1. Harrys daughter

    Harrys daughter Registered User

    Jul 12, 2016
    :D please help me im very thick in body and brain :p our American tp ers use DH please can I ask what it means iv made up darling husband for it :rolleyes:
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    I understand DH as darling husband too

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  3. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Sorry to be inconsistent and confusing with those abbreviations, Harry's daughter! I think of OH (other half) as interchangeable with DH (dear or darling husband) and don't really pay attention to what I type. I will try to be better in future.

    Currently it is dratted or depressed or down in the dumps or something other than dear, as he stayed up most of the night to watch the election returns, and then got up early (and woke me at an inhuman hour) to confirm the bad news, and tossed and turned and sighed so much that I pretended to be asleep, to avoid having to discuss it. I didn't have to look at the returns; if the result had been otherwise, he wouldn't have been so cranky!

    I do not mean to sound shallow or flippant, as he is very upset, but to my way of thinking not sleeping doesn't help, and he is very busy at work this week, and watching the returns come in doesn't change the outcome in any way, so why torment yourself? My spouse/partner/husband doesn't agree with that point of view, and would rather be tormented. That's his choice, but he can be cranky by himself!

    I am sure it's not right to giggle at your or their expense, but the number of you who received lectures on behaviour that your parents engaged in, is rather amusing.

    Ann, after your day, I don't think anyone could blame you for not having the time or energy to visit MIL. Are the staff good about updates when you call them? That was a lifesaver for me, when my mother first went into the care home, and I wasn't visiting.

    Sorry about the mix-up with train times, but I'm glad you're not driving in that sort of weather.

    Our unseasonable stretch of warm weather seems to have ended. It was nice while it lasted! Hope everyone is safe and warm and as well as possible.
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Yes, Amy good weather has ended. It has rained all day here, and most of last night as well. Very depressing.
    I managed to fall over today, in a very wet car park. Thought I'd broken my glasses, that would have been a disaster! How to drive home? Nursing one or two bruises, plus sore shoulders and wrists. Trousers all wet as well, uncomfortable. I am known for falling over, will trip over my own feet if nothing else available! Which is more or less what I did today. It's ages since I fell, was always very careful when OH was not fit.
    Slept most of the afternoon!
    Hope you are all OK! Ann, your new regime leaves me breathless, couldn't do it now!
  5. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Spamar, ouch! I hope no lasting harm was done.
  6. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Tell you later in the week! Just sore, despite full dose of painkillers today! Early night tonight, will see how I am after a nights sleep! Stiff, I guess. However, I went a bit light headed an hour or two afterwards, but blood pressure was fine when I got home. I don't think I banged my head!
  7. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Aaaarrrrgggghhh! I was just finishing a long post when my computer decided to switch itself off to install updates :mad:

    Ouchy! It seems it is the week for falling over. I hope no-one has done any permanent damage.

    (((Spamar))) I'm glad you didn't break your specs! You can do without the added expense, never mind everything else.

    (((Red))) Well done to your OH for collected the ashes for you. I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

    Amy, I am in complete agreement regarding the futility of staying awake to watch the results. I have learned this from my hubby - although he is rather too 'laizes-faire' for my liking at times!

    Ann, it sounds as if you barely have time to breathe at the moment :( I'm glad that work is going well but hope you are managing to prevent it from spilling over into your own time.

    I didn't encourage Mum to vote this time,the polling card had been in full view on her table for several weeks and she had not shown any interest. When she did the dementia test she couldn't name any politicians and said she had never heard of Maggie Thatcher because she had no interest in politics.

    We went to the optician today, Mum just about tolerated the examination - but it was a close-run thing! :rolleyes: She does need new glasses so we picked some (cheap) frames and got those ordered. At a cost of nearly £450 :( She should get a bit of help as I think she is on pension credit. I have asked DWP for a copy of the letter of entitlement so that I can be certain of what she is claiming. I'm afraid I pretended I was Mum rather than faffing about having to send in a copy of the POA and wait for months :eek:

    We had the option of insuring the glasses for 1 year against loss or damage, at a cost of 10% of the full price of the specs. Mum wears her glasses all the time so they are not easy to lose and she has never damaged a pair. Yet. I hope I made the right decision!

