So sorry IzzyJ to see that news. So sad for you, but please don't have any regrets, it's such a merciless disease and we all do our best. Sending you a big hug(((0)))).
So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
So sorry IzzyJ to see that news. So sad for you, but please don't have any regrets, it's such a merciless disease and we all do our best. Sending you a big hug(((0)))).
Oh, OF COURSE! That would explain why it's been so awful here recently after I thought we were doing better. No sleep to speak of for three nights, lots of agonising, insisting we " sort out our differences". What differences? I was indispensable the week before!
Thank you canary.
Oh Izzy, I'm so, so sorry to read of your loss. R-Anne's right - it is an absolutely merciless disease, and like everyone on here, I know you will have done your absolute best - and that is all any of us can do. Sending you masses of sympathy and wishes for strength to get you through the next wee while, please look after yourself, hun and I'l echo JM too, please keep talking and posting if it helps xxxxxxx
R-Anne, I have wondered if Mil always wanting a big family and the fact that she was sadly only able to have the one child has anything to do with the 'babby' fixation. I hadn't taken it as far and wondering if she was looking for her 'lost' babies - that is so sad, if its right, but maybe it would explain the depth and frequency of her fixation x Yep - OH swears that the full moon impacted on the person he supports, and Mil herself certainly hasn't been sweetness and light lately either!
Glad you have got some of your Mum's 'Birthday bash' stuff sorted, Slugsta - just please keep taking it easy, hun x
We had an absolutely awful day with Mil yesterday, I'm afraid
When she came downstairs, we were in the middle of son sorting his gear to return to uni, me about to get ready to take youngest to theatre group, Youngest sorting herself, and OH had just nipped out, thinking that as it was quite early he could get an important errand done before Mil stirred. Anyway, because everyone was busy, she was asked to wait for just 10 minutes for her brekkie - and straight away Mil demanded to know why should she? She would just get her own breakfast, right now, thank you very much. She is more than capable, she insisted - she has to be because if she had to wait for me to get her anything, she would have starved a long time ago I very firmly but calmly asked her to wait in her room as she was being so rude and because kept trying to head towards the kitchen (and I'm not sure how much more shaking and kicking the gate can take!) . She went up, throwning some choice remarks over her shoulder, OH arrived back 2 minutes later, I went up to wash and dress, then came out of the bathroom to find Mil heading back up the stairs again. I got a glare but no response to me asking was she OK, went down to find that she had beendown again and straight away launched into telling OH that she was glad he was back as I had been hitting and punching her! And once again, she had made some really rude comments about me being 'old and ugly' and she couldn't believe her son had married someone like me. OH said her whole tone and attitude was so horrible, that he felt the best thing would be for her go back upstairs and see if she could find the right side of the bed to get out of.
Not a flipping channce! She stayed put, whilst I got youngest to theatre group, only emerging on my return, as OH was running son to the station. Absolutely no change in her behaviour - I honestly don't think she could have been more contrary. I asked her to sit at the table, saying I would bring her porridge and tea - she sat on the sofa. I asked again and it was the 'I'll do it in my own time' routine. I said fine, that I would bring her food and tea when she was at the table, and in the meantime, if the porridge went cold and lumpy, she only had herself to blame. She went and sat down, but then we had the same attitude towards me asking her to tuck her chair in. I kept cool(ish) but boy its a pain, because everything takes so darn long. No pleases or thank you's (so whats new?), quite a few rude comments which I blanked. I asked if she still had the pain in her buttocks (thinking maybe if she was in discomfort it could explain the behaviour) - she responded with why would her bottom be sore - had I been kicking her again? *sigh*.
The plan for the day was that I would get a couple of jobs I wanted sorted done in the morning, then after youngest got home and we had had lunch, we would take Mil to see Shirl, then head out as OH had vouchers from the kids to spend - he wanted a particular pair of boots from the shop, but on Friday we found out local branch didn't have his size, so we wanted to try the branch in Broughton or Chester. First job was to get Mil washed and dressed - took some persuading as though she was adamant she wanted to see Shirl, she was equally adamant that she could wash herself. Got her done, we went down, OH (trying desperately to get Old Red in ship shape for her MOT) went to work on her, I settled Mil with 'Storage wars (a current usual favourite) and tried to crack on with my jobs - Mil was in and out and up and down, and totally fixated on dead people. Did I know that her brother was dead? No, not dead (correcting herself quickly) in hospital and dying? (This particular brother died nearly 30 years ago). Did I know that Mr Mac (she meant her Fil) had died? Could she use the phone to book tickets to Shannon so she could get to the funeral? Could she ring the hospital to see how her husband was - did I know he might die? She had better put her shoes on as OH was taking her to catch a plane to Ireland for her brothers funeral. How was she going to break the news to Shirl that S***'s (OH's) Mum and Dad had both died? Did I have a good black coat she could borrow for the funeral? Her dads funeral, she meant, her brothers isn't till next week . . .
In between, she was repeatedly emptying her handbag, looking for the 'money to pay for the wreath', the 'receipt for the wreath', her cigarettes that she was sure she had in there, her 'make up bag' (because she needed to powder her face before going to the funeral) and - very oddly - the birthday card she wanted to give OH! Several times I caught her at the coat rack, attempting to go through the bags that also hang there, trying to get into the kitchen, pulling cushions off the sofa and generally picking up with anything she spotted, telling me she was either going to tidy it up - or put it in the bin. If anyone asked her to do one thing, she would do the opposite. She remained quite rude (especially towards me), no matter how calm or polite I was and in the end, OH - who had more or less given up on the van, as I had let him know that I wasn't getting anything done - sent her to her room again. She was down after 10 minutes and now sitting on the sofa sobbing over the deaths of everyone from a brother called John (Nope - she never had a brother called that), to her husband, her Father, OH's Mother (?) and her sister in law. (All of these people had passed away at leat 6 years ago and in most cases, over 20 years ago - and of course, as she is 'OH's Mother, she is still very much alive and kicking!).
