Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[Alora]

Hi thank you lolly I’ll do some research this weekend - it’s something positive to do.

ill look into applying for AA I’m strong enough to do it now when I tried before I would consult my brother on everything to do with mum as I thought we were a partnership. I have do things on my own now.

ill be honest I grew up in an abusive environment, dominated by my father with a subservient mother, when he died a gap was left which my mum filled with my brother. I’m a nervous wreck around my family - I’m only doing this because my mum helped me in some really bad times. Although she thinks she’s okay, she’s not. I want to avoid her falling and being carted off to a and e.

My brother is not abusive but he has become more dominant like my father because it’s the only way he knows. If he’d had children he would grown compassion and empathy. He is determined to have my mum involved in everything and her word is law. I believe he knows mum’s failing mentally but he’s in charge of a large amount of a large amount of money that is put aside for her care.

I have tried many times to get my brother to part with mum‘s money for her benefit but he either prevaricates or say’s ’have you spoke to Mum?‘. It’s complicated and I don’t like confrontation.

As I’ve said before I can’t buy or spend money on mum;s behalf without getting it past my brother and when I speak to mum she forgets.

Female 1952 hi and thank you for advice. I think my brother knows very well about lpa’s its me that has had to learn. My brother ran mum’s finances and arranged the lpa in 2016 with a solicitor. I stood back from getting involved as I thought all was okay.

There’s been times when I’ve tried to get help for mum and, as we are both lpas I’ve tried to get my brother to agree to homehelp or cleaner, but he’s either arranged a family meeting and has done all the talking, drive to see mum within 24 hours of me asking him, batted away social worker who tried to help and the mantra had been ‘it’s not what mum wants’.

I will look for an independent social worker - that’s a great idea, thank you.

Mum needs someone to prepare her meals, do her washing, change her bed, dust, hoover and keep her safe. She lives in a remote area with one neighbour - if she fell no one would find her for weeks. At the moment my brother and me share the housework - my brother told me that ‘mum doesnt want help and only wants her family to visit’ when I suggested a cleaner. If I spoke to mum she would get very offended, say she’s okay.

Mum has 2 mugs in her kitchen, a teatowel that is 30 year old, wears very shabby, threadbare clothes but she says she’s happy.

i know it sounds harsh but she should be in care.

 

[Dunroamin]

I

Need: A condition or situation in which something must be supplied in order for a certain condition to be maintained or a desired state to be achieved.

Want: To have a strong feeling to have (something); wish (to possess or do something); desire greatly: synonym: desire.

A great deal of difference. The fact your brother is telling professionals " its not what mother would like" is missing the point. There is a moral and ethical component to all of this and someone,,as advocate has to address your mothers needs. You are trying to fulfil that role and I hope you succeed.

I have Alzheimer's and am only too aware of the difference. There are things I need with which I do not always concur. However, I also have a bucket list of things I want to do whilst I still can. Hope this makes sense I am beginning to ramble ?

 

[lollyc]

As I’ve said before I can’t buy or spend money on mum;s behalf without getting it past my brother and when I speak to mum she forgets.

Your brother has no more, or less, right than you to spend your mother's money (for her benefit) - unless that is specifically worded in her LPA. I would hope that a solicitor would advise against that wording.
Once you get your copy, you will know whether you are jointly, or jointly and severally attornies, or perhaps a mix of both depending on the situation. I confess I don't know how jointly works in terms of paying for stuff. Back in the day I would imagine it would've required a counter-signed cheque, but how it works in a digital age, I'm not sure.
We don't know your mum, but from your description, her reluctance about the wheelchair, whilst clearly needing it, etc., are all indicators that she does not have capacity to make rational decisions about her finances any more, and attornies need to step in. Where finance becomes health is a grey area, and it would appear that your brother is taking this in a very literal sense and insisting that your mother doesn't want things to make her life more comfortable, and that's her choice. Without Health and Welfare POA that is probably correct, but I hope most people in this situation would use their judgement, and agree that new clothes, mugs, tea towels, a hoover were acceptable. As @Dunroamin points out, want and need are two very different things.

Yes, she should be in a care home, and it may be that a crisis - probably a fall - will be the only way that this is achieved. Bit it would be so much better to avoid that, if you can. The suggestion of an independent social worker seems a good one - maybe your brother would listen to a professional. and maybe not....