    Today I wore my polo necked jumper for the first time in months. I wear a thin one under other tops and it is likely that I will pretty much live in them until next summer. I believe it is due to get a bit warmer over the weekend but will also be wet. Oh well, nothing we can do about it like it or not! :)
  8. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning all,

    Hi Harry's daughter - yep, DH equals 'dear husband', 'darling husband' - and 'damn husband' when he's being a pain :D I've seen it used on a lot of forums, both in the UK and USA :)

    Amy, sorry to hear your DH is making himself miserable with fretting over the election results - though I do understand his frustration and anger, as you say, not sleeping when he has so much on isn't going to help :(

    Big Ouch Spamar - I really hope that you are not so sore today, hun {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}. Weather here is awful - we've had a glimpse of the first snow - though it quickly turned to sleet - and yesterday was extremely cold, with lots of heavy rain. Really not nice - I would much rather have the heat than the cold :(

    I'm sure your Mum should be entitled to help with the opticians cost, Slugsta! The price of glasses through the high street opticians is dreadful - we get the prescriptions, and then go on line to order our glasses. Saves us quite literally hundreds!

    The trip to the coast was worth it yesterday, from a work point of view - and I discovered that I was travelling on an off-peak return, so I was able to change my train times at no extra cost, and got home for just after 5, rather than 6pm. I did make a brief stop, driving back from the train station though - bought some thermal leggings/tights and today I'm going to go and get myself a thermal vest/t-shirt - I've discovered that a lot of the trains I am using are extremely chilly, and after getting soaked yesterday, just walking from the car park into the station, I then sat and dithered for the hour long train journey - very uncomfortable!

    I am tending to go over my hours, this week in particular. I mentioned to my boss that if possible, I'll take some extra time next week, but I do know that I am going to have to be stricter with myself. I am really tired today, but have about 3 hours worth of admin, then a college open 'event' to attend this evening. This afternoon, I'm going to go and see Mil - and, I guess any spare time beyond that will be spent on chasing up her missing clothes, catching up on the housework - and quite probably, the bulk of it will be spent chasing up the school and the issues there. I haven't said anything, but there have been more 'incidents' over the last few weeks - at the moment, it looks like the school are actually taking some action, but I don't trust them any further than I can throw them, so we will see. I could so, so do without this particular issue still dragging on :(

    Hope you all have a good day xxxx
  9. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    #6429 Ann Mac, Nov 10, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2016
    Just been to visit Mil - and it was simply heartbreaking :( We had been warned that she had been 'up and down' - I very much walked in on a 'down'.

    Sat by herself at a table, she thought I was B**** - her much disliked and not-seen-for-years sister in law - at first. Because of how Mil felt about B****, I figured it would be best if I reminded her who I was. Thankfully - and amazingly - as soon as I said my name she identified me as 'S***'s wife'. But then, almost straight away into 'I want to go home, take me home, please take me home, I need to go home, I've left my mother in a state - I need to get home to her'. Tears pouring, grabbing tight hold of my hand, pleading, begging - the home had told me that they have gone to the convelescent story - i.e. that Mil is staying there, on Doctors orders, until she is 'better' . I hope it works better for the staff than it did for me. Over and over and over I repeated the story, telling ehr we love her and that its going to be fine and she will soon be well again - over and over she responded with 'Take me home, Ann - please, please, take me home'.

    And very quickly to 'I don't care - I'm going' - up off her seat and trying to almost run, without the frame. Coaxed her back to the table 5 or 6 times, and then verbal aggression and threats - she was going to make a show of me, I was talking 'B*lls***', I could take her if I wanted, I could lend her sixpence for the train - and worst of all - if it wasn't for me, she would still be living with her son :( She got up again, and slapped at my hands when I tried to guide her to sit back down. Again, the tale that the doctor had said she must stay - she said that it was my doctor not hers, and she didn't have to take any notice.

