Loving my husband less

[Skylark/2]

Hello @Skylark/2 , keep hold of that A4 sheet and make sure someone from the memory clinic sees it. Or someone from the local Alzheimer's Society or Adult Social Care. Ring the Memory Clinic and speak to someone rather than emailing them. And Don't apologise to them - you are asking them to do their job and repeated calls will emphasise the scale of your problem.
My husband is a lot calmer now but I'm under no illusion that the problem is solved. He is still a pain in the b** (well in mine anyway!) and I still have my escape strategies in place. If he started on again about selling the house I would be tempted to say - and have said - right go on then, it's in joint names so I will get half. I will use my half to rent somewhere and your half will go on care home fees because you would have difficulty looking after yourself.
Quite apart from the fact that he wouldn't know where to start, this seems quite a happy outcome as far as I'm concerned. I have a meeting set up with a representative from our local branch of the Alzheimer's Society on Monday, set up by the doctor from the Memory Clinic, to do a carer's assessment . My husband really can't see why I need one and will be earwigging like mad so I will prepare a report in advance or send an email.
I have also set up - some time ago - a family WhatsApp group so I can keep my sons and daughters in law advised as to what's going on. That way they know exactly what things are like for both of us and my husband has no knowledge of what's being said. Would that be of any use to you?
So on to another day! Looking after the grandsons again so out with the trains and Megablocks for my husband to hog while the toddler plays with something else because he can't get a look in. Thinking of you and best wishes xx

Hello @Kath610 .
thank you for the reply and once again good advice! I will keep A4 sheet of paper and produce it if needs be. My husband use to accuse me of complying an accusatory lists against him, ( not true) and now I’m starting to save his written accusations. Not being tech savvy, I don’t use WhatsApp, another good piece of advice so I shall ask my great niece or neighbour for help. We talk to our son who lives in the States every Saturday via Skype but husband is sitting beside me on the settee , so conversation is sometimes stilted. Other son who lives a couple of hours drive away is visiting tomorrow. Dr from memory clinic who we saw a couple of days ago mentioned asking the Alzheimer’s society to contact me, I wonder if this will be the same as your assessment? Please let me know how it goes.
Collected the form yesterday that dr. has to fill in so I can claim council tax reduction. I’d waited days for him to do it BUT when I looked at it , the g.p hadn’t filled it in correctly…..it asks for dates when Alzheimer’s was first noted. GP had just written dementia in box! Had to return form today and who knows when it will be corrected! So annoying, so slap dash on g.p’s part!
We had an early night last night, slept well and so far today all is well. I’ve even had a small victory, negotiating a new contract with Sky, being polite but firm worked wonders…….pity can’t be said when talking to husband!
Enjoy your grandsons…….and look forward to glass of wine this evening.

 

[Skylark/2]

This sounds exactly what I could have written 18 months ago, if I’d tried to explain it to anyone outside this circle I feel sure that they wouldn’t have believed it. The same vile words the same feeling of dread and the knowledge that it would be the same day after day. I was so lucky, the memory clinic recognised the danger that I was in and admitted him to a secure dementia unit. He’s taking risperidone, donepezil and memantine now and I’ve got my husband back. It took three months in hospital on a section 2 and section 3, which at the time broke my heart, the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make was to leave him in the doctors hands. It was the best decision I could have made and now we’re living together peacefully. I hope that you’re as fortunate as I have been

Hello @Greenway ,
Thank you for taking the time to reply and understanding what challenges I am now facing.
It is good to hear that you have come though having to make enormously difficult decisions and are now back living together.
I sincerely hope I never have to make the decision to have my husband sectioned your words will give me strength to do what what will be necessary…….for both of us.

