Loving my husband less

[canary]

@Skylark/2 - Ive just reread this thread from the beginning and Ive noticed that your husband is on donepezil.

No-one has picked up on this, so I thought I would mention that one of the side-affects of donepezil is that it can overstimulate the brain causing mania, agitation, aggression and hypersexuality.

I really do think it would be worth asking about coming off this drug, especially as he might be given memantine

 

[Violet Jane]

It's important for @Skylark/2's sons to know just what their mother is dealing with.

 

[Skylark/2]

After a long talk and lots of explaining as to how my husband had got it wrong, he asked me to send an email to our son saying he regretted the events and hoped to see him and his family at Xmas! As I was doing it, our son phoned to check how I was and I put his dad on the phone fora brief chat. Normal service resumed!
Skyped 2nd son today and 3 year old granddaughter, they live in theStates. She is a joy. Afterwards, second son emailed me and asked if all was o.k because he could see something was wrong when looking at dad’s face! I then had to bring him up to speed about his brother’s visit.
All I can say is I am proud of my sons caring, concern,and not afraid to show their emotions.
thank you all for your continuing support.

 

[Kath610]

@Skylark/2 - Ive just reread this thread from the beginning and Ive noticed that your husband is on donepezil.

No-one has picked up on this, so I thought I would mention that one of the side-affects of donepezil is that it can overstimulate the brain causing mania, agitation, aggression and hypersexuality.

I really do think it would be worth asking about coming off this drug, especially as he might be given memantine

@Skylark/2 - Ive just reread this thread from the beginning and Ive noticed that your husband is on donepezil.

No-one has picked up on this, so I thought I would mention that one of the side-affects of donepezil is that it can overstimulate the brain causing mania, agitation, aggression and hypersexuality.

I really do think it would be worth asking about coming off this drug, especially as he might be given memantine

@canary and @Skylark/2 , that explains quite a lot - my husband was prescribed Donepezil when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year and he displayed every one of the characteristics you describe. He was started on Memantine about 5 weeks ago. He is still taking the Donepezil alongside it but is almost on the full 20mg tablets (Memantine) and the difference is incredible. The aggressive, verbally abusive behaviour has gone and although the sulking and annoyance is still there it doesn't last. People have remarked on how much calmer and better he is looking.

 

[Kath610]

Hello @Violet Jane ,
our son has just left and I would like to say it was a successful visit…….it wasn’t.
Our son is 51 , and over a cup of coffee he spoke quietly and gently about his concerns for both of us, particularly our social isolation. My husband took it completely the wrong way, he wasn’t having his son telling him what to do etc. Our son ended up almost in tears (51 years old with a responsible job) saying he ( and his brother who lives in the States) was just trying to help. Husband’s reply was he wasn’t helping, he was making him annoyed and was belittling him. Totally,totally wrong, but husband won’t accept that. I ended up suggestion a coffee in a cafe , on the grounds that my husband wouldn’t kick off in public. My husband was also referring to something he thought ( wrongly ) that was said over a year ago. Every so often he brings it up and I have given up trying to tell him he’s wrong!
This disease is tearing the family apart, when a father thinks that because a son is tearful , it’s a sign of weakness.

Hello @Skylark/2 , another reason to set up a WhatsApp group for you and your sons. You can talk to them privately and keep them informed at all times. It's a free service so you can talk to your son in the US without worrying about the cost.
I have three sons - two of them talked to my husband about their concerns before he was diagnosed last year and of course he was furious with them and with me ("How could they talk to me like that? They don't know anything - I don't want to see them ever again" etc) I told him it was because they were concerned about him, about both of us, and although he didn't want to believe me, time has gone on and he has forgotten the incident.
Well done to your son for facing up to his dad. Calling emotion a sign of weakness is the dementia talking, coupled with anger and probably frustration and embarrassment - the only defence your husband has at this time is to shout and bawl because deep down he knows the roles have reversed and your son - not him - is now the authority figure. Another blow to his self confidence.
@canary mentioned the side effects of Donepezil - it certainly described my husband and yours too. Hopefully the Memantine will be prescribed soon and will have an effect.