We seriously contemplated cancelling the plans for the afternoon, but as she had missed Shirl last week and as OH really wanted to get the boots we risked it. All the way to Shirls, Mil messed with her seat belt and handbag and pestered about dead people and missing money/make up/ receipts. She was also continuing with being very rude to me, at one point asking OH where his wife was, and when he told her I was his wife, she again started on how he must have two wives, and how she preferred the 'other one'. I blasted her for that one - sometimes, I just get so sick of the targetted insults and comments As soon as she walked into Shirls she started on about her brother dying and OH jumped in at this point to tell her to stop and calm down. Another old neighbour called in to see Mil, and the first thing she did was ask him about his late wife
We stayed about an hour, headed to Broughton - Mil wasn't too bad at this stage, seemd to have calmed. No joy on his size in the boots there, so on to Chester. And Mil went into overdrive - it was like a rapid fire succession of mini delusions "Why are you going down that street , we need to go there to get to the travel agents. You need to go back that way to get to the bus stop. Cross the road now - the dress shop is on that side. Have you got the coat you need to change? Go down there - I want to go to that butchers. I can't remember where the car is - can we go back there now? The train staion is that way, you're going the wrong way! Can you give me my card so I can pay for the cakes? Ann - Ann - have you got my handbag? I need the money for the clothes out of it". I'm afraid we gave up answering her - she was moving on to the next question before we had answered the last one. We got to the shop, OH found the boots in his size (Yay!) and they had been put on sale so he decided to grab a couple of tops too. Mil said she needed the loo, thankfully there was one in the shop so I took her. After she sat there for 5 minutes she decided that she didn't need to go, got her stood up and sorted, washed her hands opened the door (disabled loo) and she suddenly announced she did have to go afterall. Back in, another 5 minutes - nope, she said she had been mistaken again!
Heading home, again playing with the seat belt and asking for the things she was convinced she had bought, with requests to stop off at the hospital thrown in, so she could see her Dad/brother/husband. Once back, she was again up and down, heading for the kitchen, asking to go home, to the airport and on and on and on about how this person or that person was either dead or dying. Very free with the rude replies and comments, OH and I were both at the stage of getting beyond cross, and even oldest (famed for her patience with her Nan) asked how come we hadn't throttled her yet She did have a bad bout of the runs, having to shoot to the loo 3 times in under 10 minutes, but after the final time, she was (it seemed) right as rain again. We had ordered a take away for tea, by the time it arrived, no way did she want my suggestion of soup/something bland as she had no recollection of her stomach playing up at all. After tea, it was just constant pester and complaint and wailing over more dead people - 9 o'clock was a welcome time, I can tell you! Because we hadn't eaten till 7.30 (the food took an age to arrive!) we left off the porridge. I got strong objections to helping her change for bed, but once there, she did seem to settle. However, 11.30 pm , both OH and I in bed, she waltzed into our room, switching the light on and looking for her husband. OH got her back to her pit, and if she did get up again, I'm afraid I slept through it. Dealing with a day of insults and the deceased had left me absolutely shattered!
I don't know to what extent the upset tummy played into the day - it seemed to come on very quickly and go just as rapidly, and there were no complaints or indications that she felt ill, other than during the brief 10 minutes it seemed to last for. I was most definitely public enemy number 1 in her eyes, for most of the day - but none of us culd work out what I might have done to earn that honour. The going on and on about death and dying was absolutely horrible to contend with, but at the moment it seems to be quite a theme with her. Resistent as always to any form of distraction, its a really depressing and miserable topic to have her fixated on
Oldest going back today, but other than doing the usual Sunday roast at lunch rather than tea time, no plans for today (Oldest woud come home every flipping Sunday for ehr roast if she could!). Hoping that Mil has got the awkwardness out of her system and we get a more relaxing day!
Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
R-Anne, I have wondered if Mil always wanting a big family and the fact that she was sadly only able to have the one child has anything to do with the 'babby' fixation. I hadn't taken it as far and wondering if she was looking for her 'lost' babies - that is so sad, if its right, but maybe it would explain the depth and frequency of her fixation x Yep - OH swears that the full moon impacted on the person he supports, and Mil herself certainly hasn't been sweetness and light lately either!
Glad you have got some of your Mum's 'Birthday bash' stuff sorted, Slugsta - just please keep taking it easy, hun x
We had an absolutely awful day with Mil yesterday, I'm afraid
When she came downstairs, we were in the middle of son sorting his gear to return to uni, me about to get ready to take youngest to theatre group, Youngest sorting herself, and OH had just nipped out, thinking that as it was quite early he could get an important errand done before Mil stirred. Anyway, because everyone was busy, she was asked to wait for just 10 minutes for her brekkie - and straight away Mil demanded to know why should she? She would just get her own breakfast, right now, thank you very much. She is more than capable, she insisted - she has to be because if she had to wait for me to get her anything, she would have starved a long time ago I very firmly but calmly asked her to wait in her room as she was being so rude and because kept trying to head towards the kitchen (and I'm not sure how much more shaking and kicking the gate can take!) . She went up, throwning some choice remarks over her shoulder, OH arrived back 2 minutes later, I went up to wash and dress, then came out of the bathroom to find Mil heading back up the stairs again. I got a glare but no response to me asking was she OK, went down to find that she had beendown again and straight away launched into telling OH that she was glad he was back as I had been hitting and punching her! And once again, she had made some really rude comments about me being 'old and ugly' and she couldn't believe her son had married someone like me. OH said her whole tone and attitude was so horrible, that he felt the best thing would be for her go back upstairs and see if she could find the right side of the bed to get out of.Not a flipping channce! She stayed put, whilst I got youngest to theatre group, only emerging on my return, as OH was running son to the station. Absolutely no change in her behaviour - I honestly don't think she could have been more contrary. I asked her to sit at the table, saying I would bring her porridge and tea - she sat on the sofa. I asked again and it was the 'I'll do it in my own time' routine. I said fine, that I would bring her food and tea when she was at the table, and in the meantime, if the porridge went cold and lumpy, she only had herself to blame. She went and sat down, but then we had the same attitude towards me asking her to tuck her chair in. I kept cool(ish) but boy its a pain, because everything takes so darn long. No pleases or thank you's (so whats new?), quite a few rude comments which I blanked. I asked if she still had the pain in her buttocks (thinking maybe if she was in discomfort it could explain the behaviour) - she responded with why would her bottom be sore - had I been kicking her again? *sigh*.
