Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[Alora]

Thank you very much for your help everyone.

You must think me a right Wally! No excuse but I was the youngest child and I lack confidence in my abilities.

coming here gives me strength thank You for your time and patience.

i did speak to the Solicitor who created the poas and he needed to speak to my mum to see if she still wanted me to be her other LPA before he could send me a copy. I managed to explain about Mum in detail, about my brother behaviour and so on. Im still waiting to hear back.

I didn’t know that a Solicitor could not help and I will do all that you suggest - I’m learning and fast.

I need to search mum’s home to see if I can find anything but I would guess it’s all at my brothers house.

strange that someone mentioned my brother might have early dementia - I’ve thought that myself.

Alora

 

[nita]

I've only read through your post quickly but it sounds to me like your Mum, though she had capacity when you drew up the LPA, she has not now got capacity. Therefore, the solicitor should not need to speak to her to ask her if she still wants you to be an attorney. You should have had a copy in the first place. Has the Finance LPA been registered? I imagine if your brother has taken over the finances it has. That in itself is an indication that she can't handle her own affairs any longer. Insist the solicitor gives you a copy. Have you mentioned to them that you are considering contacting the OPG regarding your concerns about your brother's behaviour?

Someone mentioned "safeguarding" - that means telling Social Services that you have concerns about your mother's well being. Admittedly, they often refer to the person themselves and if they don't want help they won't offer it but if you feel your mother's health is being adversely affected, I think they should step in. Perhaps you can alert them of your concerns too.. Your brother is unwilling to spend his mother's money on her behalf for items and services that would clearly benefit her. This is tantamount to neglect.

 

[MartinWL]

Really odd that the solicitor wants to speak to your mum. We don't think she has capacity to change the POA arrangements. I wonder what instructions has received. My suggestion is to get a copy direct from the OPG. If you're her attorney the solicitor can speak to you not your mum, you represent her. Something odd is going on.

 

[Alora]

I agree Martin - I think it’s strange too. I did manage to say that Mum has a diagnosis of dementia on her medical records. I will contact the OPG tomorrow.

We did have an argument last year I demanded more of a role as LPA and we had a family meeting. I tried to get Mum to agree to me taking the finances over or more involvement but she just got cross with me. Then my brother got up sayin g he was going to call a Solicitor but he didn’t tell me why. In the end I apologised to Mum as I just felt she wanted her wish of my brother running the show. I had a feeling that if a solicitor arrived mum would ask to have me removed so I backed down. I then got an email from my brother saying I could remain the other LPA.

 

[Alora]

As someone said earlier whilst my brother has my mum’s ear and she defers to males I’m scuppered. The LPA was my wedge to help mum have a better life, not for myself.. Im also battling with an elderly lady, determinEd but who is falling apart mentally. It’s been a real struggle to get anybody to listen to me over past 4 years. Hopefully, the Solicitor will tell me I’m still LPA. I suspect my brother is behind it all . I’ll contact the OPG and SS again. I’m still waiting to hear back about mum’s hospital appointment.

Thanks again

 

[Duggies-girl]

The solicitor does not need to speak to your mother, you have POA se he should speak to you. That is the purpose of the POA for when your mum cannot make sensible decisions anymore and that time is now.

I also suspect that your brother has some kind of problem such as early dementia (unless he has always behaved this way) which may explain why he is behaving so unreasonably. This makes it even more important that you actually get to see your mums accounts and also stop him somehow from treating his mother in this ghastly way. Am I right that she often does not see anyone for days or are you there every day. What if she falls in her isolated filthy house. How will your brother explain that to social services.

 

[Pots and Pans]

A thought. If your mum alone a lot pendant schemes to call for help in case of a fall are a good idea and hard to see how your brother would not agree this is worth paying for. It's not anywhere near as pricey as carers and only needs a key safe outside ( in our area the Bobby van through council/ police could arrange someone to fit this) After all no one not family would go in the house unless your mum activates the pendant in a crisis, ie: calls them herself. However they can go round if you call with serious concern, stressing how she may have taken it off due to dementia/age etc. ( Though only do this if you are very worried eg knowing of a recent illness) I had to do this for my own mum some years ago... living alone (not dementia but vulnerable as not very mobile and kept cancelling carers we had arranged) as she did not pick up phone when I knew she was in, repeatedly trying to reach her when I was too far away to get there to check myself. They did check and called an ambulance as she was in trouble. This might help ease your own worry between calls as you are obviously worried about your mum, so might not sort main problem but might help you, help you worry less if you know she could call for help. If she can barely walk, what would happen if she had a fall 5 minutes after a visit? .And if there ever was a problem that led to a trip to hospital might initiate discussion about care plans. Dementia might also mean her using pendant erratically and ditto initiating concern with authorities. Btw I don't know how call barring works but does this mean no one can even call your mum? That sounds very odd.

