Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[Moggymad]

Well done for getting at least a foot in the door with the GP surgery! You say the doctor wants to come again tomorrow so i assume they have already tried to visit? Or did they just try phoning her & getting call barred? I would have a go at unbarring the GP surgery number. Your mum doesn't need to know that's what you're doing. Your brother barring the number is a welfare concern that the GP needs to take seriously. Also I'm bit unsure what the consent is for that you mention regarding the GP. Is it consent to visit her? I wouldn't have thought they would need that when concerns have been raised. At least they are more aware of the situation now so hopefully things will happen.
Good luck with the hospital tomorrow

 

[Duggies-girl]

When my dad was lying on the floor unable to get up I called an ambulance, he didn't want me to, in fact he told me not to call for one. I ignored him and he was admitted with pneumonia and nearly died. Yes it is a duty of care and I did not need his consent.

Your brothers call barring is a big issue here, he has isolated her.

 

[JanBWiltshire]

I am positive this is all part of the dementia talking. I have now realised I’ve been battling my mother for four years and it is only now I’m seeing it was the diminished mind which made her resistant to everything.

You are doing all the right things and having a social worker is really there only way forward as it gives you some support. I feel for you.

 

[canary]

A very positive update with regard to the dialog with the GP

Im assuming that the call barring is due to a Tru Call or BT call blocker phone. They are often recommended for people with dementia because they stop scam calls - we have a BT call blocker for that very reason. You can program in a list of approved callers who can go straight through and a list of people who are blocked. The default setting is that all the rest have to be accepted by the person who answers. You have to press 1 to accept, 2 to always accept (add them to the approved list) , 3 to send them to the answerphone and 4 to block. The trouble is that most people with dementia cannot remember what to do and just put the phone down. Also, most hospitals and GP surgery withhold their number, so it cant be added to the approved list. It is the major drawback with this system. You can change the settings, but Im betting that brother is just using the default.
If your mum is using this system to only way for you to get round it is to add the GPs number to the contacts list and ask the GPs surgery to not withhold their number.

 

[MartinWL]

If you have tru call it may be possible but the problem I foresee is that the GP surgery used a withheld number. My dad's surgery does. You obviously do want to block withheld numbers to keep scammers out. I try to get the GP surgery to call me on my mobile.

 

[Banjomansmate]

My GP surgery now uses their visible landline number when the receptionist calls (I pointed out once that I don’t answer withheld numbers) but the Dr. uses a mobile phone when he phones. If I am expecting them to call me back I then have to answer when an unknown mobile number comes up. Cold callers and scammers use mobiles now . You cannot win with them!

 

[lollyc]

Hi my friends

Just a little update about my Mum.

Ive managed to create an online dialogue with the reception at mum‘s doctor’s surgery - who are relaying my (long) messages to the GP so I’ve managed to get in writing all the stuff that I’ve written here so there is an electronic trail.

The dr wanted to come again tomorrow between 1 and 2 but ive the hospital visit with mum to handle at 2:10. So next Monday was suggested Instead but there is still the issue of consent. The problem is getting mum‘s consent and so what’s been happening - thanks to the call barring - mum is selecting who she wants to speak to and is ignoring the dr’s calls. So when I’d turned up last week not knowing mum had been blanking the gp’s calls.

Not sure anything can be done about getting Mum;s consent but I guess this has to be balanced with duty of care?

Thank you once for being here.

Alora

Good luck with the hospital - remember - tell your mum nothing!

I wonder if the consent the GP is talking about is whether your mum is happy for you to be with her, whilst they talk to her, and whether they can discuss her with you. At our first apointment when Mum moved surgeries, the GP had a little chat, and casually asked if it was OK for me to be there etc, - nothing pressured - and Mum agreed. It has never come up again, so I assume it was logged on her notes. We do have Health & Welfare, but I've never been asked to produce it at the surgery, although I have when she's had ambulance admissions. I would hope that unless your mum was clearly vehemently opposed to you being there, a GP would use their common sense.

You've probably seen the current "Attendance Allowance" thread on here, but if not, worth a look to see how to tackle the epic form filling required.

 

[Alora]

Hi everyone

thank you for your support and messages.

I didn‘t know the bt system but I’ve left a message for the gp to call my mobile. Thank you for that information.

