Loving my husband less

[Skylark/2]

Hello everyone, Wishing everyone continuing strength and resilience in 2024.
I haven’t posted recently so I thought I’d give an update. After months of verbal abuse my O.H seemed to deteriorate in the last few weeks. Every morning, after almost no sleep, I would wonder what the day would bring. By the afternoon, he would get increasingly agitated and aggressive and this progressed to physical aggression, pushing and slapping around my head. Extremely upsetting and frightening, unable to phone for help as he took my bag and threw it into the garden, blocking my exit to the front door.
I phoned the memory clinic to report this ( he was starting Memantine ) and a CPN came and visited and carried out a review. She suggested in addition an antipsychotic drug, a low dose, and also to hide my kitchen knives!After another ‘ episode’ I again contacted the clinic and they suggested an appointment later the same day. After chatting to the psychiatrist she suggested increasing the antipsychotic drug strength plus diazepam to help with the sleepless nights. The dr. also said that because of the physical abuse she would need to report it to the police as a safeguarding issue. I thought I would just be a name on their computer. Imagine my shock when 2 policeman turned upon our doorstep that same night! They were very nice, one chatted to my husband, the other one to me in the kitchen. I am now on their computer , red flagged as a vulnerable person. Husband was none too pleased to have police in the house asking questions, but I blamed the hospital dr., nothing to do with me!
Since New Year ( I know it’s early days ) my husband seems much calmer and I don’t feel as stressed. The memory clinic dr’s and CPN‘s have been so supportive and understanding, phoning most days just to check how things are.

 

[Bren43]

It’s a while since I was here,but the above is similar to what I am experiencing. My OH is also physically disabled so in some ways I have control there,but the aggression and nastiness is now constant.it used to be occasionally. No matter what I say or do ,I am in the wrong. I am fairly resilient,so at the moment I walk away ,go out,do something in the kitchen, but today have told him that if he wants anything or something to eat,he will ask me but I am not offering any conversation for my own sanity. Have a wonderful carer twice daily who does morning and evening and she is now being insulted with what he thinks is banter,fortunately she gives as good as she gets so I am not completely alone.however I don’t know him or really care! Is that an awful thing to say?

 

[Skylark/2]

In a nutshell @Bren43 absolutely not an awful thing to say.
I don’t have carers or help from anyone, SS are not supportive.
My husband thinks there are people who come and go at all hours, he doesn’t see or hear them, just knows they are there! He doesn’t recognise me most of the time and thinks the NHS and SS pay me to look after him. He talks nonsense most ofthe day but I’ve learned to just agree with whatever he says, I use to correct him to my detriment! Today he was telling me he paid for about 70 people to fly to Tunisia ( our honeymoon 53 years ago ) and he had a great time! I just replied, ‘ Goodness, that must have been expensive!’ Stay resilient, tough I know

 

[Rosebuddy]

Have had another tough weekend.
My husband is getting increasingly aggressive, I am waiting to see if the memory clinic will start him on Memantine. I am going to send the community nurse yet another email, stress how I am getting so anxious.
yesterday ( Saturday ) p.m his mood changed suddenly and it was because I drove ‘ his ‘ car and he couldn’t anymore and was stuck at home and I refused to take him anywhere ( 100% not true), we were out twice yesterday even though it was raining and Friday we were out for lunch. His accusations escalate, the abusive names starts, the threats, all what I have spoken about before. He’s going to sell the house, see me in the gutter
Today was a quiet day, he slept a while and complained of a headache in the afternoon. We had a day watching football on and off. More tele until 8 p.m, then he said he was off to bed ( increasingly early of late ) and I said I’d watch Antique Roadshow. He made a sarcastic. remark, went upstairs, immediately came back down, slamming doors. Internal alarm bells rang and I started to come to bed, trying to avert an arguement…….too late. It is now after 1a,m, I am resting fully clothed on the settee ( ready for escape? ) after being called the most Vile names, ordered to sit down, shut up, sleep in that room, sleep in this room, have had to sign a piece of paper saying I am staying temporarily ( I’m trying to diffuse the situation, doing anything he orders ) promise to obey the rules of the house , apologise and say how grateful I am. He’s taken my money, but I’ve hid my phone and bank cards. He says he won’t have me slagging him off day after day. Believe me it’s more than my life is worth to tell him it’sthe other way around! It’s unbareable, I.lay here dreading hearing movement from upstairs. I know it’s his dementia but this disease will drive us both to an early grave, Roll on morning and thanks for reading this .

