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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
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I do think you ought to think about leaving earlier when the sundowning starts. You won't get your mum out of the loop, only just get her more tightly enmeshed in it.
As for the operation. I agree with your husband. My mum has had a couple of procedures, cataract op and a small hernia repair in the last few years. Both took quite a bit of input from brother and I and at the time mum was not so far down the road with dementia than your mum is. For instance with the cataract operations he could remember about eye-drops, would your mum be able to do that, otherwise you might be staying with her for a month doing them?
Hope today is a good one.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @DianeW @canary @Sarasa xxx I did say to sis and hubby if mum has op she won’t be able to do drops and posturing without supervision and I don’t want to stay with her so she will need somewhere to stay to recuperate and recover. Don’t know if that is an option, or who to ask about it, maybe could use respite.
She had both cataracts done the other year (pre diagnosis but I knew something wrong then) she didn’t do too well with drops. First eye she used a table I did with days and times on and ticked it when done so we knew had done it and she managed with bit of help from me for first few days and odd call to remind her on days I didn't visit, but by second eye she wasn’t remembering to look at table and didn’t want to use it anyway. So I had to be there or call when drops were due. On odd times even when I called and told her she wouldn’t do them while I was on phone and when I rang back few mins after to check she had done them she’d often not done it or couldn’t remember if she had or not. She is worse at remembering and following instructions now so don’t think would manage well at all.
it does seem like a bit of a daft idea to think if can have op she could cope with aftercare but she said yes to referall at time and hospital go with what mum says. I feel like if I did say no I could be taking away chance to repair sight and if other eye goes I’d feel guilty if lost sight.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
590
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I think if I were In your position I would go to the hospital and see what they say....explaining that she can’t do after care and neither can you take responsibility for it....then see what happens! Good luck and hopefully it will be a little cooler when you do go.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,904
0
Bedford
Dont feel guilty about talking about your mum to your SIL. She is family and family need to know what happening.


OH qualifies for hospital transport when we go for his hospital appointments. It might be worth asking your mums GP if she qualifies for it too.
I agree with @canary do not feel guilty talking to SIL about your Mum. I was once told in circumstances like this it is not moaning - it is venting - because if you don’t vent sometimes, you will explode like a volcano

do go to the hospital appointment and at least find out. As I think I mentioned OH had to be face down for 7 days but there maybe other options if you explain the situation and there is the possibility of using respite too
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Starting on a journey @Bikerbeth @DianeW xx
We will go on Monday for images, all being well if can get mum out of door and into hospital and then see what consultant says week after. Hubby suggested if consultant says mum can have op to ask for time to consider rather than agree on day so we can see what we can do about recovery period and see how often mum changes mind and if she's likely to have op if agrees. I really don't think if op is only option she will cope with recovery even in respite or with nursing care, she'd probably let them do drops but would very likely resist posturing laying face down part and get up rather than posture for long. She'd forget why doing it after few minutes. But I sort of feel have to see what they say at least. Hubby and I are dreading it though as will no doubt be stressful and its half four right in sundowning time. They only offered afternoon appointments though so would be same whatever day.
Gps surgery rang today to ask mum to go in for blood pressure check which we arranged for friday morning. So another trip out in public with our masks, but least thats not far and know it. I don't really like going out and being in contact with people if can avoid it. When GPs rang mum answered as I was making dinner in kitchen. I could hear mum talking so went into room and could hear a bit of what other person was saying as mum had it on speaker phone. She said she was receptionist from ---- surgery, your doctors, Mum had no idea what receptionist was saying bless her, mum asked her twice before she gave me phone. I said I'm her daughter can you speak to me and she said yes, who she was and why ringing. When she was telling me what to do at surgery she said she'll need to wear a mask or face covering and so will you if you come with her if she needs help and I said I would be coming with her and she said thats fine. I didn't have to explain why or anything. Mum asked what it was about when I put phone back so I just said You've just to pop into doctors for blood a pressure check. Mum asked when and I said friday. mum said I don't know where it is so I said I know and I'll take you and mum just said Ok. She didn't really react much so unless she asks again I won't mention it till friday morning now.
