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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Mumslittlehelper62

New member
Jun 20, 2020
8
0
I am so tired of being called that blooming womans name!!!!!
Mum has been getting me mixed up with other people on and off for a while but for the past fortnight shes been mixing me up with a woman who was partly responsible for mum and dad splitting up.
The woman was part of a couple mum and my dad were friends with about 40 years ago up to 29 years ago when mum thought something was going on between the friend and my dad (there was evidence) and mum and dad split up and mum and the friend haven't been friends since.
But now for the last two weeks mum keeps calling me her name and often talks about my husband as if he is the womans husband and thinks my house is the couples house. My furniture is theirs, Even my Christmas tree which I only bought last year is their tree they have had for years and years.
She keeps telling me (as the old friend) she is going to ring our Andrea, or our Andrea hasn't been to see her, or you've no need to come tomorrow --- because I'll be going to our Andreas. She is constantly refering to our Andrea as someone else not me.
She gets quite annoyed and won't believe that I am her daughter Andrea when I, or hubby, or my sister when she was here last weekend, explain I am not the old friend. She keeps saying she will ring our Andrea and ask her or ring --- and ask her who I am. Then she looks in her bag for something to say who I am or reads her address book to see if it says there who I am. She will read out my address and say you cant live there 999 letsby avenue because our Andrea lives at 999 letsby avenue and you live near me or in (friends village)
The most upsetting and annoying part is that obviously I'm not a fan of the friend and neither was mum for last 29 year so when she realises who she's talking about she isn't happy. It's awkward reminding mum why they are not friends, that her and dad split up 29 year ago and he died 4 year ago. There's no way to avoid telling her either as she gets so confused while talking about things that it has to come out who I am and she gets so het up asking questions about it that you have to answer and reveal I'm Andrea her daughter not the friend. It doesn't sink in properly though and just gets more and more confusing for everyone as she calls me both Andrea and --- in the same sentence.
It's wearing me out, constantly answering questions on the same thing and mum not believing who I am. She just won't stop going round n round it can go on for hours.
It happened a couple of times a day for a few minutes at a time at first, then more times and for longer each day and for the past week she thinks I'm this woman most of the time. And I have the same conversation about fifty times a day now with mum constantly not believing me, getting annoyed and aggressive and then upset.
My sister said at the weekend she was sick of hearing about the friend and didn't know how I could stand it all the time as she couldn't believe how long mum went on for and how confusing it all got.
I am starting to feel like I am going mad and soon won't know who I am.
Sorry for the long ramble but I just wanted to get it out, I have been writing it during another round of --- why hasn't our Andrea been to see me. Do you stay here? Well why isn't our Andrea looking after me. I'll ring her and ask her to do it.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
824
0
Lytham St Annes
I think you did the only thing you could do and that was to leave your Mum in peace as she asked......I understand it’s difficult because you have a routine with things and follow a set pattern most days, but it’s not going to be possible to keep to it now that your Mum has deteriorated.

I think all you can do until social services step up is be guided by your Mum and if she wants you to leave then so be it, if that means she doesn’t get her medication then that is another serious issue that social services need to know about.

But I do think it’s only a matter of time now until serious intervention is needed, you can only do so much and your Mum needs much more now....

Just try to relax and get in the garden in the sunshine.
 

Mumslittlehelper62

New member
Jun 20, 2020
8
0
I can totally relate to your frustration and feelings. I usually get asked which one are you by my mum, my answer ranges from daughter number 2 or whoever you want me to be so long as it's not my sister!
I find repeating myself constantly answering the same question every two minutes very wearing. On the plus side to help.with my anxiety and frustration I've gone back to an old hobby I used to enjoy Papermache! So far I've made a lady with a cone shaped head and square breasts and Red Riding Hood figure who looks more scary than any big bad wolf I've ever seen!
Good luck and hugs.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
I would just turn up before dinner , just acting casually as you would normally , make no mention of this morning , be prepared that she might not want dinner but just a sandwich and tablets and for you to come home again , I would just give her today to be alone and sleep or whatever she wants to do and make the most of a little free time , easier said than done I know , try not to worry too much . 🤗 🤗 X
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,802
0
Sorry today hasn't been brilliant @annielou. if you did go ack I hope your mum had cheered up. I don wonder if you need to think of just getting carers in to do medication and just popping over a couple of times a week. I know your mum needs more help than that, but unless you step back social services won't see that. Certainly worth contacting memory clinic/social services on Monday and telling them what is happening.
