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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks for relies today @Sarasa @Starting on a journey @canary @charliejack @Woo2 xxxx It is very wearing and upsetting and confusing for all of us. Mum lives about 15-20 minute drive away from us and when I catch bus it's 2 buses and about an hour for me to get there so keep going back and forward isn't great. Things got better this afternoon but then tonight while I've been writing this things got worse again.
Mum was fine when we picked her up and brought her to our house, nothing mentioned about earlier this morning by mum or us. She was happy to be here, enjoyed her lunch and we watched tv and chatted about it and everything was ok till 5 when she started getting bit fidgety. Just after 5 she picked her bag up and said she'd better be off now. I asked why but she just shrugged. We talked her into finishing programme we were watching then a bit after that finished she wanted to go again because her brother would be emptying house, her usual worry about her mums house where she thought she lived now. We talked her out of that after a brief explanation that it was sorted years ago and persuaded her to stay for tea and she stayed about another hour before talking about going home and as it was after half 6 I thought might as well go along with it.
While we were waiting for hubby before we took her home she was calling me 'friend' and also on way to hers too. I kept calling her mum and hubby kept calling me Andrea but she didn't take any notice. She was ok at her house and when we left, but I wasn't sure if she knew I was me or 'friend'. She rang my mobile about 5 minutes after we left and said she just thought she'd ring for a little chat so obviously she'd still thought I was 'friend' when we left. She didn't know she'd been with us and said sorry she forgets a lot these days. I told her it didn't matter she knew us most of time and we didn't mind. She said thought been at 'friend' and her husbands and we should say who were. I told her we had but she might not have heard but we would next time. She said sorry she hadn't known, she was glad she had been with us cos she loved me so I told her we loved her. Mum said sorry again that she didn't know us so I told her she'd known us most of day and it didn't matter. She seemed ok when we hung up a minute later.
My mobile went at 25 to 10 . I said hello. Mum said Yes, Do you think you could just have been polite. I knew you weren't going to live with me forever but you could have told me you were going you just went. I told her I didn't live with her and hadn't since I got married almost 28 years ago. She said same thing again Well you could have shown a bit of politeness and told me. I said You know I'm married mum. I don't live with you mum but I come to your house everyday and you come to my house on a weekend. She said I don't! I said You came today, Mum said she hadn't so I told her what we'd had for lunch and what we'd watched and she said Yes but you could have told me you weren't going to live with me anymore. I said I did mum when I got married in 1992. Mum said I know when you get married! So I said Well that's why I don't live with you, I just visit you everyday and I still will. I tried to sound calm and pleasant even though mum sounded angry. Mum said I didn't know you were going. I said I got married 28 years ago mum and I've lived in my house with hubby since then and mum didn't answer she just hung up.
I rang her back a few times but she didn't answer, I left a couple of answer machine messages cos she can hear them as you leave them and I hoped she'd pick phone up and talk to me. I asked her to talk to me and said I din't want her to be upset and I loved her lots and I hadn't just left her and I visit her everyday and will come to see ehr tomorrow but she didn't answer.
She rang me again about 5 to 10 and said I'm sorry Andie I'm so confused I've got two houses now. We talked for almost 20 minutes with mum asking about where she was, where my dad was and where me and my sister lived and didn't we live with her. Did she come to my wedding, when did my dad die, where was her other house and her furniture, her clothes, her rings. Did she need to tell council, did she have to pay rent. She sounded so confused. She kept asking question after question over and over and saying she was so confused and was she going mad. I kept answering her with short answers, trying to reassure everything was ok all her things were there, she hadn't left anything anywhere else, she was ok and she didn't need to worry. I told her she wasn't mad just sometimes on an evening gets confused when her brain gets tired. Mum said she wasn't tired she just didn't know what doing and was mad. I said you're not mum your brain gets tired sometimes and remembers old things and they feel new, it's not every night just sometimes and you'll know it all tomorrow.
