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'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,568
Bedford
Lovely photo. My Mum is beginning to like her ‘glam’ sessions too and now even has her nails done too. Glad that both the tunic and the teddy bear have been a success. I am sure it will be a bit of a relief to get regular updates.
 

father ted

Registered User
Aug 16, 2010
713
London
Wow, your Mum is one stylish lady and looks great for 92!

I posted a reply soon after your initial post and felt compelled to look at your posts again as the title is exactly what my Mum used to say to me. It didn’t make it any easier though when she finally went into a home.

She settled well but the lockdown has turned everything topsy turvy and now she keeps asking when she is coming home- after 2.5 years and has dredged up all my guilt. She has no recollection of anything in the recent past but very clear memory of things 30,40,50,60 years ago etc.
My Mum too is a very stylish lady but over recent years has become less concerned and sometimes positively resistant to hair washes or having hairs plucked from her chin yet having her nails done still gives her a boost.

Hope all things settle for your Mum and glad your brother is much improved.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,704
Hi @father ted , my mum was always extremely vain. She wouldn't go out without having done her make up, spent a fortune at the hairdressers, and would change clothes instantly if she got dropped something on them. I like clothes too but I was never in her league when it came to make up, as I never wear any. Gradually over the last few years that has all disappeared. She was still doing her make-up when she went into her care home, tricky when her eyesight is so bad, but then she 'lost' it all and hasn't really bothered since. I like that in that photo someone has done her nails. She wasn't keen on that last time I was there and suggested it.
I'm of the opinion that my son should make sure I go into care if start getting into the pickles my mother was. I wonder if I will change my mind like her?
 

Tammer

Registered User
Dec 15, 2019
18
Mine and dh's are very clear on what we want in the event of mental incapacity - and it's certainly not our daughters giving up their lives to look after us.
I think this is an extremely important point. I feel the same way at 50 with a 9 yr old son. I will do everything I can to stay healthy - I already freak out when I can't remember my password manager password! - through exercise, healthy food, mental challenge and moderate socialising. Often people have different circumstances but it is a useful question to ask "would my mum / dad want me to give up my life to look after them?"
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,704
Mum has now been in care for over thirteen months, and of course I haven't seen her for the last three of them. I emailed the home and asked this week what the plans were for allowing visitor. They are intending to have timed slots in the garden shortly. I just hope it's a warm day when it's my turn as mum will be very grumpy if she feels cold! From the last photo I've seen she looks happy, and has maybe lost a bit of weight, which is probably OK, as she put about a stone on in her first few months there.
For those that have been interested in my brother, things aren't great at present, though hopefully will improve. He is going into a covid free hospital for an exploratory operation on Wednesday to see what needs doing to help him recover, as he has been in bed for most of the time since he came out in January.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,652
Yorkshire
Good to hear your mum looks happy on last photo you saw and that you may be able to visit soon 🤞 For a nice dry warm day when you get your garden visit.
Sorry to hear your brothers recovery isn't going as well as it should. I hope his operation goes well and they can help his recovery 🤞🤗
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,421
South coast
Hope you manage to visit your mum soon
Im sorry to hear about your brother - I had hoped he was improving. Hope all goes well on Wednesday
xx
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,865
Chester
I'm glad your mum looks OK in the photo.

I'm so sorry to read about your brother, I had so hoped that things were improving for him, so hard for him, his wife and his little boy
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,568
Bedford
Sorry to hear about your brother and I hope the exploratory examination on Wednesday is productive and provides a recovery plan.
lovely that you saw a photo of your happy Mum and hopefully the sun will shine on your visit to your Mum.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,704
Well, it was fourteen months yesterday that mum moved to her care home. I still haven't seen her since lockdown started four months ago. I could set up a 'garden gate' visit, but as I can't hear her unless I'm standing next to her and she wouldn't recognise me in a mask from a distance, I think I'll wait a little longer. I've been sending in flowers, cards etc. I got a nice picture last week of mum with the bunch of sunflowers I sent in, and the business manager sent me a picture of mum combing her hair after a shower this week. The fact that it warranted a photo makes me think that getting mum to shower is something to celebrate.
The lovely senior carer on her floor, phoned yesterday to ask my permission for monthly Covid checks for mum. Of course I agreed. He seemed pretty upbeat and seems to think that the home might open up a little more shortly. Staff will be having weekly checks. He was rather ill with the vile virus earlier this year, but says he is now fine, which is good to hear.
Just before lockdown I was at the home when they were interviewing for a new chef. There were plates of food being tested by senior staff. I think they must have started work, as Facebook has been full of home made waffles with strawberries, chocolates and cream and Independence Day menus!
Update on my brother. He went for the tests at a Covid free hospital as planned a month ago. Yesterday he let me know that he's decided to go for a permanent colostomy. They could try to repair the damage to his bowel but it might not work, whereas a colostomy should sort it all out once and for all. He's been very cheerful during our family quizzes which has been great to see. My sister in law also had some brilliant news regarding the work she does last week, which hopefully will mean more work for her in the long term. She works in film PR and of course that has totally dried up these last few months.