    The next time she got up, one of the staff stepped in and gave her her frame and Mil stomped off to the far side of the lounge where another staff persuaded her to sit. I said I'd give it 5 minutes then go and say 'hello', hoping she would have forgotten that she had already seen me and got cross with me. I asked the staff that were there how she had been, and was told that today had been bad since she got up. Had she had her prn? Yes - but (the dreaded but not unexpected reply) it seems not to have any effect on her at all. She had smacked at a member of staff and tried to hit someone with her zimmer frame, and been banging on the doors - I'd already seen the bruises on her hands and guessed she had been doing that. And that she is like that a lot of the time, according to the staff - who were taking it all very much in their stride.

    She spotted me and called me over. An elderly gentleman followed me and asked how I was. Mil told him to 'Go away' rudely and started getting agitated with him. Fair play, a member of staff intervened and led the gentleman away. And Mil went straight back in to a repeat of 'take me home', culminating in her stomping off again, this time to the door and banging on it.

    I decided that I wasn't doing her any good and said I would leave. I'd been there maybe 20 minutes. Mil threw a rude 'Goodbye' in my direction and carried on asking the staff to let her out. One led her away saying 'Its this way, love', so I could get out.

    So, I left - the staff were lovely but in total, 3 had had to intervene in just the short time I'd been there. I am grateful that they are that much on the ball. But, poor, poor Mil - she was so distressed and scared and angry - and if she is like that most of the time, it doesn't bear thinking about.

    I left feeling very close to tears and wishing like crazy that I could have kept her here, even while common sense was telling me that she almost certainly would have been no happier or calmer if I had :(
  10. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    #6430 jugglingmum, Nov 10, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2016
    Ann - you need to find whoever on TP has the Guilt Monster stick and give that Guilt Monster a good old bashing.

    You are right she wouldn't be any happier at home and there would only be one of you, not 3 of the staff who intervened and all go home at night.

    I don't know if it helps but try to look at the fact the home are coping with her, and so many staff on hand to know how to distract her. If the care is better than the hospital then that is all you can hope for.

    I know you like to see how she is, but if your visits are distressing her, is it worth taking a step back for a few weeks and not visit, many many posts on TP comment on it taking a long time to settle and seeing relatives in the early weeks distresses them. It will be very hard for you not going, but it may be the best thing for MIL.
  11. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    Oh Ann..I am so sorry for you, OH and MiL.

    Nothing I can say that is likely to help but lots of supportive hugs for you. You have done so much to try and get the best outcome for MiL but this is the disease - not anyone's failings. Take care xx
  12. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Ann....picture this, you are at home with MIL and youngest Mac. MIL has one of these turns and daughter tries to calm her Granny. Granny responds by hitting daughter,(with or without her zimmer)......:eek: :eek:

    Ann.... picture this, MIL is at home with youngest daughter. You are working all day in Manchester. MIL breaks the living room window with her zimmer.

    Ann ... picture this, you are at home. MIL is at DayCare, lashes out at another visitor and is barred from attending any more.

    Ann... picture this, any of the above examples happen, and now you know they can happen. You would have to give up your new job and its salary, no more trips to the zoo. No quiet time at home with OH. Locks on the house doors, locks on the bedroom doors, locks on the kitchen cupboards....wet and soiled laundry day in and day out..... never knowing what the mood of the moment will be.

    I would like to suggest that you stay away for a couple of weeks, give the staff a chance to get to know her and to let her adjust to being there and not being reminded that there is a " home" from which she has, in her mind, been forcibly deprived.

    She is having a very rough passage through her illness.... and sadly you can make her safe, you can give her treats, but you cannot make it any better, it will make you and your family suffer if you let it.

    Ann....let go before it causes you damage.
  13. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Ann wrapping a blanket of squishy hugs round you xxxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  14. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Ann - as you know, 'home' isn't the home she shared with you and OH. Bash the guilt monster with any old stick to hand. ATM dementia is making her perplexed and angry, which is awful, but there is absolutely NOTHING you can do or could have done to change that. If she were at home with you the ONLY thing that would change is that MORE than one person would be having their life ruined by dementia. Hang on to that. Maybe if we lot repeat it often enough it will help to transition that truth from your logical mind to your needlessly guilty heart, sweetie!
    *massive hug*
  15. Harrys daughter

    Harrys daughter Registered User

    Jul 12, 2016
    Can I send you my bashing stick for you to wollup the guilt monster with your amazing and im not alone in reading in oaw what you manage in your life. ...bad spellings im dyslexic sorry x
  16. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Ann, you have done all and more -lots more - than required. You have nothing to get upset about. Mil is better where she is, with 24 hour attention from as many people as required.
    Beat the GM!

