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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Starting on a journey xx
Hopefully things will improve with virus soon and we'll be able to keep going till then and then ask for help or a rest.
I hope we don't have another spike with lots more people going lots more places now and we don't have to go back to tougher restrictions rather than fewer. Some people aren't being as careful now things are easing and it does worry me that it might prolong the whole thing. I've seen someone on my social media go somewhere different every day this week with her kid and each day she has gone with a different set of mums and kids. She's took lots of photos where kids are playing very closely and they're sharing car with others and going to zoos and places where lots of other people are and have touched things they'll have touched. It gives me the willys so we're still trying to limit amount of times have to go anywhere.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
You are doing fab @annielou , please don’t doubt that . I only feel it’s important your sister see’s mum is so she can kind of understand how life is for you , you are Mums main carer and you should be the one really to make the decisions but with sis supporting you , you have to and can only do what you think is right and also what suits you so if it doesn’t then you are right to say it’s not a good time, you take precedence as you are the one who’s life is dictated by your mum (I don’t mean that harshly towards mum) sister has to fit in with you not you with her . They don’t really understand how it is , as hard as they may try to imagine they really can’t unless they actually live it . I can understand you wanting to hold things off for as long as you can while virus around , it’s perfectly understandable . I do hope you can all hang in there as long as you reasonably can safely . It’s blinking tough , I am really struggling at the moment , Mum is deteriorating in front of our eyes , has had the wandering on today , not got out or tried but wandering around lost , pulling my ironing pile about and moving it all around , taking youngest undies , moving stuff everywhere , I donot like keep asking her what she’s doing /looking for or asking constantly if she is ok . She has been getting up so early for a few days and going to sleep for 3 hours during day then staying up late , Hubby and I haven’t had more than 5 minutes on our own in weeks and it’s getting frustrating as we dont get time to talk about anything , silly and horrible of me to moan about her as it’s worse for her but boy it’s hard . Going to try and get gp to increase sertraline in hope that helps and may change memantine to evening if he thinks ok, though they seem to have little idea and do what I ask so might be better to ring memory clinic . Sorry I have rattled on here . Hope you are asleep now. 🤗
Sorry things are tough @Woo2 🤗 Your mum does seem to be getting more mixed up with sleep, timings and routine doesn't she. That is so hard on you and rest of family as well as mum. When I was staying at mums I had a little taste of it, I longed for a bit of time on my own as I was with mum all the time and couldn't go to bed till she did and got up when she did so you have my sympathy and admiration and please don't feel silly or horrible, you're not moaning, it is truly hard. Everybody should have time to switch off and wind down for a while and when looking after someone it's hard to find time, when living with person caring for it's almost impossible, the only time you really get is when asleep and if you never know when that's going to be or how long its going to last you don't get it then.
I really hope your mum settles back into a routine. I think talking to GP or MC about altering medication amount might help your mum relax a bit more as she seems quite agitated now. Here it would be MC as mums GP referred her to MC after initial appointment and then MC takes over all alzheimers side of things after diagnosis and GP is for other illnesses.
I know what you mean about not liking to keep asking are you ok mum, whats the matter, as sometimes they can't say and I think that can upset them more at certain times, it hard gauging when asking will help and when it won't. When she's wandering around lost and moving things does it help any if you interrupt her and ask her to do something else like ask her to come look at something in garden or fold some washing or something?
I'm not good at distraction to be honest, though I read others have success with it. I can never think of things in moment that seem natural but sometimes I will try and occassionaly it works. Mostly for me I try talking about something we have on tele to get her to start watching that as it's usually on and I'm not good at coming up with much else, or I get my colouring or knitting out and ramble about it and mum will often get hers out. Probably not work with your mum though as she didn't get on with knitting did she.
Before I knew about mums alzheimers, but knew she used to get grumpy and bored when she visited and I did things, I used to save jobs like wrapping my embroidery thread on card, sorting the colours into compartments in storage box, writing price labels and putting them on my stock for next craft fair and sorting my ribbon box. I'd get them out later in day when she'd start getting a bit fidgety and could get grumpy and I'd start talking about what I was doing, mum would start looking at them and I'd ask her if she would help. Thinking about it I was better at distraction then even though I didn't know why I was doing it lol.
