1. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    NW UK

    jugglingmum.... I don't think SiL (God, I hope not) is showing signs of dementia.
    I think her 'neediness' is coming from being scared , and knowing that she is going to have to start looking after her mum. ... Or make an effort.....

    You would think , wouldn't you, MiL has 2 sons and DiL in the same town as 'mum'.... you would think they would be the first ones to come running if MiL needs anything.

    All of my in laws 'saw' what it was like when my husband had VaD , and other family...
    In law family know what is coming... what to expect...

    They did not visit much in the beginning (even before VaD confirmation diagnosis) after his BIG stroke...
    and when he went on the have lots of TiA's... seizures.... the visits almost stopped .
    They could not cope seeing a strong healthy man (he never smoked, drank very little) , not overweight at all...
    they couldn't cope seeing him 'disabled ' by a stroke.

    When SiL lost (yet another) job , only 2 days week... she lost ' all of her friends'...
    she upsets a lot of people , does not think before she speaks (?? maybe this is dementia??) ...
    goes from one friend to another, to another....
    She will 'hook up' with you if she thinks 'there is something in it for her'....
    BTW..... she never used to be like this at all.
    A few years ago she decided that she would 'look for a man' who was going to treat her like a Princess....

    Poor BF (they live together) is always borrowing money off his dad so he can 'treat SiL' ....
    I NEVER speak about this to anyone (except my sister) , so posting this information on TP is a first for me.

    A few weeks after my husband died, I was going out for the first time with a couple of other widows for a meal (not fancy). SiL finds out I'm going out .... and rings and asks if she can come too.
    I said NO !! ..... 'But whhhhyyyy not '........
    She then said, 'Don't worry... I'll pay for my own food' !!!! ..... You couldn't make it up.

    I then rang the other widows and changed the location (restaurant) we were going to meet at...
    just in case SiL played 'silly whatsits' .... and turned up at the same restaurant.

    Take care everyone xxxx
  2. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Have been following your story, Grace, and when you posted about sil the other day, dementia screamed at me! For your sake, I hope it's not!
    Stay strong, good luck!
  3. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Just been catching up, and noticed that your OH was MIL's successful pregnancy between two miscarriages. Perhaps that explains the lost babby?
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Oh, R-Anne, that's a tremendous insight about Ann's MIL's lost babby. I have heard that delusions about children can be common with dementia but that really makes sense.

    I was just going to say to Ann that sometimes when I have lower back pain, it can radiate up and/or down, so perhaps it's back pain? Or has she had any bowel upsets that might cause her to feel uncomfortable, or hemorrhoids, or anything of that nature? Hope you're able to sort it out.
  5. IzzyJ

    IzzyJ Registered User

    Aug 23, 2015
    Just wanted to tell you that my mum passed yesterday, I guess a year after her dementia became acute. I don't know how I feel yet, it is complete limbo, but I do know that I will always be grateful to you, AnneMac, RedLou and everyone on here who have helped me through these months in so many ways, especially your compassion and understanding. I know I haven't handled it well. Thank you all.
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Sorry to hear that IzzyJ. I'm sure you did your best which is only what we all can manage.

    Sending you strength to get through the funeral.

    Massive Hugs

    And do keep posting if you want to

    JM xx
  7. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry to hear that Izzy. Sending my condolences. x
  8. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    As one of the bizarreties I hope it is okay to offer my very sincere condolences to you IzzyJ on your loss x
  9. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Izzy, I am so sorry to hear your sad news. You coped with your situation in the best way you could. No-one could ask for more than that. Please be very kind to yourself in the coming weeks.

    Ann and JM, it sounds as if you are both still suffering from the effects of that awful bug :( Please get as much rest as you can and don't try to get back to 'normal' activities too soon.

    R-Anne, that was a very insightful comment about MIL's 'babby' confabulations. The effects of multiple miscarriages on someone who desperately wants a big family must be awful.

    Ann, I do hope that the increased meds will bring about some calm days and undisturbed nights.

    Grace, the more you talk about SIL, the more I dislike her!

    Hubs took me to Tesco today so that I could get disposable plates, cups and napkins, several big bottles of 'Lambrini' for a toast and an iced, but not decorated, fruit cake. So that's less for me to mither about! Then we went to Chiquito's for lunch :) Thank you for your kind words. I must learn to take each day as it comes rather than getting overwhelmed by looking at it all together :eek: 'Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof' etc.

    I hope you all have the best possible weekend.
  10. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    IzzyJ. I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum.

