Can I send you my bashing stick for you to wollup the guilt monster with your amazing and im not alone in reading in oaw what you manage in your life. ...bad spellings im dyslexic sorry x
So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
Ann, I'm so sorry that MIL was upset and that you were upset. I know none of this is easy. I agree with every word everyone else has said and echo their sentiments.
I know you know this, but MIL would be just as bad, IF NOT WORSE, at your house, and your daughter would have to be witness to it, day in and day out, and that just can't be good for any of you. Think about the pumpkin carving party your youngest had a couple of weeks ago, and how that would have worked with MIL at home. Think about the level of stress you all had. Read any of your posts, at random, that you wrote here on this thread while MIL was at home with you.
You have done everything in your power, and then some, to care for MIL yourself, first at her home, then at yours. You fought to get her the help she needed in hospital and then to a good care home which is doing a good job looking after her and working with you.
Again, I know you know all that, but thought it might bear repeating.
I am just so sorry it's all so upsetting.
I heartily endorse warm layers and tights and whatever it takes, to keep warm. I hate having cold feet/legs. You would think it was still the dawn of train travel in the UK, that they can't heat the wretched things to a comfortable temperature!
I wanted to say a hearty thank you for all the posts on this thread, and the rest of TP of course, but especially Ann, about laundry. I went to the care home today while was mother was out to lunch (on a lunch outing, not referring to her mental status) so I could sort through her clothes.
I am fighting the Guilt Monster hard, and it must be busy pestering Ann because it's not too difficult, but still feel some twinges of Worst Daughter Ever as I discovered:
1) my mother had zero pairs of pants/underpants, except one soiled pair at the bottom of the wardrobe (I took her 20 new pairs five weeks ago) and
2) although she has plenty of nightgowns, all but one were soiled
3) the soiling is all fecal, and her toilet seat was stained as well
I had a brief chat with the duty nurse (he seems to be the unit's second-in-command) and will email the nurse manager as well. I know they are willing to work with me and feel sure we will work this out BUT the thought of her maybe being embarrassed or upset about her soiled underthings, and not having a clean nightgown (in who knows how long?) are upsetting.
Thanks to TP, I knew to wear gloves to go through her clothes, as I suspected I would find something like this, and to take trash bags with me to put the soiled clothing in. I am sure they would wash her things if I asked them, but I wanted to bring them home and soak and bleach them and see if I could get the stains out. Also thanks to Ann and TP, I knew to wear gloves to treat the clothes, cover my work space with plastic, and have plenty of stain and odor products on hand. And again, thanks to TP, I know that I can let the water into my (front-loading) washer and then stop the wash cycle, to let the clothes soak.
Luckily I had taken ten new pairs of clean (under)pants with me, so was able to leave those for her, and I purchased as many more as the local shop has. I am way less concerned about buying new (under)pants than I am about hygiene. She clearly cannot clean herself properly after going to the toilet. She has irritable bowel syndrome so it's possible she is having fecal accidents, and/or just her usual amount of diarrhea, but either way, she clearly cannot clean it up and that can't be good. It seems like it's a UTI or a skin problem waiting to happen, surely.
Now, dear TP, how do I stop smelling it? I didn't touch anything, and was wearing gloves, and have washed my hands multiple times, but I still keep smelling that smell. I expect it's some sort of olfactory hallucination at this point, but....eurgh.
I found a lot of other things as well, and discovered some items are missing, but that's a matter for another time. More later.
Maybe we could all get together for some GM bashing? I picture it like a pinata, except bigger and when we break it open, we all get showered in happiness and laughter instead of candy. (Well, maybe in ADDITION to candy. Maybe candy and bottles of wine?)
Very best wishes to you all.
I know you know this, but MIL would be just as bad, IF NOT WORSE, at your house, and your daughter would have to be witness to it, day in and day out, and that just can't be good for any of you. Think about the pumpkin carving party your youngest had a couple of weeks ago, and how that would have worked with MIL at home. Think about the level of stress you all had. Read any of your posts, at random, that you wrote here on this thread while MIL was at home with you.
You have done everything in your power, and then some, to care for MIL yourself, first at her home, then at yours. You fought to get her the help she needed in hospital and then to a good care home which is doing a good job looking after her and working with you.
Again, I know you know all that, but thought it might bear repeating.
I am just so sorry it's all so upsetting.
I heartily endorse warm layers and tights and whatever it takes, to keep warm. I hate having cold feet/legs. You would think it was still the dawn of train travel in the UK, that they can't heat the wretched things to a comfortable temperature!
I wanted to say a hearty thank you for all the posts on this thread, and the rest of TP of course, but especially Ann, about laundry. I went to the care home today while was mother was out to lunch (on a lunch outing, not referring to her mental status) so I could sort through her clothes.
I am fighting the Guilt Monster hard, and it must be busy pestering Ann because it's not too difficult, but still feel some twinges of Worst Daughter Ever as I discovered:
1) my mother had zero pairs of pants/underpants, except one soiled pair at the bottom of the wardrobe (I took her 20 new pairs five weeks ago) and
2) although she has plenty of nightgowns, all but one were soiled
3) the soiling is all fecal, and her toilet seat was stained as well
I had a brief chat with the duty nurse (he seems to be the unit's second-in-command) and will email the nurse manager as well. I know they are willing to work with me and feel sure we will work this out BUT the thought of her maybe being embarrassed or upset about her soiled underthings, and not having a clean nightgown (in who knows how long?) are upsetting.
Thanks to TP, I knew to wear gloves to go through her clothes, as I suspected I would find something like this, and to take trash bags with me to put the soiled clothing in. I am sure they would wash her things if I asked them, but I wanted to bring them home and soak and bleach them and see if I could get the stains out. Also thanks to Ann and TP, I knew to wear gloves to treat the clothes, cover my work space with plastic, and have plenty of stain and odor products on hand. And again, thanks to TP, I know that I can let the water into my (front-loading) washer and then stop the wash cycle, to let the clothes soak.
Luckily I had taken ten new pairs of clean (under)pants with me, so was able to leave those for her, and I purchased as many more as the local shop has. I am way less concerned about buying new (under)pants than I am about hygiene. She clearly cannot clean herself properly after going to the toilet. She has irritable bowel syndrome so it's possible she is having fecal accidents, and/or just her usual amount of diarrhea, but either way, she clearly cannot clean it up and that can't be good. It seems like it's a UTI or a skin problem waiting to happen, surely.
