1. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Ann, thank you for the lovely photos. The fall colours here are hit-or-miss this year, but when they hit, they knock it out of the park. Thank you for reminding me to slow down and look at them.

    I know the care home is not what you and DH wanted, and I understand that. I also know it's distressing, these transitions, no matter how good/okay/necessary they are.

    I do have to say that while I don't know if your MIL can ever be happy (as I'm unsure my mother can be happy, due to the dementia), that the staff at the new care home sound pretty good. Maybe even better than pretty good. I feel that is a positive sign, and will hold out hope that MIL will settle as much as possible. It's GOT to be better than the hospital, in terms of environment. (I always wondered, if the sterile hospital environment contributed to some of MIL's delusions and confabulations, but I suppose it's impossible to know.) And of course we are all anxious to hear how they get on with the washing!

    I was moved to tears by various parts of your story. It really is challenging, on so many levels, and I am so, so sorry.

    Sending birthday wishes to Mister Slugsta!
     
  2. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I popped in to see Mum this morning, my new routine for Monday mornings. She was happy to let me escort her to the bathroom and readily admitted that she was wet. I don't know how/why she had managed it, but the pad of her pull-ups was in bits, wet gel stuff stuck to her skin and falling all over the floor as she took them off :confused:

    I know that she will try to remove the pad part of the pull-ups as if to change pads so I wonder if that is what happened? I'll never know so won't worry about it unless it becomes a common occurrence.

    It's certainly turned cold here, scarves and gloves needed. I'd rather have it cold and sunny than warm and wet though.
     
  3. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Can I make a suggestion to all who regularly visit on a certain day.

    Try not to go on a regular day, for instance, a Tuesday, like I did for mum

    May be it's just me, and it works out for others in the end, but I mostly visited on a Tuesday for nearly 4 years. The day was a permanent fixture in my diary.

    I'm kind of dreading next Tuesday. I'm trying to plan something else for that day, so far I can't think of anything else to do....


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,952
    Suffolk
    ((((Hugs)))) 2jays. Thinking of you. I'll be at the dentist! How about that as an option?
     
  5. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    :D




    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  6. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Also sending (((((hugs))))) to you, 2jays. That's so obvious when you point it out, but I wouldn't have thought of it on my own; thank you for mentioning it.

    I will be in line/a queue at the polls today; you could come and keep me company!

    Could you plan: coffee or lunch with a friend, a mini day out for yourself somewhere you enjoy going, a walk somewhere, a shopping expedition, a matinee of a film, a gallery or museum, a mini day out to somewhere you've never been, a trip to the library for a pile of books, go get a massage or a manicure? Visit a pub or restaurant you've never been to? Get on a random bus and see where it goes? Accomplish some errand that's been on your list for a long time? Or maybe you could set a new Tuesday routine, like a regular coffee/lunch date with a friend? Take a class to learn something new, online or otherwise?
     
  7. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Thank you for your suggestions Amy

    :D I would have to drive a very long way to find a pub I haven't been too :eek: :D

    I've just fallen and smacked my knee hard on the ground. In temper.....

    Now mum has died, suddenly social services are getting involved with stuff. :rolleyes:

    Phone from snotty, officious person from Social Services who asked for me by mis-pronunciation of my surname.

    Said there is no 2jays Block here, I'm 2jays Blog

    They said, very clearly and snottily, and I quote, "You must have got that wrong, it says 2jays Block here, no it doesn't, you are right, it's 2jays Blog

    [raised hackles from me] I know I'm right, it's my name. what do you wish to talk about?

    I want to speak about mummy 2jays and discuss a legal meeting for you to attend....

    [raging anger from me] if you had done your job properly, and kept up to date with the legal stuff, you would know that my mother died

    Whimpering apologies, of

    Oooooh my god, I sooooo sorry, I'm really sorry....

    I slammed phone down, stomped off to the garden, fell over step and OUCH!

    That will teach me to hold my temper I guess :D

    Good luck at the polls


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  8. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,069
    Female
    Chester
    Hope your knee is OK.

    I would have had a good rant at them. Then probably still tripped over.

    Amy - hope your queuing goes well. I've never had to queue when voting - but I do vote on principal (suffragettes died to get us the vote).

    I think it is fairly unavoidable to have a fixed routine over visiting sometimes, eg I don't work on a Thursday so that is the day I visit mum.

    there will always be some trigger, doesn't make it any easier.
     
  9. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,655
    Hampshire
    Sorry to hear about your knee, are you doing RICE?

    Even sorrier to hear about your phone call, that must have been so hard and hurtful. Hugs xx
     
  10. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,952
    Suffolk
    When the lady came selling poppies, I picked one up, and fiddled to get some money. 'Do you only want the one? She said. I replied through gritted teeth, there is only one person living in this house. She just didn't apologise! She only lives up the road, so must have know OH died over a year ago!
    The one I did buy, I lost the first time I wore it. I've now got one that I have clipped to my handbag, very smart! And from a much friendlier cafe!
     
