• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

So bizarre !

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
Morning everyone,

Slugsta, so glad that your Mum is OK after the fall, but sorry to hear that you have picked up a lurgy from your OH. Fingers crossed that it doesn't linger and you are over it soon. I've always fancied doing one of those murder/mystery weekends, but it doesn't appeal to OH at all, sadly - glad you and your OH enjoyed it though :) You must have been relieved to hear from your son too - thank goodness he is OK and missed the worst of the earthquake!

Its a horrible truth about dementia that as it progresses, behaviours and stages that used to drive you to screaming point with frustration can actually become behaviours and stages that you miss, when your loved one deteriorates and they lose the ability to do the things that once drove you mad :(

I've also got my fingers crossed about the new flat and Alfie and Sky - really hope there isn't a problem with you taking them!

Busy couple of days with work - more glitches with delivery companies. I've been chasing after some stuff that was ordered for me weeks ago, and finally have been told that the delivery company tried to deliver it last month! Only I had no failed delivery slip and the house they said they left it with is (a) right at the far end of the street and (b) claim not to have received any package on my behalf anyway :( Although the name given by the delivery company matches, the chap pointed out that all in the house work full time and were in work when its claimed that the parcel was left at their address - so I need to sort that again.

Other annoying bits to also be tackled today - been brought to a grinding halt by folk who are very keen for me to provide the service for them - but not so keen to sort the paperwork that I need done by them before I can move forward. So frustrating.

I'm just going to work a half day today - after the extra hours I did last week - and will be going to see Mil this afternoon. Can't say I am looking forward to it, but the dread of seeing her is outweighed by wanting to make sure she is OK and the feeling that if I don't go, it feels like she is being abandoned - yep, I know its daft, but its how I feel and not going will make me more stressed than going, IYKWIM. Just hoping that she is more settled and less upset today - though I'm not holding my breath.

Hope you all have a good day xxxxx


Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
South coast of England

Ann, I hope that today's visit went well and that MIL was calmer.

What a PITA about the missing delivery! Don't really see why you have to sort it out - the person who sent the item is the only one who has any sort of contract with the delivery company.

Hubby and I arrived to take Mum out this morning, as usual. Mum was wandering around with a used (wet) pad in the basket of her rollator :)eek: ) and looking upset. I took her back to the flat and asked what the problem was. Mum said she couldn't get the pad to stay in place - that would be because she uses pull-ups now and I removed her knickers (but left the pads there cos she seemed happier that way).

It appeared that Mum had no pull-ups left. This morning's carer had written that Mum had no underwear - but rather than phoning me had simply gone away :mad:

I managed to find a pair of pull-ups in my 'emergency' bag and got Mum dressed, first stop was to get a good supply of pull-ups, including a pack to keep in the warden's office in case of emergencies. When hubby was writing up the shopping list he found an almost full pack of pull-ups in one of the kitchen cupboards! :confused:

When I spoke to the wardens they were in the middle of doing their own referral for Mum to SS. They really don't believe that this is the right place for her anymore - certainly not without a lot more SS input and possibly not even then. I really don't know where we will stand if the HA's Housing Officer asks Mum to leave but SS don't believe she is ready for a CH? We do have an Extra Care scheme quite nearby but I don't think it would suit Mum for long, surely moving her twice in quick succession would not be good for her either?

At least Mum enjoyed her hot choccy and cake and was happier when we left her - despite no longer knowing which day of the week it is, that Thursday follows Wednesday or that she goes to DC on Thursdays :(

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
Slugsta, how on earth do the carers expect you to do anything about a situation (like no underwear), if they don't TELL you? Surely they could phone or text or email or something??? I haven't dealt with carers so don't know the answer to this one but surely it's common sense. Thank goodness you were able to sort it out. Your poor mum.

I am not sure I understand the distinctions between Extra Care, and where your mum is now. I agree that two moves in quick succession is not a good idea for her (or you), if it can be helped.

