1. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    I've been lucky with various cleaners. Some do need a bit of 'training' to do things the way I like them done, but on the whole. The best one did it for free! She had retired and I was pre/post knee op and moving house! The current one is the mother of one of
    OHs carers.

    Had another electric cut! Apparently an overhead cable fault affecting 176 properties, so they were isolated whilst cable repaired. Fortunately they finished a good half hour before anyone thought! Left me time to nip out for coffee and cake!
    Now settling down to F1 denouement.
  2. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    #6482 RedLou, Nov 27, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2016
    Leave visiting MiL to OH and hire a cleaner. You're not superwoman. As for them trying to divert attention - you are right - it's classic tactics and OH, at least, should be ashamed of himself after all you do for his mother, even now. He hasn't had to fight the battles; you've done it for him. When I worked more hours I always had a cleaner. Nowadays OH is so trained that when I got 'flu last Xmas and finally emerged on Xmas Eve, I found the cleaning pixies had done the whole house to a creditable standard and put up the decorations! So it is possible to house-train them, like puppies! ;) (Mind you, it's taken 39 odd years!)
    JM, sorry to hear you're feeling ill.
    Wishing you all, and Ann's household especially, a peaceful Sunday evening.

    PS - you might enjoy Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler, in which a woman walks out on her household for a while. When she comes back, she no longer feels she has to take responsibility for everything and manages to avoid their efforts to pile it back on!
  3. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Hi all,

    (((Ann))) you are absolutely right in saying that the family's 'hurt' over your words is a deflecting tactic. Yes, they might feel hurt, but that does not mean you were wrong.

    You all have choices - everyone mucking on, paying for help, simply not doing things, a combination of these - but you cannot carry on doing everything around the house, ferrying daughter everywhere, fighting with school, visiting MIL and buying what she needs and working, especially as you are doing more hours than you should :mad: Look at that list of things even before the paid work and you will see that it is more than enough for one person.

    You are important. Not 'just' as a mother/wife/carer but as a person in your own right. You deserve better than this - but you will have to fight for it as everyone else is very comfortable as they are thank you!

    (((Jm))) sorry that you have the dreaded lurgy :( Please take it easy and try not to rush around catching up with everything once you feel a bit better. These bugs can take a good few weeks to recover fully.

    Spamar, the power outages sound a real nuisance! I'm glad that the cause has been found and dealt with.

    Red, well done on training your OH! I am very aware of the 'If I make as mess of it I won't be asked again' tactic that seems common and I refused to play along. My hubby now does more around the house than I do! :eek:

    We do have a cleaner, have done for years. I find that they tend to start off really good and then gradually do less and less. Our current lady has followed this pattern but she will not come with us when we move so we don't actually need to 'sack' her.

    This weekend I have got our Christmas letter done, the cards written and addressed. I still have to do Mum's for her. I only have around 8 people to buy for this year and haven't actually got anything yet (although I have ordered a couple of things from Amazon)! I have also filled a suitcase with some of my summer clothes :)

    Hope that everyone has managed to achieve what they wanted to over the weekend.
  4. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    AAAHHH - I feel very unorganised for Christmas - no where near seeing if I have cards from last year in attic - let alone write annual letter. Slugsta - please come up here and organise me.

    I have however booked my preferred on line delivery slot for my supermarket shop - missed the one I wanted for the last 3 years - so feeling smug on that one.

    Spamar - hope you enjoyed the F1 - not a sport I have any interest in at all.

    I can concur that my cleaner started off well and did less and less. I would like to get another but OH says we are better doing it ourselves.

    Amy - nice to hear you got to friends and could do as much or little as you wanted.

    Teenage daughter for sale here - full blown strop over some remark we made about next weeks mocks. She has GCSEs this summer - and doesn't seem to be taking the mocks as seriously as we think she should (although she will get good marks - but not seeing them as exam practice). Hope you are not experiencing the same GCSE pain Ann. She has finally said sorry. But if anyone would like her - fairly well house trained most of the time - she is for sale.

    Work not good - very fed up.

    Need to catch up on ironing that didn't get done when I was ill now.
  5. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Hi, everybody.
    I have done all Christmas cards except 2. One I've lost the address ( and she hasn't replied to email) and the other has recently moved house and is trying to get it sorted before they let anyone know. I think I smell a party there ( one of them has a birthday on Christmas Day).
    Presents I have to buy are bought, most of steps want vouchers, which equals the folding stuff in my eyes. An Amazon order, half of it has come, guess I'd better start chasing! However step kids are not coming until January 2nd, so no sweat!
    Have bought my Advent candle as well, just have to set it up in the next two days!