Your husband sounds amazing with all the support he's giving you, specially as his own parents need help too. Mine made it very clear he wasn't going to step up to help care for my mother. I don't blame him, he has very bad memories of his parents trying to care for his grandmother when she lived with them when he was a teenager.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,930
0
cornwall
Thanks for the comments on ironing it cheered me up a bit as I'm feeling grumpy. I'm at home at the minute and mums at her house alone.
When I rang after picking up click & collect this morning to say be there in few minutes mum said she had upset tummy and wasn't feeling well. She said it had started mid morning after a cup of tea and she'd last been just over half an hour ago. I thought she'd probably not want to come to ours so thought I'd end up staying at mums and sending hubby home with our shopping to come back later in day.
When we got to mums I gave her tablets, hubby unpacked and wiped down her shopping and then hubby was sat chatting to mum while I put stuff away and emptied washer for her. When hubby mentioned her coming to ours she told hubby she wasn't coming cos was tired and tummy was still hurting. She said she'd been up most of night. She'd been sat on sofa till about 5. When I asked her about it she said she had been up till bout 5 then gone to bed till bout 1/4 past 8 and been up since then. I asked her why and she said she'd been up with her tummy. Hubby said I thought it didn't start till this morning? and mum said she'd felt like it was going to start last night so hadn't gone to bed.
She wasn't too clear about things so it was a bit hard to get proper idea of what happened. My sister rang her this morning about 9 and told me mum was good and chatty and said she'd got up bout 20 past 8 but hadn't been in shower yet cos she was sitting doing her puzzles. She'd made no mention of not sleeping or feeling like had upset tummy then but mum can forget and not say anything for a while if not slept etc, especially to sister. I have feeling mum was up late cos couldn't sleep and tummy didn't start till mid morning. I asked if she'd been sat up cos she were worrying and thinking about stuff or cos of her tummy? Mum said she'd felt like tummy was going to start and couldn't sleep anyway so she sat up cos she's not been sleeping very well lately. So don't know if that's true or just her thinking that was reason she was up.
Either way mum was tired and still had bit of a churny tummy so she wanted to stay home on own and maybe have a nap and she didn't want me to stay with her and hubby go home when I suggested it. We sat and chatted for a bit and hubby asked her again if she wanted come with us but she said she was tired, she'd just stay home and watch tele and maybe nod off. Hubby said you can watch tele with us, its fine if you nod off and we can bring you back whenever you want you don't have to stay long if you don't want. But mum said no she'd rather stay home.
I was wondering what to do about her galantamine tablet she has with lunch, as she had churny tummy I didn't think she'd want any lunch for a while but if I went home there was every chance that she'd just decide to have some but not let me know so I could go back with tablet. I daren't risk leaving it with a note when to take it as that never works with mum, expecting her to look at note and act on it at right time is about as likely as winning the lottery. So I thought maybe today it'd be easier to hold onto tablet and go back later and give it her at dinnertime this evening. I have given it her at dinner instead of lunch once before even though it's supposed to be at same time each day so hope it will be ok.
I told mum we'd go home then and she could ring me if she wanted and if not we'd come back at dinnertime. At first she was ok with us going and coming back to make dinner and give tablet and said she'd ring me if needed me, but then just as we were about to leave she got a bit of the hump and started saying why don't you just leave tablet with a note when to take it. Saying she didn't need me to give her it and she wasn't an imbecile or two years old, she could make a sandwich and take a tablet, she'd just had some tablets so she didn't need any others, she just wanted to be on her own and us to go, she didn't want us to come back later. I told her I wasn't trying to upset her or treat like an imbecile. I tried, even though I know it's pointless, to say that I can't just leave it with a note, I have to check take it right way. I often say memory clinic told me to keep them and give mum them and that nearly all people who have alzheimers someone else gives them their tablets and MC told me I'd to do it as it does sometimes lessen her resistance to me giving her them, MC did say it is better if someone else keeps them and gives mum them rather than mum being in charge of own medication so I've only stretched it a bit.