    Grace - could your SIL be on the autistic spectrum?
  11. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Izzy - just wanted to send you a hug. You've been a support to all of us here, gracious and thoughtful. - Don't be hard on yourself. Try to sleep and to rest, and take care. x
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Grace - re your SIL
    Her reactions do seem bizarre, but I was most taken with the bit where you said "BTW..... she never used to be like this at all."
    So this is a change?
    The lack of empathy, the blurring of bounderies, the way she is only after what she can get, the inability to think before she speaks (executive function), the loss of yet another job.......
    It all shrieks FTD to me. :(
  13. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Oh, Izzy, I am sorry to hear your news. Please accept my condolences on the death of your mother. I will be thinking of you.
  14. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    So sorry IzzyJ to see that news. So sad for you, but please don't have any regrets, it's such a merciless disease and we all do our best. Sending you a big hug(((0)))).
  15. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Oh, OF COURSE! That would explain why it's been so awful here recently after I thought we were doing better. No sleep to speak of for three nights, lots of agonising, insisting we " sort out our differences". What differences? I was indispensable the week before!
    Thank you canary.
  16. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    So sorry for your loss IzzyJ xx.
  17. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    #4417 Ann Mac, Feb 28, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2016
    Oh Izzy, I'm so, so sorry to read of your loss. R-Anne's right - it is an absolutely merciless disease, and like everyone on here, I know you will have done your absolute best - and that is all any of us can do. Sending you masses of sympathy and wishes for strength to get you through the next wee while, please look after yourself, hun and I'l echo JM too, please keep talking and posting if it helps xxxxxxx

    R-Anne, I have wondered if Mil always wanting a big family and the fact that she was sadly only able to have the one child has anything to do with the 'babby' fixation. I hadn't taken it as far and wondering if she was looking for her 'lost' babies - that is so sad, if its right, but maybe it would explain the depth and frequency of her fixation x Yep - OH swears that the full moon impacted on the person he supports, and Mil herself certainly hasn't been sweetness and light lately either!

    Glad you have got some of your Mum's 'Birthday bash' stuff sorted, Slugsta - just please keep taking it easy, hun x

    We had an absolutely awful day with Mil yesterday, I'm afraid :( When she came downstairs, we were in the middle of son sorting his gear to return to uni, me about to get ready to take youngest to theatre group, Youngest sorting herself, and OH had just nipped out, thinking that as it was quite early he could get an important errand done before Mil stirred. Anyway, because everyone was busy, she was asked to wait for just 10 minutes for her brekkie - and straight away Mil demanded to know why should she? She would just get her own breakfast, right now, thank you very much. She is more than capable, she insisted - she has to be because if she had to wait for me to get her anything, she would have starved a long time ago :rolleyes: I very firmly but calmly asked her to wait in her room as she was being so rude and because kept trying to head towards the kitchen (and I'm not sure how much more shaking and kicking the gate can take!) . She went up, throwning some choice remarks over her shoulder, OH arrived back 2 minutes later, I went up to wash and dress, then came out of the bathroom to find Mil heading back up the stairs again. I got a glare but no response to me asking was she OK, went down to find that she had beendown again and straight away launched into telling OH that she was glad he was back as I had been hitting and punching her! And once again, she had made some really rude comments about me being 'old and ugly' and she couldn't believe her son had married someone like me. OH said her whole tone and attitude was so horrible, that he felt the best thing would be for her go back upstairs and see if she could find the right side of the bed to get out of.

    Not a flipping channce! She stayed put, whilst I got youngest to theatre group, only emerging on my return, as OH was running son to the station. Absolutely no change in her behaviour - I honestly don't think she could have been more contrary. I asked her to sit at the table, saying I would bring her porridge and tea - she sat on the sofa. I asked again and it was the 'I'll do it in my own time' routine. I said fine, that I would bring her food and tea when she was at the table, and in the meantime, if the porridge went cold and lumpy, she only had herself to blame. She went and sat down, but then we had the same attitude towards me asking her to tuck her chair in. I kept cool(ish) but boy its a pain, because everything takes so darn long. No pleases or thank you's (so whats new?), quite a few rude comments which I blanked. I asked if she still had the pain in her buttocks (thinking maybe if she was in discomfort it could explain the behaviour) - she responded with why would her bottom be sore - had I been kicking her again? *sigh*.

