1. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    (((((Hugs))))), JM, feel you need them. I've got plenty!
    I think 2 jays has expressed things very well. I still have problems with things I didn't do! I'm still looking at the paperwork, so join the club! I did print out the Christmas card list this morning so that's a start. Had to sweep the papers on the desk to one side to get the laptop in, though. Then it took me ages to find the on/ off button, you know, top left as usual! Not used it since before trip to Cornwall, then dumped it in study, so remembered to charge it first thing! iPad rules!
    Went to a carers meeting yesterday, well worth my while! No fees, Christmas special (£1.50!), had a Christmas quiz, I won!! There were to be no prizes, but someone gave me a box of matchm....! Raffle, I won a box of Fer....R.....!! My favourite! Saves me getting a box for Christmas. It's bigger than the one I would have got anyway. Definitely glad I went.
    JM, I think I will pot up the tulips, hopefully this weekend. Not sure about putting them out the front, though, herbs ( and gas meter) fill that up! I might move the pot shrub on the right, it's not been doing well recently. If I put them further over, I would hardly ever see them!

    Hope Ann, Grace, Slugsta and RedLou are all OK!

    ImageUploadedByTalking Point1479996658.916155.jpg
  2. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Just very quickly in to say I'm thinking of you 2Jays. Sending happy thanksgiving vibes to Amy. Hugs to Spamar and JM. (Don't beat yourself up!) Fingers crossed for Slugsta and the ongoing move and Grace with, I hope, the non-mithering of the out-laws.

    Will post at more length when I can. xx
  3. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    Thinking of you today 2jays xx.
  4. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    Sending more (((hugs))) for 2jays, hope everything has gone/is going as well as possible. Hope you are remembering those pats on the back that you recommended to Jm.

    (((Hugs))) to you too Jm. Sorry that you have work issues on top of everything else :(

    Amy, I share the hope that you are having a happy and restful Thanksgiving.

    While I'm about it, I'm also sending lots of (((hugs))) to the rest of you, I'm sure you won't say no!

    Things are trundling along here without too much trouble - which always worries me! It is the funeral of BFF's mum tomorrow, a 90 minute drive from here, so that will take up a fair chunk of the day. Aquagym and shopping with Mum first though.
  5. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    2 Jays - hope funeral goes well tomorrow

    Slugsta - hope journey to funeral and back goes OK - am assuming it is just a long journey for you. Aquagym and mum as well in the day sounds very busy.
  6. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Just want to send greetings and good wishes to you all. OH and I arrived at our friends' house last weekend and are having the best possible time imaginable. We were given the option to do nothing for Thanksgiving dinner but were happy to help and we had a lovely dinner and very congenial gathering today. Although we worked hard it wasn't tiring or stressful in the least. Such a change from our own families!

    I am thankful for all the good advice, untiring support, and unlimited and humbling kindness I have received from everyone here on TP. Thank you all so much! With love from Amy.
  7. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Hi everyone,

    2jays - will be thinking of you all day today. I'm sending much love and wishes for strength. This time, everyone is holding your hand tightly xxxxx

    Spamar, glad you got to the funeral, despite the traffic over the last mile - the tulips are a really lovely idea! Lucky you with the choccy's - trouble in this house is they definitely would not last till Christmas! Oh - and hope the 'rant' did both you and your neighbour the world of good - nothing like a good moan to clear the system :D

    JM, sending you absolutely massive ((((((hugs)))))). Your username is one of the most apt I have ever come across on a forum, you just never seem to stop. Add in dealing with not only your job (which sounds pants - I am crossing all fingers and toes hoping that you are able to find something different and less stressful soon and with the minimum of hassle), the family, the house and even with all that, making sure you carve out time so you and your family can fit in the cycling and other activities that you enjoy so much and then throw in trying to support someone with dementia and taking on more or less all of the associated paerwork and bureaucracy that goes with it - 2jays is 100% right - you need to cut yourself some slack, lovey.

    Slugsta, I hope that the funeral today goes well for your BFF and her family - that's a long journey, and combined with your aquagym and visiting Mum, you are going to be shattered, I'm sure - so hoping for light traffic and a stress free journey for you xxx

    Amy, so glad that you are having a lovely Thanksgiving - it sounds just what you need (and deserve!)