 

[Alora]

Thank you Dunroamin for your support.

im doing my best,

 

[Violet Jane]

I suspect that your brother is concerned that if 'the authorities' become involved they will insist that your mother move into a home but what he doesn't seem to realise is that by depriving your mother of ANY care she is actually more likely to have a crisis whereupon SS will insist that she go to a home. Your mother should be having a minimum of 2 care visits a day as neither you nor your brother live close enough to check up on her regularly. If she lay on the floor for even a few hours that could kill her. Leaving her without any support is neglect and I simply cannot understand SS' casual attitude. If something happened to your mother I think that there would be an enquiry

 

[MartinWL]

.Where finance becomes health is a grey area, and it would appear that your brother is taking this in a very literal sense and insisting that your mother doesn't want things to make her life more comfortable, and that's her choice. Without Health and Welfare POA that is probably correct, but I hope most people in this situation would use their judgement, and agree that new clothes, mugs, tea towels, a hoover were acceptable.

It is a grey area indeed but I am sure that decisions to replace clothes or household items, repairs etc are for the property and finance attorney. Decisions about care are the grey area as they often involve both the welfare of the person and spending their money. It is best for anyone making a LPA to make both and choose the same attorney so that conflict does not arise in the future.

 

[Alora]

The surgery is closed but I’ve emailed asking for another appointment. I’ve stood ss down until GP’s been but do you all think I should insist Ss visit in view of the mouse droppings (which she was trying clear up a with long handled broom!) and all the other concerns or wait for gp?

I think mum may not want to go to hospital for her surgery next week. I asked if she’d received a letter and she said no and there was no letter around. I only know the date because I rang and asked. They’ve told mum that the sore on her face is pre cancerous and she agreed to have it removed. So I may have another battle on my hands.

i have written with my concerns many times (5 times) to social care and EVERY time they just call mum, call my brother and then call me to say she’s said she’s okay.

i just cannot understand how a 96 year old person with glaucoma, poor hearing, who can barely walk 10 feet, shuffles and failing memory, living in a remote area (the nearest shop is 3 miles away), no family nearby can be left like this.

I guess it’s proving mum’s lack capacity and getting someone over the doorstep to do it.

I know all will become clear with the LPA but I still have to get mum to Co-operate.

 

[Sarasa]

I hope you get your mum to the hospital. Don't mention it, just say you are going out and then get her there. Be prepared for her to keep changing her mind about having the procedure done, but just stay calm and she should come round.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I agree don't tell her. Just take her there and hand her over to the doctors. My dad never wanted to go to see anyone but once he was in the consulting room he would be the perfect patient, he would speak to the doctors and agree with whatever they told him and I suspect your mum will be the same.

The standard answer for a PWD when asked a question or given a choice is almost always 'no' because it is easiest. Whenever your brother says 'would you like so and so' she will say no. It also depends on how your brother presents the question to her. Does he say 'would you like me to buy you a new jumper and slippers, I have seen some really lovely one's and they won't cost you anything, I think they would suit you very much and really keep you warm this winter' or is he more likely to say 'do you think you need anew jumper mum or is the one that you are wearing still okay' The wording of the question makes a big difference.

Really he should not even be asking, he should just go out and buy them for her. Does he walk around in dirty ragged clothes, I doubt it.

 

[lollyc]

It is a grey area indeed but I am sure that decisions to replace clothes or household items, repairs etc are for the property and finance attorney. Decisions about care are the grey area as they often involve both the welfare of the person and spending their money. It is best for anyone making a LPA to make both and choose the same attorney so that conflict does not arise in the future.

I would have thought so too, but wording on OPG site:

" Health and welfare attorneys​

As a health and welfare attorney, you make (or help the donor make) decisions about things like:

• daily routine, for example washing, dressing and eating
• medical care
• where the donor lives

You might need to spend the donor’s money on things that maintain or improve their quality of life. This can include:

• new clothes or hairdressing
• decorating their home or room in a care home
• paying for extra support so the donor can go out more, for example to visit friends or relatives or to go on holiday

You must ask for money from the person in charge of the donor’s funds."

suggests that these decisions are Health and Welfare, but require Finance to action.
If you don't have Health and Welfare, can you make these decisions against the wishes of the donor? Of course, the sensible answer would be "yes", but an awkward relative might well argue differently.