Now, dear TP, how do I stop smelling it? I didn't touch anything, and was wearing gloves, and have washed my hands multiple times, but I still keep smelling that smell. I expect it's some sort of olfactory hallucination at this point, but....eurgh.
I found a lot of other things as well, and discovered some items are missing, but that's a matter for another time. More later.
Maybe we could all get together for some GM bashing? I picture it like a pinata, except bigger and when we break it open, we all get showered in happiness and laughter instead of candy. (Well, maybe in ADDITION to candy. Maybe candy and bottles of wine?)
Very best wishes to you all.
Evening all,
(((Ann))) what a terribly distressing visit for you
I'm very glad that the staff were coping well with MIL and didn't seem surprised or upset by her behaviour. I'm also very glad that you are not having to deal with this level of distress and aggression in your home. Whatever the GM is telling you, you simply would not have been able to deal with that in any sustainable way.
I'm sorry that school is still causing problems. I'm so sorry that this is just one more problem for you, rather than being the only thing you have to worry about.
The thermals sound a good idea, being cold is no fun!
(((Amy))) what a horrible situation! I nursed for decades - but there are some aromas that seem to seep into your airways and refuse to leave How upsetting to think of your mother unable to deal with things herself and being upset or embarrassed by it. Sorry that you are also troubled by missing belongings, it seems to be a recurring theme.
I lost a long post earlier today and now I can't remember what I lost and/or what I posted yesterday!
I was called over to Mum by one of the staff just before 5pm. Mum had fallen whilst in her friend's flat and the paramedics called. Mum had complained that her legs hurt so the advice, understandably, was not to move her.
It took 2 hours for the paramedic to arrive and keeping Mum on the floor during that time was rather difficult! She is a rather impatient patient and does not tolerate waiting around. The paramedic, when he did arrive, was charming and apologetic. He flirted outrageously with all of us and made us smile He declared Mum to be in better condition than the rest of us and escorted Mum and I back to her flat.
Mum's carer had turned up while the paramedic was there so I had told her to go on and I would do what was needed. By the time I had changed Mum and given her meal + meds it was gone 8pm and I was more than ready for something to eat (as were the cats when I got home!). I'm very glad that there was no damage done - and also that this happened today as we are away for the weekend! Hence I am unlikely to be here again until Sunday afternoon/evening.
I hope that you all have a good weekend xx
(((Ann))) what a terribly distressing visit for you
I'm very glad that the staff were coping well with MIL and didn't seem surprised or upset by her behaviour. I'm also very glad that you are not having to deal with this level of distress and aggression in your home. Whatever the GM is telling you, you simply would not have been able to deal with that in any sustainable way.I'm sorry that school is still causing problems. I'm so sorry that this is just one more problem for you, rather than being the only thing you have to worry about.
The thermals sound a good idea, being cold is no fun!
(((Amy))) what a horrible situation! I nursed for decades - but there are some aromas that seem to seep into your airways and refuse to leave
How upsetting to think of your mother unable to deal with things herself and being upset or embarrassed by it. Sorry that you are also troubled by missing belongings, it seems to be a recurring theme.I lost a long post earlier today and now I can't remember what I lost and/or what I posted yesterday!
I was called over to Mum by one of the staff just before 5pm. Mum had fallen whilst in her friend's flat and the paramedics called. Mum had complained that her legs hurt so the advice, understandably, was not to move her.
It took 2 hours for the paramedic to arrive and keeping Mum on the floor during that time was rather difficult! She is a rather impatient patient and does not tolerate waiting around. The paramedic, when he did arrive, was charming and apologetic. He flirted outrageously with all of us and made us smile
He declared Mum to be in better condition than the rest of us and escorted Mum and I back to her flat.Mum's carer had turned up while the paramedic was there so I had told her to go on and I would do what was needed. By the time I had changed Mum and given her meal + meds it was gone 8pm and I was more than ready for something to eat (as were the cats when I got home!). I'm very glad that there was no damage done - and also that this happened today as we are away for the weekend! Hence I am unlikely to be here again until Sunday afternoon/evening.
I hope that you all have a good weekend xx
Regarding smells, I have read that some nurses put Vicks Vapo-rub or lip balm under their noses when they know they are in for it.
Celia, good advice. I'll try a little counter-irritant next time.
The stains all came out! Hooray for amazing modern detergents and color safe bleach and stain removers and, best of all, a washing machine so I didn't have to do it by hand in a freezing cold stream/washtub/the sink/ugh.
Slugsta, oh, what a long wait. I'm SO thankful she didn't break anything. It was smart not to move her and to get things checked out.
I'm sorry, I don't remember about your weekend plans, but I hope whatever you do is great.
I've just had a good cry over last year's John Lewis Christmas advert (the man in the moon one; I really cried hard; possibly feeling a bit fragile today). There was an article on the NPR website about these. I was ignorant until now. I loved the penguin one! Sorry if this is rushing Christmas things but nobody will compel you to click on the link: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-...your-day-with-a-new-christmas-ad-from-the-u-k
DH/OH/my husband/spouse/partner, has to drive an hour to a satellite location of the company for whom he works, and then work until the small hours of the morning, because somebody messed something up last night. He is not best pleased. Nor am I, after the week he spent working late every night and then the weekend he worked all day, every day. I will be thrilled when this project is finished. Soon. Very soon.
Can I just tell you that while she likely meant no harm, that my mother-in-law sent us a card, and the envelope is addressed to "Mr John Smith and Amy?" Again, likely no harm meant, but I was upset by what I found at the care home and wrote my husband a fairly acerbic note on the envelope. In bright red marker. (I kept my own name when I married, so it's not the same as his. I believe my note says something about how I'm neither a footnote to his name, nor an appendage of him. I was pretty annoyed.)
Well, for at least five or six years after we married, not one of his family members could get it through their heads that I have a different name, or what my name is, or how to spell it (my first OR my last name). I admit my last name is not a common one and a bit tricky, but not long, and my first name is fairly common, although comes in variants. But it's not that difficult! I believe I threatened to return all their mail marked "addressee unknown" and I always make OH open stuff addressed to Mrs Not-my-name. I tell him it must be for his other wife
My father-in-law always got my name right. Why can't my idiot mother-in-law take one minute to look in her address book and write my name properly?
