have one. Activity is good, so don't stay at home too much, people around you who are not moaning too much are helpful.
I never realised the size of the dementia problem until Linda became unwell.
Re visits, its mostly the children who pop in most days, the care home is near my daughter who is a brilliant person and keeps on top of her Mums needs, meds, new specs, clothing etc. I visit maybe monthly, Linda knows me as a friendly person who takes her out to lunch and local shopping, I am no longer remembered as a husband sadly.
Easy enough for me to indulge in self pity and moan, but the most important thing to remember is that the ill person has her own life, she still needs loving people around her and whatever sort of reality she has when we visit, thats fine and the aim now is to provide support and love to a wonderful person who has always put herself last. Love is a precious thing that will never tarnish and our loved ones need our love no matter what. XX
Thank you for sharing your thoughts @JackReacher
 

Sofie13

New member
Oct 2, 2023
3
0
Morning all. My husband of 51 years went into a care home five days ago. My heart is breaking. I knew it would be hard but I’m getting worse as the days go by.
I haven’t visited yet as he was so unsettled they said to leave it a few days. The home and staff are lovely. He’s eating well and thinks he’s there staying to do a job. When he was working sometimes he would be away for a few days.
I really need to see him but at the moment I can’t stop crying. I’m afraid I will when I see him.
It’s his birthday Monday and my son and daughter are going to see him. I’ve told him I’m going into hospital. They said it’s better they go first and his brother the day after.
Any advice will be really welcome.
So sorry to hear maybe if your available same time as your son and pop in 10 mins after if they say the time is right would be good support for you its so hard my mother in law been in 2 months and each day we never know what to expect sending love and support 💕
 

maggieanne

Registered User
Oct 14, 2023
30
0
69
Oh I feel better reading your post

Oh canary,I love this post,it's the very words in my head every day,it's going to take a long time for me to adjust to this new me if you know what I mean,I think about him everyday,the guilt's still there,I wish I could have coped better etc but I just couldn't💔I have to keep reminding myself he's getting better care than I could give him in these last few months,like you say I need it to get out of my head and into my heart❤️
That’s exactly how I feel. Could I have tried harder. Maybe it will be easier now I’m rested. I then think back to the day before he went to the care home. He wanted to go home, leave our home. He had his coat and shoes on ready to go. I said I don’t feel well we can’t go yet maybe later. He didn’t care about my feelings just that he had to go. I know it was disease talking not him. I know I can’t go back to that. He would want me to have a life. Still doesn’t stop the tears for the person they once were.
 

maisiecat

Registered User
Oct 12, 2023
205
0
That’s exactly how I feel. Could I have tried harder. Maybe it will be easier now I’m rested. I then think back to the day before he went to the care home. He wanted to go home, leave our home. He had his coat and shoes on ready to go. I said I don’t feel well we can’t go yet maybe later. He didn’t care about my feelings just that he had to go. I know it was disease talking not him. I know I can’t go back to that. He would want me to have a life. Still doesn’t stop the tears for the person they once were.
I truly don't think they can relate to your feelings or anyone elses. Things like care,concern empathy are higher brain functions and they just don't work. Its sort of like a toddler. I don't think it means they don't love us just they don't understand us. An admiral nurse told me to think of my husband and I on opposite sides of a bridge.He can't move towards me because my world makes no sense to him. I have to move to his world and try to understand it. Its all very hard and endlessly distressing. My husband is in a dementia nursing home and I think its the best thing that I can do for him as their kindness and care have settled him but there's loads of carers and there's only one of you and me.
 

Jenny Marie

New member
Sep 21, 2023
2
0
When you go and see how well he is you will feel so much better and it will be a weight off your shoulders. The first couple of weeks are the hardest but you have to kbow that you have done the right thing for him and for you. X
My husband of 53 years has been in a care home for eight months. He has been getting excellent care. His room is light and looks out in the backyard of a nice home. I used to visit every day but I now try to take a day off for myself. He still knows me and I have been his advocate. I speak for him when he needs help. Try to be cheerful ever when things are bad. Good luck.
 

