Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[Alora]

Yes she does Violet but she does‘t drive, relies on buses and doesn’t visit mum often because she is working long hours. My daughter was worried about the hospital appointment and wanted call in to see if she was okay. i was going to do it as I’d driven from my home to that town to deliver the wheelchair back. My daughter had rung me to say she‘d called in and couldn’t get into the bungalow as mum had fallen against door and the key was in the lock.

Mum does live in a remote area with One neighbour next door.

I cannot and will not rely on my children to help me with Mum. I don’t think it’s fair on them.

 

[Alora]

But thsnk you for your advice Violet that’s really helped put things into perspective. ?

 

[Duggies-girl]

Do you know if our mum has managed to get up @Alora if she can't get up with with help from your you or your daughter you may need to ring for an ambulance which could lead to your mum being admitted to A&E which is not a pleasant experience for anyone but it may lead to an assessment. If the bruising is bad then she should be assessed by someone with medical knowledge anyway, paramedic maybe.

I agree with you in that I never wanted my child to help me with my dad even if he is all grown up but I did accept help from him a couple of times.

 

[Violet Jane]

I have to say that your mother’s fall is very worrying. What would have happened if your daughter had not visited her?

Professional carers are advised not to lift their clients after falls but to call an ambulance. This is to protect both the carer from injury and the client from further damage if s/he has broken something. Family members may take a different approach.

Whilst it could be an unpleasant experience for your mother to be taken to A&E she would almost certainly be assessed by a social worker at the hospital because she is obviously frail and has some cognitive problems and, most importantly, she lives alone. I would be astonished if she were allowed home without some sort of care package being put in place, initially almost certainly being paid for by the NHS under a reablement scheme. So, whilst you wouldn’t welcome a visit to A&E for your mother, it would speed up an assessment of her needs.

 

[Alora]

I don’t know Violet what would happen but it’s been on my mind for some time. Mum has had random bruises - a massive one on her foot where she said someone had trodden on her., bruises on her arms which she’s dismissed.

My daughter had called round on her day off. Apparently mum had fallen against the front door whilst trying to open it and because the door was locked with the key in it, my daughter had panicked and called me because mum was on the floor. She’d managed to reach up and unlock the door and my daughter got in. Mum couldnt get up by herself and my daughter had to do it. My daughter was shocked and now worries what would have happened if no -one was there.

This is why I want care for her because she spends so much time on her own , fiercly independent but has no idea how dangerous her lifestyle choices are. I don’t care the money thing it’s a means to and end to make sure mum safe, we’ll fed and cared for. Right now that;s not happening.

As Violet says it could be a couple of visits by carers initially - if mum accepts them - but it does not solve her vulnerable situation.

That’s why I would like to spend the money on care in a specialist home. its not what mum wants though. It does seem a bit cruel too.

 

[Pots and Pans]

Wants and needs not always the same especially with dementia
Btw re money and banks is there a pension paid direct to bank? Might need this info for AA but perhaps DWP could give bank name to you as you have POA?

 

[Alora]

Hi Pots great advice thank you very much.

 

[Alora]

Hello again

Ive had no response from my brother asking about Mum’s finances and now I’m really concerned.

ive done some research and it seems I can either call the Police, inform the OPG or tell Mum’s Solicitor who arranged the LPA or all three.

Or do I call my brother and threaten the OPG first?

It could be he’s away on Holliday/waiting until Monday to either confirm the diagnosis/taking legal advice - who knows? His silence is a new one and it speaks volumes.

I’ve never been to his home but I know it’s worth over £800,000 and he did ask to borrow £250,000 from mum in 2018 which I blocked. This is only conjecture but he could have taken a calculated risk that I‘d not blow the whistle.

I’ve got a creepy feeling.

What do you suggest I do?

Alora

 

[canary]

You need proof of misuse of funds before you go to OPG, so think of that as the nuclear option. I think the police are likely to dismiss it if you have no more than just a bad feeling too.
Id be inclined to try the solicitor first, but others may have more experience.

 

[Alora]

Thank you Canary

 

[MartinWL]

Thank you Canary

I rarely disagree with @canary but I think there are grounds for asking the OPG to investigate. Refusal to disclose information to the other attorney is a serious matter and very good reason to suspect the possibility of wrongdoing. Do not go to the police, there isn't any evidence that a crime has been committed, at least not yet. This is an OPG matter. Of course do make sure your brother's silence isn't because he is on holiday or ill or some innocent reason. I would tell him that you intend going to the OPG if he doesn't cooperate and give him a chance to change his ways. Use recorded delivery post as emails can go astray. I don't think you need a solicitor at this point but if you want one it should be a different firm that is only working for you and not your brother as well.