  11. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Voting accomplished! And only the usual routine, no queue. I timed it for mid-morning as the poll workers tell me that's usually the quietest time of day. They do get waits with the before-and-after work crowd. No silliness or protestors or any of that rubbish that the media so enjoy overstating. Of course, I live in a very average neighborhood in a very average city so that might have something to do with it. I plan to avoid the media/news/stupidity as much as possible today.
     
  12. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    2jays, sorry about your knee and the stupid person on the phone. I well remember those sorts of calls and letters after my father died and it was always horrid, like a knife in the gut.

    Anytime I have to deal with someone stupid or rude or obstructive, I find myself hoping that when they need help dealing with an ill relative, they encounter only people who are just as (un)helpful, as they have been to me.
     
  13. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,442
    Female
    Dundee
    No wonder you lost your temper 2jays - falling over after it is the kind of thing I would have done too!:rolleyes:
     
  14. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Afternoon,

    (((2jays))) It sounds as if hurting your knee was just about the last straw :( Yes, RICE should help if you can.

    Spamar, hope the dentist goes/has gone well.

    Well done for getting the polling done and dusted Amy. I do agree that, as women, we have a duty to exercise our hard won ability to vote. However, I do it by post these days, which makes it so much easier!

    I always swore that I would not visit Mum on the same day each time. Many years ago, Mum and I got into the habit of visiting my grandparents on a Saturday afternoon and it got so that there was an argument if we wanted to do something else that day. However, she goes to DC on a Tuesday and Thursday so that is rather limiting! I could go on Sunday instead of a Monday - but it suits me to pop in on the way back from aquagym on a Monday morning. I expect the routine will change again if we manage to get another day at DC for Mum.

    Did I tell you that Mum had 2 new hearing aids on Tuesday - and had lost one of them by Friday morning? :rolleyes:
     
  15. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    #6415 2jays, Nov 8, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2016
    Slugsta : keep in mind about hearing aids.... not necessarily in your mums case though.....

    Mum, 2 hearing aides, would loose one of hers regularly.

    At the start, she would "miss it", and want it replaced

    then, further on, it got to she would "fiddle" with them both

    then latterly, she destroyed them....

    Came to the conclusion hearing aids were "too much information" for mum to assimilate so she "got rid" so I didn't replace after the fourth time....

    In a strange way, she could hear better once we didn't replace them....

    so long as she was looking at you with her glasses on - glasses and the lack of, being another saga.... :)


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  16. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Slugsta, if you told us about the hearing aids, I forgot. Either way, I'm sorry one has already been lost. It's just possible it will turn up but I suppose you cannot count on that.

    I quite agree with feeling an extra urgency to vote due to being female. When my grandmothers were born, women couldn't vote in the States. That's not so very long ago. My parents also set a good example of voting being part of one's civic duty (I can remember my mother taking me to the voting booth with her, when I was small, and explaining what was going on). An awful lot of people worked awfully hard to ensure I would be able to vote. I know I'm privileged to be able to walk down the street and cast a ballot with no fuss and no worry (ignore the American media on this point) of fraud or problems.

    I also had a (female) civics/American history/government teacher, in high school, who was very good, but strict and not a little scary. She really pounded "you must always vote" into our heads. I remember she had a person from the Board of Elections come to our classroom to talk to us, and show us sample ballots and so forth. My teacher shut the door, stood in front of it, and told us nobody was leaving the room (for our next class) until everyone who was of age to register to vote, had done so!

    I don't think I have ever missed a primary, general, or special election. I am fairly sure that Ms Scary Government Teacher, would find out and hound me until the end of her days, and then haunt me after that!

    We did an absentee (vote by mail) ballot for my mother this year. I was so nervous about this and did masses of research on the ethics of someone with dementia voting. In the end, when my husband showed her the ballot and asked her about it, she was perfectly clear about what it was, what it was for, and so on. We got a lucid moment, for which I'm grateful (especially considering that half an hour later she was deep in a disturbing delusion/confabulation of being assaulted). I don't want to abrogate her rights but I also don't want to commit voter fraud; it's a fine line all too often, being someone's PoA. My mother was always, always scrupulous about voting so I felt I had to try. I suspect this will be the last general election in which she will vote; she's not going to be better than she is now, in four years.

    Not to violate anyone's privacy, or get into a political discussion, but my husband reported that when he showed the ballot to my mother, she pointed to the name of one candidate for the office of President and said, "I'm not voting for that crazy moron, [pronoun] is deranged and would destroy the country!!" At that point my husband figured my mother definitely understood what was going on and had capacity. :rolleyes:

    (Just to be perfectly clear, I am being partly facetious. DH had already asked my mother questions about her name and the election and voting to make sure she understood what was going on. If she hadn't seemed lucid and hadn't been able to explain about elections and voting and the process, we wouldn't have proceeded and would have destroyed her ballot, after trying again another day. And I did tell the care home she had voted absentee and they were NOT to take her to the polls today.)