She kept asking if I'd go see her sometime and if hubby would go and I said I'll go in morning, I go everyday and hubby comes too. She was worrying it was long way and I couldn't walk there so I told her hubby brings me or I catch bus and its fine. She asked if hubby minded and I said no. Mum said she liked hubby and I said he liked her, mum said he won't when he knows I've gone mad. I told her she hadn't gone mad she was just overtired and mixed up a bit she'd be ok tomorrow.
She kept going back over questions about where house was and old house and where I lived and how long she'd been on her own and said she couldn't believe she lived on her own but there was only one bedroom. She said she was sat wondering why there were no people there and said nobody comes. I told her I go everyday. I don't live with her but I go everyday. She sounded surprised but grateful when I told her I went and also sounded grateful when she asked if I'd go see her or if she could come to my house sometime and I said yes. She kept saying ok she'd go now and started saying see you later, but then she'd ask another question and she still sounded so confused. I told her try not to worry about it mum, you're in right place, you've got everything you should have and it'll all come back to you in morning and I'll come see you tomorrow. She said ok. Mum said it's getting dark and I said it was 1/4 past 10 and mum said Is it? I said Yep it's nearly bedtime and mum said It is. Then she noticed we'd been on phone a while and asked if she'd rung me and had to pay for it, so I said its okay its cheap on a night and you can afford it it won't be much which she did do a little laugh at. We talked again about her being ok there and I'd go tomorrow and she could come to mine sometimes and I loved her lots and so did hubby and then she said night.
Today has been a real roller coaster of ups and downs, poor mum had been so upset and confused this morning and a bit angry, then happy, then confused, then angry and confused and upset tonight. I hope she settles now and gets some sleep. I'm feel guilty again about not rushing over to be with her tonight and worried if she'll be ok tonight.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,930
0
cornwall
Thanks for relies today @Sarasa @Starting on a journey @canary @charliejack @Woo2 xxxx It is very wearing and upsetting and confusing for all of us. Mum lives about 15-20 minute drive away from us and when I catch bus it's 2 buses and about an hour for me to get there so keep going back and forward isn't great. Things got better this afternoon but then tonight while I've been writing this things got worse again.
Mum was fine when we picked her up and brought her to our house, nothing mentioned about earlier this morning by mum or us. She was happy to be here, enjoyed her lunch and we watched tv and chatted about it and everything was ok till 5 when she started getting bit fidgety. Just after 5 she picked her bag up and said she'd better be off now. I asked why but she just shrugged. We talked her into finishing programme we were watching then a bit after that finished she wanted to go again because her brother would be emptying house, her usual worry about her mums house where she thought she lived now. We talked her out of that after a brief explanation that it was sorted years ago and persuaded her to stay for tea and she stayed about another hour before talking about going home and as it was after half 6 I thought might as well go along with it.
While we were waiting for hubby before we took her home she was calling me 'friend' and also on way to hers too. I kept calling her mum and hubby kept calling me Andrea but she didn't take any notice. She was ok at her house and when we left, but I wasn't sure if she knew I was me or 'friend'. She rang my mobile about 5 minutes after we left and said she just thought she'd ring for a little chat so obviously she'd still thought I was 'friend' when we left. She didn't know she'd been with us and said sorry she forgets a lot these days. I told her it didn't matter she knew us most of time and we didn't mind. She said thought been at 'friend' and her husbands and we should say who were. I told her we had but she might not have heard but we would next time. She said sorry she hadn't known, she was glad she had been with us cos she loved me so I told her we loved her. Mum said sorry again that she didn't know us so I told her she'd known us most of day and it didn't matter. She seemed ok when we hung up a minute later.