The plan for the day was that I would get a couple of jobs I wanted sorted done in the morning, then after youngest got home and we had had lunch, we would take Mil to see Shirl, then head out as OH had vouchers from the kids to spend - he wanted a particular pair of boots from the shop, but on Friday we found out local branch didn't have his size, so we wanted to try the branch in Broughton or Chester. First job was to get Mil washed and dressed - took some persuading as though she was adamant she wanted to see Shirl, she was equally adamant that she could wash herself. Got her done, we went down, OH (trying desperately to get Old Red in ship shape for her MOT) went to work on her, I settled Mil with 'Storage wars (a current usual favourite) and tried to crack on with my jobs - Mil was in and out and up and down, and totally fixated on dead people. Did I know that her brother was dead? No, not dead (correcting herself quickly) in hospital and dying? (This particular brother died nearly 30 years ago). Did I know that Mr Mac (she meant her Fil) had died? Could she use the phone to book tickets to Shannon so she could get to the funeral? Could she ring the hospital to see how her husband was - did I know he might die? She had better put her shoes on as OH was taking her to catch a plane to Ireland for her brothers funeral. How was she going to break the news to Shirl that S***'s (OH's) Mum and Dad had both died? Did I have a good black coat she could borrow for the funeral? Her dads funeral, she meant, her brothers isn't till next week . . .
In between, she was repeatedly emptying her handbag, looking for the 'money to pay for the wreath', the 'receipt for the wreath', her cigarettes that she was sure she had in there, her 'make up bag' (because she needed to powder her face before going to the funeral) and - very oddly - the birthday card she wanted to give OH! Several times I caught her at the coat rack, attempting to go through the bags that also hang there, trying to get into the kitchen, pulling cushions off the sofa and generally picking up with anything she spotted, telling me she was either going to tidy it up - or put it in the bin. If anyone asked her to do one thing, she would do the opposite. She remained quite rude (especially towards me), no matter how calm or polite I was and in the end, OH - who had more or less given up on the van, as I had let him know that I wasn't getting anything done - sent her to her room again. She was down after 10 minutes and now sitting on the sofa sobbing over the deaths of everyone from a brother called John (Nope - she never had a brother called that), to her husband, her Father, OH's Mother (?) and her sister in law. (All of these people had passed away at leat 6 years ago and in most cases, over 20 years ago - and of course, as she is 'OH's Mother, she is still very much alive and kicking!).
We seriously contemplated cancelling the plans for the afternoon, but as she had missed Shirl last week and as OH really wanted to get the boots we risked it. All the way to Shirls, Mil messed with her seat belt and handbag and pestered about dead people and missing money/make up/ receipts. She was also continuing with being very rude to me, at one point asking OH where his wife was, and when he told her I was his wife, she again started on how he must have two wives, and how she preferred the 'other one'. I blasted her for that one - sometimes, I just get so sick of the targetted insults and comments
As soon as she walked into Shirls she started on about her brother dying and OH jumped in at this point to tell her to stop and calm down. Another old neighbour called in to see Mil, and the first thing she did was ask him about his late wife We stayed about an hour, headed to Broughton - Mil wasn't too bad at this stage, seemd to have calmed. No joy on his size in the boots there, so on to Chester. And Mil went into overdrive - it was like a rapid fire succession of mini delusions "Why are you going down that street , we need to go there to get to the travel agents. You need to go back that way to get to the bus stop. Cross the road now - the dress shop is on that side. Have you got the coat you need to change? Go down there - I want to go to that butchers. I can't remember where the car is - can we go back there now? The train staion is that way, you're going the wrong way! Can you give me my card so I can pay for the cakes? Ann - Ann - have you got my handbag? I need the money for the clothes out of it". I'm afraid we gave up answering her - she was moving on to the next question before we had answered the last one. We got to the shop, OH found the boots in his size (Yay!) and they had been put on sale so he decided to grab a couple of tops too. Mil said she needed the loo, thankfully there was one in the shop so I took her. After she sat there for 5 minutes she decided that she didn't need to go, got her stood up and sorted, washed her hands opened the door (disabled loo) and she suddenly announced she did have to go afterall. Back in, another 5 minutes - nope, she said she had been mistaken again!
Heading home, again playing with the seat belt and asking for the things she was convinced she had bought, with requests to stop off at the hospital thrown in, so she could see her Dad/brother/husband. Once back, she was again up and down, heading for the kitchen, asking to go home, to the airport and on and on and on about how this person or that person was either dead or dying. Very free with the rude replies and comments, OH and I were both at the stage of getting beyond cross, and even oldest (famed for her patience with her Nan) asked how come we hadn't throttled her yet
She did have a bad bout of the runs, having to shoot to the loo 3 times in under 10 minutes, but after the final time, she was (it seemed) right as rain again. We had ordered a take away for tea, by the time it arrived, no way did she want my suggestion of soup/something bland as she had no recollection of her stomach playing up at all. After tea, it was just constant pester and complaint and wailing over more dead people - 9 o'clock was a welcome time, I can tell you! Because we hadn't eaten till 7.30 (the food took an age to arrive!) we left off the porridge. I got strong objections to helping her change for bed, but once there, she did seem to settle. However, 11.30 pm , both OH and I in bed, she waltzed into our room, switching the light on and looking for her husband. OH got her back to her pit, and if she did get up again, I'm afraid I slept through it. Dealing with a day of insults and the deceased had left me absolutely shattered!I don't know to what extent the upset tummy played into the day - it seemed to come on very quickly and go just as rapidly, and there were no complaints or indications that she felt ill, other than during the brief 10 minutes it seemed to last for. I was most definitely public enemy number 1 in her eyes, for most of the day - but none of us culd work out what I might have done to earn that honour. The going on and on about death and dying was absolutely horrible to contend with, but at the moment it seems to be quite a theme with her. Resistent as always to any form of distraction, its a really depressing and miserable topic to have her fixated on
Oldest going back today, but other than doing the usual Sunday roast at lunch rather than tea time, no plans for today (Oldest woud come home every flipping Sunday for ehr roast if she could!). Hoping that Mil has got the awkwardness out of her system and we get a more relaxing day!
Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
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Ann, being Public Enemy Number One must feel so draining..... And it seems so consistent, a whole day of it would be enough to drive anyone round the bend.
I don't suppose it would help if anyone sat down with her and tried to discover just what's going on in her head. She seems to resent your place in the life of her most treasured person, your husband. Bearing in mind she can't make the connection between the way you and he care for her, and the way you feel for her, does he show her his affection for her as his "treasured" mother? Does she need that sort of reassurance? I know you show her affection, but men don't always show their feelings much. Perhaps she's jealous of you, and it comes out in that horrid way.