 

[JaxG]

@Skylark/2 I feel for you. As @canary says I have heard that Donepezil can make the PWD more aggressive, 2 years ago my OH was on Donepezil and steroids and his behaviour was much as you describe. Memantine worked for a while, but earlier this year it stopped working and the aggression returned. Risperidone has calmed things down and they are more bearable. He is still difficult, the outbursts are less aggressive and less frequent, but I am struggling at the moment with the weight of the workload of being responsible for someone with dementia. The questions from the moment I wake, banging on the bathroom and bedroom door if he wants something 'NOW', every single thing that happens every single day is on me, the total lack of appreciation for anything I do and the lack of awareness that the illness impacts him at all. I know it's the disease but there are two people in this torture chamber.

 

[Skylark/2]

Hi@JaxG,
Your sentence that every single thing that happens every single day is on you struck a cord with me.
Tomorrow , Job no 1, I have to contact the Drain Dr to come and unblock the toilet that my husband blocked. I tried the home remedies that had been suggested here but with no success.
Job no 2, take the car to the garage for a service. Hope they don’t find anything expensive to repair.
Job no 3 Husband‘s tooth held in place by a post has literally just come out so now I’ve to contact the dentist and hopefully get an appointment .
No appreciation, it wasn’t his fault the toilet is blocked…….REALLY????
His just doesn’t realise his illness impacts me too, infact he has said this many times.
You have my sympathy and understanding

J

 

[nitram]

Tomorrow , Job no 1, I have to contact the Drain Dr to come and unblock the toilet that my husband blocked. I tried the home remedies that had been suggested here but with no success.

A good home remedy is to invest in a toilet auger

When choosing ensure end is protected from damaging bowl and has a screw action so blockage can be gripped and pulled out if necessary

eg

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Faithfull-Tools-FAIPDRWCAUG-Deluxe-Toilet/dp/B01AIPEDKY?th=1

 

[DawnR]

@Skylark/2 have you got an empty 2 litre plastic bottle cut the top end off so it’s straight and use that as a plunger. Plunge it a few times with the open end down and it should clear the blockage.
My OH blocks the toilet often and this has worked every time for me.

 

[nitram]

@Skylark/2 have you got an empty 2 litre plastic bottle cut the top end off so it’s straight and use that as a plunger. Plunge it a few times with the open end down and it should clear the blockage.
My OH blocks the toilet often and this has worked every time for me.

OK, as long as the blockage is not dry wipes or similar and downstream is in good condition with nothing for wipes to snag on.

 

[JaxG]

Hi@JaxG,
Your sentence that every single thing that happens every single day is on you struck a cord with me.
Tomorrow , Job no 1, I have to contact the Drain Dr to come and unblock the toilet that my husband blocked. I tried the home remedies that had been suggested here but with no success.
Job no 2, take the car to the garage for a service. Hope they don’t find anything expensive to repair.
Job no 3 Husband‘s tooth held in place by a post has literally just come out so now I’ve to contact the dentist and hopefully get an appointment .
No appreciation, it wasn’t his fault the toilet is blocked…….REALLY????
His just doesn’t realise his illness impacts me too, infact he has said this many times.
You have my sympathy and understanding

J

I know - it's so hard isn't it? Recently I've dealt with a burst pipe, had the floor dug up, needed a new boiler during a monsoon, found a handyman to fix the holes and box in the boiler, also during monsoon weather - mud and debris everywhere to clear up. Yesterday I Stripped other half's bed, cleaned his room, prepared meals for the coming week because I work two days from home and look after my granddaughter one day. Today I could not open the bonnet on my car so yet another expense - so stressful and so hard. And like you no appreciation, just assurances that he could sort it, what's the problem while he sits reading and sleeping all day every day. It's exhausting and crushing. Thinking of you ❤️

 

[Skylark/2]