My mobile went at 25 to 10 . I said hello. Mum said Yes, Do you think you could just have been polite. I knew you weren't going to live with me forever but you could have told me you were going you just went. I told her I didn't live with her and hadn't since I got married almost 28 years ago. She said same thing again Well you could have shown a bit of politeness and told me. I said You know I'm married mum. I don't live with you mum but I come to your house everyday and you come to my house on a weekend. She said I don't! I said You came today, Mum said she hadn't so I told her what we'd had for lunch and what we'd watched and she said Yes but you could have told me you weren't going to live with me anymore. I said I did mum when I got married in 1992. Mum said I know when you get married! So I said Well that's why I don't live with you, I just visit you everyday and I still will. I tried to sound calm and pleasant even though mum sounded angry. Mum said I didn't know you were going. I said I got married 28 years ago mum and I've lived in my house with hubby since then and mum didn't answer she just hung up.
I rang her back a few times but she didn't answer, I left a couple of answer machine messages cos she can hear them as you leave them and I hoped she'd pick phone up and talk to me. I asked her to talk to me and said I din't want her to be upset and I loved her lots and I hadn't just left her and I visit her everyday and will come to see ehr tomorrow but she didn't answer.
She rang me again about 5 to 10 and said I'm sorry Andie I'm so confused I've got two houses now. We talked for almost 20 minutes with mum asking about where she was, where my dad was and where me and my sister lived and didn't we live with her. Did she come to my wedding, when did my dad die, where was her other house and her furniture, her clothes, her rings. Did she need to tell council, did she have to pay rent. She sounded so confused. She kept asking question after question over and over and saying she was so confused and was she going mad. I kept answering her with short answers, trying to reassure everything was ok all her things were there, she hadn't left anything anywhere else, she was ok and she didn't need to worry. I told her she wasn't mad just sometimes on an evening gets confused when her brain gets tired. Mum said she wasn't tired she just didn't know what doing and was mad. I said you're not mum your brain gets tired sometimes and remembers old things and they feel new, it's not every night just sometimes and you'll know it all tomorrow.
She kept asking if I'd go see her sometime and if hubby would go and I said I'll go in morning, I go everyday and hubby comes too. She was worrying it was long way and I couldn't walk there so I told her hubby brings me or I catch bus and its fine. She asked if hubby minded and I said no. Mum said she liked hubby and I said he liked her, mum said he won't when he knows I've gone mad. I told her she hadn't gone mad she was just overtired and mixed up a bit she'd be ok tomorrow.
She kept going back over questions about where house was and old house and where I lived and how long she'd been on her own and said she couldn't believe she lived on her own but there was only one bedroom. She said she was sat wondering why there were no people there and said nobody comes. I told her I go everyday. I don't live with her but I go everyday. She sounded surprised but grateful when I told her I went and also sounded grateful when she asked if I'd go see her or if she could come to my house sometime and I said yes. She kept saying ok she'd go now and started saying see you later, but then she'd ask another question and she still sounded so confused. I told her try not to worry about it mum, you're in right place, you've got everything you should have and it'll all come back to you in morning and I'll come see you tomorrow. She said ok. Mum said it's getting dark and I said it was 1/4 past 10 and mum said Is it? I said Yep it's nearly bedtime and mum said It is. Then she noticed we'd been on phone a while and asked if she'd rung me and had to pay for it, so I said its okay its cheap on a night and you can afford it it won't be much which she did do a little laugh at. We talked again about her being ok there and I'd go tomorrow and she could come to mine sometimes and I loved her lots and so did hubby and then she said night.
Today has been a real roller coaster of ups and downs, poor mum had been so upset and confused this morning and a bit angry, then happy, then confused, then angry and confused and upset tonight. I hope she settles now and gets some sleep. I'm feel guilty again about not rushing over to be with her tonight and worried if she'll be ok tonight.
Unfortunately as you know with dementia it never ends. You cannot do anymore and you are wearing yourself out trying. Please arrange some more carer visits to do the medication etc. I worry that your mum is not safe now but as you have to go by what SS say you need to update them. Take care((hugs))
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,802
0
Before you head out to your mum's I'd try and get hold of memory clinic and Social Services to update them on what is happening. Things can't carry on as they are, as they are causing great distress to all three of you, and not really helping anyone.
