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'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,137
My mother's clothes never go missing - I realise this is very unusual! The residents' rooms are locked unless they are in there, and I assume at night there are enough staff to redirect the residents if they attempt to wander into someonelse's room. I check her wardrobe/drawers each time I go in and the only things I have needed to replace are things which have deteriorated due to the laundry process (undies and PJs with elastic waists, and a big warm cardigan). Even her socks seem to turn up reliably.

I haven't recently checked if her handbag is still there but I took out everything of any value, just left her purse with coins. She never asked her her handbag, the only thing she carries round is a cuddly toy. She did lose her specs within days, but since she refused to wear them that didn't really matter! She seems to be able to see fine without them.

Re feeling that you are sneaking out, it's the best thing for her, not just for you - if she doesn't notice it means she doesn't get angry and distressed.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,006
Mum has now been in the home for nearly eight months, and is very gradually appearing more settled, though I guess she'll always want to get out if she can. Her latest is saying goodbye to residents and staff when I take her from one part of the home to the other as though she is now on her way home.
The family took mum out for tea in a country house hotel five minutes from the home the Saturday after Christmas. It was ideal for mum, the place looked 'posh', the staff were attentive and the afternoon tea was delicious. Mum much prefers sweet things so afternoon tea for lunch was a much better bet than a proper meal. Mum was on good form, and correctly identified us all, even if she did ask my son how his mum was. She seemed a bit puzzled my brother wasn't there, but didn't actually say anything about him, and we didn't venture any information. Hopefully, after the Christmas Day scare, when he ended up in intensive care, he is now properly on the mend and we'll be able to do the same thing with him sometime this year. It was lovely that my sister-in-law and nephew could make it though. Mum had a black eye from where she'd fallen the previous Saturday. I had an apologetic phone call on Boxing Day as they obviously should have informed me straight away, but it had got missed in a shift change and the holidays. When I took mum back I explained she'd had a couple of glasses of wine. I think the fall the previous Saturday had been due to her drinking at her floor's Christmas party. She is getting more unsteady on her feet and alcohol really seems to make a difference now. The carers seemed to think I was worried that I thought I wasn't taking care of her, it was just a flags up so they could keep an eye on her.
When I visited yesterday the carers were pleased that they'd managed to get her in the shower. I'd spoken to one of the team leaders when I'd been there for the party and I think they are trying to be more determined about personal care. Mum was always proud of her appearance, once telling me not to look at her when I bumped into her by chance in Marks as she hadn't got her make-up on! The last few months that's gone, though she'll say things like I'll have a shower when I go home tonight. Let's hope she gets used to the idea of having help.
I've emailed the manager so I can go in and have a chat about things are going, which I think will be useful going forward this year. I also am intending to only visit once a week and pick my time carefully. Mind you she could do with a new pair of shoes, but can I brave taking her to our local shopping centre to buy some?
 
