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Sugar in her coffee

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
520
I know I am not the first and I won’t be the last but today hurt. Today is my birthday and Mum is totally unaware. Last year she managed to write me a card and remember the date within a few days. So feeling rather sad😞 however I am glad I kept the card from last year.
A happy belated birthday! Dad stopped remembering anyone's birthday a few years ago, I remember the sting of it, but it does fade, I promise. Years ago when dad used to mix up what actual day my birthday was, he would say 'Well, I was there when you were born!'
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
A happy belated birthday! Dad stopped remembering anyone's birthday a few years ago, I remember the sting of it, but it does fade, I promise. Years ago when dad used to mix up what actual day my birthday was, he would say 'Well, I was there when you were born!'
I like what your Dad said. It made me smile
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
520
I like what your Dad said. It made me smile
Bloomin' cheek, I call it. But he was a lot older than most dads so I expect he felt like quite the trendsetter actually being there - and even changing nappies, as I remember from when my little brother came along.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
So today after muddled phone calls over the last week I was able to have a visit through the window. On the positive Mum looked well despite her hair (like the rest of us) getting longer to which she did go on about a few times and the need to find a new hairdresser. I am wondering if she has lost a little weight as she had a jumper tucked Into her trousers. I am having a call with a senior carer tomorrow so I will ask (not really worried about it except she may need some new trousers) She was pleased to see me and liked the biscuit collection and the wine gums I had sent in. She did complain that the staff had been bossing her about with regards to the clothes she was wearing (so I am wondering if she is struggling with clothes nowadays - another question for the carer). I chatted generally about the weather, my garden and other general chit chat and Mum seemed happy enough. She did ask about the ‘other one’ several times again. She also said it was a shame that her son and grandchildren did not come and see her. She said it was years since she had seen the grandchildren. (Brother lives 5 hrs away but apart from her 90th birthday last year she has not seen her grandchildren for years) She also mentioned her missing glasses (she could spot the squirrel across the lawn and could read the card I had taken in so at least I know she is coping without them) I suggested she looked in her drawer or her handbag to which she got up and picked up a small cardboard box. She started to pull out various odds and ends - a photo from when she was on her honeymoon and then the same place 40 years later and she could still recall the story as to how she and Dad found the place again. There was also an odd sock, pair of tights, another envelope, some magazines still in their plastic wrappers and a torn plastic bag but of course no specs. She said it would be nice to go out for lunch or for a walk - I mentioned the nasty bug going round so we couldn’t at the moment and she sorted of accepted it and then mentioned it again about 30 mins later. We had had some smiles during the visit so that was lovely. She was still smiling when I left and we put our hands on our respective sides on the window and blew each other a kiss.
the activity coordinator told me yesterday that Mum will go and ‘tidy’ her room several times a day. I thought I read somewhere that this was a behaviour when a PWD was not stimulated. However I am not sure if the CH could do any more as Mum refuses to participate in most activities. It was something she also constantly did at home in the last 9 months she was there.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Glad you got to see your mum today, sounds like she enjoyed it. Maybe when your mums 'tidying her room' she's looking for things she thinks she should have, or checking her things are still there, or maybe it makes her feel like she's doing something useful? Its a shame she doesn't join more activities as it would probably distract her from it, but maybe she is content doing it rather than bored. I hope so as we don't like to think our loved ones are bored do we 🤞 Did your mum used to be a tidier before dementia? Maybe she can remember cleaning and tidying when she was younger in a vague way and so goes to tidy her room as she thinks that's what she usually does. I've put a lot of maybes there haven't I :oops::rolleyes:
Hope you get answers to your questions tomorrow from senior carer and I hope your mums glasses turn up soon. 🤞🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
That sounds like it was a good visit all in all @Bikerbeth 👍 glad mum liked the biscuits and wine gums .My mum doesn’t tidy her room she gets clothes out all over the place. It will be lovely to be able to get to see her properly and take her for a walk , but through the window is a nice halfway solution at the moment . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
Yes I hope she is content tidying and that is her preference to the activities offered @annielou but I suspect it’s part of that ‘searching’ for past ‘normality’. You are right though Mum was a tidier/cleaner - a bit like you :) rather that the rebellious me who is tidy but I spend more time cleaning my motorbike,
Your Mum @Woo2 sound like my OH - clothes everywhere.