Just a thought, is it worth trying to get a GP appointment via phone in case your mum has an UTI or similar?
{{{hugs}}}, and I hope today is a better one
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks for replies @TNJJ @Sarasa @DianeW xxx I came on this morning but didn't get to read replies or reply as we were up late after waking early and nodding back off :oops: and I was busy trying to sort some other things out online and at home before went to mums. I've not had chance to contact anyone today, but as I've not heard from chemist about mums prescription today I'll ring MC tomorrow about it and tell her how mum has been. I've got some urine testing strips ordered so when they come I'll try get a sample off mum and if shows anything contact GPs.
Even though I've not got new prescription yet I gave mum 2 x 100mg sertraline this morning using the 100mg ones I had extra from last time did change of prescription a couple week ago. I had hoped the last dose had started working middle of last week but after weekend I didn't think they were so thought I'd try start mum off on new dose without waiting any longer. This weekend was hard for all of us and if chance mum might feel better on new dose I wanted to start now.
I hope it helps as this morning we nearly had a repeat of yesterday morning. Mum ignored my first 2 calls and when I rang 3rd time mum answered very grumpily and when I told her I was on my way over she told me she didn't want to see me as I never come. I had a feeling that was coming with her not answering first 2 calls so I put on a jolly nothing is wrong voice and said I come everyday mum. We had a few times of me saying I see her everyday and she had been at my house yesterday, with mum saying No you don't I never see you and No I didn't come to your house, I reminded her what we ate and watched yesterday and she said Oh, Oh ok then. I just acted like all was fine and said Ok I'll see you soon cos I'm on my way byeee.
I went in full of jollyness, said Hello, isn't it a nice morning. Mum gave me a quiet Hello. So I just carried on being jolly talking about nice weather and what to wear and other random falsely jolly stuff while I washed my hands and got us both a drink of water and gave mum her tablets and within a few minutes she was chatting away as jolly as me, upset averted.
I have been 'friend' quite a few times today and been asked why our Andie hasn't been, where our Andie is, do you think our Andrea will ever visit me, told our Andrea usually brings her shopping but she didn't this week. At first she'd say you're not our Andie/Andrea but then would accept it on second time of me saying I am, though she'd soon forget again. I did a lot of smiling today as well as a lot of being jolly.
About 3 o'clock mum went to loo and came out saying she'd have to pay rent now that she'd got her pension because her mum had to pay it when she got hers. (her mum died at 50 so never made it to a pensioner but according to mum she told her she had the other day) This started a solid half hour of non stop questions about if paid rent, if paid bills, if needed tell council lived here now. Was her stuff still in other house, did she have to pay rent there, had she still got the keys, where did our Andrea live now, where did my sister live now, where was my dad, and lots more. I tried to tell her no need to worry it was all sorted, everybody knew she was here, she paid all bills, got housing benefit, they knew she was a pensioner, it was fine. I was married and had own house, my sister had own house, dad didn't live here, she didn't owe anyone anything and all her stuff was here. I tried my best to keep my answers simple and short in hope they didn't lead to more questions but they did. Mum came up with reasons why I was wrong and she needed to worry about something that were nonsense, but to her were true I suppose. I kept telling her she didn't need to worry I wouldn't let her be in trouble with anyone I had told everyone where she was, I had all papers at home to prove it so don't worry.
Eventually after half hour ish she stopped and sat quiet for a bit but she wasn't settled as she kept fidgeting and picking up and putting down her colouring she'd been doing before loo. She managed about twenty minutes before giving in to it again and starting asking questions. She only asked a few questions for a few minutes but she kept going back to asking things on and off for next 3/4s of an hour.