Chemist text on thursday to say mums prescription for her new dose of sertraline was ready so we have that now which is a relief. I've been using tablets had extra from last increase to give her new dose since monday but today was last 2 x 100mg I had, so I'm glad it's come ready for tomorrow. I couldn't get hold of MC worker yesterday again and as chemist had text to say they had prescription I didn't bother talking to anyone else cos I thought I'd wait to speak to normal person who dealt with mum. She'll ring to see how mum is on new dose like she did for last increase so I can talk to her then. Mum has seemed happier last couple of days and has said she's slept bit better although she said she's still going to bed late but she said thats cos of heat.
Mum had a good day yesterday although she did lose her shed keys late afternoon and carer rang me to see if I knew where might put them and what looked like, I don't think mums description of them was very good. I suggested few places but she'd looked there, she said she'd keep trying but it sounded like she was running out of places to look. She'd been cleaning bathroom with mum and mum had popped out to shed for mop and bucket without carer knowing and after they'd finished bathroom mum wanted put mop back and couldn't find keys. Its something mum does often. Carer apologised, though it wasn't her fault, she said she hadn't noticed mum go out or she would have watched her and what she did but she hadn't known mum was going out. I said I'd go over after my dinner which I was just making and look, if mum was nattering about it to tell mum I would come over soon and help find them. Carer said mum was ok she didn't seem too worried but I said I'd still pop over cos mum might decide to look for them later. Carer said she'd ring me and let me know if found them before she left and about 1/4 hour later she rang to say they had, which was a relief so I didn't go over.
I was helping hubby in garden before and after dinner and we were just getting ready to pack up and go inside when mum rang at 20 past 8. She said she'd done somert daft and then set off on some story about how she'd gone to this house this morning and put some washing out and never thought anything of it and then she'd come in this afternoon and W (my dad) had been there but he left when she came in, she didn't know where he went but she stayed there and she dint know where she was but she'd just realised this was her other house. She said She'd just come and let herself in earlier but it wasn't where she lived with W so she was wondering why was she here. Then she'd said I've just been looking at fireplace and thought thats mine and those vases are mine so I realised this is my other house, I don't know what W was doing here cos its not where we live together but he must have known about this house.
She thought it was funny she'd thought she was in wrong house and said aren't I daft I'd forgot it was my house this. We were on phone a good 10 minutes while she asked where house was she lived with dad was and how long she had been here and things like that. She was surprised I had been over earlier and had also forgot carer had been when that came out in conversation and that she hadn't lived with my dad for years. She asked why she thought she had and so I told her the usual about when her brain gets tired sometimes she gets mixed up and not to worry it would come back to her in morning and she seemed happy with that and after she told me our Andrea had put her a mesh screen on door today, (forgetting thats who she was talking to) she catted about weather and garden then she asked if would see me tomorrow and then we said night etc. .
Mum also had a good day today, she was polishing living room when I arrived which is rare nowadays. She said she went to bed late again but did get some sleep and seemed much calmer and happier even when she was confused which she still is, especially about about where she lives, who with, who I am and if people are dead etc,
She rang tonight about 20 to 10 asking if I'd been tying to ring her cos that thing with the lights on next to phone had gone off. (lifeline box) It said you'd been trying get hold of me, she rung me and said your daughter has been getting in touch. It was quite confusing to follow but from what I can gather mum had set door sensor off and lifeline box spoke to her to ask if ok and I think mum must have asked her something about who they were or why they were asking and I think they must have mentioned me, either asked if she wanted them to contact me or said I'd arranged them to check on her or suggested she ring me to ask about it. Mum had apparently decided to go out to water her plants, she'd suddenly remembered she'd not watered them today and it was still light so went to do it, they're mainly old ones from last year that have hung on, or weeds, that she waters occassionally. It had thrown it down a few times today with thunder storms so didn't need to them anyway but mum had forgot that.