I hope she's nicer today.
I don't suppose it would help if anyone sat down with her and tried to discover just what's going on in her head. She seems to resent your place in the life of her most treasured person, your husband. Bearing in mind she can't make the connection between the way you and he care for her, and the way you feel for her, does he show her his affection for her as his "treasured" mother? Does she need that sort of reassurance? I know you show her affection, but men don't always show their feelings much. Perhaps she's jealous of you, and it comes out in that horrid way.
I hope she's nicer today.
Hi Anne - yep, OH and oldest have both tried to ask Mil what I've done, at times when she has been particularly and obviously cross with me - and at times when she has been like that with OH (admittedly rarer, but it still happens) I've tried asking her what on earth he has done. All we ever get is a list of unfounded and untrue accusations, usually about how I or OH have beaten, kicked, hit, starved or otherwise tried to injure her We occasionally get a stubborn 'She (or he) knows fine well what they have done - I'm not going to spell it out!'. If she actually knows herself, she can't seem to tell us. OH is convincd that she realises, on some maybe subconcious level, just how much she is reliant on me and she is resentful about it - but we honestly have no real idea. I must admit, I tend to the view that like a toddler who has had a bad day, she 'takes out' her frustrations on those she perhaps feels safest with. I also must admit that its very easy to find myself wondering if she has ever liked me and that dementia has simply allowed her true feelings to show!
And yes, we are big on cuddles and affection in this family - unless she is being absolutely impossible, OH will always give her a good night hug and tell her he loves her, and we both try to use cuddles and hugs to reassure her, its often our first response if she seems naggy - but then its a case of IF she will let us hug her. Often, she won't. The only time the cuddles are absolutely not given is if she is in her 'He's my husband not my son' zone - simply because she takes that as 'proof' that she is married to him, her response can be totally innapropriate and because when she is acting like that, OH says (and I can understand it) that it just feels too uncomfortable and 'wrong' to try any physical contact.
Hope you get a better day, too, Hun - I'm lucky that I have OH here to share the load with Mil - I can only imagine how very much harder it is for you when you are so often solo with your OH, it must be heartbreaking as well as exhausting xxxx
We occasionally get a stubborn 'She (or he) knows fine well what they have done - I'm not going to spell it out!'. If she actually knows herself, she can't seem to tell us. OH is convincd that she realises, on some maybe subconcious level, just how much she is reliant on me and she is resentful about it - but we honestly have no real idea. I must admit, I tend to the view that like a toddler who has had a bad day, she 'takes out' her frustrations on those she perhaps feels safest with. I also must admit that its very easy to find myself wondering if she has ever liked me and that dementia has simply allowed her true feelings to show!And yes, we are big on cuddles and affection in this family - unless she is being absolutely impossible, OH will always give her a good night hug and tell her he loves her, and we both try to use cuddles and hugs to reassure her, its often our first response if she seems naggy - but then its a case of IF she will let us hug her. Often, she won't. The only time the cuddles are absolutely not given is if she is in her 'He's my husband not my son' zone - simply because she takes that as 'proof' that she is married to him, her response can be totally innapropriate and because when she is acting like that, OH says (and I can understand it) that it just feels too uncomfortable and 'wrong' to try any physical contact.
Hope you get a better day, too, Hun - I'm lucky that I have OH here to share the load with Mil - I can only imagine how very much harder it is for you when you are so often solo with your OH, it must be heartbreaking as well as exhausting xxxx
I don't think it's a matter of never liking you, Ann - it's probably just the contrary nature of in-law emotions coming out. I have a son-in-law I really like/am very very fond of. But I will never love him the way I love my daughter. I think there's always a part of your mind, deeply buried, that acknowledges that this person has the capacity to hurt your beloved child more than any other person on the planet. Or that's how it seems to me. & maybe MiL's occasional confusion about her relationship to OH is connected to the knowledge that he is the person most important to her in the world?
Izzy - hope you are okay.
Izzy - hope you are okay.
Ann, would it be worth you getting in touch with the consultant and asking what dosage of melatonin he would prescribe? You can buy the tablets easily enough I think, so if he thinks it might help why wait for a couple of months - and it could be longer.
I think RAnne and RedLou have made important insights. If your OH is the only surviving child when she wanted a big family and lost the others, then the one son will become exceptionally important and have a huge emotional investment. All her eggs are in one basket, so to speak - and I think RedLou is right, the fact that her son is so important to her could well explain why she is sometimes convinced that he is her husband.
I dont think it is anything that you have done, Ann that upsets her. I suspect that it is just that you are there, getting between her and her special person, that she resents - especially as she is so dependent on you. She regularly (it seems to me) to view your OH as having to choose between you and her and feels betrayed when she perceives him as choosing you. She perhaps worries that she is losing her last baby. Then, of course, her subconscious needs to find a reason for this resentment, anger and fear and confabulates that you are so horrible.
I do hope you can find something to help. It must be so wearing for the whole family.
I dont think it is anything that you have done, Ann that upsets her. I suspect that it is just that you are there, getting between her and her special person, that she resents - especially as she is so dependent on you. She regularly (it seems to me) to view your OH as having to choose between you and her and feels betrayed when she perceives him as choosing you. She perhaps worries that she is losing her last baby. Then, of course, her subconscious needs to find a reason for this resentment, anger and fear and confabulates that you are so horrible.
I do hope you can find something to help. It must be so wearing for the whole family.
Morning.....
IzzyJ…. I am sorry for you loss. My thought are with you xxxx
Slugsta….
I don’t know how to describe my feelings about my in-laws. I dislike the word ‘hate’, but there have been many times I realllly do not like my SiL, and the ‘love’ I did feel is certainly different.
Onlyme…..
No not Autistic as far as I know, but I think she could be a bit B-Polar (not diagnosed?)
Canary….
Thank you for your input… SiL ?FTD , I hope not, but it is possible when you ‘read between the lines’.
I see some of SiLs changes as being ‘in with the wrong crowd’ if that makes sense.
In the past she had got herself ‘friends’ who have husbands and boyfriends who can afford expensive lifestyles…
She feels it is HER RIGHT to have what other people have , and will go on and on until she has her way….