Mike Doncaster

Registered User
Dec 16, 2022
17
0
Morning all. My husband of 51 years went into a care home five days ago. My heart is breaking. I knew it would be hard but I’m getting worse as the days go by.
I haven’t visited yet as he was so unsettled they said to leave it a few days. The home and staff are lovely. He’s eating well and thinks he’s there staying to do a job. When he was working sometimes he would be away for a few days.
I really need to see him but at the moment I can’t stop crying. I’m afraid I will when I see him.
It’s his birthday Monday and my son and daughter are going to see him. I’ve told him I’m going into hospital. They said it’s better they go first and his brother the day after.
Any advice will be really welcome.
Hi my wife and I will have been married 50 years in December. She went into care last September, visiting was always upsetting as she had no concept of there being anything wrong with her, as a result she was unable to understand why she couldn't leave with me and that always resulted in a difficult and stressful situation for staff and myself. Since then she has been Sectioned because of her violence. Now I don't visit at all I just cannot deal with the inevitable clutching on to me, crying, wailing. It is just too much to bear. I now phone regularly to keep up to date on her. It has taken me all this time to come to terms with this. I've sought help to overcome depression and through Social Services have now found activities locally to join, carpet bowls and such like. I have found attending church to be helpful in finding an inner peace, I was previously a stranger to such. What I am trying to say I think is that it will take time but peace will slowly come to you. It is after all a form of grieving. Only recently have I come to view it as not a life lost but of the joy we expierienced in our years together. I find viewing it in a positive light to ease the overwhelming sadness that has been my constant companion this last year.
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
The posts on this thread, (together with those on the earlier one entitled Still Here) have been so close to my heart. It really helps to know that so many of us in this situation are wrestling with the same complex emotions. Special thanks to Canary for once again being wise & helpful.
For me it’s still this awful sadness , but this week I did manage (just) not to cry in the car on the way home after visiting - that’s a first.
❤️
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
Hi my wife and I will have been married 50 years in December. She went into care last September, visiting was always upsetting as she had no concept of there being anything wrong with her, as a result she was unable to understand why she couldn't leave with me and that always resulted in a difficult and stressful situation for staff and myself. Since then she has been Sectioned because of her violence. Now I don't visit at all I just cannot deal with the inevitable clutching on to me, crying, wailing. It is just too much to bear. I now phone regularly to keep up to date on her. It has taken me all this time to come to terms with this. I've sought help to overcome depression and through Social Services have now found activities locally to join, carpet bowls and such like. I have found attending church to be helpful in finding an inner peace, I was previously a stranger to such. What I am trying to say I think is that it will take time but peace will slowly come to you. It is after all a form of grieving. Only recently have I come to view it as not a life lost but of the joy we expierienced in our years together. I find viewing it in a positive light to ease the overwhelming sadness that has been my constant companion this last year.
❤️
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
I have not read all of the comments as it would have me in tears! Its a terrible, terrible situation for anyone having to see their loved one placed in care. My wife of 49 years has been in a care home since January and although I put on a brave face for the rest of the family and five children, I feel so terribly alone and isolated and most of all I feel so guilty sitting in our home and living for just myself.
I am a pretty busy person, still run a business and have a young staffy who reminds me of how old I am and how young she is on our twice daily walks across the fields. These walks are very helpful to me, exercise is good anyway and I can clear my mind and think better about all sorts.
I cannot offer any words of comfort that have not been already said, I wish I could. But time does help, gradually you can face looking at just ONE cup of tea in the morning and if you get enough exercise then that will help give you some much needed sleep. My dog Bubbles has saved me I suppose, she is great company, so perhaps consider a pet if you don't already have one. Activity is good, so don't stay at home too much, people around you who are not moaning too much are helpful.
I never realised the size of the dementia problem until Linda became unwell.
Re visits, its mostly the children who pop in most days, the care home is near my daughter who is a brilliant person and keeps on top of her Mums needs, meds, new specs, clothing etc. I visit maybe monthly, Linda knows me as a friendly person who takes her out to lunch and local shopping, I am no longer remembered as a husband sadly.
Easy enough for me to indulge in self pity and moan, but the most important thing to remember is that the ill person has her own life, she still needs loving people around her and whatever sort of reality she has when we visit, thats fine and the aim now is to provide support and love to a wonderful person who has always put herself last. Love is a precious thing that will never tarnish and our loved ones need our love no matter what. XX
❤️
 