I hope things settle for you soon, if can switch and it may help your mum sleep better at night asking about switching tablet to night seems a good idea. Good luck and lots of hugs 🤗 🤗 🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,485
0
South East
Thank you @annielou , hugs are very much appreciated so sending some back 🤗 🤗 Yes I am going to ring MC tom after chatting with hubby last night . Can always ring Gp too of the MC want him to increase it as it was him that prescribed them, we shall see . She has been wandering around this morning , fiddling . Youngest got her to sit and watch her fave film while I was garden, I come in and get the face:confused:. Distraction doesn’t always work but have to keep trying , she won’t help me with washing , washing up, dinner , I do ask and she says no thanks , done it all for years. I’m glad she is wandering a little as she has barely moved off chair since lockdown so she is at least getting some movement in . She won’t engage she just looks away and wanders off, I have to try harder for sure . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
A long tiring day for us today. Mum said when I rang she didn't want to come over to ours in case he (my dad) came and took stuff out of house. I tried tell her he wouldn't, tried saying not got key, then ended up having to say he was dead now so wouldn't. She still wasn't sure if wanted to come out as wasn't in mood. Then agreed to come but rang a few minutes later to say I don't want to come Andie I'm better off on my own cos I'm tired and I want to be on my own. I told her I'd just go take her tablets then and see how she felt.
She still didn't want to come to ours, hubby had to do a click and collect for fan we ordered so he left me at mums to see if changed mind but she didn't so I told . She was ok whubby take fan home and I'd stay with mum.
Mum told me she was tired and hadn't been able sleep for going over stuff in her mind about W (my dad) thought he'd just left her for C and was worried he'd come back and take stuff and kept thinking why didn't he love her and want her and going over it in her mind. I told her it was all long time ago and mum said It was but I keep seeing him in here. I tried to say it was old memories that felt new but mum said He was there in front of tele yesterday fiddling with stuff. I said well tell him to bog off then. She said I told him there's nothing here of yours so go away. After few minutes talking mum seemed a bit more aware he hadn't been there and was dead and said she hadn't thought of him for years but she does now, she kept seeing him and she talked to him and she didn't know why cos he was rubbish anyway, then said If I had a gun I'd bloody shoot him. I said he was rubbish mum you're better off without him. We talked bit about how it had been long time and she'd been better off on her own without dad and she said I know it's long time ago but it feel like its happening now. I said I know mum it's like your brain is playing tricks on you and its cruel cos you got over it all a long time ago but its bringing it back and mum said yeah.
She asked me how long it had been and when she moved there and then asked how I knew so much about it. When I said cos I was there she asked who I was and didn't think I was her daughter. She was thinking I was her friend not her daughter and asked where I lived and if could walk. I told her no I'd never walked I'd googled it and it took about two hours and was joking I couldn't walk that far without oxygen. Mum said No you're not a fan of walking are you and then we chatted about how I can meander round shopping and parks etc for hours but just walking to a place I wouldn't walk that long. We talked about not getting out cos of lockdown and places we used go. Mum was talking like knew me and I hoped I'd distracted her from worrying about dad and who I was.
It lasted for a few minutes but then mum started asking about paying her rent. If she needed tell council she's there, her mum had to pay rent as a pensioner so she should, and back to asking who I was and thinking I was 'friend'. That lasted for next hour on and off, we'd have ten minutes questions, ten minutes where I managed distract her onto something else then back round again. We had lunch and put tele on bout 1/4 past 1 and she was ok for bout 1/2 hour but then started again on and off again. She wasn't too het up then just confused and in between questions we'd talk about other things prompted by tele but by 4 ish she was getting more het up and was more or less none stop questioning and telling me I was wrong till 1/4 to 6. She was insistent she had to go into rent etc. Coming up with all sorts of argument that neighbours had pay, she would go ask them, her mum had pay when she was pensioner, she hadn't died at 50 must have got that wrong and lived till 60 cos had told mum that she had to start paying when got her pension. I wouldn't know cos I wasn't there and I wasn't her daughter like I said. I was getting frustrated and worn out with constant questions by then so I showed her photo I had took of her housing benefit and pension letters she had this year to show she got both.
She believed them but then went on to questioning if my dad was dead. He couldn't possibly be dead because she had lived with him and been there yesterday and wanted me to prove it. I showed her photo a relative had posted from scattering dads ashes with date on and mum said I was sure it was recent I must have got it wrong.