SiL past boyfriends couldn’t afford (neither can the current one really ) to treat her, but she found someone who will do as she says….
He really does love her. Good luck to him.
She was recently (ish) diagnosed with Diabetes, but won’t follow advice, and still stuffs herself
with cakes, biscuits, and other sweet things. She does not care. She knows best.
OOOOO you’ve got me thinking, re ‘missing Babbies’…
MiL lost a baby between two of my BiLs , after having SiL (that I write about) .
She has not started looking for Babbies… yet, but if she does it will make sense.
AnnM….
Sorry to hear about MiL and her inability to ‘wait’. My husband found ‘waiting’ difficult too.
It was really, really difficult, but his Psychologist told me to try and never say things like
‘ Just a minute’… ‘I’ll do it in 5 , 10 minutes’…
Just try and smile reply and say … ‘of course’ , ‘sit down there’…. Or , wait on the couch…
If my reply to my husbands ‘request’ was a number (in minutes), he had no way of knowing just how long 10 minutes was…. In his head I would have been keeping him waiting HOURS.
And saying ‘just a minute’….. in my husbands ‘head’ he really thought I would only be a minute……..
even though he couldn’t, even if he tried count to 60.
It didn’t work all the time, but by not relying with a ‘number answer’ he was not as distressed at being kept waiting. This will only work with certain situations, but it did work some of the time.
Pleases and thank you’s , you’ve reminded me how blinking difficult it is never hearing those small words …
It’s not like you can prompt a thank you, like you would with a toddler
Prompting didn't work with my husband, and he would stare blankly , so I had to give up.
AnnM..... if MiL has had the runs (sorry if you are eating while reading this) , her medication will be going through her system a lot faster, and any 'calming drugs' will be long gone.
Take care xxx
IzzyJ…. I am sorry for you loss. My thought are with you xxxx
Slugsta….
I don’t know how to describe my feelings about my in-laws. I dislike the word ‘hate’, but there have been many times I realllly do not like my SiL, and the ‘love’ I did feel is certainly different.
Onlyme…..
No not Autistic as far as I know, but I think she could be a bit B-Polar (not diagnosed?)
Canary….
Thank you for your input… SiL ?FTD , I hope not, but it is possible when you ‘read between the lines’.
I see some of SiLs changes as being ‘in with the wrong crowd’ if that makes sense.
In the past she had got herself ‘friends’ who have husbands and boyfriends who can afford expensive lifestyles…
She feels it is HER RIGHT to have what other people have , and will go on and on until she has her way….
SiL past boyfriends couldn’t afford (neither can the current one really ) to treat her, but she found someone who will do as she says….
He really does love her. Good luck to him.
She was recently (ish) diagnosed with Diabetes, but won’t follow advice, and still stuffs herself
with cakes, biscuits, and other sweet things. She does not care. She knows best.
OOOOO you’ve got me thinking, re ‘missing Babbies’…
MiL lost a baby between two of my BiLs , after having SiL (that I write about) .
She has not started looking for Babbies… yet, but if she does it will make sense.
AnnM….
Sorry to hear about MiL and her inability to ‘wait’. My husband found ‘waiting’ difficult too.
It was really, really difficult, but his Psychologist told me to try and never say things like
‘ Just a minute’… ‘I’ll do it in 5 , 10 minutes’…
Just try and smile reply and say … ‘of course’ , ‘sit down there’…. Or , wait on the couch…
If my reply to my husbands ‘request’ was a number (in minutes), he had no way of knowing just how long 10 minutes was…. In his head I would have been keeping him waiting HOURS.
And saying ‘just a minute’….. in my husbands ‘head’ he really thought I would only be a minute……..
even though he couldn’t, even if he tried count to 60.
It didn’t work all the time, but by not relying with a ‘number answer’ he was not as distressed at being kept waiting. This will only work with certain situations, but it did work some of the time.
Pleases and thank you’s , you’ve reminded me how blinking difficult it is never hearing those small words …
It’s not like you can prompt a thank you, like you would with a toddler
Prompting didn't work with my husband, and he would stare blankly , so I had to give up.
AnnM..... if MiL has had the runs (sorry if you are eating while reading this) , her medication will be going through her system a lot faster, and any 'calming drugs' will be long gone.
Take care xxx
Its ticking all the boxes....
Also, FTD is often misdiagnosed in the early stages as depression, OCD, bi-polar or Aspergers. Keeping your distance from her is a good idea.
That's what I'm thinking - she knows how she feels (strong attachment to OH, less strong attachment to you, the main caregiver) but she doesn't know why she feels that way. Therefore, the confabulations come through and with no subtlety or perspective to them.
Grace - my mother was, I now think, undiagnosed bi-polar. She was very insecure and demanding, very emotional - could be the life and soul of the party and great fun to be with, or plunge into fiery tempers, which she would inflict on anyone and everyone. But it was always all about her. And material things - a gift - served to put out the tempers. I think it is only now I am beginning to appreciate the effect she had on my life. My brother just shut off from her (and really the whole family) at a fairly early age so had a totally different way of dealing with it. I would recommend his!!
So I'm really delighted to see you putting distance between the in-laws and your own life. Dementia can leave us carers low and lacking in self-confidence (another thing they don't ever mention though there's plenty about the PwD's lack of self-esteem) and it's great to see you standing up for yourself against the in-laws. [Hope that doesn't sound presumptuous.]We (mum when she was well and I) think my dad was bipolar - as he had massive ups and downs, spend spend spend in the ups and sit on the sofa all day for the downs, he was fairly self centered as well. My brother is very self centred and a friend who is a clinical psychologist thinks he is probably on the Asperger's spectrum, these sort of things overlap a lot and I can see the same traits in brother and dad, BUT brother doesn't have the manic ups that my dad had which I understand are classic bi polar, he does suffer from depression. My mum said the ups were alot harder to manage than the downs, he only slept a few hours for months on end, and was a whirling dervish.
Alot of these illnesses merge across spectrums. Ultimately though, whatever the cause, the person on the receiving end suffers, which isn't recognised much only the sufferer.
As they are 'misfirings' in the brain I suppose that is why some of these behaviours are seen in previously normal PWD.
My mum became very self centred for years before her dementia diagnosis. When challenged after dau told her of something wonderful she'd done and mum replied with a comment about herself, mum said I didn't know what else to say. Fits with dementia, but at the time left me with a very upset little girl, who found it hard to like Grandma for a bit. Previously mum would have asked dau about what she'd done.