 

[Maureen Broughton]

Have had another tough weekend.
My husband is getting increasingly aggressive, I am waiting to see if the memory clinic will start him on Memantine. I am going to send the community nurse yet another email, stress how I am getting so anxious.
yesterday ( Saturday ) p.m his mood changed suddenly and it was because I drove ‘ his ‘ car and he couldn’t anymore and was stuck at home and I refused to take him anywhere ( 100% not true), we were out twice yesterday even though it was raining and Friday we were out for lunch. His accusations escalate, the abusive names starts, the threats, all what I have spoken about before. He’s going to sell the house, see me in the gutter
Today was a quiet day, he slept a while and complained of a headache in the afternoon. We had a day watching football on and off. More tele until 8 p.m, then he said he was off to bed ( increasingly early of late ) and I said I’d watch Antique Roadshow. He made a sarcastic. remark, went upstairs, immediately came back down, slamming doors. Internal alarm bells rang and I started to come to bed, trying to avert an arguement…….too late. It is now after 1a,m, I am resting fully clothed on the settee ( ready for escape? ) after being called the most Vile names, ordered to sit down, shut up, sleep in that room, sleep in this room, have had to sign a piece of paper saying I am staying temporarily ( I’m trying to diffuse the situation, doing anything he orders ) promise to obey the rules of the house , apologise and say how grateful I am. He’s taken my money, but I’ve hid my phone and bank cards. He says he won’t have me slagging him off day after day. Believe me it’s more than my life is worth to tell him it’sthe other way around! It’s unbareable, I.lay here dreading hearing movement from upstairs. I know it’s his dementia but this disease will drive us both to an early grave, Roll on morning and thanks for reading this .

Oh I so feel for you & understand completely what you are going through. I knew as time progressed it would get harder but never realised it would get this bad. Unless you have lived through this nobody could ever understand what it’s like. I thought I was going mad. My partner has been in hospital for 6 weeks now. We are now looking for a care home for him, Even in the hospital he is abusive to the staff says things to the staff which leaves me mortified. Because we don’t have money our council are funding him, but I’m sure it’s his behaviour that is stopping most of the homes refusing him & so it goes on…

 

[Zeta]

Hi @canary .
Thank you for your reply. Today’s scan is on his pancreas. He was recently diagnosed with diabetes and the nurse was concerned about his weight loss. A 2 week referral was sent ( this was last week ) and an appointment was offered for today. The referral was query pancreatic cancer…….another thing for me to worry about! I’m dead on my feet, think I’ll start on the Xmas Quality Street!

Oh I so feel for you & understand completely what you are going through. I knew as time progressed it would get harder but never realised it would get this bad. Unless you have lived through this nobody could ever understand what it’s like. I thought I was going mad. My partner has been in hospital for 6 weeks now. We are now looking for a care home for him, Even in the hospital he is abusive to the staff says things to the staff which leaves me mortified. Because we don’t have money our council are funding him, but I’m sure it’s his behaviour that is stopping most of the homes refusing him & so it goes on…

 

[Zeta]

Oh I so feel for you & understand completely what you are going through. I knew as time progressed it would get harder but never realised it would get this bad. Unless you have lived through this nobody could ever understand what it’s like. I thought I was going mad. My partner has been in hospital for 6 weeks now. We are now looking for a care home for him, Even in the hospital he is abusive to the staff says things to the staff which leaves me mortified. Because we don’t have money our council are funding him, but I’m sure it’s his behaviour that is stopping most of the homes refusing him & so it goes on…

I’ve

Well we are back from having the

well we had the scan today and it went o.k in spite of us being shattered through lack of sleep! I sent another email tothe memory clinic, apologising for contacting them so soon after yesterday’s meeting Explaining how difficult it had been overnight And asking for advice. Haven’t replied yet!We got back from the hospital and he seemed ‘ out of sorts!’ , had a nap and woke up in a foul mood! I went out then before he could explode but when I returned he’d written an A4 size paper detailing all my faults when taking him for appts, taking over, not telling him results etc., I was so angry with him, I was SO tired, he expected to be told the result ofthe scan immediately today and wouldn’t accept that the result would eventually go to the surgery, not to us. So ungrateful and so different from when he was being so reasonable when talkingto the dr. yesterday, I went walking the streets in the dark. Sorry for the rant, I‘m off for an early night.
He wants to see a dr. tomorrow about his temporal headache, guess who is expected to sort it out, am tempted to say ‘ you sort it, I wouldn’t dream of interfering! ‘

 

[Zeta]

I’ve just caught up with all your posts Skylark/2 and can’t believe how your coping with such a high stress level. I thought I was having a bad time with my husband‘s verbal abuse but it is not nearly as bad as this. I’m not in a position to offer advice but I hope you get all the help you desperately need. You may not think it, but you must be a very strong person to continue coping with this continual onslaught for so long. I don’t know what else to say except try to keep safe and be strong enough to leave if you have to.