maggieanne

Registered User
Oct 14, 2023
30
0
69
Thank you Mike, although I am only 3 weeks in to my husband being in the care home I can relate to what you are saying.
When I visit he asks where are we going? My last visit I took him out for a short walk. He’s so used to going for a walk. When he was at home he would say where are we going and a short walk calmed him.It could be a few times a day.
Visiting is hard. Before I go my stomach is in knots wondering how he will be. Then after awhile being there I can’t wait to leave. I find it so distressing. I get home and then I feel guilty for wanting to leave.
I’m trying to rebuild my life. I know he would want me too. There’s so much I want to do. Just spending quality time with friends and family mean so much.
Life is certainly for living. Dementia has certainly made me realise this. We have to make the most of the life we have. Dementia has stolen so much of both our lives.
I’m not quite ready yet but I’m determined to rebuild my life and laugh again. Hope you can do the same at some point,as long as our loved ones are happy and cared for that is the road we must take for them
 

DawnR

Registered User
Sep 14, 2022
93
0
Northumberland
Oh I love your post,you said everything I feel right now!We're 5 weeks in now,the care home post pics and videos on fb each evening,there was one yesterday of my husband sat down with crayons colouring in a book and today they had live music and he's dancing and singing in the background,this is a really big thing for our family,he's not interacted with anything at all,all he does is pace all day long with his big coat on,he won't take it off,his comfort blanket I'm thinking,always ready to come home💔I'm really hoping he's starting to settle in but we'll see,I feel upbeat though after seeing him today for the first time since he went in.
I’m so glad to see your post, hopefully your husband continues to settle in. It will make such a difference to how you feel about him being there.
 

Saddy

Registered User
Jan 27, 2020
33
0
I think it is important not to get into the guilt journey. Things don’t get better however much you visit. Their life is that few minutes.in later stages. It doesn’t get any better. I know someone who spent 7 years visiting almost everyday. The only people she mixed was with other Carers and their topi of conversation. Co-dependency.
 

Hippo

Registered User
Dec 16, 2019
29
0
Everything you’re all feeling resonates so much with me. My husband has been in care nearly 3 months - the care is mostly good but all he still wants is me. I visit most days and have a chat with other residents, most of who still want their partners or daughters to come and take them home. My husband has largely retreated into his room and has his meals in there. No one has time to give him 1to1 time and he seems to be deteriorating rapidly. Against all advice from friends and most family I decided to bring him home with live in care. I’ve had to face up tho to the many potential problems with that arrangement - getting on with a carer living with you, he may be disoriented all over again etc etc. he had a needs assessment for live in care today - he was confused about ‘going home’ and she thought he seemed quite settled! Plan b is to keep him in the home and employ an additional carer to go in most days to give him more 1 to 1 and stimulate him a bit with conversation etc. I feel so guilty and unhappy thinking about him there in the evenings with no one to talk to or give him a cuddle. It’s an impossible situation and all I can do is try different ways of making life a bit more interesting for him. My rational self sees there are too many questions and risks to bringing him home, even with live in support, but my emotional self just wants to give him as much happiness as possible while he can appreciate it.
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
472
0
Cheshire
That’s exactly how I feel. Could I have tried harder. Maybe it will be easier now I’m rested. I then think back to the day before he went to the care home. He wanted to go home, leave our home. He had his coat and shoes on ready to go. I said I don’t feel well we can’t go yet maybe later. He didn’t care about my feelings just that he had to go. I know it was disease talking not him. I know I can’t go back to that. He would want me to have a life. Still doesn’t stop the tears for the person they once were.
❤️