Before you ask, I don't know what is in the card. I refuse to open it! I'm sure I get some sort of Petty Passive-Aggressive Medal, but after this summer, I'm still feeling tetchy about his mum.
Hope I've given someone a giggle, or at least a smirk.
Ann, hope you're feeling a bit better and that you are home and WARM.
The stains all came out! Hooray for amazing modern detergents and color safe bleach and stain removers and, best of all, a washing machine so I didn't have to do it by hand in a freezing cold stream/washtub/the sink/ugh.
Slugsta, oh, what a long wait. I'm SO thankful she didn't break anything. It was smart not to move her and to get things checked out.
I'm sorry, I don't remember about your weekend plans, but I hope whatever you do is great.
I've just had a good cry over last year's John Lewis Christmas advert (the man in the moon one; I really cried hard; possibly feeling a bit fragile today). There was an article on the NPR website about these. I was ignorant until now. I loved the penguin one! Sorry if this is rushing Christmas things but nobody will compel you to click on the link: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-...your-day-with-a-new-christmas-ad-from-the-u-k
DH/OH/my husband/spouse/partner, has to drive an hour to a satellite location of the company for whom he works, and then work until the small hours of the morning, because somebody messed something up last night. He is not best pleased. Nor am I, after the week he spent working late every night and then the weekend he worked all day, every day. I will be thrilled when this project is finished. Soon. Very soon.
Can I just tell you that while she likely meant no harm, that my mother-in-law sent us a card, and the envelope is addressed to "Mr John Smith and Amy?" Again, likely no harm meant, but I was upset by what I found at the care home and wrote my husband a fairly acerbic note on the envelope. In bright red marker. (I kept my own name when I married, so it's not the same as his. I believe my note says something about how I'm neither a footnote to his name, nor an appendage of him. I was pretty annoyed.)
Well, for at least five or six years after we married, not one of his family members could get it through their heads that I have a different name, or what my name is, or how to spell it (my first OR my last name). I admit my last name is not a common one and a bit tricky, but not long, and my first name is fairly common, although comes in variants. But it's not that difficult! I believe I threatened to return all their mail marked "addressee unknown" and I always make OH open stuff addressed to Mrs Not-my-name. I tell him it must be for his other wife
My father-in-law always got my name right. Why can't my idiot mother-in-law take one minute to look in her address book and write my name properly?
Before you ask, I don't know what is in the card. I refuse to open it! I'm sure I get some sort of Petty Passive-Aggressive Medal, but after this summer, I'm still feeling tetchy about his mum.
Hope I've given someone a giggle, or at least a smirk.
Ann, hope you're feeling a bit better and that you are home and WARM.
Morning everyone - and yet again, thank you all xxxxx
I know that everything that you have all said is 100% right. Having Mil back here wouldn't make a blind bit of different to how she is now, it would just make life incredibly hard and awful for me and OH, and more importantly, for our youngest. I wouldn't be working, OH would never have been able to sustain working nights in his new job (which he loves), youngest wouldn't have had her pumpkin carving party or sleep overs, I would have been absolutely dreading Christmas (again), be knee deep in washing . . . and Mil would still be asking, pleading, demanding and begging for 'home', for her Mum, to go to work, for her missing 'babby or little one' or for any other number of impossible delusional 'wants' and we would have been dealing with not only the verbal aggression that we had before, but physical aggression too. I really do know that it wouldn't be possible to cope.
Its just that wish that we all have that it could be different. And even while knowing its a complete waste of time, I do still find myself, despite everything I know to be true, thinking at odd times, 'Could I have done it?'. And even as I think it, I do know that I couldn't - but stupidly, that thought still creeps in. I suspect that every single person who has had to face the decision that their loved one now needs residential care has had to deal with that - and I will just have to learn to deal too.
OH is planning to visit Mil on Sunday, so when he asked, it seemed pointless trying to play down the way she was, especially given that from what the staff said, she is like that the majority of the time. I'd rather he was prepared, so I told the truth and found myself getting upset again. And angry. I said - and I know it might offend, but its how I feel - that at this point, she is so tormented that it would be kinder if we were able to go and buy a gun and shoot the poor woman. I know its 'early days' but this is a continuation and worsening of what we have seen happening for the last 12 - 18 months, a steady progression of how this illness seems to be affecting her, and I think there is an awful possibility/probability that it will contiue like this and she will remain this tormented till the end. Which is just too horrible to contemplate. At the very least, if it was an option that was available, I'd agree to her being pumped so full of sedation that she simply slept away what is left of her life, rather than see her going through the sheer misery and fear and anger that she lives with now. Either of those options are what I would want for myself - and OH felt the same. Its just all too cruel, to see someone live like that.
I know that so many others have had to come to terms with these feelings and the anger, and OH and I will (I hope) eventually learn to do the same. Just at the moment, I'm finding it all really hard - so please excuse the ranting and moaning xxxx
Amy, the vicks that Celia suggests is a good idea - I used to burn an awful lot of scented candles/incense whilst Mil was at DC, and when I was struggling to banish the odours. Can't tell you how many times, after dealing with similar situations in her bedroom/in the bathroom, I would go around 'sniffing' convinced the smells still lingered - a few hours burning the candles/incense sticks usually seemed to help me banish the smells that I was sure I could still detect.
I totally get the feeling offended, that your Mum in law can't even get your name right - my Mum continually spelled OH's name wrong (his name isn't uncommon but it's spelled the Irish way) even after we had been married over 20 years, and it used to annoy me, as well as him. So though I admit to a giggle, I do understand xxxx
Slugsta, I think its completely appalling that the paramedics took so long to respond, though I am really glad that your Mum was OK in the end. Enjoy your weekend away - its sounds like you have more than earned it xxxx
I was absolutely hell bent and determined that I would take a full day off today - but you know what they say about the best laid plans! Went to the college open evening last night to find there had been a complete mess up as regards allocation of tables and who was due to be there. I was passed around and left sitting for so long, whilst various people ran round trying to find someone who knew what was going on, that in the end, I gave up and left. But not before getting the correct contact details for the person I need to speak to, to ensure that I don't face a similar mess at the open day in a 'sister' college I am due to go to tomorrow -its an hour and a half round trip to the sister college and I really don't want a wasted journey and to waste my time again - especially as I am not supposed to work weekends anyway. However, that means that I will have to spend at least a little time today on making work related phone calls - which, much as I love my job, is so annoying!