wow@JaxG, I take my hat off to you, at 77 I don’t work or look after grandchildren, 16, 19 and a 3 year old who lives in the States. It’s exhausting day in day out.
A couple of weeks ago I too couldn’t open the bonnet of our car and had to play the silly old woman card down at our local garage! As you said, more expense.
I’ve been awake all night. Husband wanted sex ( sorry to be frank ) and I didn’t, and don’t now, all I wanted was to sleep. He became verbally abusive, throwing the old ‘ but you’re suppose to be my wife ‘ saying.
Eventually I managed to leave the bedroom ( he was shouting, telling me to get the f… out of his house, taking car and house keys, telling me I was embezzling his hard earned money) and tried to leave with my ready packed suitcase. Of course, that was taken from me ( I was stealing it!) but I got downstairs with my coat on. To be honest, at 11.30p.m I’d no idea where to go but slowly my resilience is wearing away, I ended up calming him down. My asthma is getting worse, I’m convinced the stress plays a part . He went back to sleep,I’m left awake all night, knowing another stressful day ahead. I am due my annual check up next week and so I’ve decided to tell them at the surgery I’m coming to the end of my tether. I’ve already written 2 or 3 letters to the dr. at the memory clinic and the are going to start my husband on Memantine, it can’t happen soon enough!
Maybe it would be better if I kept my ‘ f….. mouth shut’ (as he demands ) and just take the abuse, the accusations, the bullying that he hurls at me……but I can’t. Don’t think I don’t for one minute realise it’s his illness and he doesn’t always recognis me, but in my final years I don’t want this existence . Thinking of you and thanking this forum for letting me rant!

 

[Kath610]

wow@JaxG, I take my hat off to you, at 77 I don’t work or look after grandchildren, 16, 19 and a 3 year old who lives in the States. It’s exhausting day in day out.
A couple of weeks ago I too couldn’t open the bonnet of our car and had to play the silly old woman card down at our local garage! As you said, more expense.
I’ve been awake all night. Husband wanted sex ( sorry to be frank ) and I didn’t, and don’t now, all I wanted was to sleep. He became verbally abusive, throwing the old ‘ but you’re suppose to be my wife ‘ saying.
Eventually I managed to leave the bedroom ( he was shouting, telling me to get the f… out of his house, taking car and house keys, telling me I was embezzling his hard earned money) and tried to leave with my ready packed suitcase. Of course, that was taken from me ( I was stealing it!) but I got downstairs with my coat on. To be honest, at 11.30p.m I’d no idea where to go but slowly my resilience is wearing away, I ended up calming him down. My asthma is getting worse, I’m convinced the stress plays a part . He went back to sleep,I’m left awake all night, knowing another stressful day ahead. I am due my annual check up next week and so I’ve decided to tell them at the surgery I’m coming to the end of my tether. I’ve already written 2 or 3 letters to the dr. at the memory clinic and the are going to start my husband on Memantine, it can’t happen soon enough!
Maybe it would be better if I kept my ‘ f….. mouth shut’ (as he demands ) and just take the abuse, the accusations, the bullying that he hurls at me……but I can’t. Don’t think I don’t for one minute realise it’s his illness and he doesn’t always recognis me, but in my final years I don’t want this existence . Thinking of you and thanking this forum for letting me rant!

Time to ring the police? Or leave once he was asleep if you could have got the car keys and your bag? I do feel for you, my husband had a relapse into his old abusive ways yesterday and if a friend hadn't been literally about to arrive, I would have left.
Definitely let them know at your appointment next week. Let the memory clinic people know, keep on at them to hurry up. Call the Admiral nurses at the Alzheimer's Society and the Alzheimer's Society themselves. And let your sons know just how desperate you are.
Very best wishes for today and whatever it brings xx

 

[jugglingmum]

@Skylark/2 You need a set of house and car keys hidden where he can't find them.

One set to give him and a secret set. Mobile phone on you or hidden. Or both.

Suitcase hidden or at a friend's. Boot of the car?

You need to let everyone involved know this is happening. I worry for your safety.

 

[Violet Jane]

This is dreadful. You can't go on like this. I agree with @jugglingmum. You need a set of car and house keys which you can quickly take with you if you have to leave the house.

Why on earth is it taking so long for your husband to start taking the Memantine? There's no sense of urgency at the Memory Clinic.

I honestly think that you need to leave the house, giving the GP, the Memory Clinic and Social Services 48 hours' notice of your departure.

I also think that you should be completely frank with your sons. The situation is too serious to worry about protecting his image or (misplaced) feelings of disloyalty. Your husband is terrorising you.