I am just so sorry to read this. My dad is quite abusive to me, but luckily he behaved that way in front of social workers and OTs and they noted it on his/our records. He doens't live with me anyway so I'm lucky that I can get away and have a break from it. It is very inconsistent as sometimes he can be quite happy, friendly, pleased to see me, but then suddenly he turns, its abusive, going to split me and my husband up, cut me out of the will, I'm ganging up on him, I'm 'effing this and that' etc. He always was a bit controlling and liked things his own way and to have power over me (and mum RIP )but now it is 100 times worse. It honestly helped me a little to have a third party recognise and acknowledge he was abusive. Is there anyone else you can turn to to talk about how he is behaving? You are putting up with a lot and I hope things improve, or that you can get some breaks from the situation.

 

[Veritas]

Hello everyone, Wishing everyone continuing strength and resilience in 2024.
I haven’t posted recently so I thought I’d give an update. After months of verbal abuse my O.H seemed to deteriorate in the last few weeks. Every morning, after almost no sleep, I would wonder what the day would bring. By the afternoon, he would get increasingly agitated and aggressive and this progressed to physical aggression, pushing and slapping around my head. Extremely upsetting and frightening, unable to phone for help as he took my bag and threw it into the garden, blocking my exit to the front door.
I phoned the memory clinic to report this ( he was starting Memantine ) and a CPN came and visited and carried out a review. She suggested in addition an antipsychotic drug, a low dose, and also to hide my kitchen knives!After another ‘ episode’ I again contacted the clinic and they suggested an appointment later the same day. After chatting to the psychiatrist she suggested increasing the antipsychotic drug strength plus diazepam to help with the sleepless nights. The dr. also said that because of the physical abuse she would need to report it to the police as a safeguarding issue. I thought I would just be a name on their computer. Imagine my shock when 2 policeman turned upon our doorstep that same night! They were very nice, one chatted to my husband, the other one to me in the kitchen. I am now on their computer , red flagged as a vulnerable person. Husband was none too pleased to have police in the house asking questions, but I blamed the hospital dr., nothing to do with me!
Since New Year ( I know it’s early days ) my husband seems much calmer and I don’t feel as stressed. The memory clinic dr’s and CPN‘s have been so supportive and understanding, phoning most days just to check how things are.

I am so glad to see you posting again - I have been wondering how you were getting on. The situation does sound slightly improved though still very stressful, and it is reassuring to know that your safety is being taken seriously. Don't hesitate to tell it like it is - it is surprising that your OH has not ended up in hospital.

One practical point that occurs to me, given how your husband threw your bag out into the garden, is whether you acquire some sort of discreet pouch you could wear round your middle (NOT your neck) to keep your phone and keys in when you aren't using them.

 

[Bren43]

In a nutshell @Bren43 absolutely not an awful thing to say.
I don’t have carers or help from anyone, SS are not supportive.
My husband thinks there are people who come and go at all hours, he doesn’t see or hear them, just knows they are there! He doesn’t recognise me most of the time and thinks the NHS and SS pay me to look after him. He talks nonsense most ofthe day but I’ve learned to just agree with whatever he says, I use to correct him to my detriment! Today he was telling me he paid for about 70 people to fly to Tunisia ( our honeymoon 53 years ago ) and he had a great time! I just replied, ‘ Goodness, that must have been expensive!’ Stay resilient, tough I know

Skylar thank you for saying that,I will try to just let it go over my head,but the aggression and awful things he says make me retaliate. I aim to have as little communication as possible otherwise I feel I need to bring in the mental health team,but he is always so nice when district nurse or gp call. Thank goodness for this forum.