It all went well at the hospital and thank’s to Canary’s wonderful advice. the Consultant did a test on mum to prove her incapacity - which you all had already diagnosed. He’d obviously read my letter and said ‘you‘ve been having problems with your brother?‘ it’‘s the first time in 6 years that anyone has taken me seriously (other than here!). I felt quite tearful. He took one look at mum and said she lacked capacity. She couldn’t remember her address, where she was and why she was there in the surgery. Funnily enough she knew her date of birth! He asked me whether mum wandered, set gas on fire i said she’d set fire to a microwave! He was not happy with mum’s situation with no care in place and us doing what we can between us - my brother’s decision, not mine. He asked for the nursing staff to do a safe guarding referral from the hospital.

The minor operation went well and mum did really well. I had to sign the consent forms as her ‘stand in’ as there is no Health Welfare lpa. I feel that’s going to be my role now and I’m proud to do it for her. The nurse told me what to do with mum’s wound, she was so kind and walked out with us.

The GP is coming next Monday to mum’s home and the Consultant told me to be there.

I’m still waiting for the lpa and then I can hire a independent social worker - if the dr or the hospital dont do a referral to social care. I’m very happy to pay for a sw but I’d be happier if it came from a professional through safeguarding.

Ill find the thread about AA have a go doing the forms - I understand they are a bit of a challenge but I’ll try.

As you’ve’ all said dementia plays tricks and it’s in the past but it was me that organised the hospital visits and did all the grunt work. I kept asking for the letter for the appointment but mum didn’t have it. I had to call the hospital. This Wednesday lo and behold I get a call from my brother (first time in years) he was at mum’s and he was asking me if I was taking mum to hospital that day? He knew the date, time and had the letter!. Mum had £60 cash in her purse - first time in 3 years that I’ve seen that and I was so pleased see it. Her bungalow was spotless when I arrived with my brother there.

I’m still not convinced of my brother’s motives but he’s seen a change in me and I think he know’s I’m onto him.

One brick of the wall that has been build around mum has been taken down and I’m not frightened anymore.

Once I get the lpa and seen the dr I’ll be back for more advice.


Thxnk you once again.

Alora

 

[Sarasa]

@Alora, I'm so glad that things went to so well, and that your brother is now aware that you are taking your own steps to get help for your mother.
I hope safe guarding follow up on the referal from the hospital and more things start to be put in place to get your mother the support she needs.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

This is great news. I'm so glad the consultant took you seriously, listened and acted sensibly in declaring your mum to have lost capacity. Ha! Let's see you brother say, 'But mum wouldn't want that,' now!

On that score how strange that suddenly he's on the scene and your mum's house is now clean. I bet he plans to challenge the safeguarding... but he has no chance
I agree it sounds like he knows you're onto him and he won't be able to continue his ridiculous bullying.

Well done you!

 

[TNJJ]

I have been following this thread! It’s good to see some progress! Well done?

 

[canary]

You have done so amazingly well - look how far you have come in being able to care for your mum and challenge your brothers position.

As the safeguarding has come from the consultant this will be taken seriously by SS and I strongly suspect that he will have included in this referral that she no longer has capacity to decide on her care. This should mean that SS will be willing to over-ride her desires. Fingers crossed.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Well done @Alora you have really taken over and this is the best thing for your mum. Funny enough dad could recite his national insurance no and his mobile no to anyone but he didn't really know his address, he would give his old address of 25 years ago and he hadn't a clue what decade it was let alone the year.

I am also a bit suspicious of your brothers motives, especially the spotless house, is he trying to thwart your good work and make it look like your mum is coping well. It is strange that he should have the appointment letter and not you but that just shows that he has had control of more than you knew about. Keep an eye on him and make sure that you have all dealings with medical staff and the future social worker. At least there is a safe guarding referral now and they will have to carry that through.

I am so pleased that you are no longer frightened of your brother, I just hope that you don't get anymore surprises from him. With luck he may just back off now and the bullying will stop.

 

[canary]

I am also a bit suspicious of your brothers motives, especially the spotless house, is he trying to thwart your good work and make it look like your mum is coping well. It is strange that he should have the appointment letter and not you but that just shows that he has had control of more than you knew about. Keep an eye on him and make sure that you have all dealings with medical staff and the future social worker.