 

[Skylark/2]

Thank you for hanging on in here and giving me advice, support and ideas @Violet Jane ,@jugglingmum ,@Kath610 .
Feeling rather fraught with all the jobs that was waiting for me this morning, but all are now sorted, in spite of husband thinking he was helping and being totally confused. I was waiting for the mechanic to collect the car at 9.am, then as soon as the dentist opened I would phone and try for an appointment for my husband. If we got an appointment for today, we would take a taxi. Husband couldn’t understand why I couldn’t book a taxi before I when I would get a dental appt. Explained until blue in face.
mechanic never showed at booked time, dentist number permanently engaged so made decision to phone garage and say I was driving to dentist, make an appt. and then drop car off at garage! By now car displaying message saying Drive Train malfunction, please get checked . What the hell is a drive train? Made appt at dentist for Wednesday , to sort out husband’s crown. Hopefully car will be returned later today. Then phoned plumber to come and unblock toilet ……but said please come tomorrow!
Payed house insurance, am now up to date, but deserve a G&T at the pub and maybe divert husband’s anxiety and confusion, which is off the scale at the moment!
The memory clinic are moving slowly towards Memantine. First 2 weeks of checking BP and now a blood test for kidney function!
I have a spare house key at my sister in law’s ( sadly she is not helpful ) and I think I’ll keep a suitcase at a friend’s. Spare car key is a problem, it is not a key but a fob so can’t get a spare one cut. I always have my phoned charged and on my person these days and I did say I was phoning the police when he was in full flow last night.
I have gone on far too long, almost a chapter length, sorry everyone!

 

[jennifer1967]

Thank you for hanging on in here and giving me advice, support and ideas @Violet Jane ,@jugglingmum ,@Kath610 .
Feeling rather fraught with all the jobs that was waiting for me this morning, but all are now sorted, in spite of husband thinking he was helping and being totally confused. I was waiting for the mechanic to collect the car at 9.am, then as soon as the dentist opened I would phone and try for an appointment for my husband. If we got an appointment for today, we would take a taxi. Husband couldn’t understand why I couldn’t book a taxi before I when I would get a dental appt. Explained until blue in face.
mechanic never showed at booked time, dentist number permanently engaged so made decision to phone garage and say I was driving to dentist, make an appt. and then drop car off at garage! By now car displaying message saying Drive Train malfunction, please get checked . What the hell is a drive train? Made appt at dentist for Wednesday , to sort out husband’s crown. Hopefully car will be returned later today. Then phoned plumber to come and unblock toilet ……but said please come tomorrow!
Payed house insurance, am now up to date, but deserve a G&T at the pub and maybe divert husband’s anxiety and confusion, which is off the scale at the moment!
The memory clinic are moving slowly towards Memantine. First 2 weeks of checking BP and now a blood test for kidney function!
I have a spare house key at my sister in law’s ( sadly she is not helpful ) and I think I’ll keep a suitcase at a friend’s. Spare car key is a problem, it is not a key but a fob so can’t get a spare one cut. I always have my phoned charged and on my person these days and I did say I was phoning the police when he was in full flow last night.
I have gone on far too long, almost a chapter length, sorry everyone!

dont apologise, i dont comment as much but ive read every post. my husband had the kidney function test for memantine but not the blood pressure checks but he is already on bp meds. he had his blood test at the doctors, the nurse did it. could you get the suitcase to a friend who is within walking distance in case you cant get hold of the fob. if he does it again, i would phone the police. they are trained for this and will report it to ss. could you hurry up the memory clinic or mental health. this is urgent now and they need to be told. i had to shout long and loud for the basic help i got.

 

[nitram]

By now car displaying message saying Drive Train malfunction, please get checked . What the hell is a drive train?

Engine plus transmission.

ECU (engine control unit) has detected a fault and displayed the warming message, it may also have put car into limp mode restricting performance to prevent damage.

The fault could be anything.
The garage will run a diagnostic check which will give a code indicating fault(s) eg misfire cylinder 1 - (faulty wiring, plug, or ignition coil)

Expect to pay one hour labour, £50-£60 (local garage) £100-£150 (main agent), for test drive and diagnosis plus parts and fitting.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I wonder if you could record some of his outbursts (and demands for sex) on your phone? Then when the doctors, social workers and whoever else try to tell you it's not that bad, you could play your recordings and ask if they would put up with this abuse.

I can't help thinking that you've become very used to his abuse and actually put up with far more than most would.

My heart goes out to you - it is completely unacceptable and no life for you.

 

[canary]

Could you ask the garage about how to get another car key/fob? There must be a way. They may be able to organise it for you.
Pack a suitcase and put in it cash, house keys and car fob. Keep it at a friends who you can walk to and wont mind too much being disturbed at night. Keep a mobile on you at all times