Alot of these illnesses merge across spectrums. Ultimately though, whatever the cause, the person on the receiving end suffers, which isn't recognised much only the sufferer.
As they are 'misfirings' in the brain I suppose that is why some of these behaviours are seen in previously normal PWD.
My mum became very self centred for years before her dementia diagnosis. When challenged after dau told her of something wonderful she'd done and mum replied with a comment about herself, mum said I didn't know what else to say. Fits with dementia, but at the time left me with a very upset little girl, who found it hard to like Grandma for a bit. Previously mum would have asked dau about what she'd done.
Buckle guards are readily available for seat belts if MIL wont leave the seatbelt alone. They can be brought on Amazon for around £10.
However its suggested that if you do have one installed in the car then the addition of a belt cutter (hidden away from MIL!) is a good idea for emergency situations.
However its suggested that if you do have one installed in the car then the addition of a belt cutter (hidden away from MIL!) is a good idea for emergency situations.
IzzyJ I am so sorry for your loss, big big hugs.
Ann, oh my goodness what a day you had yesterday, my head would have been spinning by the end, I think Grace makes a good point about meds going through Mil quickly with her upset tum and whilst the actual 'upset' bit of her tummy trouble was, thankfully, brief it could have been having an effect prior to that which might account for the voracity of her behaviour. Is it possible to 'ignore' Mil, in the nicest possible way, when she is like this? When you were out and she was asking another question before you had even responded to the previous one it would suggest that she is, at that point, completely unable to connect at all with any interaction, she is simply so consumed in her own 'loop' to the exclusion of all connection with outside factors or distractions and responding/reacting to her is just a huge bloomin' drain on your energy (especially at the moment when you're still not 100%....) - I don't mean to sound mean but it does seem Mil can still get a 'kick' out of reactions to her 'insults/provocations/accusations'. I suppose another possibility for the terrible day (and I am hoping it was only yesterday that was so bad...) is a bad reaction to the new meds, might also account for the upset tummy?
Ann, oh my goodness what a day you had yesterday, my head would have been spinning by the end, I think Grace makes a good point about meds going through Mil quickly with her upset tum and whilst the actual 'upset' bit of her tummy trouble was, thankfully, brief it could have been having an effect prior to that which might account for the voracity of her behaviour. Is it possible to 'ignore' Mil, in the nicest possible way, when she is like this? When you were out and she was asking another question before you had even responded to the previous one it would suggest that she is, at that point, completely unable to connect at all with any interaction, she is simply so consumed in her own 'loop' to the exclusion of all connection with outside factors or distractions and responding/reacting to her is just a huge bloomin' drain on your energy (especially at the moment when you're still not 100%....) - I don't mean to sound mean but it does seem Mil can still get a 'kick' out of reactions to her 'insults/provocations/accusations'. I suppose another possibility for the terrible day (and I am hoping it was only yesterday that was so bad...) is a bad reaction to the new meds, might also account for the upset tummy?
Oh Ann, I was soooooo hoping you would have a calm weekend, especially as you are still far from well. It must be so hard to keep your cool in the face of personal insults all the time As Essie says, it seems that she gets some 'pleasure' out of pressing your buttons and she clearly has enough capacity to know how to do that.
(((RAnne))), I really don't know how you manage to get through each day, especially when you have so little help.
It's great to hear you sounding strong and in control Grace
Hubby was out w*rking by 6am today, came home briefly fora snack lunch, then went back out to play bowls until gone 7pm. So that has given me a very quiet day which I really appreciated. Coffee/lunch with best girl friend tomorrow
As Essie says, it seems that she gets some 'pleasure' out of pressing your buttons and she clearly has enough capacity to know how to do that.(((RAnne))), I really don't know how you manage to get through each day, especially when you have so little help.
It's great to hear you sounding strong and in control Grace
Hubby was out w*rking by 6am today, came home briefly fora snack lunch, then went back out to play bowls until gone 7pm. So that has given me a very quiet day which I really appreciated. Coffee/lunch with best girl friend tomorrow
Ann, I see that MELATONIN is available on the Holland and Barratt website. Is one of their stores near you?
Bill was on Melatonin for quite a long period. It was prescribed by the GP. To be honest I didn't find it made much difference. I thought you might find this old thread interesting. It contains a couple of links.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?67275-melatonin
Edit - I just checked the links and the first no longer works. It might have been this one. It makes reference to Melatonin.
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Insomnia/Pages/Treatment.aspx
If you google NICE guidelines Melatonin you might find the guidelines for your own Health Trust in relation to it.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?67275-melatonin
Edit - I just checked the links and the first no longer works. It might have been this one. It makes reference to Melatonin.
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Insomnia/Pages/Treatment.aspx
If you google NICE guidelines Melatonin you might find the guidelines for your own Health Trust in relation to it.
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Morning all,
Its a good idea about the melatonin, contacting the consultant and seeing if I can buy the correct dose whilst waiting for this 'approval' for it to be allowed on prescription to be granted. The more I think about it, the more I wonder why (as it seems to be so readily available to buy) that the consultant didn't suggest it. Having said that, it also seems that I may have been 'oversold' info on how effective its likely to be, judging from responses on here where it seems to have been less than effective (Thanks for the link, btw, Izzy )
There is, most definitely an aspect of Mil almost acting as though she feels she has to prove she has the - I don't know quite what to call it? The biggest 'claim' on OH, maybe is right? We've been aware of that for quite a while. And yes, I guess that could most definitely be the main reason why she can be so darn awful with me.
Mil's tummy has (fingers crossed) been fine since that one brief time on Saturday, but I'm certain that it probably did impact on her behaviour, both from the point of view of her feeling rough increasing her upset, and because if the meds went 'through her' rather more quickly than they should, then they wold have had less of an impact.
Cheers for the info on the seat belt buckle-guard, 7dayweekend I have looked at them before, and its yet another item on the 'things we need to sort' list xxx
I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment, if I'm honest. 2 weeks ago, the local branch of the large chemist chain I use for Mils meds stopped doing blister packs and I was told I'd have to deal with a branch that's one heck of a distance away. After talking with the GP, it was agreed that considering that blister packs seem to be such an issue for pharmacists, that I would get the meds separately and make up packs myself. I put in the script to do just that, on Thursday - OH went to collect the meds on Friday (Just as the Chemist were closing), nearly all were missing - I'm hoping that when I contact the chemist today, it will be easily sorted, but there is that sinking feeling that this new way of dealing with her meds has only just started and already there are issues I'm glad I put the scripts in over a week early, so at least I have time to sort it!