 

[Violet Jane]

I’m very concerned by what you have said about your mother living in a remote area, having no neighbours and not being able to make a phone call. Does that mean that you cannot ring her? I assume that you cannot visit her every day. What would happen if she had a fall (which is not an unusual occurrence for a frail elderly person)? Could she be lying on the floor for days or weeks? Carers coming in twice a day would ensure that your mother would not be lying on the floor for more than, say, 12 hours, which is long enough.

There are pendant alarms that you can get but people with dementia may not wear them / may take them off / may not remember to use them if they fall. Your mother might have to pay for one though; it depends on the local authority.

I would be inclined to contact the OPG for a copy of the PoA and go to a different solicitor. Your mother is the client of the one who drew it up and he’s probably correct that he cannot give youdocuments without her consent unless he has evidence that she has lost capacity and can no longer give consent. Are you sure that you don’t already have a copy? You should have been sent one when it was registered by the OPG.

I’m frankly astonished by how lackadaisical SS have been. Regardless of the ins and outs of who has a PoA / who is managing your mother’s finances they have a duty of care to her as a vulnerable adult and they should be seeing your mother if concerns have been expressed about her welfare. It’s not uncommon for people to say that they don’t want help and for family members to be reluctant to spend the person’s money because they have an eye on their inheritance.

As for your brother, only you know why he is behaving this way. I thought that it was about misappropriating money / protecting his inheritance but I’m now wondering whether he is mentally ill and / or is in complete denial about your mother’s state of health and welfare and / or is someone who doesn’t want strangers coming into the house (this is a private family matter etc) and / or does not understand that you cannot always defer to what a PWD wants but need to provide what they need. What do you think explains your brother’s behaviour? What is he like / was he like generally?

 

[Alora]

Hello again Violet Jane

its a long story and I’ve been here since 2015 trying to get help for Mum as I lived next door everyone stepped back and let me be the ‘lookout’. It’s human nature I was the closer one. So I kept an eye on Mum. She did very well and tried not to bother me. I did call social care many times but if there a member of family close by they won’t step in.

I tried everything - pendant, befriender, social care, the gp but I hit a brick wall. I tried my brother many times and all he’d say ‘it’s not what mum wants’. I ‘d say what if mum falls, what if her electrics go, what if whst if but I was met by silence.

it did get very. near in 2020 when mum had a tioletting accident and I contacted social care and the gp and a social worker was allocated but mum wouldn’t answer the phone. The social worker called to say that ‘yiur brother is the aggressor and had said he did not want to spend mum’s money on care’.

i used to tortured by guilt but it became too much for me mentally I guess. and I started to resent my brother’s attitude of running the show and treating me as the next door minder. He used to drop in and see Mum every 3 - 4 months but he did call her every week. As mum grew more forgetful and started wandering and neighbours were calling me to bring her home I just knew I needed to move.

I did move away last year in the hope that this would trigger my brother and mum. agreeing to her having some help but it never happened. She still spent days on her own and grew more frail and vacant. She had not left her home since June 2019 and this week for the hospital visit was the first she’d been out.

Now my brother visits every 5 to 6 weeks and me every month apart from that she sees no one. She has one neighbour who keeps very much to herself.

I love my mum very much but I was always battling with family dct to be heard and I got was ‘I’m okay’ ‘she doesn’t want it’ ‘your mum is okay’ ‘it’s not what mum wants’.

my late father was the same - almost collapsing with cancer before he gave in. I think mum is still switched on enough to use the same tactics…I just don’t know any more.

All i know is I’m kept from much ‘out of the loop’, my brother is in charge with Mum fselling into step.