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TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,214
cornwall
Mum has now been in the home for nearly eight months, and is very gradually appearing more settled, though I guess she'll always want to get out if she can. Her latest is saying goodbye to residents and staff when I take her from one part of the home to the other as though she is now on her way home.
The family took mum out for tea in a country house hotel five minutes from the home the Saturday after Christmas. It was ideal for mum, the place looked 'posh', the staff were attentive and the afternoon tea was delicious. Mum much prefers sweet things so afternoon tea for lunch was a much better bet than a proper meal. Mum was on good form, and correctly identified us all, even if she did ask my son how his mum was. She seemed a bit puzzled my brother wasn't there, but didn't actually say anything about him, and we didn't venture any information. Hopefully, after the Christmas Day scare, when he ended up in intensive care, he is now properly on the mend and we'll be able to do the same thing with him sometime this year. It was lovely that my sister-in-law and nephew could make it though. Mum had a black eye from where she'd fallen the previous Saturday. I had an apologetic phone call on Boxing Day as they obviously should have informed me straight away, but it had got missed in a shift change and the holidays. When I tool mum back I explained she'd had a couple of glasses of wine. I think the fall the previous Saturday had been due to her drinking at her floor's Christmas party. She is getting more unsteady on her feet and alcohol really seems to make a difference now. The carers seemed to think I was worried that I thought I wasn't taking care of her, it was just a flags up so they could keep an eye on her.
When I visited yesterday the carers were pleased that they'd managed to get her in the shower. I'd spoken to one of the team leaders when I'd been there for the party and I think they are trying to be more determined about personal care. Mum was always proud of her appearance, once telling me not to look at her when I bumped into her by chance in Marks as she hadn't got her make-up on! The last few months that's gone, though she'll say things like I'll have a shower when I go home tonight. Let's hope she gets used to the idea of having help.
I've emailed the manager so I can go in and have a chat about things are going, which I think will be useful going forward this year. I also am intending to only visit once a week and pick my time carefully. Mind you she could do with a new pair of shoes, but can I brave taking her to our local shopping centre to buy some?
I buy everything on line for dad. I cannot stomach the hassle.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
275
Central Scotland
. Mind you she could do with a new pair of shoes, but can I brave taking her to our local shopping centre to buy some?[/QUOTE]
Quick tip re the shoes issue. Look at the old pair that needs replacing and copy the style name, brand and size. Perhaps take a photo on your phone. Then search online or in the store where they were bought and get an exact replacement. This worked for OH who would have refused to wear an even slightly different pair.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
949
Bedford
Mum wanted to to a large shopping centre near me but fortunately I have persuaded her to go to a smaller retail park with me that has several chain stores on it (including the one she has gift vouchers for) I am hoping that Monday will be quieter. I do like the suggestion by @Wifenotcarer though.
Glad that your Mum is appearing more settled. I always like a good afternoon tea too so glad to hear it was a success.
Senior carer has managed to get Mum showering every few days but Mum does give her a hard time saying she has already had one even when still in p.j’s. Hope your Mum accepts the help. Mum too was always smart and make up done, even when not expecting visitors, so I do try to get her to put some make up on if we are going out. Success rates are variable. Real struggle to get her to change her tea stained jumper this morning before we went out.
Glad to hear your brother is on the mend again.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,006
I had a meeting with the care home manager today. I have never had a proper review of mum's care since she moved in over 8 months ago and it was very useful. The senior carer from her floor came down and we went through her care plan. One thing that was flagged up is that mum does not have a DNR in place. We all agreed it was in her best interests to have this, so they are going to contact the GP's surgery about sorting it out.
I also managed to have a quick chat with the activities co-ordinator about organising something for her birthday. I'll email my ideas over tomorrow. I've found a local company that does dance lessons and claims to be dementia friendly, right up mum's street. I also got asked to help out at another poetry session or two at the home, which will be fun.
I also took in a pair of shoes I'd bought on-line that I thought would be comfortable. Mum claimed they weren't. She was wearing a pair of Clark's shoes and I know they still do them. Trouble is she's worn them in so any new pair won't feel right. Maybe I will have to brave the shops sometime after all.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,616
Chester
I've somehow missed some posts (not aware of what happened on Christmas Day) with not being on boards over xmas etc and do hope all is well with your brother as I've had fingers metaphorically crossed for him for a while.

so glad you had a good meeting with care home manager and hope you can sort something out for her birthday.

I need to get new shoes for mum, and one of my issues is that hers are stretched so how do I make them feel comfy. As she so rarely goes outside I did wonder if I just got a good pair of slippers. I did buy some identical to hers off the internet but got the wrong size - think I muddled up US and UK sizes. No hurry for now though so will leave it.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
949
Bedford
So glad the meeting was positive. I went through Mum’s care plan with her senior carer but she also said so much about what Mum was up to that I don’t see which was interesting.
that sounds a lovely idea for your Mum’s birthday. I hope it is feasible.
Enjoy the poetry reading too.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,006
I had a voice mail message yesterday evening to say that mum had had another fall. No harm done, but I thought I'd better go and check on her today. She is certainly a lot less stable than she was even a few weeks ago, and it is probably getting to the time when we ought to persuade her that a walking stick at the very least would be useful. I don't fancy my chances of persuading her though! The senior carer who was on duty yesterday wasn't in today and though he said he'd phone me on Wednesday, it's much easier to me to talk to be people face to face, so I'll probably pop in then. As well as her mobility her cognition seemed to have taken a bit of a down turn as well. Because of my deafness and her very quiet voice I wasn't entirely sure what she was saying, but there was some stuff about my sister (I don't have one), and about the person who looks like me but isn't me.
I did manage her to put on the slippers I bought her at Christmas which she claimed were not comfortable, and she seemed happy with them. It'll be interesting to see if she still has them by Wednesday.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
949
Bedford
Sorry to hear that your Mum has had another fall but good that she was not hurt. Sad about the decline in cognition but better about the slippers. I hope they are still being worn on Wednesday.
A friend brought Mum a walking stick for her 90th in Oct. she had the right huff and said she was going to tell him where to shove it. Strangely once she moved to the CH she started using it. I am not sure if it was because a few of them use them. Now she goes round saying people should use a stick if they need one and they are silly if they don’t. If I knew what had persuaded her I would have let you know.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,006
I went to see mum last Thursday and she was much brighter than on the Monday, though still not making any sense. I also visited this Monday and it is obvious how much she's declined both physically and mentally over the last few months. She asked if her room was mine as she didn't recognise it for instance. She seems to be consistent in remembering I'm her daughter at the moment, which is good, but I'm not at all sure she knows my name and she did ask me how my mum was.
This evening the GP from the local practice phoned up about the DNR that I discussed with the Manager the other week. She handled the issues with great sensitivity, but I was very matter of fact about agreeing it is a good idea. I think that the fact that mum appears pretty well at present makes agreeing much easier. We also agreed that mum would go to hospital if it was in her interests, for a broken leg or a bad chest infection for instance, but we would keep that under review. I've heard lots of good things about this GP, and it really puts my mind at rest that she is keeping an eye on mum as well as the other residents on her weekly visits.
She hasn't asked to go home recently, though she does often mention going to see her mum and dad. I've started disappearing when she goes to the loo, to avoid any scenes, and that seems to be working too. If I'd done that when she was first there, she would have remembered at my next visit, not any more
 