 

[Alora]

Thank you Martin - I’ll send a letter tomorrow By r/d

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Alora, I think at the moment the important thing is making sure your mum gets the help she needs. Yes it would be good to find out exactly what is happening with her finances and if your brother has done anything dodgy but the first thing is to get help in place for her. I guess social services will be interested in the finances too, and they could be good support if needed in sorting all this out. Also don't forget the Support Line for advice.

 

[Alora]

The GP and coming tomorrow to see Mum between 1 and 2 pm and I intend to be there. It’ll be an opportunity to show the dr my poa.

should I leave writing to my brother?

Not sure what to do.

 

[lollyc]

The GP and coming tomorrow to see Mum between 1 and 2 pm and I intend to be there. It’ll be an opportunity to show the dr my poa.

should I leave writing to my brother?

Not sure what to do.

@Alora , am I right in thinking you only have POA for Finances, not Health and Welfare? In which case it doesn't apply to the GP visit. I would be inclined to say nothing about it, in case they ask your mum if she wants you there, and she says no!
Personally, with regard to the bank details, I would do as @MartinWL says, and contact OPG. They will tell you how to proceed, what evidence, if any is required etc. You will them be able to challenge your brother, with the threat of OPG investigation, knowing exaxtly what you need to do. Once you have the information, call your brother and explain that if he does not reply and give you the details of mum's finances, you will take the matter to OPG. If you have to leave a message, tell him you will put this in writing too.

From my limited contact with SS, if they deem care necessary, they will request comprehensive financial details. You can refuse, but the assumption is then that you are self-funding, so you or your brother would have to arrange payment.

Are there really no stray statements or building society books at your mum's , that might indicate where her funds are?

 

[Starting on a journey]

I can’t remember when you asked your brother for details but most people would say allow a week for reply before taking it further.
I would just get the doctor bit done first and then contact the OPG for advice on the way forward. It may be that he has been totally above board just investing your mums money. It may also be a financial fraud case which would be a police matter.
Good luck with the doctor tomorrow and then try OPG for advice! Unless he is totally above board it won’t be solved quickly!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Get your proof first (if there is any.)

My advice would be to go to the LPA solicitor, explain the situation and get them to write to your brother insisting he shares full financial details of all your mum's accounts. He can refuse to reply to you but if he won't comply with a solicitor's letter it will tell you a lot. (Could be he's just really pi**ed off that things are going to change and is being passive aggressive and unco-operative.)

Next steps will depend on what you find if/when he shares that info.

 

[Alora]

Hi thanks again everyone for your help.

i feel so torn between helping mum when she doesn’t want it. It’s like when you have to make your child do something they don’t want but you know you’ve got to do it!

The business with mum’s accounts is added pressure but I’m grateful for the help I’m getting here though and It’s a relief to know that ss get involved if need be.

I’ll deal with the dr first if Mum is okay with me being there although I was with her at the Hospital the whole time and the Consultant told me to be there tomorrow, I never know how Mum is going to be.

There‘s a poa for property but no health i won’t bring it.

I’ll contact the OPG for advice next and I just hope I won’t need it. It’s a horrible feeling. I like to think that my brother is waiting to confirm the diagnosis and may want to speak to mum about me now being more involved in her financial business.

There are no bank statements, cheque books, letters around the place and I have to be very careful as mum doesn’t like me snooping too much but I will have a search tomorrow. I noticed she‘s got and old debit card from 2017 in her purse which was either Nationwide or Halifax. If I can find her handbsg (which she tends to hide it in strange places!) I‘ll see if I can take a photo. I havn‘t seen anything at Mum‘s for months and I think - call me paranoid - she hides stuff from me.

Mum is a very private person and likes to keep her business to herself but I think my brother has mum‘s ear and trust. I have to be very, very careful what I do in Mum’s home it’s not easy to rifle though her stuff without her permission.

The arrangement that we have as a family has chugged on like this since mum was widowed. Mum and my brother working in partnership doing important stuff together but I’m not included so - me making waves about outside help for mum or wanting more involvement is not welcome.

 

[Moggymad]

I agree with @Starting on a journey.
He may be sorting out the spreadsheets as we speak! On the other hand if a fraud has taken place I for one wouldn't want him to get wind of possible investigation beforehand in case of a cover up.
I'm assuming, unless I've missed it, that you still do not know where your mum's account(s) are? The DWP would know where her pension is paid into. That would be where the AA would go when it is approved. Not sure how forthcoming they would be regards information but OPG might have more clout.

 

[Alora]

Good advice Jaded but would there be a conflict of interest if the solicitor acting for mum has to act for a poa? Just thinking?

When I rang the LPA solicitor for a copy of poa - which I never got - he insisted on speaking to mum first to get her permission - which he couldn’t get because of the damn call blocking on mum’s phone. I felt a bit uncomfortable and closed him down quickly - saying I’d get my own copy.