Now it looks like I could lose the LPA and my brother will be totally in charge.

He is an enigma to me always has been - quiet, in the background, planning. If he has early dementia this could explain a lot. In fact a male friend met him briefly and he said the same thing….

 

[Alora]

The call baring was put on for security - it’s not barring but mum can choose whether to answer it or not. When means she is in charge. There’s a key safe and she keeps the door locked mostly but leaves back door open.

i think she’s terrified of being taken into care and it could be my brother is supporting her by doing as much as he can whilst spending as least as possible. I live an hour away and my brother two and she is on her own in a remote area.

He’s either taken on the role of her saviour against the world but also being very mean financially.

My father would say that my brother would ‘fall off his wallet’. meanibg that he is tight with money.

He is antisocial, introvert and can be controlling.

 

[canary]

Firstly, as everyone has said - you cannot lose the LPA. Your mum cant just say that she wants you removed from the existing LPA - she would have have to revoke the whole thing (which would also include revoking your brother as LPA) and make a new one. I really dont think she is able to do that anymore. Your brother seems to think that either he or your mum can amend an existing LPA, but they cant. It can only be done by the Office of Public Guardians and even then he would have to have proof that you were stealing her money and/or neglecting her. It would also cost £400 just to have the court case, as well as any solicitors fees plus other charges. I really cant see that happening - and besides which I think that if the Office of Public Guardians started looking at your mums finances it could all backfire on him! He is just trying to bully you.

Secondly, all the professionals (solicitor, Social Services etc) are assuming that your mum has capacity (when I do not believe that she has) and that is why they are saying that it is her choice and/or they have to contact her. The reason they are doing this is because the Mental Health Act says that unless you can show otherwise, you have to assume that someone has capacity and it is so long since your mum has seen anyone that they dont know that she has lost capacity. Its a catch 22 situation, Im afraid.

I would try writing to Social Services again and use various buzz words - that she is a "vulnerable adult with dementia" who is "at risk" (outline this risk - she has poor mobility, she cannot use the phone, she has no carers, if she fell no-one would find her etc) and although she has refused carers in the past you believe that she "no longer has capacity to make this decision". Also describe the state of her house and say that you fear that she is being neglected.

 

[Alora]

Thank you very much.

will cintact ss tiday.

 

[Sarasa]

You know what they say about eating an elephant, just keep taking tiny bites. You have a lot of things going on round your mum and her care and you aren't going to solve them all at once. I'd start with social services before worrying too much about the POA and your brother. You might need to be persistent.
The other thing is not to to involve your mum in any decisions. I know from experience with my mother it is difficult to believe that someone we know and love can be so different that trying to get them to do the sensible thing in a given situation is impossible, but she is really past the stage of being able to make informed decisions about her care.

 

[lollyc]

Thank you very much.

will cintact ss tiday.

Have you looked at OPG website? Lots of information regarding how to report concerns etc. I'm not saying don't involve a solicitor, but it makes sense to approach OPG first. They may say there are grounds to investigate further - in which case you've saved yourself the cost of a solicitor to tell you the same thing. You may also be able to request a copy of POA, if solicitor won't give it to you (that seems very odd.)
OPG must deal with this sort of thing all the time.
Whatever your brother says, he can't simpy remove your POA - this is a legal document, and there is a correct process to go through. It is abundantly clear that you have have not abused it - you haven't even used it!!

Make sure the your tell SS that the situation is urgent - as many have pointed out, your mother could have a fall or sustain a serious injury and not be found for days.
My concern about you not having POA is that if SS determine that your mum needs care - and it is hopefully glaringly obvious that that is the case - she will be self-funding, and the ball will be back in your court. Your brother will refuse to arrange it and nothing will change.

 

[MartinWL]

Thank you very much.

will cintact ss tiday.

I just want to agree with everything that @canary says above. Do try to get social services involved. If they support your view that mum doesn't have capacity for decisions about attornies it will strengthen your position a great deal. And do apply to the Office of the Public Guardian for a copy of the LPAs ( there may be two, one for financial affairs, one for health), you must get your hands on this. There might be special conditions in it.

 

[Violet Jane]

All very good advice above. I can imagine that you feel overwhelmed and feel that you're going round in circles with everyone you contact rebuffing you / creating obstacles. Please look after yourself in all this as it's a very stressful situation and must be taking a toll on your health.