I've done nothing about Mil's missing clothes - between work and the school stuff, I've run out of steam. OH says to leave it, that its just not worth the stress - at the moment, I'm inclined to go along with that, even whilst I know I shouldn't. The school issues just keep getting more and more ridiculous - but now the threat of the education ombudsman is out there, I am being assured that this 'matter' will be dealt with - an absolutely infuriating aspect of the whole complaints thing is that I am required to demonstrate that I have given the school every opportunity to deal with this - well, I reckon I have more than done that, this is their very last chance - and I've made that extremely clear to them.
Sending big thanks to you all for your words of common sense and reassurance (again x) - I hope you all manage to have a peaceful day xxxx
I know that everything that you have all said is 100% right. Having Mil back here wouldn't make a blind bit of different to how she is now, it would just make life incredibly hard and awful for me and OH, and more importantly, for our youngest. I wouldn't be working, OH would never have been able to sustain working nights in his new job (which he loves), youngest wouldn't have had her pumpkin carving party or sleep overs, I would have been absolutely dreading Christmas (again), be knee deep in washing . . . and Mil would still be asking, pleading, demanding and begging for 'home', for her Mum, to go to work, for her missing 'babby or little one' or for any other number of impossible delusional 'wants' and we would have been dealing with not only the verbal aggression that we had before, but physical aggression too. I really do know that it wouldn't be possible to cope.
Its just that wish that we all have that it could be different. And even while knowing its a complete waste of time, I do still find myself, despite everything I know to be true, thinking at odd times, 'Could I have done it?'. And even as I think it, I do know that I couldn't - but stupidly, that thought still creeps in. I suspect that every single person who has had to face the decision that their loved one now needs residential care has had to deal with that - and I will just have to learn to deal too.
OH is planning to visit Mil on Sunday, so when he asked, it seemed pointless trying to play down the way she was, especially given that from what the staff said, she is like that the majority of the time. I'd rather he was prepared, so I told the truth and found myself getting upset again. And angry. I said - and I know it might offend, but its how I feel - that at this point, she is so tormented that it would be kinder if we were able to go and buy a gun and shoot the poor woman. I know its 'early days' but this is a continuation and worsening of what we have seen happening for the last 12 - 18 months, a steady progression of how this illness seems to be affecting her, and I think there is an awful possibility/probability that it will contiue like this and she will remain this tormented till the end. Which is just too horrible to contemplate. At the very least, if it was an option that was available, I'd agree to her being pumped so full of sedation that she simply slept away what is left of her life, rather than see her going through the sheer misery and fear and anger that she lives with now. Either of those options are what I would want for myself - and OH felt the same. Its just all too cruel, to see someone live like that.
I know that so many others have had to come to terms with these feelings and the anger, and OH and I will (I hope) eventually learn to do the same. Just at the moment, I'm finding it all really hard - so please excuse the ranting and moaning xxxx
Amy, the vicks that Celia suggests is a good idea - I used to burn an awful lot of scented candles/incense whilst Mil was at DC, and when I was struggling to banish the odours. Can't tell you how many times, after dealing with similar situations in her bedroom/in the bathroom, I would go around 'sniffing' convinced the smells still lingered - a few hours burning the candles/incense sticks usually seemed to help me banish the smells that I was sure I could still detect.
I totally get the feeling offended, that your Mum in law can't even get your name right - my Mum continually spelled OH's name wrong (his name isn't uncommon but it's spelled the Irish way) even after we had been married over 20 years, and it used to annoy me, as well as him. So though I admit to a giggle, I do understand xxxx
Slugsta, I think its completely appalling that the paramedics took so long to respond, though I am really glad that your Mum was OK in the end. Enjoy your weekend away - its sounds like you have more than earned it xxxx
I was absolutely hell bent and determined that I would take a full day off today - but you know what they say about the best laid plans! Went to the college open evening last night to find there had been a complete mess up as regards allocation of tables and who was due to be there. I was passed around and left sitting for so long, whilst various people ran round trying to find someone who knew what was going on, that in the end, I gave up and left. But not before getting the correct contact details for the person I need to speak to, to ensure that I don't face a similar mess at the open day in a 'sister' college I am due to go to tomorrow -its an hour and a half round trip to the sister college and I really don't want a wasted journey and to waste my time again - especially as I am not supposed to work weekends anyway. However, that means that I will have to spend at least a little time today on making work related phone calls - which, much as I love my job, is so annoying!
I've done nothing about Mil's missing clothes - between work and the school stuff, I've run out of steam. OH says to leave it, that its just not worth the stress - at the moment, I'm inclined to go along with that, even whilst I know I shouldn't. The school issues just keep getting more and more ridiculous - but now the threat of the education ombudsman is out there, I am being assured that this 'matter' will be dealt with - an absolutely infuriating aspect of the whole complaints thing is that I am required to demonstrate that I have given the school every opportunity to deal with this - well, I reckon I have more than done that, this is their very last chance - and I've made that extremely clear to them.
Sending big thanks to you all for your words of common sense and reassurance (again x) - I hope you all manage to have a peaceful day xxxx
.....
Ann, it's 18 months plus since Mum died in the CH, and lately I have been plagued by these same thoughts..." Did I force her into the home" "Could we have managed", " Should I have insisted". Mum, herself, even said at the end that " this place is my home".... but still I wonder sometimes......
.... and I do know that we made the right decision.
Amy in the US.
If you think the smell is just up your nose trying smelling coffee beans. An assistant in a posh perfume store used this method on me and it did clear the last perfume. Hopefully it might work on the opposite of perfume.
If you think the smell is just up your nose trying smelling coffee beans. An assistant in a posh perfume store used this method on me and it did clear the last perfume. Hopefully it might work on the opposite of perfume.
Amy...two sugggestions re the panties a) buy the cheapest you can if they are being thrown out instead of being laundered and b) could you try paper pants..... I noticed them in one supermarket this week on the babies section labelled as Maternity pants and next to the breast pads. Try asking at the Laundry if Mom's nighties have been taken there for laundering when her sheets are changed. I seriously would let them deal with the laundry all the time. Can I just confirm that this is notjust sheltered ( assisted living) housing but an actual care home, because the staff seem to be needing an awful lot of instruction and not using intuition very often.