 

[Skylark/2]

An early morning hello.
I feel another difficult weekend coming on!
yesterday evening I discovered my husband had blocked the en suite toilet! Great, just what I didn’t need but smiled and said I’d sort it on Monday. We have 2 other toilets
thank goodness.
It’s now my second attempt to finish this. We have been awake and up since 1.30a.m, husband went to use the blocked toilet and I asked him to use the one in the bathroom. This totally confused him and he became very annoyed and demanded I phone someone to come and sort it ( 2 a.m!) why couldn’t I do something, I was useless and so it went on. Eventually I persuaded him back to bed, he lay there fully clothed until we both gave up and got up at 5.30 a.m. I’m trying wait until Monday to phone a drain company as coming out on the weekend will cost an arm and a leg!
Son is visiting this morning, not sure of the reception he’ll receive as husband totally confused, boarding on usual aggression.

 

[Kath610]

An early morning hello.
I feel another difficult weekend coming on!
yesterday evening I discovered my husband had blocked the en suite toilet! Great, just what I didn’t need but smiled and said I’d sort it on Monday. We have 2 other toilets
thank goodness.
It’s now my second attempt to finish this. We have been awake and up since 1.30a.m, husband went to use the blocked toilet and I asked him to use the one in the bathroom. This totally confused him and he became very annoyed and demanded I phone someone to come and sort it ( 2 a.m!) why couldn’t I do something, I was useless and so it went on. Eventually I persuaded him back to bed, he lay there fully clothed until we both gave up and got up at 5.30 a.m. I’m trying wait until Monday to phone a drain company as coming out on the weekend will cost an arm and a leg!
Son is visiting this morning, not sure of the reception he’ll receive as husband totally confused, boarding on usual aggression.

Morning @Skylark/2 ! Do you know what the toilet is blocked with? (No need for details!!) If it's poo, try pouring in a bucketful of hot water and washing up liquid, pour it all in from a height and leaving it for an hour or so, then try flushing. It it's paper, have you a plunger?
Ironically we have the opposite problem - my husband puts the used paper in the bathroom bin or, as yesterday, brings the paper and its contents downstairs with him
wondering where they go! When I tell him it's Toilet Paper, the clue's in the name, put it in the toilet, he thinks I'm the one who's mad.
My challenge for today is to get him to change his clothes as we are out this evening and he has been wearing the same trousers and 4 tops all week. I have noticed - in more ways than one - that in spite of all the showers, he is not using the deodorant.
What a life! Best wishes, as always.

 

[canary]

Oh I sympathise with toilet problems
Our cloakroom toilet went wrong and wouldnt stop flushing - water constantly pouring into the loo (at least it wasnt blocked or leaking), so I called the plumber who said the cistern needed replacing, stopped the water cascading in, but said that if anyone flushed it before then it would set it off again. I said that OH wouldnt remember and he suggested putting a note on the door. When I finished laughing he disconnected the button so it just wouldnt flush and I kept a bucket of water in there for the "why wont it flush?" times......

 

[canary]

Hi @Kath610

I have noticed - in more ways than one - that in spite of all the showers, he is not using the deodorant.

Is he perhaps not actually showering properly or perhaps not using shower gel when he showers?
I discovered one day when I went to the laundry box while my OH was taking a shower, that his idea of a shower was to run a handful of shower gel down his stomach and then rinse it off......

 

[Grannie G]

There are a few tips on Youtube for unblocking toilets including trying to break up the contents using a metal coat hanger then pouring in vinegar and leaving it for an hour or two.

It might be worth a try @Skylark/2 while you have no access to help over the weekend.

 

[Skylark/2]

Many thanks everyone, plunger and coat hanger don’t work, ‘ funny shaped ‘ toilet but will watch the You Tube tutorials, never thought to do that!

 

[Sadlady]

How strange-we had a blocked toilet as well this week!! Like you Skylark we have 2 others. Yet another thing to we have to do.

 

[Violet Jane]

@Skylark/2, don't try to manage your husband's behaviour when your son visits. Let your son see what your husband is really like. And tell him that you have been up all night.