Then, the 'new' gate for the kitchen has again broken - the catch on the actual frame, where it fixes to the wall, has gone. Beyond repair, byt he looks of it, so the hunt for an alternative is back on. Such a little thing, but so frustrating!
We've now had the definite dates that youngest will be performing in Joseph - they couldn't be 100% confirmed till the licensing board OK's the number and times of performances for each of the two 'choirs' that will take part, so we have just been able to book the tickets - and today I have to phone and see if I can get respite for that date. The last 3 times I've asked for respite, no joy - its fully booked. This is 6 weeks away, but I've actually tossed and turned all night, worrying that when I try to book today, respite isn't going to be available. It will mean another 'battle' to try and find somewhere, and I just don't feel I can face the fight.
And - the real cherry on the cake - on Saturday, we received letters telling us that the GP's at our surgery will not be re-newing their contract with the health board, and so the surgery will close in September. No explanation as to why the GP's there have decided not to re-new, but the assumption is that the health board (which is currently under 'special measures' due to its general incompetence) have done 'something' that has caused it. The surgery is the only one for not just our village, but the adjoining village too, and it also serves several small very rural area's - around 8,000 patients in total. The letter blithely tells us not to worry, the health board will sort 'something', but no indication of what exactly they intend to do. If it were just OH, self and daughter it would be blooming annoying - but add the fact that they are Mil's doctors to the list, and I'm left with a very sick feeling. Her GP is absolutely brilliant, understands her, is supportive and full of common sense, he has a good grip on her meds and the problems we face - and he is just a 3 minute drive down the road away, which means that its easy to get Mil to him most of the time - and when it isn't 'easy', then he will quite happily make the time to come to her. The thought of being 'allocated' to new surgery (with apparently not even the certainty that we will all be passed onto the same surgery as each other), which could be miles away, where I'll have to hope that whoever Mil's GP is, that they will have some understanding of her condition and our situation, I'll have to hope its a surgery that will do home visits when needed and without a fight, hope that the GP can handle any med changes without fuss and basically provide a service that is helpful with minimum stress. The worry of that has added to the 'toss and turn' night I've had.
It just feels like at the moment, all I can see stretching before me, is a massive list of things that I have to 'sort out', and the sinking certainty that none of the list will prove to be straightforward or simple to deal with.
Yesterday, for the most part, no real nastiness from Mil - but very, very cofused and a couple of very odd delusions. The worst of which was that whilst getting her washed, she was absolutely utterly convinced that she had missed two periods and she was sure she was pregnant. I kid you not! And of course, she insisted that her son (OH) was the father - though in her head, he was her boyfriend, not her son. And she was guenuinely distressed and worried about what both her 'boyfriend' and her mother would say, wringing her hands and crying. I tried gently pointing out that she is 74 years old, but the response was 'So - whats that got to do with it?', she simply couldn't understand that ladies of that age just can't get pregnant. I gave up and and whisked through the bathroom routine as quickly as I could and had to leave her, getting dressed in her room, still crying and fretting, still dreadfully upset, hoping that the delusion would be forgotten once she had no one that she could talk to about it it, as I know that talking about her delusions with anyone reinforces them for her. Thankfully, it worked and by the time she came down to breakfast, no more mentions of being pregnant, but just very subdued and inclined to be teary. Last night, we had a lot of 'home' (complete with accusations that we had 'sold her house from under her') and then from about 7pm, she wanted to go to bed - not massively agitated, but so determindly persistent that we had 2 hours of her getting up every couple of minutes and heading for the stairs to go to bed, and then having to argue and persuade her to stay put as it was way too early. With OH back in work today, and youngest going to school, last thing we wanted was a disturbed night again. We were all very glad when 9pm rolled round and we could get her tucked up - and thankfully, all quiet once she was in bed last night. The awful thing was that after she had gone, OH commented that it hadn't been a bad night - over 2 hours of not being able to watch TV. chat, read, or do anything without having to stop every few minutes so that one or the other of us could deal with Mil wanting a lift home, asking for a taxi, or then heading up the stairs for bed (or towards the kitchen, as she occasionally remembered that she needed to take her meds) - and yet we both felt that it hadn't been a bad night? Just one of the things that I was turning over in my head last night as I tried to sleep.
Today, first job trying for respite, then I've booked to get my hair cut - sick of ending up with it unflatteringly scrapped back off my face in a pony tail, because Mils impeccable sense of timing means that she generally needs attention just after I've washed it, and I so often run out of time to style it in any way. So I'm going for short and low maintenence - it will be the first time I've had really short hair in years and years! Following that, I need to sort chemist and meds, then see if I can get hold of anyone over this farce about our surgery - I really don't want to just 'do nothing' and let them sort it out, as they suggested in the letter - absolutely no faith that they won't balls it up, at all! The usual chores, by which time Mil will need picking up, I guess. OH is off tomorrow, and I can see for myself that I'm feeling pretty low, so I've organised a photo-day with a mate, hoping to haul myself out of the doldrums. I'm looking forward to it and just hoping that I don't have to cancel to start the fight for respite again, or deal with issues over the meds or the surgery!
IzzyJ, I've been thinking about you, Hun - I hope you are OK xxxxxx
Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
Its a good idea about the melatonin, contacting the consultant and seeing if I can buy the correct dose whilst waiting for this 'approval' for it to be allowed on prescription to be granted. The more I think about it, the more I wonder why (as it seems to be so readily available to buy) that the consultant didn't suggest it. Having said that, it also seems that I may have been 'oversold' info on how effective its likely to be, judging from responses on here where it seems to have been less than effective
(Thanks for the link, btw, Izzy )There is, most definitely an aspect of Mil almost acting as though she feels she has to prove she has the - I don't know quite what to call it? The biggest 'claim' on OH, maybe is right? We've been aware of that for quite a while. And yes, I guess that could most definitely be the main reason why she can be so darn awful with me.