Amy - I do agree with Cragmaid - your terms are different from ours for these things
in UK assisted living means own flat with carers popping in and a restaurant on site and some activities but not a care home - eg my mum gets her own breakfast etc
From what you have said I thought your mum was in a care home and had recently moved to the dementia wing? or more support anyway?
Having said that I pay for a weekly domestic visit and they change her sheets and do her laundry as part of that visit - but just her stuff goes in the machine so no risk of losing it.
in UK assisted living means own flat with carers popping in and a restaurant on site and some activities but not a care home - eg my mum gets her own breakfast etc
From what you have said I thought your mum was in a care home and had recently moved to the dementia wing? or more support anyway?
Having said that I pay for a weekly domestic visit and they change her sheets and do her laundry as part of that visit - but just her stuff goes in the machine so no risk of losing it.
You all have such good suggestions and I thank you. I did not know about the paper pants and will look into those. I know I need to get them to do the washing, including the nightgowns, you are absolutely right. I think I was so upset I just took it all away yesterday to do myself.
In US parlance, this is the memory care/dementia unit at a nursing home. It is not like sheltered accommodation as I understand it in the UK. But she has only been in the memory wing for a month and I am still learning how it works. But you are correct that I should hold them to their jobs.
Part of the issue with the laundry is that my mother doesn't seem to recognize clothes as dirty, and doesn't put things into the wash. On the other unit they apparently didn't question this. In the new unit they are trying to direct her more, but she is very verbal and independent and it's a fine line between direction and her getting upset.
Hence my plan to go to the care home when she wasn't there and just remove a pile of clothes and sort/wash things myself. But that just makes work for me. Next time I will sort it out and give it to them to wash. I feel anxious typing that, which is ridiculous. I guess I am trying to have control over an uncontrollable situation.
Ann, I am not offended by your statement. I typed a longer response, but deleted it since I'm typing on my phone and can't consider it properly and don't want to offend anyone. But I hear what you're saying. If I were allowed to choose what disease is going to finish me off, it sure wouldn't be dementia.
In US parlance, this is the memory care/dementia unit at a nursing home. It is not like sheltered accommodation as I understand it in the UK. But she has only been in the memory wing for a month and I am still learning how it works. But you are correct that I should hold them to their jobs.
Part of the issue with the laundry is that my mother doesn't seem to recognize clothes as dirty, and doesn't put things into the wash. On the other unit they apparently didn't question this. In the new unit they are trying to direct her more, but she is very verbal and independent and it's a fine line between direction and her getting upset.
Hence my plan to go to the care home when she wasn't there and just remove a pile of clothes and sort/wash things myself. But that just makes work for me. Next time I will sort it out and give it to them to wash. I feel anxious typing that, which is ridiculous. I guess I am trying to have control over an uncontrollable situation.
Ann, I am not offended by your statement. I typed a longer response, but deleted it since I'm typing on my phone and can't consider it properly and don't want to offend anyone. But I hear what you're saying. If I were allowed to choose what disease is going to finish me off, it sure wouldn't be dementia.
Ann, I forgot to say earlier that I am sorry (indeed I am sure we are all sorry) to hear that the school drama is continuing. Neither you nor your daughter need that, at all, and especially not right now. I hope things can get worked out.
RedLou, thanks for your kind words and reassurances. I just found said card and envelope in the recycling bin. It's an anniversary card. If my note to my poor husband didn't irritate him, the card surely did, as it's religiously themed, and he hates that sort of thing, VERY much. Oh, dear. Probably she means well. She is not a spiteful or unkind person. She's just maddening, for a variety of reasons (the religion thing, no filters, and a weird 1952-esqe world view that wasn't accurate then, let alone now, and is utterly alien to my background and upbringing). My father-in-law provided a lot of balance for her. Heaven help me if she ever gets dementia (her mother had Alzheimer's)!
RedLou, how are you doing vis-a-vis the brother and your dad's remains and all that mess?
RedLou, thanks for your kind words and reassurances. I just found said card and envelope in the recycling bin. It's an anniversary card. If my note to my poor husband didn't irritate him, the card surely did, as it's religiously themed, and he hates that sort of thing, VERY much. Oh, dear. Probably she means well. She is not a spiteful or unkind person. She's just maddening, for a variety of reasons (the religion thing, no filters, and a weird 1952-esqe world view that wasn't accurate then, let alone now, and is utterly alien to my background and upbringing). My father-in-law provided a lot of balance for her. Heaven help me if she ever gets dementia (her mother had Alzheimer's)!
RedLou, how are you doing vis-a-vis the brother and your dad's remains and all that mess?
Trying to find control over an uncontrollable situation........
That's what we all try to do isn't it
That's why the guilt monster causes us to do things we wouldn't "normally" accept or do......
My place on the rollercoaster of dementia has ended...... but still it goes on...... because of the guilt monster..... despite my best efforts...
I was told, years ago, when I first joined TP from someone who was wise due to experience......
take a step back. Do Not listen to emotions...... to listen to rational thinking.....
I guess I'm that wise person now.....
Take a step back. Think without emotion. Deal with situations without the emotion of the memory of what was.....
Deal with what is now
This could cause an acceptance. It did for me during the time of dealing with the new normal....
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
That's what we all try to do isn't it
That's why the guilt monster causes us to do things we wouldn't "normally" accept or do......
My place on the rollercoaster of dementia has ended...... but still it goes on...... because of the guilt monster..... despite my best efforts...
I was told, years ago, when I first joined TP from someone who was wise due to experience......
take a step back. Do Not listen to emotions...... to listen to rational thinking.....
I guess I'm that wise person now.....
Take a step back. Think without emotion. Deal with situations without the emotion of the memory of what was.....
Deal with what is now
This could cause an acceptance. It did for me during the time of dealing with the new normal....
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Morning all!
Ann, hope you're having a good lie in!
Just an update on my fall. I've got a big L shaped bruise on my arm just below the elbow, think I must have fallen on one of my sticks, they're the ones with a shaped hand grip..... then had to go for BP and blood tests ( nothing to do with fall), I had to request right arm please! And the nurse bruised my other arm! I haven't bruised from a needle for so many years I can't remember!
To add insult to injury, my glasses broke last night! Or at least, I guess the fall broke them, they just came apart last night. So it's a trip to get them mended tomorrow.