I really think that if the Memantine doesn't work you should push for a care home. Nobody should have to live like this. Your husband's behaviour is that of an abusive bully and you're being deprived of enough sleep to keep you healthy.

It's totally unacceptable that you are being expected to put up with this.

 

[jennifer1967]

Many thanks everyone, plunger and coat hanger don’t work, ‘ funny shaped ‘ toilet but will watch the You Tube tutorials, never thought to do that!

i tend to put some bleach down and it seems to break it up.

 

[jennifer1967]

Morning @Skylark/2 ! Do you know what the toilet is blocked with? (No need for details!!) If it's poo, try pouring in a bucketful of hot water and washing up liquid, pour it all in from a height and leaving it for an hour or so, then try flushing. It it's paper, have you a plunger?
Ironically we have the opposite problem - my husband puts the used paper in the bathroom bin or, as yesterday, brings the paper and its contents downstairs with him
wondering where they go! When I tell him it's Toilet Paper, the clue's in the name, put it in the toilet, he thinks I'm the one who's mad.
My challenge for today is to get him to change his clothes as we are out this evening and he has been wearing the same trousers and 4 tops all week. I have noticed - in more ways than one - that in spite of all the showers, he is not using the deodorant.
What a life! Best wishes, as always.

i say to my husband " have you sprayed?" like you would say have you been? its starting to be a bit of a catch phrase now and makes him smile.

 

[Skylark/2]

@Skylark/2, don't try to manage your husband's behaviour when your son visits. Let your son see what your husband is really like. And tell him that you have been up all night.

I really think that if the Memantine doesn't work you should push for a care home. Nobody should have to live like this. Your husband's behaviour is that of an abusive bully and you're being deprived of enough sleep to keep you healthy.

It's totally unacceptable that you are being expected to put up with this.

Hello @Violet Jane ,
our son has just left and I would like to say it was a successful visit…….it wasn’t.
Our son is 51 , and over a cup of coffee he spoke quietly and gently about his concerns for both of us, particularly our social isolation. My husband took it completely the wrong way, he wasn’t having his son telling him what to do etc. Our son ended up almost in tears (51 years old with a responsible job) saying he ( and his brother who lives in the States) was just trying to help. Husband’s reply was he wasn’t helping, he was making him annoyed and was belittling him. Totally,totally wrong, but husband won’t accept that. I ended up suggestion a coffee in a cafe , on the grounds that my husband wouldn’t kick off in public. My husband was also referring to something he thought ( wrongly ) that was said over a year ago. Every so often he brings it up and I have given up trying to tell him he’s wrong!
This disease is tearing the family apart, when a father thinks that because a son is tearful , it’s a sign of weakness.

 

[leny connery]

Hello @Mike Doncaster .
I am full of admiration for your fortitude and acceptance in the face of how this horrendous disease changed your wife. I certainly couldn’t manage and confess I spend the lonely waking hours ( mostly every night ) planning how to make the most of what years I have left. Dementia robs not just the affected but the carer too…..something my husband doesn’t accept. ‘ What have you got to worry about ‘ is his reply whenever I try and explain.
I wish you all the very best on your daily recovery, be kind to yourself. I hope you have friends and family near by who you can lean on and confide in. Remember Time is a Great Healer.

yes, the empathy, understanding what the other is going through is much diminished. I am sad that my pain, mental or physical does not register to my previously very caring husband

 

[Grannie G]

Our son never spoke about his concerns when his dad was present @Skylark/2 He and I communicated by text most of the time.

However many times my husband didn’t know me and wanted to contact his ‘real’ wife, he always knew our son Paul. If he had the faintest feeling his dementia caused Paul and I to make plans for him he would have hit the roof. He knew he was ill. He knew he had Alzheimer’s but to him Alzheimer’s was memory loss Dementia was never mentioned.

Paul and I trod on eggshells. It didn’t take long to realise my husband’s paranoia meant we could never have a rational conversation about our lonely and troubled lifestyle. The couple of outbursts we experienced were hard lessons we soon learned.

 

[jennifer1967]

i must admit that my kids 29 to 37 tend to talk to their dad as their dad but if they are worried, they will text me afterwards or if they want to ask him something, they will text me first usually for me to ask or tell them how to ask.