Finding it really hardddd!!!

[Rebby26]

As I’ve said before in here dad is in a care home with possible vascular dementia.

I visit often due to the emotional blackmail my dad uses on me. At times he looks at me more than a daughter, his relationship towards me has always be a little obsessive, told me the other day “I thought we were an item” when I’m about to leave to go home he “acts up” getting anxious and starts asking questions about appointments he’s got coming up to keep me around longer. Yet throughout the day he’s fine. He expects me to keep visiting him even though it’s getting too expensive, because if I don’t turn up he gets anxious and I get a call from the care home saying he wants to speak to me even though I probably seen him the day before. I’ve spoken to him numerous times (while he can understand) about I need time to myself for the sake of my mental health and to be rested to be able to do my job properly. I do the most for him out of any of his other kids and family members and yet I’m the one that’s spoken to like s***. I went to the shops while visiting him today and while I was away he had his blood pressure taken I got back and he said “where have u been they just taken my blood pressure it was high”. And starts getting aggressive.
Am I not allowed five minutes to myself, when many hours of the other days I’m constantly sorting out stuff for him? And always neglecting myself?

I am finding myself slowly losing my “rag” with him at times and answering back when he talks to me in a way I don’t like.

I feel mentally drained, exhausted worrying about stuff all the time and resent him for always wanting me to be around. Im exhausted with this whole situation and if I’m honest fed up with life.

 

[Kevinl]

You are being read, don't really know what to say other than there's always someone here to listen/read or whatever. K

 

[Knitandpurl]

I see no reason why you shouldn’t lose your ‘rag’ and answer back, but even better, I have found with my OH is just to walk off, and ignore the shouts to come back he’s talking to me, or snide little comments to himself. Don’t go every day, decide how much time you are prepared to give and do not give any more. Giving more will only make him more demanding not less. Tell the Care Home you are unable to speak to him as you are busy/working/ with someone/at an appointment whatever. For your own health you need to draw boundaries and stick to them.

 

[Rebby26]

I see no reason why you shouldn’t lose your ‘rag’ and answer back, but even better, I have found with my OH is just to walk off, and ignore the shouts to come back he’s talking to me, or snide little comments to himself. Don’t go every day, decide how much time you are prepared to give and do not give any more. Giving more will only make him more demanding not less. Tell the Care Home you are unable to speak to him as you are busy/working/ with someone/at an appointment whatever. For your own health you need to draw boundaries and stick to them.

Thank you x

 

[Rebby26]

You are being read, don't really know what to say other than there's always someone here to listen/read or whatever. K

Thank you x

 

[FrustratedFrog]

As I’ve said before in here dad is in a care home with possible vascular dementia.

I visit often due to the emotional blackmail my dad uses on me. At times he looks at me more than a daughter, his relationship towards me has always be a little obsessive, told me the other day “I thought we were an item” when I’m about to leave to go home he “acts up” getting anxious and starts asking questions about appointments he’s got coming up to keep me around longer. Yet throughout the day he’s fine. He expects me to keep visiting him even though it’s getting too expensive, because if I don’t turn up he gets anxious and I get a call from the care home saying he wants to speak to me even though I probably seen him the day before. I’ve spoken to him numerous times (while he can understand) about I need time to myself for the sake of my mental health and to be rested to be able to do my job properly. I do the most for him out of any of his other kids and family members and yet I’m the one that’s spoken to like s***. I went to the shops while visiting him today and while I was away he had his blood pressure taken I got back and he said “where have u been they just taken my blood pressure it was high”. And starts getting aggressive.
Am I not allowed five minutes to myself, when many hours of the other days I’m constantly sorting out stuff for him? And always neglecting myself?

I am finding myself slowly losing my “rag” with him at times and answering back when he talks to me in a way I don’t like.

I feel mentally drained, exhausted worrying about stuff all the time and resent him for always wanting me to be around. Im exhausted with this whole situation and if I’m honest fed up with life.

Unfortunately he is using you here and using his health as an excuse it sounds to me like he very much knows what he is doing but even if he doesn’t and does not have capacity this isn’t fair on you.

I would maybe set certain days to visit and also when he asks the care home to call you I’d inform them not to have him call you unless it’s an emergency like he’s had a fall or it’s the day of your visit if he wants to check you’re still coming. Set clear boundaries. It will be hard at first and he may be nasty but he will eventually realise you’re not playing his game.

Be clear with him why you’re doing what you’re doing. Don’t argue if you can and no matter what he says it’s fine you’ve notified him. If you have to go away for a week on holiday and can’t make it that week and let the care home know why and if he’s asking them to call you ask the care home to reinforce why you can’t speak that week. The care home need to support you also in setting these boundaries. If he wants a general chat and you’ve already seen him that day maybe speak with the care home about redirecting his attention to another family member or sibling to see if over time he realises you’re not always the person to reach out to or be so aggressive towards. You might even have to go as far as blocking his mobile number after you’ve visited if he has one because if it’s urgent the care home would call you directly anyway.

Maybe also if you can reach out to your other siblings and his family about this and see if they can share this responsibility. If you feel they would not believe you as awful as it may be I’d record a few visits of how is with you when it naturally occurs and don’t send it them but show them off your phone. That way you have the control to keep and delete the videos but only if you’re desperate at that point.