    Health-wise, blood tests all clear, though I have to have more! Just overweight, says the skinny GP! But I do have a stiff heart, guess the breathlessness come from that.
    In my sorting out in cupboards and drawers, found some jewellery, from OH s family. Before I threw it away, thought I'd better check, just in case! Although some was not diamonds ( thought they were a bit big!) there was enough gold rings to pay for my ( very small) Christmas! Wow!

    JM, have followed F1 since childhood. However, I hear is not going to be 'free' for much longer, and I'm not going to sky or BT just for that! Did you see Tour de Celeb yesterday btw?
    Went to a meeting today, nothing to do with dementia for a change, and started chatting to somebody who knew people I know, same industry, lovely to just gossip and pretend my brain is still fully functioning! As opposed to being stressed out, I hasten to add!

    Have a good time, hope Ann has survived her busy day, JM is recovering, Grace is walking well and surviving the out-laws, and the rest are getting ready for Christmas!
  6. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning everyone,

    Thank you (yet again, you lovely lot!) for all the advice and support. Things have calmed here, OH is now seeing to all his own washing. ironing, and preparing his own food for work. He has also got stuck into the ironing and some of the housework, since Sunday evening (when we reached a truce) - whether it lasts or not, we'll see. I suspect it will take a lot more to get dau to do a little more, even now. She is currently in the thick of several GCSE's (mock and otherwise - and yes, JM - we are also suffering the 'exam strops' from her!), and she does do 2 to 3 sessions a week as a volunteer at the local childrens swimming classes, BUT I have said that I expect her to tidy her 'stuff' away, clean the bath and tidy the bathroom after she has used it, and take a share of doing the dishes. I don't think that's an awful lot, even given what she has going on at the moment - but still, dau seems to feel that its all 'too much' for her :rolleyes: Each night, there are strong words exchanged over her not putting shampoo's and so on back where they belong, over her not cleaning the bath and over her clothes being left on the bathroom floor, along with wet towels and water splashes. And reminding her it was her turn for the dishes last night brought forth sighs and eye rolls and snappy replies. Then after she went up for bath and bed, I discovered that she had washed (but not dried) the dishes - and to add to it, she had been playing with some trick she had been told about by one of her friends, which involved a balloon and baking powder (dont ask - I have no idea!) and the sink, worktops, supposedly clean dishes and even the floor were covered in said baking powder :mad: She was hauled downstairs to put it all right - and yet had the attitude that I was being extremely unreasonable and that I was totally out of order to be put out about the mess. I think its going to take some work to get her to be a little more reasonable. As for me - I need to stick to my guns about doing only so much and no more. OH said that 'work' had simply 'caught up' with him over the last couple of weeks, reminding me that nights play havoc with sleep patterns and he had been just too exhausted to help. Thats fine. But doing what I do 'catches up' with me too - so rather than just carry on and end up seething with resentment, I will be taking a leaf out of his book and when I feel 'too exhausted', well - I'll just stop and do a lot less too. I wonder what the reaction will be?

    JM, sorry to read you have been struck by the lurgy, hun - really hope that you are on the mend quickly. I've not made much of an effort towards Christmas yet - got a couple of 'stocking fillers' for the kids and Mil, bought wrapping paper and gift tags - that's about it. I'm off Thursday and Friday this week (met with my manager for my one to one and she told me to take back some of the extra hours) and have my Christmas savings sitting there, so I hope to break the back of the present shopping then. As for cards, Spamar and Slugsta - only for Nearest and Dearest this year ! I'm leting it be known that I'm making a small donation to a charity in lieu of the rest of the cards - its something a few people I know do, and I like the idea.

    Spamar - glad all your blood tests have come back clear, and hope the issuewith your heart can be helped to ease the breathlessness for you x

    Grace and Amy - hope you are both OK?

    Son and his GF have made a flying visit, and yesterday I took both to visit Mil - first time son has been to the home. Mil greeted me - then spotted son, she squealed his name and her whole face lit up, to the extent that the carers around us all said a collective 'Awwwwwww' :) I'd been warned when we arrived that she was having an 'upset sort of day' - she had refused lunch and was very tearful and agitated. But seeing her grandson (who she seemed to actually know was her Grandson, yesterday) seemed to completely break the miserable mood for her - which was great. She got my name right, but 5 minutes later was asking me did I know Ann? and telling me about how Ann's boyfriend had cut her hair for her. Then a few minutes after that, she was talking about me to son, and referring to me as her cousin. Son's GF - who she hadn't met before - was greeted politely when they were introduced, then within a short time, Mil was confabulating away about their shared history - fair play to R, son's girl friend - she just played along and was very sweet with Mil. A lot of disjointed chat from her - everything said very clearly, but just jumping from one delusion/confabulation to the next mid-sentence. 'This place' was work, a college, a school, 'just like that other place' she had been to and did I know if they were owned by the same people? After about 20 minutes, mentions of home started - Mil asked me to fetch her coat and I improvised that I'd taken her coat to the dry cleaners and would go pick it up for her now, ready for her to leave 'later' - and that's how we took our leave yesterday, though once again, it took a member of staff to help distract.