    I have had an absolutely manic week, which hasn't gone particularly well, and I am currently so shattered that I feel horrible :( The travelling on Monday and Tuesday made for very long days (though I really enjoyed the team meeting in the middle of it all - I work with some fabulous people!), on Wednesday I started the day with an hours admin, then off out for most of the morning to a meeting, back to more admin, then took an hour to visit Mil (more on that later) then as I was due to start a new project on Thursday, a stop to pick up the materials I needed, home to cook tea, then I vastly underestimated the time it would take to prep for the project, and ended up worrking till after 8pm, getting everything ready. Yesterday started with me having to get dau up and ready to have her at the school before 7a.m. for a trip to Stratford to see The Tempest, then admin, then out to start my first project.

    A bit of background - basically, my job involves me working with groups of young disabled adults. I go to schools, colleges, day centres, universities, youth clubs, wherever really, and offer the chance for young people to take part in a choice of projects, of varying lengths, designed to build confidence, increase skills, and get them involved in their local community, through getting them involved in voluntary work, community based activities and learning opportunities, like life skill workshops. One of the schemes gives the young person a chance to gain City and Guilds certification, another gives the opportunity for things like trips to London, so the young person gets a chance to speak to ministers and MP's about their situation. We support ANY disability, I do all the organising, the facilitating, the research, lead the 'sessions' and am at every activity that I organise. And all is individually tailored around the specific groups and their disabilities. And as we are a charity, we cover all costs and expenses for these young people - its very much a free service for them. All I need in return is for whatever organisation I am working with to identify a group of about 10 people, who meet the age criteria for me to work with, for the organisation to oversee consent forms, for the organisation to fill in the paperwork signifying their agreement and to provide me with the facts and figures to feed back to our sponsers. I've had 3 months to settle and set up contacts, and was expected to start my first project no later than December - which gave me a lot of time!

    Its a flipping fantastic job!

    So, I identified one organisation that seemed particularly keen to work with me, have put in a massive ammount of time and effort over the past 6 weeks to set up my first project with them. I knew the manager of the organisation from years back, didn't like them then, but they were so enthusiastic this time that I brushed aside any concerns. Until the last week, when I'd become worried enough over the non-return of the paperwork and the lack of promised response and confirmation to some queries I'd had, that I'd actually spoken to my own boss about it. And yesterday, I walked into this organisation to find that none of the paperwork had been done, and all of a sudden there were several other issues that in effect will prevent me from continuing with the project with them. The frustration of other staff there was so evident - they were fuming - but the manager was rude and dismissive, and clearly wasn't at all bothered about the fact that their lack of cooperation and effort had basically ruined the whole thing for the young disabled people involved.

    I stayed polite, but I was so angry and upset inside. All that effort, all that organising, all that time - wasted. I'm left with an admin nightmare, lots of arrangements to cancel, including workshops and voluntary opportunities that I'd arranged with other organisations for this group. I had to work till after 6 last night, starting to cope with the fall out, and will have to work part of my day off today. My own boss is livid on my behalf - she is really supportive and knew just how much worked I'd put in - but I can't help but feel that I have really messed up :( Its really knocked me for six, I feel suddenly so low again and its left me doubting my ability to do this job as well as I want too.

    Visited Mil on Wednesday. Due to the on-going refurb at the home, she was in one of the upstairs lounges. She was initially quite calm - the best I've seen her for some time, and she really enjoyed the cake and tea that was served just as I arrived, which I think helped with her mood ( one staff told me as I arrived that she had been 'very upset' earlier). She was also very 'switched on' to start with, introducing to a near by member of staff with not only the right name, but also adding that I was her daughter in law! We had a pretty good 20 - 25 minutes, before firstly 'the war', then concerns about 'this school' and finally 'going home' kicked in. Again, leave taking was difficult, needing a member of staff to run interference - but at least she was calm and seemed to enjoy most of the visit. Maybe she is starting to settle now - I hope so.

    Found a message from the home on the answer machine last night, saying that a social worker will be in touch to discus DOL's for Mil - the message said that all residents have to have this, so assuming its nothing worrying, just another bit of the endless bureaucracy that has to be dealt with :rolleyes:

    My trip to Newcastle, due to happen next week has thankfully been postponed until February - thank goodness, it gives me more time to try and sort out everything after yesterdays nightmare. I have to travel on Tuesday, but not far thankfully, for my monthly supervison and hopefully, other that a run to Birmingham next month, thats all the travelling I'll have to do till after Christmas. I've booked some time off around then and right now, I feel I need it!

    2jays, just to say again that I am thinking of you, hun xxxx

    Love to all, have a good day xxxxx
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Oh Ann, I too am annoyed on your behalf about the way you were messed about at work :mad: Please dont start doubting yourself - this is not your fault.