Then she started asking about dinner and if I needed to go home to make - (friends hubby) his dinner so I was back to being 'friend' again. I smiled again and said I'm not married to - mum I'm not 'friend' I'm your daughter Andrea and I'm married to -. Mum said Are you our Andrea? Yes mum, more smiling. You're not our Andrea. I am, more smiling. Oh ok and a smile back from mum. Then I told her I usually make her dinner and have it with her, she asked what about hubby (using my hubbys name) and I said he'll come after he's finished work. Mum said Oh ok have we got anything, I might not have anything cos I don't think our Andrea brought my shopping this week.:rolleyes: I told her I had brought her shopping and what we could have and mum said Oh good. Don't know if she knew who I was or not then but heyho.
She was ok after that till about 6 when she started asking bits on and off about houses again, if furniture at other house, her washer was there, Uncle A (dads brother) might have took it all and sold it. Did she need tell council etc, We both told her she had nothing to worry about and had all her stuff here etc. Hubby did a lot of the answering this time and also used our joke about her not being Mrs Rockerfella and having two houses which made her smile and forget about it for a few minutes, but she did keep going back to asking questions. She wasn't sure we were right, she kept saying are you sure, I think you're wrong, but what about, but she was calm about it and not upset or angry.
We had a place in the sun on which was in tenerife and mum said You won't go to live in tenerife will you cos I'll have nobody then.:( She'd said same thing earlier on this afternoon when another episode was on somewhere else. I told her both times no I wasn't going anywhere, I'd always be around to visit her. She was ok when we got up to leave and asked if I'd be going tomorrow and waved us off ok.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,904
0
Bedford
Just sending you hugs for being an amazing Carer for your Mum. I hope you are able to make those phone calls tomorrow afternoon when the Carer is with your Mum.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth x Hopefully I should be able call in afternoon. Its relief carer tomorrow so I'm hoping mum is ok with her coming as she's been saying she was quiet and if mum's confused and thinking I don't come etc it could make tomorrow a hard day for them both and me. 🤞 fingers crossed it goes ok.
How is your mum? Is your mum still more confused or is she brighter after her lunch in bed the other day? I hope she's ok and so are you and hubby x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,932
0
South coast
Wow, I am seriously impressed with your "staple on a smile and pretend everything is wonderful" persona. I know that with mum she would mirror my mood and if I was happy then she was too, but Ive never had to maintain it for as long as you do. It must take a tremendous amount of effort.
xx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @canary x I’m often not great at it and it does slip, but I try as it does seem to help at times. It is tiring but after reading on here about PWD mirroring moods I try to do it when I can remember and when I'm up to it.
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
So mum answered my first phone call this morning but said Your dads gone and took all his stuff. She thinks dad has been living there and just left. Cant understand it that she’s lived on her own all this time. Wondering if can afford house, do they know she has pension, where did my dad go, did she live there when working, said well its very confusing I can’t believe it.
Not a great start to day especially when new carer coming today who mum thinks is quiet and poor woman won’t have any idea if what mum asking about is true or not and they don’t know each other so distracting isn’t going to be easy.
i’m wondering if having relief carer today a good idea or not. Usual carer knows mum quite well now and is very bubbly and would be able distract mum more but relief one has only seen mum for about an hour and that was with other carer mainly telling her what did at mums.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,932
0
South coast
Id leave it and see what happens. The carer might be able to cajole her out of it and your mum will probably respond to having someone there.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks for advice @CardiffGirlInEssex @canary xx hopefully she will be ok with her 🤞
She really is confused about my dad today, keeps asking me about it every so often. She was going to look in shed to see if he left anything cos he’s took his clothes and their furniture. She is remembering her old furniture from years and years ago which has long been replaced. Where she thinks that furniture fitted in here as house is full with current furniture I don’t know, it makes no sense but logic doesn’t come in to it does it. She remembered a few minutes ago that he’d died so mum said Why did he take his clothes if he was going to kill himself? 🙄
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Annoyed with myself today as I wanted to ring MC when I got home this afternoon to ask about mums prescription as its not come yet and also talk to her about how mum has been in last week but I left it too late and she'd gone home when I rang so now have to wait for her to ring me tomorrow.