    The assistant manageress told us that a doctor had been to see Mil, ready for the best interest meeting (tomorrow) as regards the DOL's - apparently a doctor has to be involved to help decide capacity (yet again - how many times do they have to decide that she has no capacity? Such a waste of time and resources!). Apparently , despite being told several times that he was a doctor, Mil referred to him as 'Father' throughout the whole visit, talked to him about 'keeping the church nice', and went into a bit of a panic as he left, as she didn't have half a crown for the collection. The manageress said that Mil was 'very sweet' throughout - and that she didn't think that there would be any silly arguments about Mil having capacity :rolleyes:

    Long day today, work wise - but want everything done so I can take the next couple of days off, and get the bulk of the Xmas gifts organised.

    Hope you all have a good day xxxx
  7. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    Ann, glad to hear you and family have a truce.

    Next time daughter does not put the shampoo back just remove it, it worked a treat with me as a teenager. :D
  8. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Greetings to everyone! I am not yet caught up but wanted to send best wishes to you all. Sorry to hear of various travails (teenagers, illnesses, et cetera) and hope you're all as well as possible.

    We had a lovely, wonderful, relaxing holiday (both Thanksgiving itself and the entire trip). My husband looks and seems better than he has since his father died this summer. We have amazing and kind friends and I haven't words for the depth of my gratitude to them. I could go on but you get the idea.

    I don't even like to contemplate what is next, either in terms of Christmas or dementia, but after our holiday it doesn't seem quite so overwhelming and awful. More soon.
  9. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    Glad to hear that you had a good holiday Amy x.
  10. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all (it's certainly evening not afternoon, it's as black as your Granny's hat outside!),

    Ann, I'm so glad that you have reached a truce, of sorts, with your OH and daughter. I suspect they will both s;lip back into old ways and need 'reminding' frequently until things become habit. Of course, your hubby must get utterly exhausted with the shift work - as do you with all the running around you do!

    I'm also glad to hear that you have some time off in lieu, I hope you can get done everything that you want/need.

    How lovely that MIL was so glad to see your son - and that his gf was kind and patient with her :)

    Amy, welcome home :) I'm glad that you have such a great time, it was well deserved.

    Spamar, it sounds as if you are making good progress towards Christmas, I bet the money from the jewellery was very welcome! It's good that your health MOT was generally positive but I, like Ann, hope there is something that can be done to help your breathing.

    We took Mum to pick up her new specs today. I had contacted DWP for a copy of her entitlement letter for Guaranteed pension credit so was able to get just over £60 off the cost :)

    When I got home I settled down to do Mum's Christmas cards. I simply sent one to everyone with a full name and address in her book - so I hope the TV repair man (for instance) does not get a card saying 'with love from **** xx' :D

    I'm struggling a bit with ideas for gifts to get Mum. Someone on another thread recommended a particular author, so I have got one of those. Otherwise, I think it is going to be socks and food (she doesn't like cosmetics, smelly toiletries etc and has enough clothes to last her for the next 10 years at least!).

    Sending everyone vibes ~~~ for patience, strength and warmth!
  11. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning all,

    She would just help herself to mine if I did that Sue :rolleyes: :) x

    It's lovely to hear that you have had such a nice break, Amy - so pleased for you and your OH, as Slugsta says - well deserved!

    Slugsta, am also struggling with idea's for Mil - I have a cardigan and a new pair of trousers on my list - but in truth, she needs neither! I've kept back a CD and DVD that I bought, as 'stocking fillers' for her, I've added a couple of pairs of fluffy bed socks and a little bauble shaped box with half a dozen chocolate coins in it (she has a thing about chocolate coins at Christmas!) and a new, pretty top - but now I'm stuck! I made sure she had plenty of nighties/pjs/ordinary clothes going into the home, she has plenty of little 'knick-knacks' about her room, more chocs or sweet stuff isn't a good idea with her diabetes (especially as the home are likely to be serving up plenty of treats at this time of year), books don't interest any more, and she has stopped even asking for lipstick or perfume. I guess I can add a few bath and shower products (chances are the friends who I know will buy for her will get her plenty of that sort of thing though). It seems there is so little that she would enjoy at this stage - I'm stymied!