She was confused but not too unsettled and I told her it was the box in room that is for the panic button in case she falls (that she doesn't wear), it came with door sensors for when they're opened at night and it just checks its her and asks her if ok in case needs help. They'd have probably said I arranged it and did she want them to ring me if needed help. mum said I told them you weren't here and I hadn't seen you. I thought I'd just ring you and see if you'd been ringing cos I didn't really get what she said. I said again It's just cos you opened door late at night they just want check you ok and would have asked if you wanted them ring me and so mum said Oh ok.
She went off of on a bit of a ramble about only being here three week and my dad putting box in for her so didn't have to pay phone bill but she didn't know where he was now. Then told me she had been thinking her mum had died at 50 but she wasn't sure and thought she ought to go check on her mum but there's no buses so how could she go. Then a few times she'd say she was going and then as we said bye she asked how me and hubby was, mentioned it was hot, asked if see me tomorrow and had she been to my house etc but she wasn't really upset and when she did say night after about ten minutes she sounded ok and happy about coming to ours tomorrow.
So mum has improved towards end of this week in mood and hopefully getting a bit more sleep, I hope it continues.
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Tonight has been stressful though because I've been trying to sort out my sister coming to stay next week as even though she has been saying she was still thinking of coming, she hadn't said when and how long for despite me keep asking, she has kept saying she'll let me know closer to time. We were doing online shop we had booked tonight and so I text sis to see if coming when and how long for? as I wanted to order for when she is here. She said thinking of coming sunday evening till friday. I was bit annoyed she still hadn't said when coming and it was only 2 nights before coming.
She was originally coming while hubby is on holiday so we could either go away or at least go out for day a couple of times and spend bit of time on own while she went to mums instead of me. She had said pre lockdown she would take week off to come but I wasn't sure if she actually would come for week as plans do tend to change with my sister and she has lot on at home. After lockdown started she said she would still come. I've kept saying I'm not sure if it's good idea mum and us mixing with another person or for her either mixing with us, and I'm not sure she's even allowed yet to come stay with me and hubby and visit mum, I don't think so yet. But I thought if she really wanted to come and see mum I didn't want to say no and stop her. I thought she might come for few days and we could get chance to talk about how things are with mum instead of texting and she'd said she'd see if could arrange to see solicitor while she was here about LPA, although when I looked they're not doing appointments and last sis said nobody was getting back to her anyway and she's not said she's organised anythings so so doubt we'll get anywhere with that.
I know if I'm around, which I will be as can't go anywhere at mo and wouldn't risk it anyway with virus, that mum would be asking to see me as she has done before when sis has been with her, so I would probably see her some of each day at least. In past when sis has stayed she has planned to stay at mums till dinnertime before bringing mum here and always ended up bringing mum over to us earlier cos mum was asking for me and getting het up, so although sis says she'll go and give us day off I can't see it working for much longer than few hours.
I'd have to go to mums before carer comes tuesday and thursday as they are used to me being there but sis would be another person they're exposed to and they want to keep that to minimum. They're fine with me and even hubby being there as know we see mum everyday, keep our distance from them and know we are not mixing with many people. So on those days I'd still go over like normal and sis would just be sat at ours and then in afternoon instead of me having afternoon off with hubby I'd be with hubby and sis which is ok but that means I'm losing time on own with hubby and that's partly what sis is supposed to be here for. With hospital monday afternoon and doctors friday morning which mum will expect me to go (sis doesn't know much about her eyes if asked, or where drs is anyway) so I'd be seeing mum anyway then which cuts down time sis would be with mum and I wouldn't need to be even more and I'd end up having less time with hubby with sis staying here than on a normal week.
We've had hours worth of texting back and forth tonight with me wanting to know what sis is planning and organise things as well as saying I'm worried about virus risk. Sis said she thought I knew she would be here most of week, though why she thought I kept asking her when coming and how long for if I knew I don't understand and also saying things like we'll see how it goes, we'll sort it out on day which I find stressful. She suggested she went to mums on carer day then me and hubby went over just before carer came and she'd leave so carer only saw us like normal. I think that is daft as mum would wonder why sis was there then left as we arrived only for us to leave more or less straight after, it would really confuse her.