 

[iijspetal]

Good afternoon, @Kath610 and everyone who has posted advice and support during the last few days.
I have heard from the memory clinic this afternoon. We have a home visit from a doctor next week. The nurse said the dr. would assess my husband taking into account the letters I had written expressing my worries etc., before recommending a change in medication.
I immediately emailed her asking she makes sure the dr. does’t say I have written to them as my husband thinks he’s o.k and I compile a ‘ charge sheet’. He can give Oscar winning performances that he is fine when face to face with health officials, and I made them aware of that too!
Much of what you said resonated with me!
Wish me luck for next week’s meeting!

Hi i am new to this site your comments about your OH putting on an Oscar performance is exactly how my OH is & does when assessed by SW & psychologist's which affects me immensely & is wearing me down having to edit their assessments, how to cope?

 

[jennifer1967]

Hi i am new to this site your comments about your OH putting on an Oscar performance is exactly how my OH is & does when assessed by SW & psychologist's which affects me immensely & is wearing me down having to edit their assessments, how to cope?

i explain to the sw etc what host mode is. they dont usually know so they realise that things are not so good as they have seen. write things down as well so you have a list of behaviours you see to give them next time.

 

[iijspetal]

"Host mode" i will write it all down thank you

 

[JaxG]

I am reading through all your posts and am saddened at how many of us are dealing with serious aggression and violence, and shocked that we are expected to live like this. Yes the police might get involved, yes SS might step in, medication might be offered, and then they walk away and we just carry on until we are broken. After years of abuse and aggression I no longer care about my husband and I just want this over. It has made me question the nature of the man I married and my entire marriage over 40 years. Again he can make a cup of tea and put a ready meal in the microwave, is not incontinent, but that is all. I am physically and mentally exhausted by the shear quantity of jobs to do, the questions from first thing in the morning to last thing at night, there is no escape.

 

[Scarlet Lady]

I am appalled at what I’ve been reading on this thread over a long period of time. I know it’s rather pointless to make comparisons, but the differences between the U.K. and other countries is stark. My brother in law in Australia was diagnosed with dementia about three years ago. It was fast accelerating but he got excellent care from the start. His GP was the lead in every step of the way. When he became aggressive and potentially dangerous (loved his cookery kitchen knives) my sis in law phoned for an ambulance and got him hospitalised. She made it plain she would not have him home and that was accepted immediately by all the healthcare professionals. He went into residential accommodation and was there for less than a year before he sadly died in September 2023.
My sister in law has nothing but praise for the healthcare professionals who were there throughout, especially his GP who was a constant throughout, despite the fact that the home was a very long way from the GP practice. It just seems so sad that carers in the U.K. are not given any consideration at all. What sort of society have we become when violent behaviour is acceptable simply because someone is ill?

 

[JaxG]

Hi @Scarlet Lady, what you describe in the care for those suffering with dementia in Australia is what I thought might happen in the UK. How naïve I was. This country really is broken.

 

[Greenway]

Hi @Greenway - my mum and I are in the same position with my dad. He's relatively early dementia and has no issues looking after himself etc.

Just before xmas they moved over to a retirement apartment to be near my brother and I. Since then he's been really bad - i think he's messing with his meds as he has a slight rash on his chin and has said it's the drugs (it could well be). He's on citalopram, mirtazapine & galantamine. He thinks nothing of shouting and swearing very loudly in public or in the corridor of their new apartment. My mum is too embarassed to introduce herself to any of her new neighbours because of his behaviour - they must think a mad man has moved in. He on the other hand is being all charming and introducing himself to everyone he meets.