    Re the DoLS - yes this is just admin. Every resident of a secure dementia unit has to have one. When your MIL asks to "go home" and it doesnt happen she is actually being deprived of her liberty, so she needs the paperwork to say that this is reasonable and for her safety. The emphasis in DoLS is the final letter - safeguarding. It gets reviewed annually and family is asked for input. Mums DoLS was reviewed recently and I got a phone call. There was no problem.
  9. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    2jays, you have been in my thoughts, I hope today went as well as it could (((hugs)))

    Jm, I totally agree with Ann's comments (((hugs))) for you too.

    Spamar, I hope you felt better after the rant :)

    Amy, I'm so glad you are having a great time, it is well overdue :)

    Ann, what a total PITA for you! It sounds as if the person you used to not like has not changed at all. I am very sorry that you have put in so much work to no avail and now have to unravel everything. I am also sorry that the young people were deprived of the opportunity to benefit form your hard work :mad:

    It does sound as if MIL might be settling - I do hope so for her sake and yours!

    Today went well, the people who mattered were pleased. Friend's parents live/d about 30 miles west of here. Although they live in the county town, it has no crem. The nearest one is around 12 miles to the west, so it is quite a long way from us. Friend's bro lives even further west so easier for them, as well as other friends in the same town, rather than coming over here. The mutual friend we took with us has Parkinsons, so it really was a case of 'the lame leading the lame'! So thankful to hubby for doing the driving.

    Mum was fine. She didn't need much shopping today so we took our time over our drinks in Costa's while hubby did our shopping. No word from SS as yet.

    Am shattered now, have spent the evening watching rubbish on the box :eek:
  10. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning all,

    canary, thank you for the reassurance - I thought that might be the case as regards the DOL's, but good to have it confirmed. The thought of more hassle and paperwork and arguing is something I dread!

    Slugsta, so glad the funeral went well, though not surpriased that you ended up so tired.

    Awful couple of days here :( In a nutshell, still struggling to get a little more help from family as regards the house and so on. The last 3 - 4 weeks, I've tended to do around 40 hours a week (I shouldn't be, but at that stage where extra hours now will make a difference later) and yet still done I'd say around 90% of the housework, 100% all the cooking and shopping and all the running round as regards getting youngest to her various trips and outings and so on. I am really tired and knew I was getting really resentful. Each time I've raised the subject, OH and dau have agreed, promises have been made - but nothing has changed. I lost it yesterday - probably because I am so stressed over the work situation too - and blew, good style. OH and dau feel I've gone OTT and want an 'apology' - I've basically told them where to stick it, I'm just so angry, and whilst I probably did come across as over-reacting, having tried being polite, firm, asking nicely and several 'family discussions', I am just so sick of excuses and also feel that them focusing on my reaction is a way of diverting the issue away from the lack of help.

    The atmosphere here is foul and I feel so completely low and fed up. Doing a 'Shirley Valantine' is so fliiping appealing :(
  11. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    Ann, I know it seems wrong now but making peace with your family is definitely the best thing to do as otherwise the row will continue to fester. Stop running around after your daughter and don't do the housework, if you continue to do these jobs nothing will change. Sending you a big hug xxx.
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Oh, Ann. How horrible for you. How about a cleaner? At least that would take some of the work off your hands. If anybody complains about the cost, just say, you are costing me this cos you aren't pulling your weight to OH and dau. Certainly I was expected to do things at around your daus age. Even father did a bit! I suppose your OH is still pretty stressed with his relatively new job, but it's no excuse. It's not even gardening time!

    We've just had a power outage for 30 mins. I was up - been up for a couple of hours - but not washed or dressed. Cut
    out the shower off ( Electric) and dressed, then the power came on again. Why, on a Sunday morning, no wind, no frost, no rain! Better now than later, I suppose. I was just think, OH well, I will get the Christmas cards done! I ve written them all, but have to address the ones for posting!. I've even got some stamps, that is, I found the ones I bought last year!!

    Slugsta, glad the funeral went as well as possible. Not surprised you were tired, after a long drive, your friend and all the emotions of a funeral.
    JM, keep going! Fight through the mire of life as it is still the moment! If I say things to you, I just might follow my own advice!

    Oh, well, better go and put all the electric clocks right!

    ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) all round, looks like we all need them!
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I agree with reedysue, dont do things - especially housework. As I have a mum with Alz who is also in a CH and a husband with FTD my standard of housework is increadably low :eek: , but no-one has died! All the while you are doing it all no-one is aware of the problem. They probably think that they are already doing the lions share of things :rolleyes:
  14. Pegsdaughter

    Pegsdaughter Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    Ann say sorry but you are now going to employ a cleaner therefore there will be less money available for the treats they enjoy visits to zoo etc. Then get the cleaner and enjoy having a clean house and less stressful encounters with reluctant co habit eyes.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  15. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    Ann,make a stand,make a,list and make a rota!List all the tasks that keep your home running,allocate them between the three of you and then only do yours.From reading your posts you are obviously the organiser,that in itself is a chore,having to think of everything.You are running yourself into the ground at the moment and it can't go on.
  16. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Ann :

    Well give them an apology

    With the words...