    The plan for the day was that I would get a couple of jobs I wanted sorted done in the morning, then after youngest got home and we had had lunch, we would take Mil to see Shirl, then head out as OH had vouchers from the kids to spend - he wanted a particular pair of boots from the shop, but on Friday we found out local branch didn't have his size, so we wanted to try the branch in Broughton or Chester. First job was to get Mil washed and dressed - took some persuading as though she was adamant she wanted to see Shirl, she was equally adamant that she could wash herself. Got her done, we went down, OH (trying desperately to get Old Red in ship shape for her MOT) went to work on her, I settled Mil with 'Storage wars (a current usual favourite) and tried to crack on with my jobs - Mil was in and out and up and down, and totally fixated on dead people. Did I know that her brother was dead? No, not dead (correcting herself quickly) in hospital and dying? (This particular brother died nearly 30 years ago). Did I know that Mr Mac (she meant her Fil) had died? Could she use the phone to book tickets to Shannon so she could get to the funeral? Could she ring the hospital to see how her husband was - did I know he might die? She had better put her shoes on as OH was taking her to catch a plane to Ireland for her brothers funeral. How was she going to break the news to Shirl that S***'s (OH's) Mum and Dad had both died? Did I have a good black coat she could borrow for the funeral? Her dads funeral, she meant, her brothers isn't till next week . . .

    In between, she was repeatedly emptying her handbag, looking for the 'money to pay for the wreath', the 'receipt for the wreath', her cigarettes that she was sure she had in there, her 'make up bag' (because she needed to powder her face before going to the funeral) and - very oddly - the birthday card she wanted to give OH! Several times I caught her at the coat rack, attempting to go through the bags that also hang there, trying to get into the kitchen, pulling cushions off the sofa and generally picking up with anything she spotted, telling me she was either going to tidy it up - or put it in the bin. If anyone asked her to do one thing, she would do the opposite. She remained quite rude (especially towards me), no matter how calm or polite I was and in the end, OH - who had more or less given up on the van, as I had let him know that I wasn't getting anything done - sent her to her room again. She was down after 10 minutes and now sitting on the sofa sobbing over the deaths of everyone from a brother called John (Nope - she never had a brother called that), to her husband, her Father, OH's Mother (?) and her sister in law. (All of these people had passed away at leat 6 years ago and in most cases, over 20 years ago - and of course, as she is 'OH's Mother, she is still very much alive and kicking!).

    We seriously contemplated cancelling the plans for the afternoon, but as she had missed Shirl last week and as OH really wanted to get the boots we risked it. All the way to Shirls, Mil messed with her seat belt and handbag and pestered about dead people and missing money/make up/ receipts. She was also continuing with being very rude to me, at one point asking OH where his wife was, and when he told her I was his wife, she again started on how he must have two wives, and how she preferred the 'other one'. I blasted her for that one - sometimes, I just get so sick of the targetted insults and comments :( As soon as she walked into Shirls she started on about her brother dying and OH jumped in at this point to tell her to stop and calm down. Another old neighbour called in to see Mil, and the first thing she did was ask him about his late wife :rolleyes:

    We stayed about an hour, headed to Broughton - Mil wasn't too bad at this stage, seemd to have calmed. No joy on his size in the boots there, so on to Chester. And Mil went into overdrive - it was like a rapid fire succession of mini delusions "Why are you going down that street , we need to go there to get to the travel agents. You need to go back that way to get to the bus stop. Cross the road now - the dress shop is on that side. Have you got the coat you need to change? Go down there - I want to go to that butchers. I can't remember where the car is - can we go back there now? The train staion is that way, you're going the wrong way! Can you give me my card so I can pay for the cakes? Ann - Ann - have you got my handbag? I need the money for the clothes out of it". I'm afraid we gave up answering her - she was moving on to the next question before we had answered the last one. We got to the shop, OH found the boots in his size (Yay!) and they had been put on sale so he decided to grab a couple of tops too. Mil said she needed the loo, thankfully there was one in the shop so I took her. After she sat there for 5 minutes she decided that she didn't need to go, got her stood up and sorted, washed her hands opened the door (disabled loo) and she suddenly announced she did have to go afterall. Back in, another 5 minutes - nope, she said she had been mistaken again!

