Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[lollyc]

I think it's far more likely that your brother has told your mother that it would too complicated for 3 of you to be involved in her finances, and wouldn't it be a good idea if he did it? It doesn't sound as your mum would disagree, because "men know about money."

It isn't (or doesn't need to be ) complicated. Firstly, your mum doesn't (seemingly) have capacity to understand and weigh up her choices - trying to explain / discuss is a waste of time, and simply adding to your problems. So, actually any agreement needs to be between 2 people - you and your brother. It is ridiculous to be emailing round and round in circles, simply to buy groceries. If you are now moving nearer to your mother, you will be the one "on site" to assess what she needs day to day.

Sorry got posted posted mid sentence!

It makes sense that you have access to at least one account, to make payments as required, and knowledge of where the rest of her money is. As has been said before, if you brother were to die suddenly, you need to know what is going on.

 

[Alora]

Good point, thank you.

 

[MartinWL]

I'm sure someone I know has POA for friends who live abroad. They definitely have capacity, but wanted someone UK based to manage their affairs here. I assume they instruct her and she does what is required, but I'm quite sure the bank don't contact the donor each time. I think there is an assumption , once POA is registered, that attorney will be acting the best interests of the donor, regardless of capacity. But, I may be wrong.

The type of power of attorney that you're talking about here is a different type, I think called an "Ordinary POA" and is nothing to do with loss of mental capacity, but an arrangement made in just those circumstances, when the donor is away and needs to delegate authority to someone to handle their affairs. The rules in the Mental Capacity Act are not relevant to this.

 

[MartinWL]

I think we need to pause this discussion until we know what the LPA actually says, and whether it is joint or joint and several, things will be clearer then.

 

[Alora]

Hello everyone…

i just thought I’d you know that it seems nothing is going to happen In getting help for mum. I so hope I’m wrong.

Mum’s gp was going to visit Mum this Wednesday and the surgery told me that the GP would be with mum from lunchtime onwards. I got to Mum’s at 11:30 am (on the pretext that I needed to see her appointment letter for the hospital visit). I waited two hours but GP but she didn’t arrive. I helped mum clear mouse droppings from her cupboards while I was there. I’m a bit wary of mum as she doesn’t like things being done by her back so I didn’t call the surgery. I had to leave to get back home for work. I’m so disappointed with myself for being a coward.

id also put social care on hold till the GP had been as I didn’t want mum to get suspicious.

I had hoped the GP would call me but I’ve heard nothing, Mum has it on her records that no one can have access Or discuss her business with anyone.

Im really cross with myself but, for some reason I just go to pieces when deceiving mum.

The only good thing is that the LPA is registered, I’ve paid £35 for a copy and it should be sent to me within a week.

I just hope that Mum hadn’t talked to my brother and cancelled the Gp’s vidit.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Alora

 

[Sarasa]

I'm glad the @LPA will be with you soon. If you can face it call the GP's surgery and find out why the visit didn't happen. Try to arrange another one, and don't tell your mum about it.
It might be worth talking to the Support line on 0333 150 3456 about other things you can do to get your mum the help she needs, for instance getting a visit from a social worker.
I know you don't want to deceive your mum, but you are not doing anything underhand, just getting her the help she needs.

 

[Moggymad]

Please contact the surgery to find out why. Did your mum know about it? If so I think there is a very good chance the visit was cancelled.

 

[canary]

BTW, even if the doctors have been instructed not too talk to you, they can still listen.
If you put your concerns in writing to them (letter or email) they may well act on the information and, at the very least, it will go in her records.

 

[Scarlet Lady]

Alora, I’m wondering if perhaps you didnt give the GP sufficient time. I know how infuriating it is to be on someone else’s agenda when you have a thousand and one places to be, but sadly that’s what happens with the NHS at the moment. It’s very common to be given a two hour window for appointments and then visits take place outside of that; or conversely, to get a call from someone saying “I’ll be there in ten minutes” when you are actually at least an hour away from the PWD. As @Moggymad said, you need to speak to the surgery to find out what went wrong. I sincerely hope you didn't tell your mother about the visit, because it is almost a certainty that she would have told your brother. I suspect that may have happened as it seems odd that the surgery haven’t contacted you about the failed appointment.

 

[Moggymad]

If he has cancelled it then that surely is more evidence of his obstructing care for your mum, even if it was on her say so. Also the mouse infestation is a health hazard , another issue S/S should take into account. Perhaps on his next visit you can suggest your brother clears the mouse droppings from the cupboard. If its an 'active' problem then there's bound to be more. Have courage @Alora we are all behind you.

 

[Alora]

Thxnk you for your help. I could cry after all this,….I did email the surgery with everything and that’s what triggered the appointment and I asked to be there. No, I didn’t tell `mum about the appointment.

im not making excuses but I work a teacher in the evenings and I had to leave for the hour’s journey home to prepare
for classes.

The surgery told me they’d received the letter I’d sent to the Hospital so it looks like the doctor/dermatologist had sent the letter to mum’s dr.

I’ve rung the helpline a few times and they do listen but I’ve already spoken to social care - see my previous posts. This has been going on since 2015.

I’ll speak to the surgery tomorrow.

I feel really down.