Blood pressure all over the place, got to take it daily for a while. What a bore! However, it suddenly went back to its 'normal' yesterday after being really high (☹️️☹️️) on Friday. Long may it last!
The sun is shining, the sky is blue, enjoy everybody!
Ann, hope you're having a good lie in!
Just an update on my fall. I've got a big L shaped bruise on my arm just below the elbow, think I must have fallen on one of my sticks, they're the ones with a shaped hand grip..... then had to go for BP and blood tests ( nothing to do with fall), I had to request right arm please! And the nurse bruised my other arm! I haven't bruised from a needle for so many years I can't remember!
To add insult to injury, my glasses broke last night! Or at least, I guess the fall broke them, they just came apart last night. So it's a trip to get them mended tomorrow.
Blood pressure all over the place, got to take it daily for a while. What a bore! However, it suddenly went back to its 'normal' yesterday after being really high (☹️️☹️️) on Friday. Long may it last!
The sun is shining, the sky is blue, enjoy everybody!
Oh I am sorry to hear that spamar
From my fall I'm just left with an ungainly limp... no bruises to show off to gain sympathy, just horrible sharp pain if I turn my body, without moving feet.
I can walk ok, just not down or up steps easily..... or do any housework
Hugs xxxx
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
From my fall I'm just left with an ungainly limp... no bruises to show off to gain sympathy, just horrible sharp pain if I turn my body, without moving feet.
I can walk ok, just not down or up steps easily..... or do any housework
Hugs xxxx
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Spamar, I'm sorry to hear about the bruises and the broken glasses. Hope you're not too sore today.
Morning everyone,
Spamar, poor you - it sounds as though you went with one heck of a wallop! I hope firstly, that the aches and pains from the bumps and bruises has eased, and secondly, that your blood pressure is behaving for you. Sending {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you, and to 2jays - hoping that the pain has eased for you, and that you have recovered enough to lose the limp - even if you are not quite comfortable enough to tackle the housework yet xxxx
I feel for you and your OH having to deal with your Mum in laws attitudes, Amy. After the loss of Fil, all OH's work related stress and the stress of moving your Mum into the memory unit, I can see just how much her behaviour would be particularly hard to deal with at the moment Sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}} too x
Red, I was also wondering how you had got in with the arrangements for your Dad's ashes - I really hope your brother hasn't caused any more stress and hard work for you xxxx
2jays - the advice to listen to rational thinking is good, and I do try. I do know that there really wasn't any other option than to go down this route with Mil and residential care. I don't think either OH or I are at the point of acceptance - but we keep talking, keep reassuring each other, I keep listening to all of the Bizarrites and I keep bashing the GM, and I hope acceptance will come soon.
Its been a mad busy weekend. Saturday, I went to an open day - to do with work - at a college quite a distance away - I was worried it would be a wash out after the open day that I'd gone to at another college earlier in the week, but actually, it was really good - very much a case of worth the effort. We are nearly at the end of our zoo annual pass, (though I've made it very clear that I'd like another one for Christmas this year ) so OH, dau and I headed there around lunch time yesterday. A bit cold, but the zoo was quiet and much to our delight, the baby otters were out and so dau and I had a great time with our cameras
On the way home, we went to visit Mil. We thought that by timing the visit for 4.30, half an hour (we presumed) before the evening meal, that if Mil was as bad as she was the other day, the meal being served would help make us leaving easier for her and us. We were a bit surprised to get in there and find Mil already tucking into a large bowl of ice cream as her pudding - it seemed awfully early for them all to be having tea!
Mil was once again sat apart from everyone else - the main dining area is at the far end of the large 'day' room, but just as you go through the door into the room, there is a table where the staff seem to sit when they are doing paperwork - Mil was sat there. She barely spared us a greeting, she was just so intent on spooning up the ice cream as fast as she could. She didn't speak, didn't respond to us, just scooped up her pud and belted it in, with as much ice cream ending up on her and the floor as made it to her mouth
As she ate, both OH and I saw that her lower right arm was pretty badly bruised, and she had some skin tears there, and it was obvious that they had been caused by someone gripping her arm - they weren't in the right 'place' for her to have been able to have caused them herself, but were still clearly made by a fingers and nails. I'm not suggesting that she is being abused, btw - both OH and I are pretty sure that this would most likely be another incident where Mil has been in an altercation with another resident - and that the chances are that she might well have 'started' whatever the incident was. But we did wonder how much this had to do with her sitting by herself again, and if this is the 'norm' because of her behaviour. There were more bruises on the backs of her hands - and again, from experience, those were probably down to her banging on doors - she has a trick of first knocking, then sort of turning her hands round and using the backs of her hands to bang - we saw it so many times when she was here, and even whilst she was at the hospital.
There wasn't an opportunity to collar a member of staff and ask quietly - all the staff were 'on the floor' so to speak, and busy with residents and other visitors. Afterwards, OH and I wondered about Mil sitting by herself - not in a 'complaining way', because we can both see that if Mil is being irritated by and aggressive towards others, then giving her a bit of distance is probably best for her - but if that is the case, then its just so sad, as she was always such a sociable lady, pre-dementia.
Once the ice cream was finally finished, and Mil came up for air, I don't think she really had much of a clue as to who OH and I were - she never once used our names, or said anything that indicated that she was aware of any connection with us. She did, however, greet dau really warmly and got her name right - though again, not sure if she knew who dau is to her. Within about 5 minutes the 'Well - time I was going home' started - nowhere near as agitated as my last visit, but persistent and repetative, with her repeatedly getting up from her seat. Over and over we fed her a long line of distractions and love lies, she would appear to listen, maybe even say OK - and then with the next breath "Right - I'm going now", "Come on, lets go home now", "I'll see you later - I'm going home now". On perhaps 3 separate occasions, as we tried to reassure her and give her a reason why she couldn't go 'yet', she looked at us blankly and said "I don't understand what you mean", before going back into the 'going home' loop. It really seemed that what we were saying just made no sense to her at all - though whether that was her struggling with following a sentence or just not understanding the context of what we were saying within what she believed to be the reality, I don't know. We had a few comments about her going back to school and a couple of references to her Dad giving her money, but mainly it was 'home'. When her eyes started filling with tears, after about 30 minutes, and her remarks about home starting to get a bit tetchy and distressed, we made our excuses and left. She tried to come with us, and again, to be fair, a member of staff was there straight away and managed to distract her.