I know you can't plan much with dementia but we could plan on our side what we're hoping to do. I've enough on with trying to look after mum without wondering if need get spare bed ready now or in few days time and do I buy extra food for sis for 3 or 7 days and what do I buy. She always says she doesn't need anything special, she'll have what we have and then when she's here asks if got this, or says she doesn't like that and at mo hubby and I aren't going to shops much if can avoid it and don't want to have to keep popping out for alternatives for sis. I'm a worrier and want to plan for different eventualities and sis is a it'll be right, we'll worry about it later type so we do struggle at times.
I've ended up in tears and hubby and I were both het up and fed up with it going back and forth and I assume sis was same on other end. Mum called in middle of it with door sensor thing and I was also trying to get supermarket shop done before last chance to make changes tonight and site kept sticking so it's been a very fraught evening.
This week with hospital and drs visits as well as carer visits as well as virus worries it seems like more trouble and worry than it's worth. I don't want to stop sis and mum seeing each other which is why I have tried not to say don't come but I don't want extra stress and this is causing me it. Sis had said before that her coming was supposed to be to relieve a bit of my stress but it isn't. We ended up with sis saying she wouldn't come if it going to be more hassle than help, but of course now I'm feeling guilty. :(
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
590
0
We can’t have overnight visitors til July 4th!
I know it’s a hassle for you but at least she is coming . She may not do much but she is there for you and will give you a small break....better planning later in the year (virus takes away planning at the moment) will mean a little break for you ....weekend away maybe?
I am so jealous, not seen my sister since mum diagnosed a year ago. She hated looking after her before diagnosis now she won’t citing her own mental health (to my knowledge nothing wrong with her) Mum says she is wonderful they chat every day....
I can see from the timing of your posts that you are not sleeping, that’s not going to make it better.
Take care we have been all hot and tired the last few days....yesterday I was inches from dissolving into a puddle of tears. Today is another day!!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,802
0
Hi @annielou , do look after yourself as well as your mum, please.
Hope today is a better one, but really do try and sort out some respite so you can take a step back and see what you need to do next.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Starting on a journey @Sarasa x
She would have been coming tomorrow So before 4th so I don’t think she’s allowed to stay over unless she or person she staying with lives alone which she doesn’t and neither do we. She wouldn’t be staying at mums as we have been trying to avoid that since I stopped camping in mums living room in february as mum will get confused and used to someone overnight again. Neither sis or I want that to happen. We fear it is in horizon with her confusion of where my dad is etc now so don’t want to speed it up by sis staying now.
I am so grateful sis still wants to visit and help with mum which is why even though I have kept saying I’m not sure its safe or that she’s allowed to come yet I hadn’t told her not to come when we’ve been talking about it before. But this week it’s not giving me much rest as still need be at mums most of time and is adding to stress with having to think of another person.
I’m frustrated by her not saying when and how long coming for. She knows we do click and collect Once a week for us and mum and I think not to say when and how long she’s coming for so I can plan how much of things to buy is bit thoughtless. I suppose I could just have tried to order enough so we could have 4 for every meal on days at mums for dinner and 3 for carer days but you can only order 85 items on c&c and with two houses shopping we get close anyway. And if sis was going to be at mums and us at home that would be different to if all together so need to buy for two seperate meals. I know its a small thing but at minute its another thing I have think about that she hasn’t.
Hubby and I didn’t expect her to come for most of week and much as I love my sister and usually enjoy seeing her at mo having to look after and consider another person every evening and on carer afternoons feels a bit much at mo for me and hubby. I am type of person who doesn’t really switch off when have people here. I’m asking if want anything, want to do anything, watch anything and most days after being at mums I don’t have much left for entertaining people. I know sis would say it's ok but I would still feel shoukd do it. If I wasn’t seeing mum as long in day it wouLd be better, I’d be more in mood but this week I will have to see her almost every day anyway because of hospital, gps and carers. And instead of spending quiet evenings and carer afternoons with hubby the only time we would get on own together this week would be if sis went to mums monday morning before hospital and some of wednesday instead of me which is actually less than normal.