    Here is a cartoon that was in my newspaper yesterday, that is apropos to this topic: http://comicskingdom.com/six-chix/2016-11-07
     
  17. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    So glad good, intelligent women like you, Amy, are being sure to vote. & I like the sound of your mother's verdict. ;)
    2jays - infuriating, both the call and the result. Hope you are not too bruised.

    My OH has come home, having brought my father's ashes safely through security etc. Bless him. I couldn't have gone back. Too many memories. I'm afraid I had a bit of a rant to the skies about how it's always us (and bear in my mind my parents were hateful to my OH) who sort things out while the favoured son (I love my brother but my parents always gave him more, even in the final will) gets off scot free. My mother once poked fun at my OH because his parents weren't married when he was born. (They married later.) After my father's death I discovered my own parents weren't married until quite a few years after they had children!!! :roll eyes:-Nowt as odd as folks.

    Wishing you all extremely well. Freezing here but bright on the whole.
     
  18. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    819
    Must be bad knee day!I was looking for something this morning,couldn't find it(as usual)turned round and cracked my knee on the corner of a wardrobe.I cried like a baby.
     
  19. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Redlou: I had one of those.... a parent ranting at me "living in sin" that I should "save myself" until marriage

    Then I did the maths - not my strong point - and worked out mum was 7 months pregnant with my sister when my parents got married


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  20. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Morning all,

    Your suggestion about varying the days we visit is a really good one, 2jays - I doubt I would have thought of that, but you are right. Ouch on the knee - I hope that's eased for you today - and I am so sorry that thoughtless idiot upset you :( I would have been livid too, in your shoes xxxxxx

    I had a parent like you and Red, too - my mum, going ballistic and ranting over her daughters either living in sin or getting pregnant before marriage. It later emerged that she had never married Step-Dad number 1, who is the Father of my two younger siblings :rolleyes:

    Bless your OH going to get your Fathers' ashes, Red - I understand why it would have been hard for you to face. And I don't blame you for the rant at the skies - again, the two younger siblings here were always favoured - though the youngest sister did lose the favoured status once she made it clear to Mum that she didn't appeciate the awful way Mum treated the rest of us. Mum then started treating her the same way as she treated myself and my two 'full' sisters :(

    I also like your Mum's response, Amy :D I don't know when Mil last voted, certainly not since she moved in with us. For maybe 12 months (or maybe more) before she moved in, the delusion/belief that Maggie Thatcher was still Prime Minister was fairly constant with her - to the extent that she several times deliberately missed paying her council tax, in the belief that it was the poll tax and she was protesting (Odd - because when the poll tax actually was in place, she moaned like mad about it, but still meekly paid it every month!). She was unable to identify virtually any politicians for at least the last year she lived in her own house, and often got Irish politics of her youth completely mixed up with what was happening in the present - both OH and I felt that she was sadly really not able to understand the policies and choices that were there :( She identified Boris Johnson as the US president and David Cameron as that 'awful film star' when she saw them on TV not long before she went into hospital - which I guess more or less proved the point!

    Ouch notsogooddtr - hope that you are not in too much pain with your 'bashed' knee, either xxxxx

    {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for you too, Spamar - why are people so darn thoughtless :(

    Slugsta, how annoying about the hearing aid! Such a fiddly little thing to find, too. By the time Mil moved in here, she had lost several pairs of glasses. We took her to the opticians and cataracts were identified, but an op ruled out. We managed to find a couple of pairs of her old glasses - which she only used for reading anyway - and had a few weeks of constant searching for them, because they were so often lost. Then she started to refuse to wear them, even when we could find them, saying she didn't need them. In the end, we gave up - and to be fair, she actually seems to manage fine without them.

    Didn't manage to get to see Mil yesterday - basically, I just ran out of steam! Monday, and the 15 hour day spent in travelling to and attending a meeting in South Wales had left me shattered, and then first thing yesterday morning I had an event at the local uni to attend. Both Mondays' meeting and the uni event threw up a lot of admin for me, and by the time I finished dealing with that, I was done! Today, I'm off down the coast - and such a nice day for it, with howling wind, freezing rain and sleet :rolleyes: - and having just checked my train tickets, I've discovered that I've been a complete numpty and booked my return train for a whole hour later than I needed too - no idea how I managed to read 16.49 as 15.49 :confused: - so won't be home until around 6pm instead of 5 :( Tomorrow, I have to possibly arrange travel to yet another coastal town for next week, and also definitely book travel for a half day in Birmingham, as well as attend another event in a local college, plus go to collect paperwork from another local organisation. I'm going to try and see her tomorrow, but I think its more likely to be Friday that I next get a chance to visit her - Saturday is out because there is another college event that would be good for me to attend, that I'm going to. Its absolutely manic at the moment - which is interesting and good in terms of work - but boy, I'm shattered!

    Right - better go jump in the shower before youngest is up - have a good day everyone xxxx
     

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