I was very, VERY glad that she wasn't as agitated as she was on my previous visit - I hadn't really wanted dau to come with us, just in case, but she was adamant that she wanted to see her Nana, and I think she was really pleased that Nana had seemed so warm with her. But, dau wasn't impressed with the home - she found it sad and I think that the very residential, institutional setting wasn't quite what she had imagined - she said that its 'not like a proper home, is it?' a couple of times. I had to agree that no, it wasn't - but explained that though its perhaps not what she or I would consider a 'nice' environment, because of the dementia, that sort of environment meets Nana's needs better now, than we could in a 'proper home'. Not sure if she was convinced. As she talked about the home - the smell of cooking, all the 'plasticky chairs, all alike', all the people 'just sitting', etc - I could sort of see it in very sharp detail through her eyes. Brought home to me how very different it is from what we would have wished for, for Mil. Again - that's something I am going to have to learn to deal with, sadly.
Right - time for me to start work - hope you guys all have a good day xxxxx
Spamar, poor you - it sounds as though you went with one heck of a wallop! I hope firstly, that the aches and pains from the bumps and bruises has eased, and secondly, that your blood pressure is behaving for you. Sending {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you, and to 2jays - hoping that the pain has eased for you, and that you have recovered enough to lose the limp - even if you are not quite comfortable enough to tackle the housework yet
xxxxI feel for you and your OH having to deal with your Mum in laws attitudes, Amy. After the loss of Fil, all OH's work related stress and the stress of moving your Mum into the memory unit, I can see just how much her behaviour would be particularly hard to deal with at the moment
Sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}} too xRed, I was also wondering how you had got in with the arrangements for your Dad's ashes - I really hope your brother hasn't caused any more stress and hard work for you xxxx
2jays - the advice to listen to rational thinking is good, and I do try. I do know that there really wasn't any other option than to go down this route with Mil and residential care. I don't think either OH or I are at the point of acceptance - but we keep talking, keep reassuring each other, I keep listening to all of the Bizarrites and I keep bashing the GM, and I hope acceptance will come soon.
Its been a mad busy weekend. Saturday, I went to an open day - to do with work - at a college quite a distance away - I was worried it would be a wash out after the open day that I'd gone to at another college earlier in the week, but actually, it was really good - very much a case of worth the effort. We are nearly at the end of our zoo annual pass, (though I've made it very clear that I'd like another one for Christmas this year
) so OH, dau and I headed there around lunch time yesterday. A bit cold, but the zoo was quiet and much to our delight, the baby otters were out and so dau and I had a great time with our cameras On the way home, we went to visit Mil. We thought that by timing the visit for 4.30, half an hour (we presumed) before the evening meal, that if Mil was as bad as she was the other day, the meal being served would help make us leaving easier for her and us. We were a bit surprised to get in there and find Mil already tucking into a large bowl of ice cream as her pudding - it seemed awfully early for them all to be having tea!
Mil was once again sat apart from everyone else - the main dining area is at the far end of the large 'day' room, but just as you go through the door into the room, there is a table where the staff seem to sit when they are doing paperwork - Mil was sat there. She barely spared us a greeting, she was just so intent on spooning up the ice cream as fast as she could. She didn't speak, didn't respond to us, just scooped up her pud and belted it in, with as much ice cream ending up on her and the floor as made it to her mouth
As she ate, both OH and I saw that her lower right arm was pretty badly bruised, and she had some skin tears there, and it was obvious that they had been caused by someone gripping her arm - they weren't in the right 'place' for her to have been able to have caused them herself, but were still clearly made by a fingers and nails. I'm not suggesting that she is being abused, btw - both OH and I are pretty sure that this would most likely be another incident where Mil has been in an altercation with another resident - and that the chances are that she might well have 'started' whatever the incident was. But we did wonder how much this had to do with her sitting by herself again, and if this is the 'norm' because of her behaviour. There were more bruises on the backs of her hands - and again, from experience, those were probably down to her banging on doors - she has a trick of first knocking, then sort of turning her hands round and using the backs of her hands to bang - we saw it so many times when she was here, and even whilst she was at the hospital.
There wasn't an opportunity to collar a member of staff and ask quietly - all the staff were 'on the floor' so to speak, and busy with residents and other visitors. Afterwards, OH and I wondered about Mil sitting by herself - not in a 'complaining way', because we can both see that if Mil is being irritated by and aggressive towards others, then giving her a bit of distance is probably best for her - but if that is the case, then its just so sad, as she was always such a sociable lady, pre-dementia.
Once the ice cream was finally finished, and Mil came up for air, I don't think she really had much of a clue as to who OH and I were - she never once used our names, or said anything that indicated that she was aware of any connection with us. She did, however, greet dau really warmly and got her name right - though again, not sure if she knew who dau is to her. Within about 5 minutes the 'Well - time I was going home' started - nowhere near as agitated as my last visit, but persistent and repetative, with her repeatedly getting up from her seat. Over and over we fed her a long line of distractions and love lies, she would appear to listen, maybe even say OK - and then with the next breath "Right - I'm going now", "Come on, lets go home now", "I'll see you later - I'm going home now". On perhaps 3 separate occasions, as we tried to reassure her and give her a reason why she couldn't go 'yet', she looked at us blankly and said "I don't understand what you mean", before going back into the 'going home' loop. It really seemed that what we were saying just made no sense to her at all - though whether that was her struggling with following a sentence or just not understanding the context of what we were saying within what she believed to be the reality, I don't know. We had a few comments about her going back to school and a couple of references to her Dad giving her money, but mainly it was 'home'. When her eyes started filling with tears, after about 30 minutes, and her remarks about home starting to get a bit tetchy and distressed, we made our excuses and left. She tried to come with us, and again, to be fair, a member of staff was there straight away and managed to distract her.
I was very, VERY glad that she wasn't as agitated as she was on my previous visit - I hadn't really wanted dau to come with us, just in case, but she was adamant that she wanted to see her Nana, and I think she was really pleased that Nana had seemed so warm with her. But, dau wasn't impressed with the home - she found it sad and I think that the very residential, institutional setting wasn't quite what she had imagined - she said that its 'not like a proper home, is it?' a couple of times. I had to agree that no, it wasn't - but explained that though its perhaps not what she or I would consider a 'nice' environment, because of the dementia, that sort of environment meets Nana's needs better now, than we could in a 'proper home'. Not sure if she was convinced. As she talked about the home - the smell of cooking, all the 'plasticky chairs, all alike', all the people 'just sitting', etc - I could sort of see it in very sharp detail through her eyes. Brought home to me how very different it is from what we would have wished for, for Mil. Again - that's something I am going to have to learn to deal with, sadly.