wanderer22

New member
Jan 15, 2020
7
Hi there
I'm new to this website, but wish i'd found it a while ago. Anyway, just had a bad visit myself with mum today at CH, posted my own experience, and then came across your thread. I've just read the whole story from the beginning right up to today. Everyone else has a snippet, but being able to read a story and see how things have changed for someone else has managed to calm me down. I feel less guilty about leaving mum after each visit, and will try your tactics about disappearing when she's distracted - although still a little early for that, but I will remember it. I've just taken in 4 new pairs of trousers today. She only went in last Monday but seems to have lost most of hers already! I wouldn't mind so much but the hours I've spent sewing name tags onto every single sock and pair of knicks…….! Anyway, I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for sharing your story, it's been invaluable to me today.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,006
Glad you found it useful @wanderer22 , I've just replied on your thread.
I forgot to say that mum was wearing the slippers on Monday. Wasn't sure they were hers and still didn't think they were comfortable, but they were on her feet. Yeah, qualified success!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
949
Bedford
Glad you found it useful @wanderer22 , I've just replied on your thread.
I forgot to say that mum was wearing the slippers on Monday. Wasn't sure they were hers and still didn't think they were comfortable, but they were on her feet. Yeah, qualified success!
The success’ do make the world seem better however small.
Glad that your Mum was brighter on Thursday and that there is a good GP around. Can I ask about the DNR discussion as far as - did you raise it with Care Home Manager and then they spoke to GP. Had you had any discussions with your Mum? This is one area Mum refused to discuss at all and I am just wondering what to do. Sorry if I am being too nosy
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,006
Well mum is 92 today and has also been in her Care Home for nearly ten months. There is a photo of us both on the Tea Room forum if anyone wants to know what we look like. I was very pleased that the home made a big fuss of her and that she enjoyed the dancer they got in to lead us all in a variety of dances. Mum's hip isolation is still pretty impressive.
Other than that she is now extremely muddled, still worried about her mum (the carer she mentioned it to was excellent), and still asking about my mum and my sister, which I don't have. She is always pleased to see me which is great, but still wants to go home with me, so I had to sneak off. It is obvious the home she is thinking of isn't the one I actually live in, as she seemed surprised I'm still with my husband. She kept on telling everyone she was 74. I'm not sure why she thought that, as in her mind she seems a lot further back that eighteen years ago.
I'm going in again on Thursday to help run a session for World Book Day. I wonder if mum will still remember today then.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
731
Yorkshire
Glad your mum enjoyed the dancer for her birthday it sounds like a lovely time.
Its a shame she's muddled though and worried about her mum and wanting to go home with you must be difficult even though its not yours she means X
Mum often asks me if I'm still with same man and if she knows him, or has she met him, when she actually sees him every day now.
I hope you both have good day on thursday x
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,318
66
Toronto, Canada
Lovely that your mum enjoyed her birthday and the dancing. I too went through the experience of being her daughter then sister then a friend. Although I do cherish one moment when Mum was well into her illness and hadn't really known who I was for months. She got very, very annoyed and angry with me and said "I should have chopped your head off when you were a baby". That was the last full sentence she spoke to me and the reason I love it so is that she knew I was her daughter. My response was "Too late, Mum". It makes me smile to this day.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,616
Chester
I'm glad your mum had a good day.

If I hadn't watched strictly I wouldn't have a clue about hip isolation!

My mum asked me when she was in hospital with an infection if I was still married - I was a bit knocked by that. As infection was getting better she remembered more - although some big bits of my life with her are gone forever (I raced at canoe slalom from the age of 15 until 33 and so she took me up and down the country until I went to uni, and came to watch me at races until I retired from racing - and she can't remember that I canoed at all)
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,006
Mum seems to have very little memory now. I'm not sure if it is the dementia progressing or the lorazepam she takes to try and keep her on an even keel. Mum's memory didn't used to be the most overt of her symptoms, her lack of logic was much more obvious. Now she doesn't make a lot of sense, and has very little idea of who anyone I mention is anymore.
I'm now looking forward to tomorrow's activity, as one of the other residents has promised to recite a poem that ties in really well with the story I'm going to read.