Morning everyone,
I've tied myself in knots, trying to work out what provokes/causes aspects of Mil's behaviour, coming at it from the point of view that if you can understand why something is happening, then you have a fighting chance of doing something about it. Trouble is, working out
why is so difficult when Mil's reaity is about 99% delusion based, and that in turn can make her fearful, resentful, paranoid, angry - and always certain that she is completely right in what she believes, and very resistent to any sort of reassurance/distraction/comfort you try to give. I've felt like Red, thinking that the anger is being used to mask her fear at times, and at others I've felt that its not so much that she is using anger, as that anger is her guenuine response to what she believes is happening, just as fear can be, as Essie suggests. And also, as Essie suggests, trying to show her any sort of support and comfort, or trying to reason with her or even argue, seems to be pretty much pointless - any interaction or response, even a negative response, simply fuels whatever her mood is, causing it to get worse and almost seeming like it gives whatever the delusion is a stronger hold on her. I maintain that 'going along' with the particularly 'upsetting' beliefs is the worst thing you can do, despite everything that compassionate communication advises. Rather than belief and sympathy reasuring her, it just reinforces whatever the current fear/belief is, and the anger/distress grows. Time and again, I've found the best option is to remove Mil or us from her immediate environment, and it seems to me that whilst it doesn't always work, often without any response/reaction, without anyone for her to rant at or plead with, whatever it is that she is in a state about can be very quickly forgotten - no matter how upsetting it was at the time. And although its often difficult to just 'walk away', especially when either something very provocative and insulting has been thrown at you you, or (even worse) when she is sat breaking her heart crying with what to her is obviously vey realy worry and fear, I think we have to accept that this is the best way to bring upsetting thoughts (whatever the cause) to an end.
JM, I've asked about services/homes in near-by areas and keep getting told that 'places are limited to non-existent' - its obviously something I need to look at again!.
You know Slugsta, at the moment there are two issues in our local area that have caused quite a lot of argument and debate - one is that absolute millions are being spent on what will be Europes biggest prison, being built in this county, and the other is the issue I mentioned the other day - £5M been allocated to create an art hub. Lots of accusations on how 'short sighted' people are not to think of the 'long term effects' of either project, whether it be from the perspective of a supporter or a protester to either of these issues. I've had various friends inviting me to protest meetings or support meetings, and I have absolutely no patience with any of them and have started to reply with a comment along the lines of
'To be honest, I am so exhausted caring for someone with dementia, 24/7, that I don't care. Now if you (or anyone else) wants to kick up a fuss about the lack of support resources for the elderly and ill in our society, then please do give me a shout - I'm too knackered to keep fighting solo, but I'd be interested in something/anything that involves persuading the local authority to part with a fraction of what is being spent on the 'Art Hub' or the 'Prison', to provide more than the one respite bed for the whole bl**dy county that we currently have. Considering how many of us are going to be impacted by dementia and caring in the not too distant future, I think the current lack of services and funding is actually the truest example of 'short sightedness' that is happening' Oddly enough, that seems to kill any conversation stone dead. As you say, there is something very, very wrong with a society that is OK about spending millions on what are essential 'wasted' or 'non-essential' causes, but which ignores the needs of the sick and the elderly.
Well, I am most definitely a member of the very short hair brigade now - I walked into the hair dressers with a couple of pics that my girls had apporved and said 'Something like these please - whatever will need the least maintenence!', and I let her get on with it. So from hair that was just below shoulder length, its now barely halfway down my neck, heavily layered and very different. Convenience being the most important issue for me, it is nice that youngest and OH both saw it and announced that they thought it was 'lovely' and that it really suits me, so I'm happy. Feels very odd, though, I must admit!
As well as managing to get respite, the meds were quite easily sorted yesterday (yay!). On the surgery issue, the MP involved has announced that there is to be a public meeting. I've asked that we be given the 'facts' about why this is happening before the meeting takes place, so that we are not walking in to it 'blind' but so far, no response.
I picked Mil up to find her with her hair plastered to her head with sweat and her face cherry red, obviously very agitated - but was told she had been 'fine'
In the car journey home, she repeatedly thanked me for getting her 'out of that place', but she didn't say why and I didn't ask! I was more than half expecting a bad evening, but in the true dementia style of you never being able to predict anything, she was actually extremely quiet last night, and very calm. The no barrier on the kitchen did seem to prompt more of the 'needing' to go in there for various imaginary reasons, but it was fairly easy to disuade her and there were no signs of even a mild melt down. Incredibly compliant with getting ready for bed and all quiet afterwards - now that to me, is a really good evening!
Not sure where we are heading today - the photo-buddy I'm off out with fancies plane spotting at Broughton, I'm hoping we can combine that with a walk by the river, heron and general wildlife spotting. Whatever we do, I'm looking forward to getting out!
Hope you all have a good day xxxx