I'll be at mums so it will be hard to talk with mum there. I usually go in kitchen if mums in room when someone rings but its awkward cos mum can still hear a bit and usually starts asking what I'm doing and how long I'm going to be, am I talking about her, and often comes in after a while. I'll have to think up reason for clinic ringing, mind you I can say they were just ringing see how she is and organise next prescription as due soon, but if mum hears me talking about her crying and getting annoyed and upset I don't know what I will say to that, but it is what it is and it's my own stupid fault. 😳
I was a bit later getting home as was talking to new carer about where things were etc and traffic was busy on way back too. Then hubby made us cup of tea while I sorted some washing out I'd had on while at mums and hubby and I were talking about some work he's going to do on and around the patio and fence in back garden and I went out to discuss and work things out with him thinking wouldn't be long and would ring memory clinic after that. It took us longer than I thought figuring out what to do with what and by time I got in to ring MC it was gone 4. I rang MC but when I ask for usual lady she'd gone home and one who answered said she'd get her to ring me tomorrow. I maybe might have been able to ask person who answered if she could look and see what had happened to prescription but she wouldn't know about mum same as usual lady and I didn't know if she could access that info anyway so I didn't ask.
I was sure when she'd rung me the other week it had been after 4 so even when I noticed time when I rang I'd thought I would be ok but no. I could kick myself for not doing it straight away instead of getting caught up doing other things. Also hubby didn't even start on the job that we were talking about today and did something else instead so I'd no need to go out then anyway. 😒😳

Mum carried on asking about dad on and off till just before carer came. She still thought he had lived with her and had just left her taking his stuff and old furniture. She kept asking where he'd gone, then sometimes she'd remember he'd died but thought only just. Asking if she could pay rent, could she stay here, was her name on rent book and could she afford it etc. It was on and off about every 20 minutes or so from me getting there this morning until hubby text about 1/4 to 2 to say he was setting off and I told mum he was on way to pick me up cos carer was coming. She said she might have to stop having carers cos she had to pay for them and can't afford it now on own so I told her she got AA to pay for it so it was fine. She asked once more if she could stay here now dad had gone and then switched to talking about new carer.
She said she wouldn't know what to talk to her about as she was quieter than usual one who she really likes. I suggested she ask if she had any kids and talked about what was on tele as holiday programme on and mum thought that was good idea. Don't know if she'd have remembered that later but she seemed ok about carer coming and said regular one be back next week anyway.
When carer came after she'd washed hands and said hello and I'd told her where stuff was for dinner etc she was asking us what needed doing, she asked about cleaning as regular one had mentioned it last week to her, mum said Nothing needed doing, she liked to do her own cleaning. Mum said she used to be a bit of an obsessive cleaner and we chatted a bit about some of the things she did, then mum said But I can't be bothered as much now. I said quickly to carer a bit quieter and hoped mum didn't cotton on, She does tend to put it off now, if you want to try that's fine but she can get annoyed so sometimes I have to leave it so if she does and you want to leave it that's fine. Mum said regular one is always asking if I've any ironing, so todays said Oh have you got any cos I can iron and you can put away and mum said Yeah ok, that's what I do with regular, so at least she agreed to that. Mum seemed ok about new one being there so I'll have to see what she says tomorrow and what carer put in report, but hopefully she'll be ok for next couple of visits till regular one comes back.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,802
0
You've probably set off for your mum's now, but if not ,I'd phone memory clinic before you go. Trying to talk about your mum when she's there will be tricky and probably mean you don't say all that need to be said. Otherwise why not leave it till tomorrow? You could then dedicate the afternoon to phoning them and social services.
Anyway, I hope today is a good day.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
824
0
Lytham St Annes
Yes I agree you do really need to be able to talk about your Mum uninterrupted really so that you can concentrate and really explain her deterioration and how difficult it now is, I would be speaking to MC, social services and her GP and making it very clear that you can’t continue to do what your doing....