Right - time for me to start work - hope you guys all have a good day xxxxx
Evening,
Ann, I'm very glad that the latest open day went better than the first! It does sound as if you are starting to get to grips with the new job - and really hope you will find that things don't take as long once they have become routine.
How lovely to see the baby otters! They are such lovely animals, lively and inquisitive, I bet the babies are adorable I do hope that your hints to Father Christmas bear fruit and you get another annual pass to the zoo.
I'm sorry that your visits to MIL have been so difficult. I understand your daughter's concerns, a residential home for PWD is not the kind of place where anyone of us would choose to live. I know your daughter is very fond of her nana and saw a lot of her difficult behaviour. However, it wasn't her who cleaned her up and did the mountains of washing and it wasn't her who bore the brunt of the awful aggression. For this reason, I suspect she thought 'it wasn't that bad'. We know otherwise.
Don't forget that guilt is a stage of grief. It is natural for anyone in your situation to wonder if there was anything more they could have done - just as we do when someone dies. You know what to do to the GM, don't you?!
I hope that Spamar and 2Js are now recovered from their injuries. Spamar, I hope you get that BP under control. Mine was up to 220/120 at its worst at the beginning of the year I went from 1 tablet a day to 4 and it is now nicely managed. The new tablets cause some swelling of the ankles, which makes me feel a bit , but that is the worst of it so I can't complain.
((( Amy ))) I'm so sorry that you are still getting carp from your MIL What a nasty way to behave! Actually, my MIL never once spelled my forename correctly in more than 30 years (it's only 3 letters long!). However, I knew that it was not out of malice and that makes a big difference. Happy Anniversary BTW How many years have you and Mr A been together?
Mum doesn't seem to have had any repercussions from her fall, which is a relief.
We went away for the weekend and had a great time. We have done a murder mystery weekend with this company before and they are very good. We didn't quite work out whodunnit but did well at the other games and quizzes during the weekend.
My darling husband had a bug at the beginning of the week and kindly gave it to me, so I came home yesterday feeling hot and fluey I didn't have any aquagym booked for today and cancelled my morning out with BFF. I also sent hubby round to Mum (she needed some bread) as I don't want to give this to her. I'm feeling better today than yesterday, so I'm hoping this will soon be gone.
Hubby didn't go over to Mum until this afternoon. He said Mum had been wondering why we hadn't been round to take her out (we don't usually do that on Mondays) which made me sad. Not so long ago she would have been phoning every few minutes to ask why we were not there. Now we don't get that because she can't remember how to use the phone I never thought I would be sorry the calls have stopped!
We had a text from our son yesterday to say that he was nowhere near the earthquake and was fine. He's up on North Island and says they just felt the edge of the tremors - so he can now say that he has experienced his first earthquake!
Our house moving plans have come to a bit of a standstill. Although I checked with the EA that cats are allowed, it seems that it is not quite that straightforward. Permission has to be given by the rest of the freeholders (flat owners) first, so the vendors have emailed everyone to ask. They also have to give permission for the cat flap to be put in the outside wall. Fingers crossed!!
Ann, I'm very glad that the latest open day went better than the first! It does sound as if you are starting to get to grips with the new job - and really hope you will find that things don't take as long once they have become routine.
How lovely to see the baby otters! They are such lovely animals, lively and inquisitive, I bet the babies are adorable
I do hope that your hints to Father Christmas bear fruit and you get another annual pass to the zoo. I'm sorry that your visits to MIL have been so difficult. I understand your daughter's concerns, a residential home for PWD is not the kind of place where anyone of us would choose to live. I know your daughter is very fond of her nana and saw a lot of her difficult behaviour. However, it wasn't her who cleaned her up and did the mountains of washing and it wasn't her who bore the brunt of the awful aggression. For this reason, I suspect she thought 'it wasn't that bad'. We know otherwise.
Don't forget that guilt is a stage of grief. It is natural for anyone in your situation to wonder if there was anything more they could have done - just as we do when someone dies. You know what to do to the GM, don't you?!
I hope that Spamar and 2Js are now recovered from their injuries. Spamar, I hope you get that BP under control. Mine was up to 220/120 at its worst at the beginning of the year
I went from 1 tablet a day to 4 and it is now nicely managed. The new tablets cause some swelling of the ankles, which makes me feel a bit , but that is the worst of it so I can't complain.((( Amy ))) I'm so sorry that you are still getting carp from your MIL
What a nasty way to behave! Actually, my MIL never once spelled my forename correctly in more than 30 years (it's only 3 letters long!). However, I knew that it was not out of malice and that makes a big difference. Happy Anniversary BTW How many years have you and Mr A been together?Mum doesn't seem to have had any repercussions from her fall, which is a relief.
We went away for the weekend and had a great time. We have done a murder mystery weekend with this company before and they are very good. We didn't quite work out whodunnit but did well at the other games and quizzes during the weekend.
My darling husband had a bug at the beginning of the week and kindly gave it to me, so I came home yesterday feeling hot and fluey
I didn't have any aquagym booked for today and cancelled my morning out with BFF. I also sent hubby round to Mum (she needed some bread) as I don't want to give this to her. I'm feeling better today than yesterday, so I'm hoping this will soon be gone.Hubby didn't go over to Mum until this afternoon. He said Mum had been wondering why we hadn't been round to take her out (we don't usually do that on Mondays) which made me sad. Not so long ago she would have been phoning every few minutes to ask why we were not there. Now we don't get that because she can't remember how to use the phone
I never thought I would be sorry the calls have stopped! We had a text from our son yesterday to say that he was nowhere near the earthquake and was fine. He's up on North Island and says they just felt the edge of the tremors - so he can now say that he has experienced his first earthquake!
Our house moving plans have come to a bit of a standstill. Although I checked with the EA that cats are allowed, it seems that it is not quite that straightforward. Permission has to be given by the rest of the freeholders (flat owners) first, so the vendors have emailed everyone to ask. They also have to give permission for the cat flap to be put in the outside wall. Fingers crossed!!