Hope you both have a calm day
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
My mum wasn’t keen on tidying up our house , I did it ! So I don’t expect her to start suddenly tidying 😂 . Thanks @Bikerbeth, my veg have gone bonkers since it’s been cooler , have a huge amount of flies around our carrots so we are expecting them to have been devastated by carrot fly:confused: .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
My mum wasn’t keen on tidying up our house , I did it ! So I don’t expect her to start suddenly tidying 😂 . Thanks @Bikerbeth, my veg have gone bonkers since it’s been cooler , have a huge amount of flies around our carrots so we are expecting them to have been devastated by carrot fly:confused: .
I have a vague hope that carrots might just survive as a planted them between rows of onions which is meant to help. Hope your carrots survive. I ate my first strawberry yesterday :)
Desperately need rain here rather than the tiny amount last night - all my water barrels are empty.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
We have spring onions and shallots right next to carrots so you have given me a little hope . Even the potatoes has masses of flies around them , they are literally everywhere !
Strawberry ..... sore subject . Hubby was watering a couple of days ago and we both said ooh the one strawberry is almost ready , I was tempted to take it indoors to finish off but didn’t , next thing I see our resident blackbird munching it ! He had lost one of his babies the night before courtesy of a Magpie so we thought it was a small treat for him , but I am a little sore about it .
Think more rain is forecast .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
We have spring onions and shallots right next to carrots so you have given me a little hope . Even the potatoes has masses of flies around them , they are literally everywhere !
Strawberry ..... sore subject . Hubby was watering a couple of days ago and we both said ooh the one strawberry is almost ready , I was tempted to take it indoors to finish off but didn’t , next thing I see our resident blackbird munching it ! He had lost one of his babies the night before courtesy of a Magpie so we thought it was a small treat for him , but I am a little sore about it .
Think more rain is forecast .
Beth = 1 strawberry
Blackbirds or Robin = 5 Strawberries
Beth’s OH = 0 o_O
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
Good luck 🤞 , ours is doing fine so far , it is in a pot though , hubby says egg shells do nothing but I like to think they are .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
So today’s phone call began asking ‘when would her little girl be visiting again’ I tried using the nasty bug but she said well the pubs are opening so I don’t see why you can’t come over. We had a chat about that and how you can’t have holidays yet.
then she began talking about her bicycle that was left outside the hospital after she had been knocked off it by a bus. Mum did a lot of cycling when younger so it could have happened or of course it could have been on the news. She was concerned that although it was badly broken it might get stolen. I said I would get OH to collect it and see if he could fix it. She went back to me visiting so this time I said I was back at work and see what I could arrange for next week. The other ‘bug’ reason used to work but I will have to use the ‘work’ one again as she seemed ok with this.
Then the saddest remark was that she would really like to see her grandchildren before she died as she had never seen them. We have had variations on this before, as in She believes that she has not seen them for years. Without trying to obviously correct Mum I try and mention that she saw them on her 90th birthday party last year with her nieces/nephew.
Due to various reasons Mum perhaps only saw grandchildren once or twice a year and then later on when they went off to Uni and moved out of my brother’s home she has perhaps seen them twice. I know it is a topic that has always caused upset and more so now
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Oh bless not the best of calls then 🤗 sorry it was a sad one. It must be so confusing to people in homes who see news about things starting to open and see carers coming and going but then can't have visitors. 🤗
Mum doesn't get the whole social distancing and not going out thing, sometimes she forgets about it all together and others worries she shouldn't even go in her garden. Me and carers going confuses things for her too as when she thinks no one can mix with other people we turn up. She often asks me how come I'm visiting her if we aren't allowed to visit other people and will often say that's why Our Andrea doesn't come cos if someone official tells her not to do something she won't do it she's not like you love.
I think it's a really confusing situation for anyone but for people in homes it's even more so which is such a shame.
Your mums remark about her grandchildren is sad. As we grow up I think we forget to go see our grandparents, we get busy doing other things and just don't realise it's been a long time between visits which is sad. :(
My mum often says she's not seen so and so for years though even when she has. I think when she's sad because she thinks I've not visited, or sometimes when she's realised her mum or my dad aren't alive now, she gets sad and then goes into a I've got nobody mode. She starts saying I've not seen our so and so for years, they never come see me, even if she has seen them and lately she's also started saying her neighbours are moving and leaving her which they're not. I think it's her brain trying to think up more reasons to be sad which is cruel.
Your back at work and saying maybe next week seems a good reason for not visiting and saying OH would pick bike up was brill too, hope they continue to work for quite a while 🤞
I hope the care staff took your mums mind off sad things afterwards and next call is a better one 🤗
 
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Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
You are so right @annielou. Mum sees carers come and go, restrictions eased on the news and does not understand why she can’t go out and have visitors.
I think the ‘I’ve got nobody mode’ is also heartbreaking. I think having me nearby is not enough, she wants my Dad for that special closeness they always had.