This isn't at all the same thing, but my mother goes through toilet paper at an amazingly quick rate. Of course the care home supplies toilet paper, but my mother prefers a different brand, so we keep her supplied. Every time we would go to the care home, I would suggest we take more toilet paper. OH would say, no, we just took her some last week, she'll be fine. Then we would get to the care home and there would be no toilet paper. :rolleyes: It didn't take long for OH to agree to always keep a package of toilet paper in the boot/trunk of the car. The point is, how about keeping a pack or two of pull-ups in your car, to lessen the chance of having to make an emergency shopping trip for them?

Any progress on cat flaps and moving and so forth?

Ann, hope you can sort whatever needs sorting and that your visit to MIL was okay today.

Sending good wishes to you all.

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
Morning all,

Slugsta, hope you are over the lurgy now, hun? How ridiculous that the carer didn't contact you about your Mum having no pull ups! Typical though, of poor communication, which seems to be an issue with just about every single 'support' service that we have to deal with :rolleyes: Everytime we visit Mil, I make a point of asking about toiletries and so on, and stress each time that if she is running low on anything, all they have to do is phone us, that we won't mind, that we don't want her to be without anything she needs. Whether or not they actually will - well, we will see.

Worrying for you that the sheltered housing think your Mum needs more support than they can offer now. There is absolutely no sense in a move to somewhere that she could only stay short term, so if moving is what becomes necessary, I hope that SS for once, take a common sense approach.

Any news on your move yet?

Amy, keeping a suply of things like that in the car is a great idea! You know what, I am going to go and buy a selection of toiletries for Mil and keep them in the boot of our car - that way if we ever do walk in there and Mil needs something urgently, we'll have it to hand! Though, the home actually do keep a supply of shampoo's and showergels and so on to hand, and tell me that they allow for the provision of toiletries in the costs - which is something I've never come across with a home before!

Despite the plan to only work a half day yesterday, I managed to find enough to do that in the end, I finished just an hour earlier than usual. However, it was a productive day, so worth it. I headed off to see Mil just after 2pm, and once again, found her sat by herself by the area where the staff tend to sit to do their paperwork. When I went in, it took her several moments to realise who I was - or at least, she then remembered my name - once again, not sure if she had any idea what our connection is. She had had her hair cut and her nails painted, which I felt was positive - of course, when I complimented her, she was certain that her 'friend' had styled her hair for her (telling me that she hadn't had it cut for 'months') and that she had done her own nails, but she was clearly pleased with the admiration, so that was good.

But then she rolled up her right sleeve to show me the skin tears that we had seen on the last visit, and started telling me that they had been made when 'she cut me with the knife'. I tried to distract, and rolled her sleeve back down, starting to rabbit on to her about her 'lovely nails' - she then rolled up her left sleeve and I saw that she now also has 2 or 3 really nasty looking gouges on that arm too, along with a large area of bruising :( I did manage to ask a member of staff how she had acquired the tears. She said she didn't know, but suggested I stop at the office and ask on my way out. She also added that Mil spends a lot of time banging on the doors, walls, tables, windows - and that the bruising at least was probably as a result of that.

I'd taken in a 'peoples friend' magazine for Mil - its one of the few womens magazines that dosn't contain lurid 'real life' stories - and it had a feature on Dublin in it, so I tried to engage Mil in looking at that with me. But, she suddenly spotted a lady at the far end of the room, a visitor, and became certain that it was 'Betty Maloney' (?) and was determined to go and talk to her. When she asked a member of staff to confirm that it was 'Betty' and the staff explained (really nicely) that no, that was 'Cath', Mil very rudely turned to me and told me the staff was stupid because it was 'Betty'. However - quite a shocker - Mil couldn't get up out of the chair to go to the woman - she couldn't seem to find the balance or strength needed to actually get up. Thats the second time I've seen that happen with her since she has been in the home - its a sudden and quite big downturn. I again asked a member of staff - yes, they had noticed that happening, but she added that when Mil is 'agitated', she has no problems with mobility at all, and in fact is often up and almost running, leaving her frame behind most of the time.