Yes, I wondered about this too.

 

[lollyc]

Well done @Alora , you've done brilliantly!

Hopefully, now you have the medics on side, things will start to move forward, and it's seems that they have taken on board that you should be the point of contact. Fingers crossed.

I too am suspicious of your brother's motives - but at least it has resulted in mum having money in her purse, and a clean home.

 

[Violet Jane]

I am very suspicious of your brother's motives. It's a pity that you did not take any photographs of the house when it was dirty. He will point to your mother's house as evidence that she is coping. What did your mother look like when you took her to the hospital? I would take some photographs of the house anyway showing how old everything is. Take photographs of her worn out clothes as well. The point is: your mother is not poor and does not have to go around in tatty clothes or live with furniture etc which should be replaced. On the face of it, your brother just doesn't want to spend any of your mother's money on HER.

There is still the issue of the lack of a care package, which is going to be hard for your brother to argue about. Neither of you live locally; your mother has no neighbours to pop in to check on her and she does not wear a pendant alarm although her mobility is quite poor and she is at risk of falling. If your brother starts saying that he visits every day / stays overnight you need to challenge this very firmly and say that he only visits every two months (or whatever).

 

[Alora]

I know it sounds pathetic coming from a grown woman but I’m relishing my victory over my brother - however long it lasts.

It sounds a bit dramatic but some battles lines have been drawn I feel. I’ve never seen mum’s home look so good except when I’ve threatened to take over the finances, install some home help or talked about getting mum to see her GP. He lives two hour’s drive away, only stays 2 hours and says ‘it’s all I can do in the short time I’m here ?. It’s surface though - the living room and kitchen are tidy but mum’s bed has not been changed for months, the main bathroom is scruffy. So if anyone came in the initial impression is great but mum does look very neglected. Her coat was filthy and smelt. He can’t hide her Shabby clothes.

The msin problem is mum’s vulnerability, the risk factor of her falling, the mental element of social isolation, mice droppings, her poor eyesight and hearing, the fact that she could go for days/weeks without seeing a soul as well as being totally dependent on her family who live miles away.

I’d over estimated my brother’s feelings towards my mum and he’‘s underestimated me. It doesn’t help that my thinks the sun shines out of my brother’s xxxxx and only see’s someone who’s fair and ‘will do the right thing’.

I just hope the dr and sw see the real situation.

 

[Alora]

im going too see Mum Saturday to help with her dressings and I’ll take some photos then. Luckily mum was at worse when she went Wednesday - filthy coat (20 years old and too big for her). Long white hair in need of a cut, brown trousers with stains on, painfully thin (5 stone?) . She arrived pushing her wheel chair and left sitting in it. None of the 30 shoes she has don’t fit her as her feet swell. I admire her determination to stay independent though.

Mum forgets to eat now and wolfs down all the buns and cakes I bring her. I suspect she’s forgotten how to prepare a meal. There‘s loads of food in the cupboards though.

 

[canary]

I just hope the dr and sw see the real situation.

Make sure you tell them. Is mum still able to make some tea? If so, get her to make some for her visitors, if not make it yourself and ask the SW/GP to give you a hand. Then when you are alone with them tell them briefly that its not usually like that, brother has done a massive clean up, and as time allows tell them about the mouse droppings etc. You wont have long so quietly tell them the salient points.

 

[Moggymad]

A big thumbs up from me too @Alora ?well done!
I am also wondering how your brother had the letter from the hospital. Has he been visiting more often recently? Could your mum have been keeping it hidden to show him? If your mum is not receiving any mail I would strongly suspect it is being redirected & if so then he may well have got to know of your efforts to help your mum, if for example a follow up letter from any of the services you've contacted had been sent. I don't know if there is a way you can find out about that other than asking him, perhaps someone else on here will know.
It does all appear very convenient that he has cleaned up her house.....mouse droppings too?!
I don't think at the moment you need to involve an independent social worker now that a safeguarding referral is in progress but wait & see.
Why is your copy of LPA taking so long to get to you....check this out just in case it's gone elsewhere. You have moved since the LPA was done. Could it have gone to your mum's address or possibly redirected? Just a thought....