Mum didn't shout but she was grumpy and didn't agree with me and just kept saying Oh just go Andie. I said I was sorry if upset her I didn't want to upset her. I'd go now and see her later, if she needed me just ring me, she knew where I was. She said she didn't know where I was, she didn't know where I lived. I asked You know how to ring me though don't you? Mum said I might if I have your ringtone but I don't know where you live. (ringtone?? I assumed she meant number) I said I can stay if you like but mum said she didn't want me to stay, so I told her my phone number was in her phone and in her phone book under-- (my name) and mum said Oh yes I have that. I said So you can ring me if you want a chat or need me and she said Ok but just go now Andie.
So Hubby and I have come home, put our shopping away and had lunch, we've been back about an hour and 3/4s now and are just sat on tenterhooks now wondering if she will be ok with us when I ring and go over later and lets me make dinner and give her tablet. Wondering if she'll ring any moment in panic, or ring annoyed at us, or bored and we need to be ready to get up and go over. Hoping she is ok on her own and calmed down and isn't still sat there mad and annoyed at us. Hope she's not thinking we haven't been today and we've abandoned her. Hoping she's feeling ok and not feeling poorly. Hoping she's not confused and wondering whats going on and think she has nobody to ask. I don't want to ring to see if she's ok in case she's nodded off as she could do with sleep if been up last night as she's said been late to sleep lately and I don't want to annoy her either.
So I'll just sit on tenterhooks hoping we did right thing leaving her on own and saving tablet till dinnertime and hoping things go ok later.
Hi. I wouldn’t worry if she misses 1dose. There will be enough in her system.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Thanks for replies @Mumslittlehelper62 @DianeW @Woo2 @Sarasa @TNJJ xxxxx That red riding hood sounds fun x I'll definately tell MC when ring next week about today. I've not started mum on new dose of sertraline yet as hubby rung pharmacy today and they've not received prescription yet. I don't know if MC was posting actual prescription to tesco like they did first few times, or if was sending it electronically like last time, but it's not there yet. I'll get in touch with MC if not come monday. I was wondering if to wait to start it anyway till spoke to MC next week as last few days since I talked to them mum has seemed better, but that was before today when she told me up till 5am and this afternoon when she rang me in tears.
At 5 to 4 this afternoon my mobile rung and mum was in tears. I asked if she is ok and mum said No because I never see you, or it could have been No cos I'll never see you, as I couldn't quite tell for the crying. Whichever one she said it started a very confusing conversation which the basic gist was mum had forgot I'd been and she'd sent me home because she wanted to be on her own and instead mum thought I was moving a long way away and wouldn't see her anymore and she is all alone.
She kept saying but you're moving and when I reassured her I wasn't she'd say someone is moving is it our Andrea? I asked her at one point who she had called and she stuttered her way through a few parts of peoples names and then said I don't know. She kept flitting about during conversation between who she thought I was, 'friend' me, a friend called Andrea, she didn't really know.
I'd tell her I had been this morning and was going to come back at dinner time anyway but would come back over now and she'd say sorry and then thank you and then straight after she'd say Will I still see you sometimes when you move? So I'd tell her again I'm not moving and I'll come see you now. She told me our Andrea was moving or somebody was, I told her nobody was and then she went back to me moving and told me I knew our Andrea had a house but I didn't know where it was and she didn't live in it but she's going to now. Although I don't know where she slept when she lived here, or if she did live here but she was here a lot. I told her I didn't live with her but went everyday and still would as I still live in same house lived in for 25 years and wasn't moving.
It was a very confusing conversation with lots of crying on mums part and lots of me trying to reassure her that I see her every day and still will cos I'm not moving and I had only come home cos she wanted be on her own cos she was feeling tired and yukky and I had intended to go back for dinner and we would come back over now to see her.
When we got to mums she said I'm sorry Andie and I'm sorry Hubby. She was quite subdued for first half hour we were there bless her even though we'd told her it didn't matter when she said sorry a few times. She said she hadn't known what she was doing and where I was, she thought I'd been there this afternoon and then wasn't and she also said she couldn't remember me going today at all.