Mum is likely to get jealous of sis spending time with me without her on carer afternoons and want to come to mine too especially as one of carer afternoons is my birthday next week which mum usually spends with me. She gets jealous if thinks leaving her out. If she realises its my birthday and its just me and hubby she may get upset we’re leaving her at home but not as much as if sis here too.
The main benefit we would get this week would be me and sis could talk in person rather than text when we’re at mine without mum as long as mum wasn’t ringing up confused. I think with virus still around and not really being supposed to stay here and all that going off this week it would be better to wait.
 
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Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,904
0
Bedford
Hi. I think sisters proposed visit is really playing on your mind as you were awake as silly o clock. Based on the appointments you have next week and using July 4th as a reason can you not tell sister You would love to see her but please could it go back a week to allow you to plan a bit better and remain within the lockdown guidelines. I know it is hard but you already have so much stress in your life. You could also add that maybe the solicitor might be working then (my Mum’s is open and working again now) Or has sister taken time off work already.
I am glad that your Mum has had some better days so perhaps the change in medication is starting to kick in and will give you a break (or a chance to follow up with memory clinic etc- end of nag)
Lots of hugs to you 🤗
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth x
Sis said last she won’t come if more hassle than help so I said at moment it was. Well we both said lots more we were texting hours but that was end decision. She had booked last week and this week off months ago as was supposed to be on holiday this week and next week coming down here to see mum and give me n hubby bit of break. She said she would see if could work next week and save Days and maybe come later In year. I said not to mess with her leave at such late notice but if se could come some time for weekend wen things get better with virus that would be good. I do feel very guilty for saying not to come but I am so worried bout virus, especially now more people are starting to go out and about and we wouldn’t get much time off this week especially so not really much benefit to her coming for us.
I’m currently sat in car park waiting to go do our click and collect that we had arrange for 6-8pm pick up to fit with taking mum home from ours, or us going home from mums as supermarket is near mums, but its gone belly up as mum wanted to go home at half four but didn’t want us to stay at her house till time for shopping.
She wanted to go home to check brothers not emptying her mums house, when I told her it had all been sorted she sat minute and said wanted go home cos hot. Tried change her mind for a bit but she wouldn’t have, also wouldn’t have it she can’t walk home so had to wake hubby up who’d nodded off to drive her home.
She was calling me ‘friend’ before left our house and saying had go her mums and she’d slept at her mums yesterday. When we got to mums she was calling me ‘friend’ and was barely talking to us and kept telling us we could go home and saying she would ring our Andrea about her shopping cos she’s not been today. So I tried explain I was me and we were picking shopping up between 6 & 8 as couldn’t get usual morning slot. Of course she wouldn’t believe it and didn’t want us to stay till 6 to wait till we could go get shopping even though that meant us driving home 20 minutes and waiting 20 minutes before driving back 20 minutes when time for it or sitting waiting in car somewhere. She was getting fidgety and said wanted us go so to save her getting too het up and upset I said ok we’ll go and We’ll bring your shopping over tomorrow if you prefer. She said she did and came to lock up after us as we left and just asked if coming tomorrow and when I said yes we’ll come in morning and said bye, mum locked up without waving us off.
Few minutes after we left mum rang my mobile to ask me about her shopping because as expected she thought she’d been with ‘friend’ and hubby and hadn’t seen me for ages. She was upset didn’t realise us and was still confused who been with and what happening with shopping so I told her we’ll go back after picked shopping up.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,802
0
Oh dear @annielou, none of this is making any of you happy. Your mother obviously recognises you on the phone, but has problems in real life.
Do make sure you get hold of social services and the memory clinic next week. I can see why you've put your sister off, but she really needs to see what is happening for herself.
You can't carry on like this. Your husband must be a saint, mine would have either walked out months ago or have told my mother straight that I wasn't going to be helping her any more.
{{{hugs}}}
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Sarasa x
Mum has started losing me a bit while talking to me on phone too. She mainly knows its me but mid conversation will start telling me about our Andrea as if she's talking to 'friend', sometimes I'm both people at same time.