Mil was clearly getting a bit tetchy, and a couple of staff came over, including the senior staff, and joined in with me chatting to Mil - full marks, they really do seem on the ball there, each time Mil has got agitated when I've been, staff have been very quick to either place themselves near by or to actually intervene to help distract and calm her. Mil calmed down, slumped back in her seat and sort of zoned out. Talking qietly, the senior staff asked me to clarify who some of the people Mil had been talking about were. She had given them, at various times, the names of both OH, and her B.I.L. as her husband - neither even remotely like Fil's actual name. She was consitant in naming and identifying one of her brothers correctly, but was persisting in using her maiden name to identify herself. I was a bit irked, because the 'This is me' info that I had emailed in had obviously not made it through to the staff. I think that perhaps I need to put together that info, with pics if they can be tracked down, into a book/album, to be left in her room.

It was also suggested that we bring in her TV - we haven't done so, so far, because of Mil's current trick of throwing things in temper - not so much the TV itself, but we figured the remote control could do some damage if lobbed at a person or a window. However, the staff now feel that she would benefit from being able to spend some time in her room, watching TV or DVD's in peace. They agreed that they would take charge of the remote to prevent it being lost - or to stop Mil using it as a missile! We'll also get a bracket to wall mount the telly - just incase Mil progresses to trying to throw bigger objects!

Then 'Home' started. I gave it another 10 minutes, but the agitation grew very quickly, so with the help of the staff, I made my escape. One staff commented that Mil had done well - that she isn't often 'calm' for as long as she had been during the visit. I stopped and asked about the skin tears on my way out, and the manager said that Mil is actually doing it to herself, very deliberately, in temper! That's completely new, but the manager said that she had sadly seen it before in dementia patients, and that they were 'monitoring' it. She reminded me that it was very early days for Mil, that it might actually be months, rather than weeks, before she is more settled. I know she is right, but the thought of Mil being so distressed that she is basically self harming is really, really horrible :(

I've edited this to ask if any of you guys have come across this sort of self-injury in association with dementia - I'm wracking my brain, but I've never heard of this being an issue before and it is worrying me. I don't think that Mil is being mistreated, BTW - although the marks are not where I would expect them to be from Mil grabbing herself and digging nails in, when I've thought about it, it actually would be physically possible for her to do them (although it would be an awkward way for her to grip herself and dig her nails in), and the fact that the home are aware of the marks and monitoring this happening suggests to me that it is certain that Mil doing this to herself :(

OH and I have decided that we will use some of Mil's money to buy her a TV with built in DVD, and also get a selection of films that we think she will be able to watch without them causing her scary delusions - musicals and Disney's are fairly safe. We'll take that in for her on Friday, and I'll add more films to her Christmas present list too. I hope that she is able to enjoy them and it helps to calm her when she is so upset.

Right - better get moving and get youngest up for school.

Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
Last edited:


Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
Just very quickly - there are some posts on here and some scholarly articles on dementia and self-harm, Ann.
Hope you all okay. Think I'm on the home straight with getting arrangements sorted. Been quite stressful. In the interim, we took in a baby hedgehog that was so tiny it wasn't going to survive the winter, but now it has escaped and we think is under the floor boards! Trying to coax it out with delicious hedgehog food but so far, no luck. :confused:


Registered User
Oct 31, 2016
Hi Grace,

Lol - I wish I could say that I'm nice and slim! I'm a fairly 'average' size 14, so hardly Twiggy, I'm afraid. However, Mil is a size 16, and several inches shorter, so its a bit 'pot, kettle, black' when she starts. She is dreadfully pass-remarkable with people she sees when we are out - comments on weight, clothes, hair - and is NOT complimentary at all :( The comments aimed at me, when she is in 'one of those' moods are very definitely meant to sting. The weight is just one of her favoured topics. Another is she will ask if I am married to her son - now I get that all the time, and often, when I confirm that I am, the response from her is 'Oh I didn't know that!' - but when in 'one of those moods', she will reply with 'Well - I didn't think my son would marry someone who looks like you/has a face like yours' :rolleyes: And its not restricted to how I look - I can have changed all the bedding, and she will spot the laundry basket overflowing as I start to get it all through the machine, and pass a remark about she wonders if I'll ever bother actually trying to keep up with the washing? Or - on a Sunday, if I am still in my dressing gown when she gets up - a snappy ' Do you ever bother getting dressed?'. I can hand her a drink and forget 'Thank you' - I'll get 'I bet it nearly killed you, making that for me'! Or, out of the blue, 'Do you not worry that your kids will grow up as lazy as you are?'; 'The problem with you is you don't have a heart - you have a swinging brick'; 'Do you get a kick out of being so cruel'; 'It would kill you to do anything nice for me'; 'Do you ever try and make the house look tidy?'. If I come into the lounge and sit down with a book in the evening I can get 'Do you spend all day sat on your bum reading?'. The tone is always the same, and if either I or OH (when he hears her - she often waits till he is - she thinks - out of earshot before she will make one of those comments) pull her up on what she has said, she will tell us that she was 'just making conversation', or is 'entitled to her opinion' :rolleyes:

On days when she is like that, I end up feeling like I am permently on alert, waiting for the next verbal shot ! Its OK saying, 'its not her, its the dementia', can tell myself that over and over - but, several hours filled with repeated insults and digs does have an impact. Its not all day, every day, by any means, thankfully, though - I honestly don't think I could cope with that, because it does demoralise and leave me feeling very self concious and defensive.

The odd thing is, her care staff have said to me that when she is at day care, she often talks about me in really complimentary terms - so I suppose it could be worse, lol - she could be nice as pie to my face, but be telling others all sorts about me!
Hi Ann

I am steadily reading through various posts / threads and have to say I have just come across this.

I am caring for mum at present with this awful disease.

But the above is a total description of my MIL as a normal person to me !! God help me when she maybe gets this ?? Showing signs ( early at mo ) or maybe she will become a sweet old lady lol

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
Ann, my mother's wonderful neurologist has mentioned, in passing, some types of self-harm behaviours in dementia patients, although not specifically skin tears. I will see him, probably, in December and will make myself a note to ask him about this. I have definitely heard him mention the banging on surfaces (tables, walls, but especially windows and doors) and know that is not uncommon and can cause bruising or skin tears. It sounds like the staff do their best to redirect these sorts of behaviours and the fact that they are monitoring sounds appropriate to me.

I agree, it's crushing to think of your MIL so distressed that she would do this. I am sorry.

The wall mount for the TV is a good idea. We did this with my mother's flat screen television, when we moved her to the new unit in October. I was worried she might try to adjust it and break it or something, but it's been fine. We were careful to place it where it would be direct line of sight from where she likes to sit.

In addition to musicals and Disney-type things, don't overlook nature programmes. I think many people find those are acceptable and as they haven't got people in them, it might be a good choice for MIL. The BBC Planet Earth type series, perhaps? Or would she watch sporting events and would they upset her in any way if she did?

And skip the Sound of Music; it has soldiers in it and you don't need a repeat of her confabulations/delusions of the men with the guns!


Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
Afternoon, just to remind you that The Secret Life of the Zoo, is on 4 tonight at 20:00. The zoo is, of course, Chester!

This pm there has been sunshine, followed by high winds, very heavy rain, a rainbow, yellow sky, yellow pink sky - and now it's getting dark! My oak tree leaves have all turned yellow over one day., guess they will be all on the floor together as well. They'll be a mess. Not sure how many leaves on an oak that's roughly 59'x 50' x50' - but it's a lot!!

Hope everybody is OK as possible, Grace, how are things going?


Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
South coast of England
Afternoon all,

Ann, I'm glad you had a better visit with MIL. How horrible to think of her self-harming in her frustration/fear/anger :( It does sound as if the staff are on the ball and thinking of ways to help MIL settle.