  17. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Ann, I'm so sorry that MIL was upset and that you were upset. I know none of this is easy. I agree with every word everyone else has said and echo their sentiments.

    I know you know this, but MIL would be just as bad, IF NOT WORSE, at your house, and your daughter would have to be witness to it, day in and day out, and that just can't be good for any of you. Think about the pumpkin carving party your youngest had a couple of weeks ago, and how that would have worked with MIL at home. Think about the level of stress you all had. Read any of your posts, at random, that you wrote here on this thread while MIL was at home with you.

    You have done everything in your power, and then some, to care for MIL yourself, first at her home, then at yours. You fought to get her the help she needed in hospital and then to a good care home which is doing a good job looking after her and working with you.

    Again, I know you know all that, but thought it might bear repeating.

    I am just so sorry it's all so upsetting.

    I heartily endorse warm layers and tights and whatever it takes, to keep warm. I hate having cold feet/legs. You would think it was still the dawn of train travel in the UK, that they can't heat the wretched things to a comfortable temperature!

    I wanted to say a hearty thank you for all the posts on this thread, and the rest of TP of course, but especially Ann, about laundry. I went to the care home today while was mother was out to lunch (on a lunch outing, not referring to her mental status) so I could sort through her clothes.

    I am fighting the Guilt Monster hard, and it must be busy pestering Ann because it's not too difficult, but still feel some twinges of Worst Daughter Ever as I discovered:

    1) my mother had zero pairs of pants/underpants, except one soiled pair at the bottom of the wardrobe (I took her 20 new pairs five weeks ago) and

    2) although she has plenty of nightgowns, all but one were soiled

    3) the soiling is all fecal, and her toilet seat was stained as well

    I had a brief chat with the duty nurse (he seems to be the unit's second-in-command) and will email the nurse manager as well. I know they are willing to work with me and feel sure we will work this out BUT the thought of her maybe being embarrassed or upset about her soiled underthings, and not having a clean nightgown (in who knows how long?) are upsetting.

    Thanks to TP, I knew to wear gloves to go through her clothes, as I suspected I would find something like this, and to take trash bags with me to put the soiled clothing in. I am sure they would wash her things if I asked them, but I wanted to bring them home and soak and bleach them and see if I could get the stains out. Also thanks to Ann and TP, I knew to wear gloves to treat the clothes, cover my work space with plastic, and have plenty of stain and odor products on hand. And again, thanks to TP, I know that I can let the water into my (front-loading) washer and then stop the wash cycle, to let the clothes soak.

    Luckily I had taken ten new pairs of clean (under)pants with me, so was able to leave those for her, and I purchased as many more as the local shop has. I am way less concerned about buying new (under)pants than I am about hygiene. She clearly cannot clean herself properly after going to the toilet. She has irritable bowel syndrome so it's possible she is having fecal accidents, and/or just her usual amount of diarrhea, but either way, she clearly cannot clean it up and that can't be good. It seems like it's a UTI or a skin problem waiting to happen, surely.

    Now, dear TP, how do I stop smelling it? I didn't touch anything, and was wearing gloves, and have washed my hands multiple times, but I still keep smelling that smell. I expect it's some sort of olfactory hallucination at this point, but....eurgh.

    I found a lot of other things as well, and discovered some items are missing, but that's a matter for another time. More later.

    Maybe we could all get together for some GM bashing? I picture it like a pinata, except bigger and when we break it open, we all get showered in happiness and laughter instead of candy. (Well, maybe in ADDITION to candy. Maybe candy and bottles of wine?)

    Very best wishes to you all.
  18. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    (((Ann))) what a terribly distressing visit for you :( I'm very glad that the staff were coping well with MIL and didn't seem surprised or upset by her behaviour. I'm also very glad that you are not having to deal with this level of distress and aggression in your home. Whatever the GM is telling you, you simply would not have been able to deal with that in any sustainable way.