A medical professional has seen your mother in a poor state and received your letter. Give yourself a pat on the back for that.

I would contact SS next. Be really blunt about the risks to your mother, particularly as the weather is getting a lot colder. Include all the things that Canary has mentioned. Say that you believe that your mother no longer has capacity because of her inability to understand that she is neglecting herself and putting herself at risk. Stress that if she fell she might lie on the floor for days because nobody is checking in on her and she doesn't wear / is incapable of using a pendant alarm. If SS say that they can't contact her or she refuses to be assessed then kick up a big fuss. Threaten to go to the SW's manager if need be. She has a dementia diagnosis, is 96 years old and lives alone with no local support at all, all of which together should be a red flag for vulnerability.

I'm afraid that if you really want to do something to help your mother you are going to have to prepared to fall out with your brother, perhaps for good. He will not like it if you challenge him or report him to the OPG. Your desire to keep him in your life is holding you back.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

All excellent advice here, particularly regarding your PoA. The OPG can only investigate how it has been used - and your brother is the only one who has used it, so I doubt very much he would want his own actions scrutinised! It's an empty threat and he's counting on you not knowing he doesn't have the power plus getting your mum onside with the 'men should be in charge of money' thing. He knows he can count on her to agree about that because that's her mindset and it will never change.

I also want to say - very clearly - that you are absolutely not a wally! As I've mentioned in a previous post, it's all very well knowing what's wrong or what needs to be done but with family dynamics like yours, it's incredibly hard. As I've said, I did sort things out with my brother in the end, albeit very reluctantly on his part, but the trouble was (and still is) that since we both left home, we've only seen each other every other Christmas for a few hours so we are completely estranged. I'm afraid we disliked each other intensely as kids, very competitive and fought all the time. A lot of bad feeling and mean behaviour on both sides... However, since then we've always been polite and 'nice' because we only has those short Xmas meets with our parents, never having any contact between. When mum got ill we were forced to speak to each other and try to form a new relationship. I won't lie - it's been very difficult and still is! I've been able to move on and accept he is a different person these days, at least in some ways but he can't. It's as though he's still steaming over an argument we had in our teens! And he treats me like I was still 15. I'm 61!

Anyway, the point is that I entirely understand how diffcult it is to break out of the old habits that are just not appropriate now you're a grown up. I mean, how dare he treat you like this - he's not 'the boss' any more than you! I had to point this out to dear Bro when he tried to take the same line about how he should be in charge of finances because that's what mum and dad always wanted. But dad had been dead 20 years and mum had made her will and set up LPA - for both of us - shortly after, i.e. she knew exactly what she was doing. It's the same with your mum - you have the law on your side. But you also have a controlling, manipulating bully of a brother and I know how maddeningly frustrating that is. Don't worry too much if you can't change everything immediately. You're getting there...

 

[Alora]

I’ve spoken to the solicitor (who prepared poa) who can’t speak to Mum for some reason (the call barring is the problem) so I told him that I’d emailed the OPG for a copy of the poa. and so not to bother mum. I could go back to him for help.

He advised that I contact my brother, ask for ALL the accounts & bank details and, armed with poa I can do what you’ve all advised. He said that if this isnot forthcoming then I should threaten to go to the OPG. He says that, unless I can prove there‘s been wrong doing then there’s nothing that can be done. I have to show that my brother has spent the money elsewhere. Even though my brother has behaved badly it’s not enough (in his opinion - but it’s not objective ) to warrant going to OPG.

He said the same as you that mum’s mental capacity - or lack of - has to be proved by letters to ss, gp.

ive emailed mum‘s surgery - using Canary’s prompts as well as social services.

If I can get through to OPG I’ll ask their advice.

I hope I’ve done everything,

 

[Violet Jane]

Not spending money on care that is clearly needed IS wrongdoing in my opinion. I appreciate that it’s not as clear cut as stealing her money but when the attorney is likely to be a beneficiary of the PWD’s estate there must be a strong presumption of the attorney not acting in the PWD’s best interests.

 

[Starting on a journey]

You have done really well! You have got the ball rolling. I for one am really proud of you taking this on and trying to help your mum have a safer and more comfortable lifestyle.