I agree with Amy's suggestion to give The Sound of Music a miss (good thinking Amy!) as men with guns could feed into the old delusions. Wildlife stuff sounds good - as long as she doesn't have any particular phobias (you'd be surprised how often ssssssnakes turn up!) and won't get upset when one animal is eaten by another.

Amy, great idea to have an emergency supply of pull-ups stashed somewhere. I have 1 pair in the car and have put a pack in the staff office. I won't hurt to put more in the car in case there is a problem when the staff are not there (evenings, weekends and banks hols).

Mum has returned from DC recently with the spare pair that she carries gone. I don't mind DC using them - but they do have a whole pack that I took in for Mum's use! Communication breakdown again I suspect.

Grace, I echo Spamar's concern. I do hope that things are going well for you, that your knee is healing well and that the outlaws are leaving you alone.

Thanks for asking how our flat buying is going. I heard today from the EA who is selling the flat, our vendors have had an offer refused but we hope this is just a matter of negotiation. The property they like is empty, so that would be great! The vendors have also emailed all the other freeholders and have had replies from all but one elderly couple. They have said they will go round in person if they haven't heard by tomorrow (an elderly couple who possibly don't rely on internet as much as some of us). Those who have responded have said yes, so it's looking good so far. We will ask our solicitors to make it clear in the contract that this is a vital factor.

It's been dull and damp here but temps still in double figures. I would prefer it cold and dry - but I don't get a vote! :D


Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
West Midlands
Ann : for the last 6 months to a year, mum sat in the dining room with the staff doing their books, but basically on her own. She really didn't "settle" in the lounge with the others. Too much information around, and the need to.... I can't think of the right word.... but have to conform came to mind.....

She did still get taken to activities up until her last fortnight, but mostly sat with her fiddle stuff in the dining room. Very content.

Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
Hi everyone,

Hello Margi29 - Awful for you that you have a Mil who is so unpleasant to you, just as a part of her 'normal' behaviour. The way my Mil is/was with me when she lived here is completely the opposite of the type of person she was pre-dementia - she and I used to have a really good relationship, we were friends - though I admit, and I've said often, that once the dementia progressed to the stage where she was so insulting and horrible with me, it was so bad that I seriously wondered if all the years of friendship and affection hadn't been just an act and and if, in fact, she really had always disliked me and thought such negative things about me. Reading the posts on TP, though, I'm far from being the only carer who has ended up feeeling like that :(

Hiya Red, so glad you are on the final stretch to geting all the arrangements sorted for your Dad - I hope the 'home stretch' is as stress free as possible for you. I also hope that the wee hoglet has turned up! Poor little mite - if he/she does show, might be an idea to contact one of the hedgehog rescue places (if you haven't already), as I gather that rearing an undersized/very young hedgehog can be really tricky.

Cheers Spamar - got the secret Life of the Zoo set on series record, though haven't had chance to watch any of it yet :D We've seen and spoken to the various film crews at the zoo on several visits over the last few months - I'm looking forward to the episode when the first lot of this years 3 litters of baby capybara's make an appearance - we arrived when the babies were about 3 hours old, and already charging round the enclosure ! Channel 4 had managed to film the last couple of babies arriving - apparently Mum was grazing, stopped to pop out her 4 babies in the middle of the paddock - then was back to eating as though nothing had happened. What a trouper :eek: :D

Hopefully, Slugsta, its a case of the last couple simply not having read their emails, and that all will be OK about the kitty's and the new flat. Regarding the pull ups you left for your Mum at DC - did you mark the pack with your Mum's name? There's a good chance that any staff who had been off, even for just a day or so, missed out on the info that there was a pack there for your Mum specifically, and either that the pack is sitting there unused or that the contents have been used for others if the pack hadn't been labeled :( So annoying for you!