 

[Alora]

Sorry to sound negative, especially when you’ve all been so kind

perhaps the dr visited and saw mum looking ’chipper’’,and thought she was okay? If only she’d seen Mum when I took her to hospital - perhaps that was an act? Is mum really not that bad and is playing games with me? I even had my doubts when I saw mum on Wednesday - she looked totally different to the woman I took to hospital.

shoukd I just give and let her collapse and end up in a and e like my dad did? I’m really trying to avoid that because neither my mu or brother know how awful it is as I went with my dad in the ambulance.

i‘m doing this for mum because I love and care about her but if she determined (with my brother huge support`)…should I just step back knowing I’ve done everything I can?

 

[MartinWL]

I feel really down.

You have got a reason to be optimistic, you have a copy of the POA on the way. That's important progress and might help to solve these problems!

 

[Scarlet Lady]

Hi, @Alora. Sorry, didn’t mean to sound critical over you having to leave your mum‘s. It’s very hard when we’re juggling things and so very disappointing when services apparently let us down. Have felt very demoralised myself this week when my request for my aunt‘s GP to see her was refused and a nurse practitioner came instead. Very pleasant young woman, but about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. Once again, the medical profession seems all too ready to dismiss any concerns as ‘just a deterioration in the dementia’ , (meaning they can’t/won’t do anything) without giving due consideration to the possibility that other physical things may be going on as well. So once again, the untrained family carer is hung out to dry and left to get on with it.
I do understand your upset and send hugs your way. Stay strong and keep plugging away.

 

[lollyc]

Thxnk you for your help. I could cry after all this,….I did email the surgery with everything and that’s what triggered the appointment and I asked to be there. No, I didn’t tell `mum about the appointment.

im not making excuses but I work a teacher in the evenings and I had to leave for the hour’s journey home to prepare
for classes.

The surgery told me they’d received the letter I’d sent to the Hospital so it looks like the doctor/dermatologist had sent the letter to mum’s dr.

I’ve rung the helpline a few times and they do listen but I’ve already spoken to social care - see my previous posts. This has been going on since 2015.

I’ll speak to the surgery tomorrow.

I feel really down.

You've got the LPA sorted, so well done for that.
Try not see it as "deceiving" your mother - you are simply trying to do the best for her, in very trying circumstances.

Find out what happened with the GP - they have the letter about your concerns, so hopefully won't ignore it. Try and make another appointment, and ask that the surgery contact you, if they need to check anything, or reschedule.

Speak to SS again and request a visit at a time when you will be there. Ditto about NOT contacting mum. I would sincerely hope that anyone worth their salt would agree that an elderly lady should not be living surrounded by mouse droppings.

Stay strong - you CAN do this!

 

[Alora]

Thank you for your support I couldn’t do this without you all.

it’s going to be tough and I’m sure social care and the medical profession are swamped with people like me fretting over their elderly parents.

My parents never had to look after their own and if they had they wouldn’t behave like this.

 

[JanBWiltshire]

Thank you for your support I couldn’t do this without you all.

it’s going to be tough and I’m sure social care and the medical profession are swamped with people like me fretting over their elderly parents.

My parents never had to look after their own and if they had they wouldn’t behave like this.

I can completely understand how you feel. I almost think my parents are being deliberately difficult and certainly don’t seem to want to acknowledge they are struggling. As you say, when they didn’t have to look after elderly parents themselves they have no clue how stressful, infuriating, worrying, irritating and depressing it can be….in equal measure!

 

[lollyc]

While you're waitng for POA to arrive, have you investigated what care options might be available for your mum, or thought about what she might need? (Let's pretend she is going to accept it!)
In our area Age UK offer personal assistants (no personal care) at £20/hr, although services vary from area to area. Our carer comes via an "introduction" agency, who do all the checks etc., and bill us, but we have the same person each time £18/hr. Upside is no uniform, and you get to build a relationship with them. Downside is no replacement if they are ill or on holiday.
Does you mum need someone to help her shower etc.? Prepare a meal? Or does she really just need some companionship and a bit of mouse dropping removal?
No harm in trawling the internet and seeing what the possibilities are.

I mentioned Attendance Allowance before. I know your brother said your mum wouldn't want it - something to do with it appearing on her bank statement? Just to let you know that it would appear as "NI number DWP AA" - Not "THIS PERSON HAS ALZHEIMER'S" in big red letters!

 

[Violet Jane]

I'm afraid that I don't believe your brother's explanation for not applying for AA. I get the strong feeling that he wants to keep your mother under the radar. He is probably concerned that if your mother applied for AA people would start looking into your mother's situation and asking questions. It's my understanding that you can get AA regardless of whether or not you are paying for, or intending to pay for, care. as it's based on need so your mother is losing out.

 

[Female1952]

Hi. I'm so sorry you're in this situation - and that it's been going on so long. I have two suggestions but I hesitate to make them because your head is probably spinning with suggestions which should help in theory but somehow don't work in real life - because the systems are all broken.
Anyway, here they are:
Would your brother agree to both of you meeting with a solicitor? The solicitor would explain the rules around POA.
Secondly, we found an independent social worker who was very helpful. He confirmed my PWD no lacked capacity and later advised when she was no longer safe at home and needed a care home. An independent social worker can be very helpful and provide useful advice. The fee for an independent social worker is paid from the PWD's account (although you might have to pay first and reclaim later) and we know it was worth every penny.