We had 5 minutes without questions then, mum talked about her being mixed up and said she knew it happened. I said it was a cruel thing and I was sorry it happened to her. We watched tv and chatted for few minutes but then mum went back to her rent and she was going to ask our Andrea, but I wasn't her, then started accusing me of lying and wanted to ring me. I tried telling her to calm down and not be upset I wasn't trying to upset her, but she was upset and confused so it didn't work, which I kind of knew it wouldn't as nothing had worked all day. I'd tried answering simply not saying much detail so as not to contradict her too much but let her know there was no problem, I'd tried explaining truthfully, I'd tried suggesting she didn't think about it now and try not to worry. I'd tried showing her proof but nothing helped.
Mum tried to find me in her address book but couldn't at first and then when she did she started questioning me to see if I knew details about our Andrea, which I did but she didn't believe me. She tried ringing me but kept putting wrong numbers in so it didn't work and she ended up throwing phone on sofa in frustration. Came up with reasons not our Andrea, she doesn't wear leggings so you're not her, I've worn them for about 10 years or so and mum often moans doesn't like them. You play with your hair our Andrea doesn't, I've done it since a kid, mum used to say andie stop playing with yer hair about 20 times a day and sometimes still does.
Then about 1/4 to 6 she started asking about what I was going to have for dinner, she kept asking if was going to go home for it. I said I was going to have it with her and what did she want, she kept saying she didn't want any she wasn't hungry, I could go home and have mine with hubby. She eventually said I don't mean to be nasty but I just want you to go. I realised she wanted me to go so our Andrea could come. I asked her and she said yes. I said I'm sorry mum but if I go nobody else is going to come cos I'm our Andrea. She said I wasn't a few times and I kept saying I wasn't trying to hurt her and hubby could pick me up but I didn't want to go and her ring me asking me to come when I've just been and her get upset if I came back and saw it was me. She thought I was lying so I asked what I gained from that why would I come and be questioned all afternoon and told I was lying. I come because she's my mum and I love her. Mum said she didn't know but felt I wasn't me. I said I know and I'm sorry about that.
After a minute she went back to what to eat and when I suggested what I could make for dinner she didn't want a dinner cos wasn't hungry she would just have a sandwich cos she was upset. I told her I know Your upset, I'm so sorry but there is no reason to be really. She said Yes but I feel like there is. I said I know. I went get a drink of water to give us a moment and suggested a bacon sandwich which mum agreed to. She seemed to have settled down while I was making it and when I brought her cup of tea in she said thank you sweetheart, but I heard her say while I was back in kitchen Our Andrea hasn't been has she and then something about kids I couldn't make out. She was ok while we were eating and we chatted bit about weather and then about tv but about 1/4 past 6 she asked if I was our Andrea, I said yes and mum asked Where does our Andrea live cos she's not been sleeping here, I said where I lived and that I didn't sleep there cos I had own house. Mum said No she hasn't cos there's only one bedroom here.
Every so often she would look at me then ask are you our Andrea, or are you my daughter, then ask where I lived or who I was married to. She asked where my sister lived and said she didn't ring her now and I told mum she did and rang yesterday. Then she said I think W (my dad) is dead. I said He is it was a while ago. And my mum is dead isn't she? Yes that was long time ago mum. Did I go to funeral? Yes you did. I never see my brothers now it's been years. I said They came at christmas and would have come on your birthday if we weren't in lockdown. Mum said Oh good, but she looked sad. Then she asked again are you our Andrea. She looked tired and sad and worn out bless her. Hubby text about coming over to pick me up so I told him to come over, mum asked a few minutes after Is yer hubby coming for you soon? so I told her he was on way.
I think she was worn out by all questioning and trying to make sense of things. I'd been torn all day whether to go home in case me being there made her feel the need to work things out more, or if I left her would she ring upset cos on own and nobody to ask like she normally does, after hours and hours of it today I don't know if she would have been better on own or not. When hubby came about 7 mum asked him while I was at loo if she needed to pay rent and hubby said no cos she got benefit for it. I thought she was going to start on loop again but she didn't. While I was getting my coat mum asked if she would see me tomorrow and I said yes and we hugged and said night and she waved us off.