Thanks Amy - I actually had Sound of Music on my list of DVD's to get for Mil, but you are right! And I wish I'd seen that, or even had the sense to think a bit harder before I went shopping yesterday afternoon, when amongsth many other DVD's, I bought Mil some DVD's of comedy series that she used to enjoy on TV - including one called 'Dad's Army'! I don't suppose you are familiar with that series, it was about a group of 'Home Guards' (men who were considered too old or too young or in reserved occupations for the regular army and who instead volunteered as a secondary defence force in the UK) - it was a very gentle, quite typical example of a late 1960's/early 70's UK sitcom - and Mil absolutely loved it, along with other sitcoms from the same era. But now you have me wondering if, despite the fact that there was never any violence and every aspect of it ws humerous, if giving it to her is a good idea! Very glad you said something - I'll have to have a think on that one!

I bought maybe a dozen DVD's in total for Mil, mostly new, but a couple from a charity shop I popped into too - not quite Christmas yet, but being as Mil, bless her, doesn't know if its May or December these days, I fugured I'd just go for films that she loves/would love, irrespective of the season - so Elf, Polar Express and Miracle on 34th Street made the list, as did South Pacific, Chicken Run and others in a similar vein. The idea about nature/wildlife is a good one - but its best to avoid raw nature, as such. Clips of a lion taking down a baby zebra would really upset her, for example - but I did find one of the old Disney animal 'adventure' films, 'The Brothers' that I'm pretty sure she would enjoy. OH and I are hoping to go to one of the big indoor markets today, in Ellesmere Port or Birkenhead, to see if we can find some more suitable musicals for her.

I did a search on here Red, for info about self harming and dementia - but found nothing. Though thinking about it, maybe I should have been more specific and searched with a term like 'scratching herself/himself', instead of 'self harming'? - I didn't think at the time. I did do a quick search, just good old google, and skimmed 3 or 4 articles that came up. All mention the banging on tables and windows etc., that Amy mentions - and as you guys all know, Mil over the last 3 years has done plenty of that, and sustained both bruises and skin tears as a result. But only one article referred briefly to a dementia patient deliberately biting themselves - which is on a par, in my head, to Mil deliberately pinching/gouging/scrathcing herself. To me there is a difference between the two types of injury - with the banging, Mil's aim was to either make a lot of noise to try and force us into opening doors for her, or to break the doors or windows open so she could get out and go to the police/to work/to the dance/go home. Any injuries she sustained were just incidental to her desire to get out/escape. With what she is doing now, the main aim is to actually cause herself harm - and that's why I find it so upsetting. I forgot to say that 3 times now, since she has been i the home, she has told me she wishes she was dead - that happened once in a blue moon when she lived here, 3 times in under two weeks is a big increase, and combined with the deliberately hurting herself, its hard not to find it upsetting and I can't help worrying about it :(

Thanks 2jays - I think Mil is struggling with noise levels in the main part of the lounge, you have hit the nail on the head there. And I also think that Mil tends to think that she is more likely to be staff than 'one of those nutters' - a term she has used several times both in hospital and in the home, to describe the other PWD's - she can recognise sometimes bizarre behaviour in others - but not in herself. So she feels - for the moment - more comfortable in what i supposed could be regarded as the 'staff' area. The staff certainly don't mind, so as long as its helping Mil, I'm not going to worry about her being isolated at this point.

Grace - hope all is OK with you hun?

I'm determined not to work today - laptop and work phone are switched off and locked away! Shattered, but have a lot to do today, so I had better get cracking :rolleyes:

Hope you all have a good day xxxxx


Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
Need to catch up with my posts and what I've been up to on here

Ann - if you see this don't bother with Birkenhead market today - snowbound and traffic chaos - might bump into you if you do Ellesmere Port


Registered User
Jul 16, 2015
If it was my mum, I'd be buying lots of Doris Day films and musicals like Singing in the Rain. She also likes gentle travelogues with people like Griff Rhys Jones and Penelope Keith wandering around Britain - might be safer than a proper nature program? My MIL used to watch Downton Abbey on repeat, but I'm not sure if it has any heavy storylines.


Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
Just imagining JM and Ann having coffee somewhere nice!
I had lunch with a couple of friends, which we do every couple of months. Good catch up! Lots of chat, no change there then!
Out last night for a seasonal dinner at one of our local farm shop/ cafes. Really nice, and spent the whole evening chatting!
Cold here today, frost this morning, but no snow, thank goodness!

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
Morning all,

Thanks for that Red - I thought a search would check the archives as well, but the one I did didn't throw up those threads - so thank you x So it seems to be a documented - albeit infrequent - situation that others have faced, and knowing its not just Mil helps in an odd way, though I have no idea what preventative measures anyone could take :(

I hope the source of the leak has been found and put right, Hun! Last thing anyone needs, especially at this time of year. And what about the baby hedgehog - has s/he turned up?

JM - we didn't go to the markets in the end, as I explained in my pm - OH had just finished a run of nights, yesterday morning, and couldn't drag himself out of bed in time - I did think he was being very optimistic, thinking that he could manage on just 4 hours sleep, tbh! We went out at 3, just locally, and found a nice TV/DVD combi, and a wall bracket for Mil - but are going to try heading for the markets today, now - though if the weather warnings are accurate, I'm not banking on it - its absolutely freezing here this morning, and I would not be surprised if we end up with some snow!

Thanks arielsmelody - yep, I have Doris Day films on my list, as well as musicals like 'My Fair Lady', 'Mary Poppins', 'Mama Mia' and others. She was a big Elvis fan, so if I can find any of his, particularly 'Blue Hawaii' or 'Viva Las Vegas', it would be good too - that's why we are heading to the markets, if we can - having checked out the big supermarkets, I think I have more chance of finding the films that I think she will (a) enjoy and (b) won't upset her, from the second hand/market stalls. I don't know if she will enjoy the travel type programme you mention - its not something I've ever seen her take an interest in, TBH, but I'll look and see if I can find anything of that sort that I think might grab her attention. Its hard . . . she was a big John Wayne fan - but westerns, with the guns and lynchings, are not a good idea. And she once told me that 'Love me Tender' was her favourite Elvis film - but he gets shot in the end of that one, which makes it a big fat 'No' too! I'm sticking to films I've seen myself and that I remember, just to be on the safe side - and being brutal about ruling out anything at all that might spark her having a scary delusion.

Glad you had both a lovely lunch and dinner out, Spamar :D Really cold here too, as I said - we have also had lots of rain (and sometimes sleet) here over the last week, so the roads aren't too great here - if OH wasn't driving, I wouldn't venture out at all (he is far more confident than I, in bad driving conditions - a couple of ner misses, several years ago, when I worked as a home carer through one particularly bad winter have left me really disliking driving in snow and ice!).

As I said, we picked up a new TV, with built in DVD, for Mil, yesterday, and took it, along with the DVD's that I have so far bought her, to the home. I made a point of advising staff to stick to the DVD's rather than the TV, explaining how upset she could get if an unsuitable programme came on and she worked it into a delusion. I hope that they listen, for their sake as well as Mils.

Mil was still sat at the 'staff' end of the lounge, but this time she was by another lady, which we were glad to see. She was glad to see us, though she sort of peered at me, trying to work out who I was, I think. We moved to one of the tables in the dining area - and almost straight away, it was clear she was feeling paranoid/fearful. The gunmen were back, as was the conviction that just about everyone was out to get her. She was also very fixated on telling us that the cardingan she was wearing was her Mums, and it was her Mum's nail varnish she had used to do her nails, and she was wearing her Mum's jumper . . . after about 10 minutes, the gunmen seemed to fade out, along with all the comments about her wearing her Mum's clothes, and they were replaced by her being certain that she was in a pub, one that used to be owned by her mate Shirl's daughter, where Mil used to live. That pub had actually been knocked down about 4 years ago, and neither OH nor I could see any resemblence between how it used to look and Mil's current surroundingsd anyway - but hey-ho, on she chattered, about how Shirl works there and how the food had gone downhill, and all sorts of ramblings. Dau joined us - her school is just 5 minutes walk away and we'd arranged for her to meet us there when school finished - and Mil greeted her quite warmly, and even asked about our son - though she then got herself really muddled as she couldn't work out why son was in uni and youngest dau wasn't. She kept asking, but no matter how simply we put it, she seemed unable to grasp that dau is too young for uni - very odd. The skin tears on her left arm looked worse - she had clearly been picking at them, and made them bigger and deeper. According to Mil, they had been caused by 'that big dog biting me' :(