I asked if she'd had a nap and she said no she'd been trying to do her puzzles at least she thought she had but wasn't really sure what she'd done. She didn't seem to know if her tummy was ok now either when we asked a bit later but then said she'd not been to loo so it must be. She couldn't remember if she'd had any lunch but there were crumbs on worktop in kitchen and pack of beef had been opened in fridge and there was a crisp packet and biscuit wrapper in bin (call me miss marple) She had washed up from this morning and lunch and she'd washed some towels that had been in kitchen earlier and put them on line.
I'd put some washing on airer in bathroom this morning but when I went to loo it wasn't there, mum had no idea where it was at first but then said she'd decided to put it out on line. She'd brought it in and put it in airing cupboard when it was dry. I think this is what she'd probably done before she'd got upset and confused over me visiting before she had rung me at 5 to 4.
Hubby and I have noticed that in an afternoon when she goes to loo or leaves room for a few minutes when she comes back she often either thinks I've just come and 'friend' has gone, or other way round. Also a few times she has gone outside and come back in and been mixed up while I've been there. A couple of times in last month or so she has rung me on an evening asking if my dad had been at her house and also a couple of times rang to ask if I have been, She has thought dad or us have been but then just left and not been sure about it so rung to ask. It happened after we'd gone home on an evening and mum had been out in garden to water plants and then she came back inside and been confused where people were and who had been and rang me confused, Its like leaving the room flips a switch and alters what she thinks.
Some days when she has been thinking I'm friend and she's gone out of room and then come back it's good as she realises it's me there not 'friend' but others it works the other way and when she's on her own and does it like today she has wondered where people are. I think she came in after bringing washing in and didn't know where I was and why she was on her own and that nasty dementia brain made up a reason that I was moving a long way away.
After we'd been there a while this afternoon she seemed to relax a bit and we chatted about tv which we'd put on not long after arriving. I made us some dinner later and gave her her galantamine and then we stayed for another hour and halfish till about 20 to 8. I brought her towels in off the line and locked back door so she didn't have to go out again after I left and we left her watching Jane Mcdonald cruising which she really enjoys. I told her we'd see her tomorrow and hopefully she'll be able to come to our house and mum said she hoped so cos she's not been out for ages. We'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings as we just can't plan anything. Though to be honest plans haven't been very reliable for years because of mums tummy and then moods and memory.
Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day and I hope she gets some sleep tonight. 🤞
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
Oh I’m sorry mum was so upset , you did say that could happen didn’t you . Glad you being there helped her to feel more calm and settled and didn’t make her cross , you did a great job of turning it around . It sounds like the lack of sleep is really have an effect on mum , could you maybe get her some Nytol or the like to try and help her get to sleep . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Yep @Woo2 I had a feeling she'd likely ring up either bored or upset and unfortunately it was upset. She used to take nytol years ago but not sure it'd ok for her to take it now with other medication and I'm not there at bedtime either, but thanks for the idea and trying to help it's really good of you x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
You could ask pharmacist what would be ok with her medication ,and give it to her at teatime or could you get her a lavender plug in or some oil to put on her pillow ? I do feel for you all it’s so hard to see our mums cry and I usually feel ill equipped and powerless to help her , a cuddle always makes mum feel better when she is in the mood . I hope mum crashes out tonight and gets a good nights sleep and you do too and tomorrow is a good day and Mum comes to yours . Big hugs for you 🤗 🤗 You are a very kind caring daughter. X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Another bad day mum ignored my calls this morning and when we got to her house she was in a hump and I could tell by her eyes she had been crying before as her eyes were puffy. According to mum my sister had rung this morning and mum had remembered that my sister had said a while ago that she shouldn’t come to our house anymore because we were fed up. I’d ignored her and come anyway but hubby had agreed with sis and said he was fed up of seeing her all the time. She had hung up this morning on sis and thats why she didnt answer phone. .
Its not true my sister didn’t ring her this morning.Months ago on day last SW visited sis said I needed a break. I needed to be able to go home and spend some time on my own with hubby and couldn’t keep being with mum all the time. It was while we were trying to get mum to accept carers. Afterwards mum thought sis meant she couldn’t see me at all and we both explained we just meant I couldn’t carry on being there all the time and I still wanted to see her loads and she could still come to my house. Hubby wasn’t even there at the time sis said this and afterwards when she brought it up he told her he was happy for her to come to our house.