    We have yet another 'best interest' style meeting today, about the home applying a DOL's to Mil - another 'new' social worker (who will see her this once, and then if a need arises for a SW worker again, no doubt it will be someone new again) and I would imagine one of the homes managers. Hopefully, we'll get some feedback on any issues and how she is settling - the impression I've had so far is she can be quite a handful, but nothing they can't cope with (thank the Lord!). Hoping its over quickly, as my plans to take some of my hours back are looking unlikely - the mess caused by the group I was working with last week is having repercusions, as I have a particluar task that I MUST get sorted by Monday, but am reliant on waiting around for responses from others - so will have to keep checking my emails and responding today - and possibly tomorrow too :(

    I hit the internet last night, and youngest is now pretty much sorted for Xmas - just a couple of stocking fillers for her to get. I also hit a local shopping park, and got most of the stocking fillers for the two oldest, a few for OH and most of the doggies pressies (if they don't have plenty to open on the day, the pups will take it upon themselves to 'help' opening gifts belonging to others :rolleyes: ). Stuck on main presents for oldest two (though I think son wants cash) and OH, as well as Mil - for once, none of them have given me much of a clue. I've told 'em they have till the end of the week - then they will simply end up with whatever I decide and will have to lump it! The school - after being threatened with the Educational Workforce Council - have finally decided to at least make a show of doing 'something', and I now have been requested to send yet MORE copies of all correspondence and also let them know when I can fit in meeting the BOG. More hassle, but again - not much choice :(

    Hope you all have a good day, love to all xxxx
  12. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    A new scarf...or another throw for her chair or bed, failing that, just bubble bath and hand cream. In all seriousness, MIL will not register Christmas in the same way as she has in the past. Mum's first year in the CH we could keep everything more or less as it usually was but she was much less disturbed than your MIL, but by her last Christmas, presents were very much a token gesture.

    It is strange ( and wrong in your mind, I know)....but Christmas for MIL will never be the same again.:(
  13. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013

    Yep - very 'wrong' in my mind, you are right there, Maureen. The way Mil is now, her preferences and beliefs in what she does and what she likes are totally based on her own ever-changing delusional creations about her reality. Last week, when I visited her by myself, she was sat by a member of staff who was trying to interest her in some Xmas crafts - and I asked what she wanted for Christmas (just making conversation, really). She told me her Mum and Dad were buying her a new bike, so perhaps a bell would be nice? I think I will just do as you suggest and grab 'token' pressies - hankies, bubble baths and smellies, to go with a cardigan and the CD/DVD.

    Found out at the meeting today that Mil is now fully funded by CHC! You could have knocked me down with a feather - the Social Worker - who is only involved with DoL's, so unlikely we will see much of her again - was refreshingly frank, and as surprised as we were. I described the disgusting 'battle' , disguised as a 'best interest meeting' that I'd spent nearly 3 hours at, where a SW and nurse basically argued about who was paying for Mils care - she pretty much agreed that if Mil hadn't been getting 117 funding, its doubtful she would have qualified for CHC - this was a case of the SW at the meeting making out a strong argument, in order to pass the costs onto the NHS. I asked (again) what would happen if CHC was withdrawn at a later date and she told me that 'they' can't wriggle out of it - if CHC stop paying, Mil would still be 100% entitled to 117 funding - and unless she 'recovers' from the dementia, that will never change.
  14. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    .....Sad Cheers:(:):(
  15. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Oh Ann, (((((hugs)))) to you after all your hard work, sweat and tears. I bet you cannot express how you feel now!! Thinking of you all!
  16. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    Oh, Ann - it's almost like they chucking MIL from one to the other, as regards the funding - "YOUR responsibility." "Uh-uh! No thanks - YOU can have her!" :(
    And yet- it is good news, isn't it? As Maureen said - sad cheers!
  17. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evening all,

    Ann, I'm glad that the meeting seems to have gone smoothly and that any uncertainty over MIL's funding has been dispelled. So sad that it is needed but the best outcome in the circumstances.

    I never have much imagination about gifts, although I am quite good at squirelling away little things that people have said, so can sometimes remember something they have mentioned a while ago. Hubby is always difficult to buy for - as he says, if there is anything he wants he will buy it! As bis birthday is in November, I tend to have used up any ideas for that, leaving me totally stumped for Christmas! This year he has asked for some cufflinks as he has mislaid the box with his in.