    I'm sorry that school is still causing problems. I'm so sorry that this is just one more problem for you, rather than being the only thing you have to worry about.

    The thermals sound a good idea, being cold is no fun!

    (((Amy))) what a horrible situation! I nursed for decades - but there are some aromas that seem to seep into your airways and refuse to leave :( How upsetting to think of your mother unable to deal with things herself and being upset or embarrassed by it. Sorry that you are also troubled by missing belongings, it seems to be a recurring theme.

    I lost a long post earlier today and now I can't remember what I lost and/or what I posted yesterday! :eek:

    I was called over to Mum by one of the staff just before 5pm. Mum had fallen whilst in her friend's flat and the paramedics called. Mum had complained that her legs hurt so the advice, understandably, was not to move her.

    It took 2 hours for the paramedic to arrive and keeping Mum on the floor during that time was rather difficult! She is a rather impatient patient and does not tolerate waiting around. The paramedic, when he did arrive, was charming and apologetic. He flirted outrageously with all of us and made us smile :) He declared Mum to be in better condition than the rest of us and escorted Mum and I back to her flat.

    Mum's carer had turned up while the paramedic was there so I had told her to go on and I would do what was needed. By the time I had changed Mum and given her meal + meds it was gone 8pm and I was more than ready for something to eat (as were the cats when I got home!). I'm very glad that there was no damage done - and also that this happened today as we are away for the weekend! Hence I am unlikely to be here again until Sunday afternoon/evening.

    I hope that you all have a good weekend xx
  19. CeliaThePoet

    CeliaThePoet Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Buffalo, NY, USA
    Regarding smells, I have read that some nurses put Vicks Vapo-rub or lip balm under their noses when they know they are in for it.
  20. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Celia, good advice. I'll try a little counter-irritant next time.

    The stains all came out! Hooray for amazing modern detergents and color safe bleach and stain removers and, best of all, a washing machine so I didn't have to do it by hand in a freezing cold stream/washtub/the sink/ugh.

    Slugsta, oh, what a long wait. I'm SO thankful she didn't break anything. It was smart not to move her and to get things checked out.

    I'm sorry, I don't remember about your weekend plans, but I hope whatever you do is great.

    I've just had a good cry over last year's John Lewis Christmas advert (the man in the moon one; I really cried hard; possibly feeling a bit fragile today). There was an article on the NPR website about these. I was ignorant until now. I loved the penguin one! Sorry if this is rushing Christmas things but nobody will compel you to click on the link: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-...your-day-with-a-new-christmas-ad-from-the-u-k

    DH/OH/my husband/spouse/partner, has to drive an hour to a satellite location of the company for whom he works, and then work until the small hours of the morning, because somebody messed something up last night. He is not best pleased. Nor am I, after the week he spent working late every night and then the weekend he worked all day, every day. I will be thrilled when this project is finished. Soon. Very soon.

    Can I just tell you that while she likely meant no harm, that my mother-in-law sent us a card, and the envelope is addressed to "Mr John Smith and Amy?" Again, likely no harm meant, but I was upset by what I found at the care home and wrote my husband a fairly acerbic note on the envelope. In bright red marker. (I kept my own name when I married, so it's not the same as his. I believe my note says something about how I'm neither a footnote to his name, nor an appendage of him. I was pretty annoyed.)

    Well, for at least five or six years after we married, not one of his family members could get it through their heads that I have a different name, or what my name is, or how to spell it (my first OR my last name). I admit my last name is not a common one and a bit tricky, but not long, and my first name is fairly common, although comes in variants. But it's not that difficult! I believe I threatened to return all their mail marked "addressee unknown" and I always make OH open stuff addressed to Mrs Not-my-name. I tell him it must be for his other wife ;)

    My father-in-law always got my name right. Why can't my idiot mother-in-law take one minute to look in her address book and write my name properly?

    Before you ask, I don't know what is in the card. I refuse to open it! I'm sure I get some sort of Petty Passive-Aggressive Medal, but after this summer, I'm still feeling tetchy about his mum.

    Hope I've given someone a giggle, or at least a smirk.

    Ann, hope you're feeling a bit better and that you are home and WARM.

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