I honestly do think you do now need to put this as a priority and make the time to do it, you know best how your Mum has deteriorated and unless you are prepared to continue providing the same level of care and being on call on phone and maybe going to her 24/7 .....you have got to start shouting loudly.

I think the minimum your Mum needs now is an assessment of her new needs, a full medical review and for that I think she will need to be in a residential setting, so her full needs can be assessed.
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks @Sarasa @DianeW @Bikerbeth xxx No call from MC today so I didn't need to try find way to talk with mum around. She may ring before I leave mums tomorrow but if not I will ring when I get home tomorrow and not wait like I did tuesday and if regular person not there I'll ask whoever answers about mums missing prescription anyway. It may be that it is stuck in post as found out yesterday there has been cases of covid19 at our sorting office and mail in area is delayed so if posted it could be stuck.
Today was quite good until late afternoon. Mum didn't answer me again when I rang this morning so on second call I left an extremely jolly sounding message saying it was me making my daily call to say I was on my way over and see her soon. I thought if she was ignoring phone cos in a grump with me, like other day, maybe me saying daily call would trigger memory I go daily. I don't know if she was ignoring me or not, but when I arrived she was putting washing out and was ok with me. When I saw her I said Hello mum I'm here again and mum said Aye I can't get rid on yer and laughed.
We were talking about it being warm and it would be hot in bed and I told mum she'd bought a summer weight quilt last year so why didn't we change to it so she'd be cooler. Mum agreed and after helping strip bed she let me hoover and change it, I did rest of bedroom while I was in there and then asked Shall I do rest while I've got hoover out and mum said If you want.
She let me hoover room, hall and kitchen and only once said I do hoover you know I can do it myself, she didn't sound too annoyed but just in case I was very jolly and smiley and said I know you do mum but I had it out. Then I said you're 73 you've been hoovering a lot of years mum let someone else do it for you now and again you've done plenty. Mum said Aye ok love.
She brought duster in to dust room a bit later but it was lunchtime so she said she'd do it after lunch. She seemed to have forgot about it after lunch so a bit later when she went out to put bedding on line I dusted and when she came back in I said I spotted duster so thought I'd do it while you were doing washing save you a job and mum said Oh lovely thank you love. Managing to get some housework done with no bother is a big plus, mum wasn't offended and didn't get annoyed or change her mind half way through , mainly she just laughed at me and rolled her eyes and called me daft cos I was rambling on joking about who'd dropped most crumbs down sofas and how you have to punch cushions to fluff them up and singing while I was doing it.
She had indigestion/heartburn again today, I'm not sure if its increased sertraline or because she took tablets and leaned over, while ago I noticed if mum took tablets then leaned over to get water and drink it she said felt like they'd stuck or had heartburn/indegestion after. I missed her taking them today as I'd put them on table ready to give her in a minute and was reading a text when mum saw them and took them so didn't see but I think she was leaning over side table. Tomorrow I'll giver her them and water at same time while sat up and see if she gets it again.
About 3 this afternoon mum started asking questions about house and if could stay there and did she need to pay rent now a pensioner and not with dad etc etc, She was quite calm and only asked a few questions then she'd leave it 10 to 15 minutes and ask similar things again.
About 4 o'clock phone went and mum asked them to speak to me as she didn't know what they were saying, it was city hospital about mums referral for her macular hole. She made an appointment for mum to go have images taken next monday and then a telephone consultation just over a week later. I said I'd have to go with mum as she has alzheimers and won't know where going if not was this ok? and she said I'd have to tell nurses on door why there but I should be able to go in. We have to wear masks unless mum has breathing problems which she doesn't and I have masks so thats ok. The main thing is dealing with mum in hospital especially as only had late afternoon appointments so will be in mums sundowning time, aswell as her normal nerves and confusion when go to hospital and we've not been there before and it's a pain to get to. Hubby will drive us to near train station where big car park and taxi rank is and then we'll have to get taxi as he doesn't want to drive in city and hospital parking is apparently really difficult. When we had to go to local hospital earlier this month that actually went a lot easier than expected so I hope this will too.