Its been a long day, I hope mum gets some sleep tonight. She has appointment for images of her macular hole taking at city hospital tomorrow so going to be another tiring day I think.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,485
0
South East
What a hard tiring day for you both , your hubby is absolutely amazing ,just like you are . I’m not sure mine would be so understanding for so long . Hopefully mum has got a good nights sleep in as you say today will really take it out of her , I would steel yourself for a few even more difficult days . Fingers crossed it goes ok , am thinking of you too . 🤗 🤗 X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @DianeW @Woo2 xx Hope we get there and all goes ok. Its a dreary deidre day wet and cold. Got Bag of face masks and hand sanitiser in my bag and hubby is going to take us all way in car now rather than to train station on outskirts and then a taxi so that might save a bit of confusion for mum switching about but more stress for hubby negotiating city centre roads and hoping to find a parking place. 😳.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
He is he’s buddy lubbly
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Letter just arrived for mums hospital appointment today. Mum read it and said i’m not having an operation I’m 73 I can’t be doing with that. And its at (city) I’m not going all that way either. She’s not noticed letter for appointment today and I’ve not mentioned it just yet but expecting trouble when I say time to get ready and go.
Can’t help thinking why are we even going through hassle today when she more than likely won’t even have it.
Currently on fourth go around in loop every ten minutes of do I need to pay rent do council know I’m here etc
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,791
0
You could change your mind and not go, though I guess it’s a bit late for that. Certainly my mum didnt do well at hospital appointments even when it was something she’d organised for herself. If you don’t go you won’t know if there is something that could help. You could tell your mum mine was nearly 90 when she had her last op and she was fine.
I’m sorry your mum has gone back in time to such a bad period of her life. Reliving that must be tough for her and you.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,485
0
South East
:confused: Oh . Can you just suggest she goes to see them and can tell them she doesn’t want an op but if you go just for app Or they make get cross if she doesn’t turn up.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
589
0
Have a go, but if she is adamant that she won’t go just ring them and apologise. Don’t stress yourselves just do what you can . You can’t control this situation any longer. Take care and good luck with whatever happens today
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Sarasa @Woo2 @Starting on a journey xxx I’m going to attempt going and try best to convince mum to go. I usually try approach appointments like done deal, say she agreed and knew about it and too late not to go. Fingers crossed it works 🤞
Just made us cuppa n biscuit so not hungry when there. Will be telling her in bout half an hour when hubby sets off over so we have time to have quick wash, clean teeth and get changed before go.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,791
0
Hope it went well if you did go, and you aren't too fed up about it if you didn't. Managing people with dementia and hospitals is a tricky one.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Sarasa @Bikerbeth xx We went and we survived, got to wait and see what's said on phone consultation next wednesday now.
Mum didn't react well as predicted. She heard phone beep when hubby text to say he was on his way, I'd turned it up so she would so I could bring up appointment. Mum asked if that was my phone, I told her it was hubby saying he's setting off now. She asked if he was picking me and I was going home now and I said No he's coming to pick us up for her eye appointment. Mum said What eye appointment? and when I told her had appointment at 'city' today she said she wasn't going there and she'd not got appointment. I told her she had and that's the letter she read earlier and as expected mum said she wasn't going. I told her she had to, they were expecting her and it was too late not to go now.
She set off then that she hadn't agreed to appointment, she hadn't made one, she didn't want to go and she wasn't going, it was too bloody far to 'city' and she hated 'city' hospital. I just kept saying she did know, she'd read letter earlier and had told DR he could refer her last time. She went to get letter and told me as 'friend' I shouldn't have done that and made her appointment, I had no right and it wasn't up to me. I told her I hadn't done it, she had told consultant at last appointment he could refer her, she had done it not me. She said Well I'm not going! I said You've got to it's too late not to go now you said you would go to DR at 'town' hospital.
That argument wasn't working so she switched to What time is it? when I told her 4.30 she said she couldn't go cos needed to wash her hair, and I'd have to cancel. I told her I wasn't cancelling, she'd said she'd go and we had to go and her hair was fine. Mum said she needed to get washed and changed and we wouldn't get to 'city' in time. I told her -(hubby) was coming and taking us in car so we had plenty of time and she had half an hour to get ready before we needed to set off. Mum asked who - was. I told her he was my husband and she said she didn't know him. I said she would when saw him.
Mum said she didn't want to go, she was too old to have operations and she hated 'city and wasn't having it done. I told her we had to go today cos it was booked so we'd go and see, they might not say they'd do op anyway. She had got up by this point and went in bathroom to get washed, she popped back out and said Why didn't you tell me earlier? I fibbed and said I thought she knew it was today, letter came earlier and I thought she knew it was today. Mum said she hadn't noticed day and didn't know going today so I just said Oh sorry I thought you did.