Edited to change thirteen months to fourteen in first sentence as mum moved in May last year.
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,652
Yorkshire
Glad to read your mum is doing ok in her home, I hope things lift so you can visit soon 🤞 Good news about your sister in laws work. Some good news for them is nice. I hope the colostomy helps your brother and after that operation and recovery he feels better than he is now. It's not an easy decision to make to have one but in long run it may be a better thing if repair didn't work it could mean another operation further down line to do colostomy anyway. I hope all goes well for him X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,421
South coast
Good to hear your updates @Sarasa
I think I agree with you about the visits - you dont want to upset her. I do hope we dont get a second wave and visits are allowed again.

I hope your brother is OK. Such a difficult decision to make.
xx
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,568
Bedford
That must have been a very difficult decision for your brother. Hopefully he will make a quick recovery and good news for your sister in law regarding the work.
It must be hard not to have a visit that would work for you both. You cannot be the only person in this type of situation and perhaps in the not too distant future they might be able to organise something slightly different for you and your Mum. Glad you are getting the photos though.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,704
This month's update. Well, I still haven't seen mum since lockdown started. The home was optimistic about starting garden visits, then they got another case, so that didn't happen. Then the testing regime went to pot because they can't get the tests due to so many being faulty. I think we are looking at the beginning of September at the earliest before they'll allow visits. An email from the manager said that they'll only allow one regular visitor, the same one each time. I was hoping that they'd allow two as I really need someone to tell me what my mum is saying as I wouldn't be able to hear her two metres away. My hearing is dire, but I can hear most people at that distance (when I'm wearing aids), but mum talks very quietly and very randomly so I can't fill in the gaps where I don't get a word. I've been sending in cards, thanks to those who've mentioned touchnote and goodies to be shared by her floor. Also thanks to @imthedaughter for pointing out problems with pensions being paid. I've informed the DWP and am now waiting to hear back from the OPG. I'll chase tomorrow if no email by then. With the volume on full and my phone on speaker phone I can use it quite well. Not ideal when I'm in a crowded space but fine in my living room. I think I also need to contact the manager and other staff for a bit of an update on how mum is. The only contact I've had is to tell me she had a fall but was fine and that her covid test was negative. It's beginning to feel very odd, almost as if she is dead, but not quite.
My brother is in hospital just having had the colostomy operation. He managed to get on line for our family quiz on Sunday, mainly so he could wave to us all, rather than take part. I think things are going as well as they can, but it's been such a bumpy ride for him.
On Saturday I'm off to spend a few days looking after my mother in law with my husband. He keeps on saying I don't need to go, but she is one of my best friends, and I think it could be a tough time as she is getting borderline incontinent. Brother in law, her principal carer refuses to consider extra help and younger sister, who is a carer, is dead against the idea of a care home. SiL has not been feeling feel and has gone for a covid test. If its positive it might throw everyone's plans up in the air. She sees her mum three times a week, and the reason we are going is so brother in law can go on holiday. If there is a chance either mil or bil have caught it I don't think our turning up would be wise.
In much nicer news, assuming we don't get the virus by Friday week or Italy goes into lockdown again we're off to spend a few days north of Venice with a friend at his house. It's deep in prosecco country. cheers!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,652
Yorkshire
I'm keeping fingers crossed your SIL hasn't got covid, 🤞 None of rest of them, or you get it 🤞and that your visit to MIL goes ok.🤞 I hope you get email saying all sorted with Pension today 🤞and if not call goes well.
That must seem such a long time till september to see your mum and then it will be so problematic. Might be odd idea but could home lend a mobile phone for visit and put it near your mum on speaker and you have yours on speaker near you to help you hear her? I understand need for homes to be careful and guidance from government has been rubbish but the more I hear about how homes are coping and visiting problems I get so angry and I'm not even going to one. Although at minute worrying about mum going in one. I find the whole thing disgusting, it's like government think people who are in homes don't matter, out of sight out of mind, it must be so hard for you and others with relatives in care homes 🤗
I hope your brother recovers well, it has been a horrible time for him. 🤗🤞
🤞 Fingers crossed your partaking of prosecco in italy soon 🤞
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,287
The regular covid testing for CHs isn't being rolled out until early September so visits should not go ahead until then (according to govt guidance). My mother's CH has delayed starting visits until then. I haven't seen her since 12 March, I am pretty sure she will have no idea who I am when we next meet.

I believe a carer will stay with your mother throughout the visit, so she could tell you what your mother's saying, I think visits are generally chaperoned so the CH knows the rules are followed. It'd be worth asking if this is the case.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother, I know he's been ill for some time. I hope his recovery goes as well as possible.

Fingers crossed for your holiday :)