Because mum had spoke to her first when I came back in room afterwards she asked if it was about her going to hospital so I said yes and mum asked what for, so I told her its about your eye. Mum wanted to know what it was about and when so I told her briefly. She said I'm not having operation I'm too old I might die in 5 minutes. Then said she would have had it if told her about it in her 60s but now in her 70s she's too old for operations. I said we'll just go have images taken and have call and see what says there might not be operation anyway.
Hubby thinks even if they say it is worth doing macular hole surgery mum won't go through with it and will change her mind again so we're just wasting everybodys time and going through extra hassle for nothing. He is probably right and she won't agree to it, she'll probably change her mind a dozen times before any operation if there was one offered. But it's not up to me to decide and before last local appointment mum said she wished had agreed to go city hospital when first found she had hole to see if they could do anything. If her right eye goes into full hole too she'd be blind apart from peripheral vision in both eyes, until/if she could have op on right eye so chance of improvement in left eye would be worth trying if possible. So at last appointment when referral was offered again we said yes. I thought we'd see what say and deal with it then, now it's here I'm worrying bout it.
The hospital call took mums mind off asking about house for a while but by half four she was asking again and this time barely stopping. She kept telling me that her mum had to pay rent when she got her pension at 65 even though she didn't have to pay it before so mum should and as she wasn't she would get thrown out when they knew she was back living there. Her mum died at 50 so sadly never made it to a pensioner but she apparently told mum last week that she had to start paying it. From half four to five to 6 when hubby arrived mum barely stopped asking me questions and saying but I'll have to pay cos my mum did. They don't know I'm here yet but when they do I'll get thrown out. Should I go back to other house. Is yer dad still there. No matter how many times I told her it was sorted she didn't need to worry, she just kept on coming up with reasons why it wasn't. She was sure she had only just come back there a few weeks ago after splitting with dad, that he'd lived there, that she'd spoke to her mum recently who now had to pay rent cos had pension. on and on she went but, but, but.
When hubby came she was asking him if he'd been busy and talking bout heat today and I thought for a few minutes loop had been broken but no while I was dishing up dinner she asked hubby if she had to pay rent and started telling him same things about her mum. She stopped during dinner but then afterwards she started again for next hour non stop about it. I kept telling her I would bring papers for rent and housing benefit to show her tomorrow so she knew it was sorted so don't worry now, but she just wouldn't let it go and I did let my frustration show and get shorter with her which I know I shouldn't have and am annoyed at myself for but I couldn't help it at the time. Finally she agreed to stop talking about it till tomorrow and stopped asking. Fortunately there was something comic happening on tv then and we laughed at it and she got in to that. We stayed 1/4 an hour till around 7.30 before we left so we left while in better mood so hopefully she would be ok.
Hubby and I had to pop by his sisters tonight to pick something up and we stood apart on their drive and had a chat for a while. They asked about mum and we told them a bit about how she was, how things are at moment and how we were coping. Afterwards I felt guilty for discussing mum and felt like I was moaning about her behind her back and talking about it being hard on us instead of saying how awful must be for mum.
I was so relieved this morning when got to mums and she was ok and the day went really well till mid afternoon but I've ended it feeling annoyed at myself for not staying calm and gentle as should be when mum was on her questioning loop, guilty for talking about her behind back to in laws and worried about hospital visit and what will happen there. :(
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
824
0
Lytham St Annes
Glad you had a reasonable day......I have to agree with your husband about the op and hospital, I think your Mum will struggle with all of it, and I know she said she should have gone when last offered but she was different then, and I honestly don’t think she is capable of deciding for herself anymore, so really it is up to you to decide for her now.

I hope you manage to speak to relevant people tomorrow x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,932
0
South coast
Dont feel guilty about talking about your mum to your SIL. She is family and family need to know what happening.

OH qualifies for hospital transport when we go for his hospital appointments. It might be worth asking your mums GP if she qualifies for it too.