    Mum has always been difficult as she is not interested in make-up, perfume, smelly toiletries, clothes etc but she used to enjoy various crafts. No longer though :( Having survived many years of 'wrong' gifts, I now make an explicit list (on Amazon these days) and let hubby get on with it :)

    I have Alf on my lap/legs which is making typing difficult, so I am going to wish you all well and say 'goodnight'.
  18. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning all,

    "Sad Cheers" - very apt, Maureen x

    And thanks, LadyA and Spamar - very hard to express how I feel is accurate too.

    Mostly its disgust, I guess. By comparison to a lot of others on here, we never really fought for funding for Mil - we may not have liked it that all of her and her late husbands efforts to 'leave something' for OH would be swallowed up if Mil went into care, we may have felt (and still feel) that its flipping disgusting that someone who is ill has to pay for their care - but, we had other more immediate things to worry and battle about, and accepted from the start that should she eventually have to go into a residential setting (though for a long time, we were determined to keep her at home with us anyway so it really wasn't even something we thought about that much), then she would pay. Having read about the angst and misery and stress of other's on TP, as they tried to battle for CHC for their loved ones, I actually said several times that I would never even bother applying for it, if push came to shove. Even after we found out that her being placed under a section 3 meant that all her care would be paid for, we were still hoping to get her home and anyway, I fully expected there to be some loophole which would result in her paying, 117 funding or not. If we worried about anything to do with funding, it was to do with what would happen if she ended up in residential care and and her money ran out? Was there a chance that the council could then decree that she must move somewhere cheaper than whatever home she had (hopefully) settled in, if the fee's were too far over the rate that the LA were prepared to pay?

    It was only after the decision was made that Mil would have to go into residential care that I looked in any detail at 117, and finally acepted that the costs would be covered and there wasn't much of a chance that she would end up paying. Obviously, I was glad, given that I don't think anyone should pay for their care as a result of this awful illness, but there was also a sense of guilt that it had come about with no effort on mine or OH's part - because when you read of the hell that others go through, trying to get what's right and fair by way of funding for their loved ones, this was just too easy! The disgust comes in over the CHC part and the battling between the LA and the NHS as they - as LadyA says - basically 'chucked' Mil from one to the other, arguing over responsibility. The fact that they had the cheek to claim it was all about Mil's 'best interests', when it was all about passing the financial buck and had nothing to do with what was best for her at all, sickened me - I think I said at the time it all felt rather sordid and nasty. I was angry at the waste of resources, because all the meetings and the panal and whateve else they did must have cost something - why waste all that, when she was entitled to funding under 117 and when (from everything else I'd read) she was very unlikely to be awarded CHC anyway? And now to be told that she has been awarded CHC and realise that it almost certainly wasn't awarded because of her condition, but simply because in her case, the LA actually fought to get it for her, not for her benefit, but to save them having to pay out of their budget.

    It just leaves a very nasty taste in your mouth at the unfairness and hypocrisy of it all :(

    I spent part of late yesterday wrapping the gifts I have so far - youngest is now totally sorted, but I'm still stuck over oldest two and OH - none of 'em know what they want! I'm going to sort my two best mates, and the 2 kids that one of 'em has that I always like to buy for today - and I've warned the family that if they don't come up with something concrete and sensible by Monday, then they will get a few stocking fillers and just cash!

    Not working today - except that I am hoping for a very important phone call so will have to carry my work phone round with me, anyway! I've planned to go visit one of my best friends, as she has just got herself a puppy - a 'Jackapoo' (that name creases me up!) and I'm dying to meet him.

    Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
  19. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    (((Ann))) hope you enjoyed yourself with the puppy. Our cleaner has a Shih Tzu x poodle - but insists it is not a '5h1t poo'! :D
  20. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Good afternoon ladies, hope you are all as well as can be. Hopefully having a lovely relaxing weekend! Forget Christmas! I'm OK cos I've got the cards done, though not yet posted, sorted most and the family aren't coming til the 2nd! So the first person to call me smug is probably right! On the other hand, I've still got paperwork looming and at least a nod to decorations to arrange!

    It's been a beautiful day here, the places to go were crowded, loads of cyclists and a load of moter bikes buzzing around! Tomorrow, I have promised myself -again - that I will sort out the freezer! My cleaner is here, she can wash the drawers ( it's an upright) while I do the rest. If I can't, she can! If you follow me!

    Really just burbling cos no ones been on for 2 whole days!

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