Mil's tummy has (fingers crossed) been fine since that one brief time on Saturday, but I'm certain that it probably did impact on her behaviour, both from the point of view of her feeling rough increasing her upset, and because if the meds went 'through her' rather more quickly than they should, then they wold have had less of an impact.
Cheers for the info on the seat belt buckle-guard, 7dayweekend
I have looked at them before, and its yet another item on the 'things we need to sort' list xxxI'm feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment, if I'm honest. 2 weeks ago, the local branch of the large chemist chain I use for Mils meds stopped doing blister packs and I was told I'd have to deal with a branch that's one heck of a distance away. After talking with the GP, it was agreed that considering that blister packs seem to be such an issue for pharmacists, that I would get the meds separately and make up packs myself. I put in the script to do just that, on Thursday - OH went to collect the meds on Friday (Just as the Chemist were closing), nearly all were missing - I'm hoping that when I contact the chemist today, it will be easily sorted, but there is that sinking feeling that this new way of dealing with her meds has only just started and already there are issues
I'm glad I put the scripts in over a week early, so at least I have time to sort it!Then, the 'new' gate for the kitchen has again broken - the catch on the actual frame, where it fixes to the wall, has gone. Beyond repair, byt he looks of it, so the hunt for an alternative is back on. Such a little thing, but so frustrating!
We've now had the definite dates that youngest will be performing in Joseph - they couldn't be 100% confirmed till the licensing board OK's the number and times of performances for each of the two 'choirs' that will take part, so we have just been able to book the tickets - and today I have to phone and see if I can get respite for that date. The last 3 times I've asked for respite, no joy - its fully booked. This is 6 weeks away, but I've actually tossed and turned all night, worrying that when I try to book today, respite isn't going to be available. It will mean another 'battle' to try and find somewhere, and I just don't feel I can face the fight.
And - the real cherry on the cake - on Saturday, we received letters telling us that the GP's at our surgery will not be re-newing their contract with the health board, and so the surgery will close in September. No explanation as to why the GP's there have decided not to re-new, but the assumption is that the health board (which is currently under 'special measures' due to its general incompetence) have done 'something' that has caused it. The surgery is the only one for not just our village, but the adjoining village too, and it also serves several small very rural area's - around 8,000 patients in total. The letter blithely tells us not to worry, the health board will sort 'something', but no indication of what exactly they intend to do. If it were just OH, self and daughter it would be blooming annoying - but add the fact that they are Mil's doctors to the list, and I'm left with a very sick feeling. Her GP is absolutely brilliant, understands her, is supportive and full of common sense, he has a good grip on her meds and the problems we face - and he is just a 3 minute drive down the road away, which means that its easy to get Mil to him most of the time - and when it isn't 'easy', then he will quite happily make the time to come to her. The thought of being 'allocated' to new surgery (with apparently not even the certainty that we will all be passed onto the same surgery as each other), which could be miles away, where I'll have to hope that whoever Mil's GP is, that they will have some understanding of her condition and our situation, I'll have to hope its a surgery that will do home visits when needed and without a fight, hope that the GP can handle any med changes without fuss and basically provide a service that is helpful with minimum stress. The worry of that has added to the 'toss and turn' night I've had.
It just feels like at the moment, all I can see stretching before me, is a massive list of things that I have to 'sort out', and the sinking certainty that none of the list will prove to be straightforward or simple to deal with.
Yesterday, for the most part, no real nastiness from Mil - but very, very cofused and a couple of very odd delusions. The worst of which was that whilst getting her washed, she was absolutely utterly convinced that she had missed two periods and she was sure she was pregnant. I kid you not! And of course, she insisted that her son (OH) was the father - though in her head, he was her boyfriend, not her son. And she was guenuinely distressed and worried about what both her 'boyfriend' and her mother would say, wringing her hands and crying. I tried gently pointing out that she is 74 years old, but the response was 'So - whats that got to do with it?', she simply couldn't understand that ladies of that age just can't get pregnant. I gave up and and whisked through the bathroom routine as quickly as I could and had to leave her, getting dressed in her room, still crying and fretting, still dreadfully upset, hoping that the delusion would be forgotten once she had no one that she could talk to about it it, as I know that talking about her delusions with anyone reinforces them for her. Thankfully, it worked and by the time she came down to breakfast, no more mentions of being pregnant, but just very subdued and inclined to be teary. Last night, we had a lot of 'home' (complete with accusations that we had 'sold her house from under her') and then from about 7pm, she wanted to go to bed - not massively agitated, but so determindly persistent that we had 2 hours of her getting up every couple of minutes and heading for the stairs to go to bed, and then having to argue and persuade her to stay put as it was way too early. With OH back in work today, and youngest going to school, last thing we wanted was a disturbed night again. We were all very glad when 9pm rolled round and we could get her tucked up - and thankfully, all quiet once she was in bed last night. The awful thing was that after she had gone, OH commented that it hadn't been a bad night - over 2 hours of not being able to watch TV. chat, read, or do anything without having to stop every few minutes so that one or the other of us could deal with Mil wanting a lift home, asking for a taxi, or then heading up the stairs for bed (or towards the kitchen, as she occasionally remembered that she needed to take her meds) - and yet we both felt that it hadn't been a bad night? Just one of the things that I was turning over in my head last night as I tried to sleep.
Today, first job trying for respite, then I've booked to get my hair cut - sick of ending up with it unflatteringly scrapped back off my face in a pony tail, because Mils impeccable sense of timing means that she generally needs attention just after I've washed it, and I so often run out of time to style it in any way. So I'm going for short and low maintenence - it will be the first time I've had really short hair in years and years! Following that, I need to sort chemist and meds, then see if I can get hold of anyone over this farce about our surgery - I really don't want to just 'do nothing' and let them sort it out, as they suggested in the letter - absolutely no faith that they won't balls it up, at all! The usual chores, by which time Mil will need picking up, I guess. OH is off tomorrow, and I can see for myself that I'm feeling pretty low, so I've organised a photo-day with a mate, hoping to haul myself out of the doldrums. I'm looking forward to it and just hoping that I don't have to cancel to start the fight for respite again, or deal with issues over the meds or the surgery!
IzzyJ, I've been thinking about you, Hun - I hope you are OK xxxxxx
Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
Ann time to talk to your mp about closure of surgery, lack of respite etc affect on their constituents. All totally unacceptable.
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