I'm making notes of all of his verbal and physical abuse. Like some other dementia patients he's very charming and sociable to those outside of his immediate family, so i'm wondering how you managed to convince the memory clinic that you were in danger. My dad smacked my mum around the head on xmas day in
front of his grandchildren, then immediately said it was a joke and was adamant he didn't make contact (my brother threw him out of his house). He was very angry when i confronted him about it, totally denied striking her. It's the 2nd assault in a couple of weeks along with constant disgusting language and abuse. He's constantly goading her and looking for a reason to vent his anger.

I've threatened him with the police and social services - told him that mum is at risk and he'll be removed if he continues, but i'm concerned that they'll do nothing and he'll then torture my mum for calling them. She doesn't want to leave her very new home and I hope she doesn't have to. He's early stages so i'm not sure whether this is the dementia or just my dad being as angry and nasty as he always has been in the past. To everyone else he seems very normal with no signs of dementia at all. What's the best way to get help, back to the memory clinic? Unfortunately there's no guarantee he'll take any new meds.

I was very reluctant to tell anyone the extent of what was happening at home, there were incidents that happened in front of other people but I just tried to laugh it of or cover it up. My husband often shouted at me in public but I would just smile my way through it , pretending that it didn’t bother me and hoping that people would realise that there was something wrong with him. I started to tell my neighbours that he had dementia so that they didn’t think badly of him, there’s so much loyalty involved as well. I often had to escape the house to avoid a beating and he started to call me “the runner “ apart from other things!
I think that when I contacted the memory clinic they could tell that I was really desperate and sent in a crisis team including a psychiatrist. Even then I was still holding a lot of loyalty but decided that unless I told them frankly what he was saying and doing that he wouldn’t get the help that he needed. My only reservations were that what I said would be reported back to him and it was. He was starting on medication at home which didn’t really make any difference and it was only after I’d had to leave the house and called the memory clinic that they said he would be sectioned. It’s a horrible business and I spent so much time regretting what I’d done to him, having him admitted but it’s the best decision that I ever made. Your local authority should have a crisis team, do you have people who you can contact?

 

[Herebedragons]

I've just spent the last hour reading this thread from the start. You have made me weep at what you are putting up with, often with no support, and make me feel like I just need to put my big girls pants on when dealing with my placid but occasionally stroppy mum. (I'm not a very adulty adult) What I really want to say is that I think you are all absolutely bloody amazing, magnificent people and although I'm sure you don't feel it, you are. I'd also like to add that if anyone needs a middle of the night escape in Herts I'm here.
Seriously, you're incredible xx

 

[DeeCee7]

@Herebedragons that’s a lovely post and offer of a safe place. I too have been humbled at how brave and stoical other posters are in the face of very bleak times.

 

[Saddy]

Have had another tough weekend.
My husband is getting increasingly aggressive, I am waiting to see if the memory clinic will start him on Memantine. I am going to send the community nurse yet another email, stress how I am getting so anxious.
yesterday ( Saturday ) p.m his mood changed suddenly and it was because I drove ‘ his ‘ car and he couldn’t anymore and was stuck at home and I refused to take him anywhere ( 100% not true), we were out twice yesterday even though it was raining and Friday we were out for lunch. His accusations escalate, the abusive names starts, the threats, all what I have spoken about before. He’s going to sell the house, see me in the gutter
Today was a quiet day, he slept a while and complained of a headache in the afternoon. We had a day watching football on and off. More tele until 8 p.m, then he said he was off to bed ( increasingly early of late ) and I said I’d watch Antique Roadshow. He made a sarcastic. remark, went upstairs, immediately came back down, slamming doors. Internal alarm bells rang and I started to come to bed, trying to avert an arguement…….too late. It is now after 1a,m, I am resting fully clothed on the settee ( ready for escape? ) after being called the most Vile names, ordered to sit down, shut up, sleep in that room, sleep in this room, have had to sign a piece of paper saying I am staying temporarily ( I’m trying to diffuse the situation, doing anything he orders ) promise to obey the rules of the house , apologise and say how grateful I am. He’s taken my money, but I’ve hid my phone and bank cards. He says he won’t have me slagging him off day after day. Believe me it’s more than my life is worth to tell him it’sthe other way around! It’s unbareable, I.lay here dreading hearing movement from upstairs. I know it’s his dementia but this disease will drive us both to an early grave, Roll on morning and thanks for reading this .