    Heading home, again playing with the seat belt and asking for the things she was convinced she had bought, with requests to stop off at the hospital thrown in, so she could see her Dad/brother/husband. Once back, she was again up and down, heading for the kitchen, asking to go home, to the airport and on and on and on about how this person or that person was either dead or dying. Very free with the rude replies and comments, OH and I were both at the stage of getting beyond cross, and even oldest (famed for her patience with her Nan) asked how come we hadn't throttled her yet :rolleyes: She did have a bad bout of the runs, having to shoot to the loo 3 times in under 10 minutes, but after the final time, she was (it seemed) right as rain again. We had ordered a take away for tea, by the time it arrived, no way did she want my suggestion of soup/something bland as she had no recollection of her stomach playing up at all. After tea, it was just constant pester and complaint and wailing over more dead people - 9 o'clock was a welcome time, I can tell you! Because we hadn't eaten till 7.30 (the food took an age to arrive!) we left off the porridge. I got strong objections to helping her change for bed, but once there, she did seem to settle. However, 11.30 pm , both OH and I in bed, she waltzed into our room, switching the light on and looking for her husband. OH got her back to her pit, and if she did get up again, I'm afraid I slept through it. Dealing with a day of insults and the deceased had left me absolutely shattered!

    I don't know to what extent the upset tummy played into the day - it seemed to come on very quickly and go just as rapidly, and there were no complaints or indications that she felt ill, other than during the brief 10 minutes it seemed to last for. I was most definitely public enemy number 1 in her eyes, for most of the day - but none of us culd work out what I might have done to earn that honour. The going on and on about death and dying was absolutely horrible to contend with, but at the moment it seems to be quite a theme with her. Resistent as always to any form of distraction, its a really depressing and miserable topic to have her fixated on :(

    Oldest going back today, but other than doing the usual Sunday roast at lunch rather than tea time, no plans for today (Oldest woud come home every flipping Sunday for ehr roast if she could!). Hoping that Mil has got the awkwardness out of her system and we get a more relaxing day!

    Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
  18. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Ann, being Public Enemy Number One must feel so draining..... And it seems so consistent, a whole day of it would be enough to drive anyone round the bend.

    I don't suppose it would help if anyone sat down with her and tried to discover just what's going on in her head. She seems to resent your place in the life of her most treasured person, your husband. Bearing in mind she can't make the connection between the way you and he care for her, and the way you feel for her, does he show her his affection for her as his "treasured" mother? Does she need that sort of reassurance? I know you show her affection, but men don't always show their feelings much. Perhaps she's jealous of you, and it comes out in that horrid way.

    I hope she's nicer today.
  19. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Hi Anne - yep, OH and oldest have both tried to ask Mil what I've done, at times when she has been particularly and obviously cross with me - and at times when she has been like that with OH (admittedly rarer, but it still happens) I've tried asking her what on earth he has done. All we ever get is a list of unfounded and untrue accusations, usually about how I or OH have beaten, kicked, hit, starved or otherwise tried to injure her :( We occasionally get a stubborn 'She (or he) knows fine well what they have done - I'm not going to spell it out!'. If she actually knows herself, she can't seem to tell us. OH is convincd that she realises, on some maybe subconcious level, just how much she is reliant on me and she is resentful about it - but we honestly have no real idea. I must admit, I tend to the view that like a toddler who has had a bad day, she 'takes out' her frustrations on those she perhaps feels safest with. I also must admit that its very easy to find myself wondering if she has ever liked me and that dementia has simply allowed her true feelings to show!

    And yes, we are big on cuddles and affection in this family - unless she is being absolutely impossible, OH will always give her a good night hug and tell her he loves her, and we both try to use cuddles and hugs to reassure her, its often our first response if she seems naggy - but then its a case of IF she will let us hug her. Often, she won't. The only time the cuddles are absolutely not given is if she is in her 'He's my husband not my son' zone - simply because she takes that as 'proof' that she is married to him, her response can be totally innapropriate and because when she is acting like that, OH says (and I can understand it) that it just feels too uncomfortable and 'wrong' to try any physical contact.

    Hope you get a better day, too, Hun - I'm lucky that I have OH here to share the load with Mil - I can only imagine how very much harder it is for you when you are so often solo with your OH, it must be heartbreaking as well as exhausting xxxx
  20. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    I don't think it's a matter of never liking you, Ann - it's probably just the contrary nature of in-law emotions coming out. I have a son-in-law I really like/am very very fond of. But I will never love him the way I love my daughter. I think there's always a part of your mind, deeply buried, that acknowledges that this person has the capacity to hurt your beloved child more than any other person on the planet. Or that's how it seems to me. & maybe MiL's occasional confusion about her relationship to OH is connected to the knowledge that he is the person most important to her in the world?

    Izzy - hope you are okay.

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