For some reason it has come in her head today and she has come up with this whole sis ringing thing. She was saying it was ages, years, ago and she said she wouldn't come to mine anymore and hasn’t been since but I go to hers. My sister hasn’t seen her since and when she rings she hangs up. Which is all wrong.
So she won’t come today we tried explaining she does come and we see her everybday and she’s fine with us and we are with her which I know is pointless never reason explain or argue I know but in the moment we can’t help trying. A couple of times she said she might have mixed it up or made it up but to her it felt real. We tried saying well we’re sorry you felt like that but we’re happy for you to come to our house now so will you come. She still kept saying no she didn’t want and kept going back to my sister and hubby had said he was fed up of her and she hadn’t bern since. My sister didn’t care about her and lied through her teeth and she had said it and rung this morning and was lying now saying she hadn’t.
She was ok with me so I told hubby to go home and I’d stay but mum shouted she didn’t want me to stay either. I said You said you’ve not got a problem with me so let me stay but mum said no and if I stayed she’d leave. She was adamant she didn’t want either of us there. I asked what she was going to do if we left and mum said she’d just sit there she wanted to die anyway.
I tried saying you don’t want to be on your own and I’m happy to stay but no. I said we’re happy for you to come to ours but no. Hubby tried saying she didn’t want to be on her own we didn’t want her to be so come with us to our house we’d love you to come but no.
She just wanted us to leave so I said ok we’d go. I told her if she wanted me she could ring me I was in her book under my name and she said I know. I said I loved her and would see her later and mum said she loved me too. So I said well let me stay then but she said NO! And then started again that sis had said that and she couldn’t forget. So I said Ok I’ll go, I’m sorry you’re upset mum I love you lots and you can ring me when you want. I’ll see you later. Mum said Ok. And I followed hubby out.
I gave her her sertraline when we first arrived but we’re back home again wondering what to do about het galantamine at lunch time. I don’t know whether to try going back and seeing if catch her before has lunch but it’s been an hour since we left now and she could have had it and she may still be angry and not want me there or wait and go later this afternoon and see if she ok with us then and give tablet with dinner like yesterday. I’m stuck, I don’t know what to do for best. Sat here in limbo worrying and all because mum has imagined a phone call and remembered something that she misconstrued months ago and made even worse than was originally.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,802
0
So sorry this is carrying on @annielou. My mother did similar, my lovely gentle husband turned into my horrible boyfriend for instance. That’s mainly because he’d made it clear he didn’t want her to move in with us. The fact I agreed and so would mum when she well was neither here or there.
You need to walk away and get onto social service tomorrow to discuss a new care plan.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
590
0
So so sorry you and your poor mum are being put through this by this awful disease. If mum refuses to let you in to give medication you have no choice but to raise urgent concerns with social services. Also you live too far away without a car, to trundle back and forth on the bus to give her medicine and meals without staying. This might be the mini crisis you need to get some help. Good luck, thinking of you all at this horrid time.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,918
0
Yorkshire
Well I rang mum and she answered like nothing had happened. Said she was bout to have lunch I said I was going to go over so she asked if I’d had mine I said not yet, mum asked if hubby was coming too, I didn’t know if she wanted him to so I said if you’re ok with that and mum said Oh yes and when we’ve had lunch I might come back to yours. So hubby and I jumped in car quick and suggested she come back and have lunch at ours and so we’ve brought her over. All was fine no mention of this morning 🤔
 

charliejack

Registered User
Dec 13, 2019
28
0
Hi annielou still following your thread, I don't comment often as I really dont know what to advise as my mom is at the beginning of her journey. I'm sorry you and your mom are struggling, it sounds like she needs more than you can offer.. Is it possible to have carers in 3 times a day maybe to give her the medication? Then maybe you could go down a bit later on. Is your hubby back at work soon, if so how will it work for you if mom keeps sending you away. Difficult one isn't it. I don't know how long your journey is by car but its quite a lot on you both to be coming and going. You deserve to think of yourself and hubby. Saying that you are doing an amazing job xx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,486
0
South East
I’m sorry you had a hard morning , I wouldn’t worry about the galantamine ,it won’t hurt missing the occasional dose . Glad that things are better now . Sending big hugs in place of having anything useful to say . 🤗 🤗 X