Melamine never worked on my Husband or anything else. He has been in care now for almost a year. He was getting very aggressive. He didn’t really watch TV and would be up and down wandering every 5 mins. He wasn’t safe to leave unsupervised. He stole things and hid them so I had to hide things too from him including money and alcohol. I did have a care package but he wouldn’t let anyone in. The Social workers arranged for me to have a panic button. He was also very charming when they visited.
He went to a day centre twice a week but it was such a hassle helping him to get ready and not much time to do anything before it was time to pick him up.
Finally he went into respite and I refused to collect him. I told Social worker I would leave if he came home. Sounds harsh but had been a worsening situation for 5 long years.

 

[Firecatcher]

Melamine never worked on my Husband or anything else. He has been in care now for almost a year. He was getting very aggressive. He didn’t really watch TV and would be up and down wandering every 5 mins. He wasn’t safe to leave unsupervised. He stole things and hid them so I had to hide things too from him including money and alcohol. I did have a care package but he wouldn’t let anyone in. The Social workers arranged for me to have a panic button. He was also very charming when they visited.
He went to a day centre twice a week but it was such a hassle helping him to get ready and not much time to do anything before it was time to pick him up.
Finally he went into respite and I refused to collect him. I told Social worker I would leave if he came home. Sounds harsh but had been a worsening situation for 5 long years.

Memantine didn’t work for my Mum either and she was finally placed in a care home after being admitted to hospital under a section two. I’m appalled at the level of aggression and verbal abuse carers of PWD are expected to tolerate. With any other mental health diagnosis this wouldn’t be expected and the person would be whisked off to hospital. I suspect ageism plays a part here as older people are commonly perceived as being frail and feeble.
Well done for being tough with your husbands social worker. It probably wasn’t how you wanted to be but often people are left with no other option.

 

[DeeCee7]

Melamine never worked on my Husband or anything else. He has been in care now for almost a year. He was getting very aggressive. He didn’t really watch TV and would be up and down wandering every 5 mins. He wasn’t safe to leave unsupervised. He stole things and hid them so I had to hide things too from him including money and alcohol. I did have a care package but he wouldn’t let anyone in. The Social workers arranged for me to have a panic button. He was also very charming when they visited.
He went to a day centre twice a week but it was such a hassle helping him to get ready and not much time to do anything before it was time to pick him up.
Finally he went into respite and I refused to collect him. I told Social worker I would leave if he came home. Sounds harsh but had been a worsening situation for 5 long years.

It’s awful the lengths carers have to go to, to get the result that’s so sorely needed. It’s shameful and I have read so many similar tales. Let’s hope it galvanises others to be bold too!

 

[maisiecat]

Hi @Skylark/2 ,I was so sorry to read your post but absolutely understand it as my husband was like this before he went into hospital. He is now in a dementia nursing home and is very settled and we have some pleasant times together.
I am sure you realise you are at crisis point and probably no drug is going to be enough to settle the situation. Try to start thinking about a residential option for at least respite.
I found ironically they don't seem so bothered about the threats but they do respond to the up all night situation and that makes them think residential as night time carers cost a fortune.
I hope you get some help quickly,it is so dangerous what they leave us dealing with and we also were unknown to SS as we had always paid for stuff which seem to be a problem.
He will be unable to hide the depth of his disease in a respite placement and then you will have people on your side.