Hubby is really fed up today, after all the waiting to hear from sis over what her plans were all week and texting back and forth between us yesterday before deciding it best for her not to come and not knowing what mum doing on and off today he's fed up. This morning mum when I rang mum said she had upset tummy and not coming over today but was fine with me going over to hers, but when we got there she changed her mind to not wanting me to stay but then after bit of sitting and chatting when I mentioned coming again she agreed to come over.
She was fine for quite a while but then she got bit mixed up and wanted go home about half four, wouldn't believe what we said and thought I was 'friend' so we took her home where she didn't want us to stay at hers till time to collect shopping so we had to leave and decided drive and sit in car park waiting. Then mum rang asking about shopping thinking she'd been with 'friend' and not seen me and got upset and I said we'd go back after we'd got shopping in about an hour. So we went back to mums with shopping and she thought I was 'friend' again and told us our Andrea had gone now and so had W (my dad). She was quite confused and asking questions about who I was and where Andrea went and why she went for a while. She didn't really get it but she was aware she was mixed up and said if I'm getting things wrong am mad aren't I. I told her no she had trouble with her memory sometimes. As day wore on and her brain got tired it can mix up old and new memories. I told her its best not to try too hard to make sense of things and think I'm safe I'll work it out tomorrow cos she'll know tomorrow. Mum said ok am sorry. I said I know it's ok I know its not nice for you and then mum said I'm sorry -(hubby) but he didn't answer her so I know he was fed up as he is normally polite even when he's frustrated with mum.
I talked to her a bit about gardens on tele and she joined in and then when programme finished about 7 I said we ought to go home and mum asked if she'd see me tomorrow and could she come to our house, I said yes we'd come pick her up in morning. As we were leaving hubby had said bye to mum and gone out of door first like usual and mum asked me if he was ok with her coming to our house, did he mind? I told her no he's ok with it. I don't know if she picked up on hubby not answering her when she said sorry to him, she could well have forgot it and just asking if he minded cos she sometimes does. She waved us off and hubby and I both said night and see you tomorrow when we got in car so hopefully she thought it was ok to come tomorrow and we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Hubby was quite fed up and het up about things afterwards but bless him he is still ok with her coming tomorrow, he really is good about it all really.
Oh just as I was about to post this mum called. She'd been out to cardboard bin and seen a cardboard box all torn up from some flowers and she thought Is that him (my dad) having another woman and trying to hide it. She said she had rung my sister cos If he was going to do somert he probably wouldn't tell me but he might tell her but she didn't know owt. I told her woman next door shares her cardboard bin they'd be hers and mum said Oh yes she does, but then said It'd be just like him to do somert like that and try hide it. So I told her He doesn't live at that house mum it isn't him it'll be woman next door. I asked if she'd locked back up and mum said she wasn't sure she'd go check so I said yeah go do it now and lock up cos if you open door on a night it'll set door sensor off so she said Ok love I'll see you tomorrow and we said night and she hung up. It was a minute to 9 and sensor starts at 9 so hope she sorted door before then and call button didn't start talking to her again.
Hubby and I had a little laugh when hung up, though really its not funny but sometimes the absurdity and weirdness of the situation just makes you laugh at it. Its not good really that mum is confused and thinks dad is up to something and I hope she settles down about it and doesn't think about it anymore now.
 
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Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
Hi @annielou , I’m sorry to read that your hubby a little fed up and that you are feeling pulled in different directions , it’s a shame that your sister’s visit didn’t work out as you had planned but hope she can come soon as I think she really needs to see how things are now and the pressure you are under . The whole virus situation is making everything so difficult . I don’t know what else to say but I’m sending you great big hugs and hoping things get a little easier . Hope you get some sleep tonight . 🤗 🤗 Take care . X
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
824
0
Lytham St Annes
Good to hear your update, I was a little concerned, but understand that you have lots going on and likely just want to relax after a tiring day...

I can’t offer you any further advice that hasn’t has been offered on previous post, obviously you must do what you think is right for all of you.........

From what I can see you are just about getting through each day and night the best you can, but how long that can go on for is another matter, the stress you and your husband are under currently is just immense!!!!