Out of the blue, she suddenly switched to she wanted to ' go home, come on lets go home, give me a lift home, I want to go home now' - very abrupt switch, and immediately agitated and getting cross. Our cue to leave, asap - already its clear that once she starts with the home business, our presence seems to fuel it, so for both Mil's and the staffs sake, its best if we go once it starts. Again, staff were there very quickly, to distract her whilst we left.

Hopefully - depending on weather and OH actually managing to wake in time - we'll be heading off to Ellesmere Port this afternoon. This morning, I'm going to try and get my case packed for Monday, when I'm off to S.Wales for a couple of days again - just want to have it all sorted, as tomorrow we are heading to Coventry to see oldest. I managed to tackle the house and gave the place a darn good clean yesterday - just as well, 'cos I think Kim and Aggie were planning on visiting if I didn't do something quickly! - so hoping that a quick tidy up will do today. A week on Monday, I have to head to Newcastle for a couple of days, but hoping that will be it in terms of travel, until after Christmas. I've bought some Christmas bits and bobs, but intend to go and get all the pressie shopping done in just one or two shopping trips, once Newcastle is out of the way then another trip for frozen/cupboard food, leaving me with only the fresh stuff to buy nearer the time. OH was wavering over whether or not we should try bringing Mil here for the day on Christmas day - I guenuinely think that doing that wouldn't be good for her - I don't think she could cope - never mind us, so I hope I've persuaded him to think again!

Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
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Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
Hello everyone.... Thanks for your thoughts , I'm doing OK-ish.

I've been over to MiL with Niece and her youngest, just quick pop-in visit.
We didn't tell the rest of the 'outlaws' , as they would be cross with us, especially me for visiting.
MiL looked flustered and was on edge 'literally' of her chair, repeating over and over,
wanting to know what we wanted and why we were visiting.
We just popped in with a shopping, and bag of food, niece did a quick sweep of a fridge clean, had a cup of tea, and we left.
Probably there 20-30 mins tops.... Niece's youngest far to young to understand Alz.
MiL called me 'dear', not sure she knew who I was, and niece/s 'love'.

Felt better at having seen her, but then anxious at family reaction when they find out we have visited and not told them / informed them beforehand.
If they want to see her, find out how she is they could always pop in themselves.

AnnM, I think the Pound shop' sells CD/DVD .... re-plays??? I'm sure someone told me this.
Late husband used to 'launch' the TV remote.... tape the back on so the batteries don't go missing.

Busy day today, will try and catch up later.

Take care xxxx


Registered User
Feb 27, 2014
Irish DVD's?

Hi Ann, I was just wondering whether your MIL might enjoy some Irish-themed DVD's? I don't know any of these myself, having almost no connection with Ireland, but Amazon offers various options, including some with Irish songs, and they don't seem expensive to me. They shouldn't be scary and might even bring back some happy memories.


Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
How about a Riverdance DVD?

As you saw on the link my MIL picked at everything until she bled. Mil didn't know what was under the dressings.

Mum didn't always recognise her limbs as her own own and saw them as foreign and was aggressive towards them. Strangely she thought my hands were hers. :confused:


Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
Ann, William had a favourite dvd box set, it was Frank Patterson, the Irish Tenor. Lots of old songs, familiar to older people, clear enough to sing along to if they can. Also a favourite of William's was Terry Woman's Ireland. Terry Wogan would also of course be very familiar.