    I'm sorry

    I'm sorry it's come to this, but I'm not doing any more to help you sort your lives.

    Here is a rota

    My part of the rota is getting the food in and cooking on Wednesdays and Sundays and doing washing on tuesdays.

    The rest is up to you to sort out between yourselves

    :D Yeah like that's going to work

    Hugs xxxxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  17. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    Cleaner is a great idea.And you can send out ironing.
  18. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    #6478 Moonflower, Nov 27, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2016
    Ann, getting a cleaner may well be the way to go. And also, you may have to accept that the house isn't as pristine as it was when you didn't have a "job". One cause of conflict can be that you want help to clean up from people who don't see it urgent cos to them the house isn't too grubby/messy.

    At the moment I regularly work 70/80 hours a week, and my house could be a lot cleaner. I do what I can, the kids sometimes help.

    Do what you see as a priority and leave the rest. If you don't iron their clothes, they can iron themselves or go out crumpled. Daughter can change her bedsheets, or not bother. If you haven't cooked they can cook or get a takeaway. Maybe make a priority of having the room you want to sit in looking nice, so you can relax.

    Oh, and it might be easier if you didn't think of it in terms of them "helping". That implies it's all your responsibility and they are helping you out with it. It's no more your job than it is OH's, or daughters.
  19. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Come to london and we can do lunch and the movies:)

    Seriously though I would consider a cleanerand allocating meals and more take away.

    OH is probably still settling in.
    I am big on sharing roles but sometimes, at least initially, short cuts are less stressful

    Winter is a crappy time for change
  20. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Ann - sorry you are having such conflict with your family. Bti of a ramble below but seeing how we do (or rather don't really) cope may help your thought process.

    We had a cleaner - and we let her go - in theory because the children were old enough to help, in practice because she was breaking things, including a crystal vase worth a good bit which had been a gift from MIL. She also wasn't great at cleaning bathrooms, but did dust very well, personally bathrooms are higher up my list. In 2 hours only basics got done so still had plenty to do.

    Well - the kids didn't help as much as planned - for many reasons, dau moved school, and now with hindsight we know she got ill. Son wasn't really quite old enough, and with his writing issues we made him spend a good chunk of time writing after school. I refuse to hoover - as I'm not doing it all, OH does this, although will still moan about doing it - and sometimes it takes a while before he does it and frankly with a moulting dog looks awful.

    In theory since she started high school, dau has always changed her sheets, and hung out washing, and sorted it and put it away - she does these sometimes, part of being able to tell improvement with iron tablets is that this is happening more often now. Son started high school in Sept and hasn't really started doing much but he is still doing extra writing, and unlike dau, he has lots of friends locally so goes to their house or comes here with them after school before I get home.

    Our house isn't very clean and tidy, but is on a level with many other 'busy' families that do a lot of sport.

    You can't work part time (veering to full time - you need to sort this out with them) and keep a pristine house if you are running dau to activities, and visiting MIL. Step back and see what can change - I food shop on line once a week - if we run out of something we normally manage. I'm lucky in that I can get a lot of clothes shopping done in lunch break (Liverpool city centre has a good choice). There is a lot that can be bought on line.

    Welcome to the sandwich generation, working, kids and elderly parents all to be juggled.

    Son cleaned toilets at Scout camp so maybe I need to give this job to him!

    I've picked up lurgy that OH and dau have had, so should be racing today and I'm not, was in bed yesterday, after starting on bike ride on Friday and going pop on first hill, somehow limped home. son has picked up a tummy bug, which arrived just before bedtime last night. Dau had 3 days off school, OH 2 days off work, so they should be in IPswich now for dau to race, but they aren't. Ground looks nice and firm and venue spectator friendly so if they go next year, maybe we all go and I can meet up with Spamar. On plus side, dau had got over bug 'normally' it seems rather than long dragged out pre iron tablets.

    Slugsta - glad funeral was OK. When FIL died, the service was at a local church and then an hour's journey to the crem, over the border in England, the nearest one in Scotland was 90 mins the other way. I live in a relatively rural area, but close to large urban areas, so one crem is 10 mins away and the other way is 20 mins.

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