Hope you have a chilled night and a good day tomorrow.

Take care x
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 and @DianeW x x It is a shame about sister's visit but at moment I don't think it's a good idea. But I do feel really guilty about it. I've been worried about safety and breaking rules part of it for a while but didn't want to be one to stop sis seeing mum and thought maybe she could give hubby and I a bit of time off and we might be able to do some talking and planing about mum. But this week especially with hospital visit and drs visit, besides carer days, I'd still need to be with mum most of time so we wouldn't get that much time off and when we would normally have time together on night and carer afternoons we'd have sis here. There's other bits too, some of which I've mentioned before and it all just got too much really and I think it's just better to wait till things settle more with virus. Also if sis could come at end of a week over a weekend when mum doesn't have carers and on a week without appointments it would be less stress and more beneficial as we'd have chance of more time off.
I do think it would be good to get second opinion on how mum is, if worse or better in any ways, as I do doubt myself and think maybe my opinion changes on how stressed I'm feeling at the time a bit. I do tell sis how mum has been a lot of time to keep her up to date, but we do see things differently and I'm telling sis how things have been from my side only.
When sis is here mum is sometimes a bit different around her than with me, at first she does usually go into hostess mode so seems better although mum can't carry it on for very long, but she sort of doesn't expect sis to help her and look after her either so is a bit different. In past sis would visit and sit back and be waited on where as I have always done stuff with mum when visiting and as I've always lived in same town I've always visited more too. Mum has never been as open with sis about worries and things she wanted help with. Because I have been closer and around more I've been one who has helped mum with things for years and she is more used to showing she needs help and expecting me to help than with sis and I think some sort of memory of that remains and so she acts a bit different round sis. So besides different ways of looking at things we also see slightly different types of mum and have had different relationships with her.
I know sis doesn't want to do anything about respite or similar till after lock down and I don't really want to either. Hubby and I will try our best to keep looking after mum in her home till things change with virus and being able to see people in person. It is getting hubby down, more so after yesterday, but he agrees we'll try our best to keep going while we can and while things with virus as they are. I do worry the three of us won't be able to last that long but we'll keep trying for now.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
You are doing fab @annielou , please don’t doubt that . I only feel it’s important your sister see’s mum is so she can kind of understand how life is for you , you are Mums main carer and you should be the one really to make the decisions but with sis supporting you , you have to and can only do what you think is right and also what suits you so if it doesn’t then you are right to say it’s not a good time, you take precedence as you are the one who’s life is dictated by your mum (I don’t mean that harshly towards mum) sister has to fit in with you not you with her . They don’t really understand how it is , as hard as they may try to imagine they really can’t unless they actually live it . I can understand you wanting to hold things off for as long as you can while virus around , it’s perfectly understandable . I do hope you can all hang in there as long as you reasonably can safely . It’s blinking tough , I am really struggling at the moment , Mum is deteriorating in front of our eyes , has had the wandering on today , not got out or tried but wandering around lost , pulling my ironing pile about and moving it all around , taking youngest undies , moving stuff everywhere , I donot like keep asking her what she’s doing /looking for or asking constantly if she is ok . She has been getting up so early for a few days and going to sleep for 3 hours during day then staying up late , Hubby and I haven’t had more than 5 minutes on our own in weeks and it’s getting frustrating as we dont get time to talk about anything , silly and horrible of me to moan about her as it’s worse for her but boy it’s hard . Going to try and get gp to increase sertraline in hope that helps and may change memantine to evening if he thinks ok, though they seem to have little idea and do what I ask so might be better to ring memory clinic . Sorry I have rattled on here . Hope you are asleep now. 🤗
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
590
0
I give mum her memantine in the evening. It seems to help. She also has a couple of paracetamol at 9 and bed at 10! Her nights (and therefore mine) have been a lot better since we started this last September. I know we are living on borrowed time and I wish it would go on forever, but I know it won’t.
@annielou , your situation is so hard and I applaud you. Don’t doubt yourself at all. lockdown is nearly over, the virus is in retreat soon it will be time to demand help for your poor mum. Not long now!!