She went back in bathroom and then bedroom to get changed all the time moaning about having to go, she's not having op, we wouldn't get there in time and also saying she needed go loo, which she always does when going somewhere. I got ready in between her bathroom trips and when hubby arrived mum was still going on but her steam was running out. Mum was calling me 'friend' so hubby called me Andie and mum said That's not our Andie which changed subject from hospital to if I was me or not and ten minutes passed talking about that and then it was time to go. Mum got in car ok just saying quite a few times on way it was long way to city and we'd not be on time and also asking on and off if I was our Andie etc.
We were a bit early so sat in car for bit then we put on our masks, I told mum not to touch mask, and stay near me and we set off out of car park leaving hubby in car reading. We got stuck in car park going round in a loop trying to find exit as all the exit signs seemed to go round in a circle and I'd missed the one at the beginning telling us to go up, we'd gone down instead.😒 It got us a bit hot and bothered before we made it back to where started and then out of car park and across to hospital. We had to wait in entrance and a young male nurse asked if had appointment and who it was for so I said Mum but I'll need to go with her and mum said Or I'll get lost. He looked a bit surprised but didn't say I couldn't go in. He asked who here to see and if we'd had any symptoms and then another showed us in, we had to stop and wash our hands before going into waiting area.
When we sat down mum kept fiddling with her mask cos her glasses were steaming up and it was making her hot. I kept telling her to leave it alone, not to touch it and she kept saying I'm not! She said I'll take it off for bit cos I'm hot but I told her she couldn't this is where she had to wear it most when we were inside. So she told me I was a pain.:rolleyes:I suggested she took glasses off for bit and then nurse called her for vision test and she had put them back on. As they'd misted up nurse said she could put it below her nose for minute. while she was at other side of room.
I was surprised when she asked mum to confirm first line of her address and date of birth and mum answered straight away when this morning she'd been asking me where is this house and whats this street called. 😯 After vision test we went to machine for pressure test and then nurse sent us to imaging part to wait there. It was really a corridor with seats and was quite busy but we managed get seat at end.
At first mum was moaning about mask again and fiddling with it and saying I'm not,:oops: when I told her not to touch it but eventually she settled down. She kept asking if I was married to hubby and how long for and if I'd been married before and did she come to wedding. I tried distracting her talking about other things but she did keep coming back to asking and also kept saying we've been here ages I bet she's gone for her tea quite a lot too.
We did have a few laughs though, I said let's play eye spy and said something beginning with M. Mum said MOTHER quite loudly which made people turn and look at us, we laughed cos it was funny and then mum said Is it? I said No, so mum said I don't know what it is then tell me. I said Masks and she groaned which set us off laughing again. On one of mums moans about wearing a mask I said Does my nose look big in this and mum said Aye! which made us laugh and got us a few more looks. Then a bit later mum said I want to poop, I said Its probably nerves and mum said Yep but it's ok nobody will be able to smell it cos these masks will filter it, I burst out laughing making everybody look again. What with the laughing, mum asking about who I was married to etc 1/2 a dozen times and her saying we've been here ages I bet she'd gone for her tea a good dozen if not more times, I think we'll have given a good impression of ourselves to other patients today won't we lol, especially if any of them had also seen us going round and round car park too :oops:🤣
After 3/4's of an hour mum was called but I couldn't go in as too small a room but after ten minutes and 3 machines they came out and we all went to another bigger room I was allowed in for another machine. After using that nurse told us we could go now, the DR would look at images and decide if could do op and be in touch to talk to us about it.
We got back to mums about 1/4 past 6 and I made us some dinner. Mum thought I was 'friend' for a bit, one of the times she called me 'friend' hubby said my name and mum said She knows I mean her cos she's my daughter and from then until we left 3/4s of an hour later she called me Andrea or Andie and knew who I was.
It must not have lasted though as mum rang me about 1/4 past 9 and asked if I'd been to hospital with her today. I said I had, Hubby had come and drove us there and I went in with her, she said Oh good, and did we call for something to eat after? I said We went back to yours and I made us some dinner, and told her what we'd had. Mum said Oh yes we did, That's alright then I was just wondering who I had been to hospital with if it was Andrea or .... her who comes to my house sometimes erm... While she was trying to think of who she thought it had been I said again No it was me mum and hubby drove us. Mum said Ok, that's good, thank you love. Al see you later, I said See you tomorrow and then she said Bye and hung up. She didn't sound upset or angry on phone but she sounded a bit quiet when she said bye at end. I hope she is ok now. 🤞
Once we got over the I'm not going and got mum out of the house, she wasn't too bad at hospital, apart from bit of grumpy petulant teenager-ness over mask and quite a bit of repeating. Just the phone consultation to do next week and then see what they say😟