 

[Scarlet Lady]

Hi, @Alora. Does your brother know that your mum has an appointment for an important surgery next week? I understand that your mum may well not want to attend, but surely he would not be so neglectful as to encourage her to ignore this ?

 

[Alora]

Thank you all.

You have all done your best to help me and I’m very grateful.

`Who knows I may hear from the doctor!

Ill post here when I get the lpa.

 

[Alora]

Scarlet Lady - he knew about the first appointment and was relieved when I told him that I was doing it. He has not contacted me to find out the results So, unless my mum has told him he doesn’t know.

i suppose I’m still cross over the penny pinching over psy(no for a wheelchair!

 

[Alora]

Knowing my brother as I do if I spoke to him for his support to get mum to go for trestment I’m sure he would say ‘well it’s up to mum’.

ive given up speaking to my brother about things to do with mum because it always ends up with ‘it’s not want mum wants’ or ‘we’ve been over this many times and it’s not what mum wants’.

It’s a blanket answer and very easy to say when you live 100 miles away and visit every w months to clear mum out like hamster.

 

[canary]

Knowing my brother as I do if I spoke to him for his support to get mum to go for trestment I’m sure he would say ‘well it’s up to mum’.

ive given up speaking to my brother about things to do with mum because it always ends up with ‘it’s not want mum wants’ or ‘we’ve been over this many times and it’s not what mum wants’.

It’s a blanket answer and very easy to say when you live 100 miles away and visit every w months to clear mum out like hamster.

I think you are absolutely right.
Dont tell either your mum, or your brother. Just take her to the appointment

 

[Alora]

Thank you Canary and everyone.

 

[Alora]

Hi my friends

Just a little update about my Mum.

Ive managed to create an online dialogue with the reception at mum‘s doctor’s surgery - who are relaying my (long) messages to the GP so I’ve managed to get in writing all the stuff that I’ve written here so there is an electronic trail.

The dr wanted to come again tomorrow between 1 and 2 but ive the hospital visit with mum to handle at 2:10. So next Monday was suggested Instead but there is still the issue of consent. The problem is getting mum‘s consent and so what’s been happening - thanks to the call barring - mum is selecting who she wants to speak to and is ignoring the dr’s calls. So when I’d turned up last week not knowing mum had been blanking the gp’s calls.

Not sure anything can be done about getting Mum;s consent but I guess this has to be balanced with duty of care?

Thank you once for being here.

Alora

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Your brother is really annoying me so I can't imagine how incredibly frustrating it is for you!

I'm wondering if an independent social worker could help and support you? The sticking point seems to be whether or not your mum has capacity and an independent SW could establish that for you, and it would be official. Clearly, she doesn't have capacity regarding her own care needs as she thinks she doesn't need carers, won't see the doctor and refuses medical treatment.

Your brother can't keep hiding behind his excuses of, 'mum wouldn't want that,' because he's supposed to act in her best interests, which may well mean going against her expressed wishes. If it can be established she no longer has capacity to make care decisions, you can dive in and make arrangements. If mum decided she wanted to sleep in the park from now on, would he go along with that? I'm sure if she decided she wanted to give her money to the local cats home he'd soon decide she didn't have capacity. He can't have it both ways.

I have no idea why your brother can't/won't do this, because if he really cared about your mum, he would do, in order to keep her safe. (As I've said previously, I suspect it's to do with money.) He seems to use the excuse to suit his own agenda, whatever that may be.

Once your PoA arrives, things should get easier. If it's 'jointly and severally' you can act without asking him and if it's just 'jointly' he should not have been making any financial decisions without your agreement! You could use your mum's money to employ an indy SW.

 

[Alora]

Hi Jaded

thank you for that and yes, my brother drives me crazy.

Yes waiting for poa and running with the dr to see where it goes. The more i can on my side the better.

currently applying for attendance allowance and I don’t give a ‘f..k if it turns up on the bank statements.

will organise independent sw asap.

thznks again ?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Hi Jaded

thank you for that and yes, my brother drives me crazy.

Yes waiting for poa and running with the dr to see where it goes. The more i can on my side the better.

currently applying for attendance allowance and I don’t give a ‘f..k if it turns up on the bank statements.

will organise independent sw asap.

thznks again ?

Well said

Your mum is very lucky to have you looking out for her, even if she doesn't appreciate it!