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'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Sarasa, May 10, 2019.

  1. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    340
    I've had a thread for the last year on the Memory Concerns and Seeking a Diagnosis forum about my ups and downs trying to support my mother and get her the help she needs. I think it's time to start a new thread here now mum has just moved into a home.
    The title comes from something she said to me when she was in her fifties and running round holding down a demanding job and trying to support my dad look after his parents. I thought at the time it was unlikely she'd think that when she got to needing one, and so it proved.
    A bit of background, mum has been very insistent that she is fine, even though her behaviour has become more and more erratic the last year or so. The first real worry was when she thought her new neighbours were coming in and moving her belongings, controlling her heating and stealing her belongings. She kept on banging on their door demanding they returned things. Over the last six months her general memory has got very much worse, she was very confused about times and dates, often thinking I'd been there when I hadn't and forgetting I'd been there when I had. She also couldn't remember various members of the family, confusing my son with my brother for instance. She was also putting herself at risk by going to the local pubs and drinking with random men. Physically she is pretty amazing for 91, but has very poor eyesight due to macular degeneration
    We had several attempt at getting her to the memory clinic, and in the end after a meltdown in her doctor's surgery the psychiatrist paid her a surprise visit. He diagnosed 'probable vascular dementia'.
    Neither my brother or I live near by, so we persuaded mum she would move nearer my brother. The original idea was that mum would move into extra care accommodation near him, and with that in mind we put her flat on the market. The sale of this is in the process of going through at the moment. Recently though the extra care complex has reduced the amount of support available to residents, and with mum's continued decline we realised that wouldn't be enough. Then my brother was diagnosed with cancer and needed a major operation, so needed to take a step back. Add in that I was going on holiday and as a family we agreed to find mum a residential home near me on a temporary basis, with a view to making it permanent.
    So on Wednesday I moved mum in. She thought we were going on holiday (a long story but in theory she is going on a cruise with sister in law and I in June). When she realised I'd been extremely economical with the truth she was not happy. I had told her she'd be staying near me for a bit, but she'd forgotten that she kicked off, and I thought for a horrible minute of two the home were going to ask me to take her away. Since then it has been up and down, but last heard of she was teaching the other residents dance moves, so maybe she is starting to settle. From what they said this morning she is more confused than she was. She has totally forgotten I'm married, but thinks I have a nasty boyfriend who won't let mum live with me, said she needed to get home to her mum, and thinks she's been there for eight weeks.
    So early days, and goodness knows what happens next but I'm off on holiday tomorrow. When I get back I'm going to cancel the cruise. My brother will be out of hospital by then, but obviously still not well, and I don't want to unsettle mum again if she's settled. Hopefully she'll have forgotten about the cruise. It's been one of the few things she has remembered consistently recently.
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,386
    Female
    South coast
    Hi @Sarasa
    It been a roller coaster for you but it does sound like your mum is beginning to settle

    I hope your brother is OK with the treatment.
    But you wont be cancelling the cruise will you ;) ? Theres been a problem with the ship, so its been delayed...........
     
  3. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    683
    London
    Sarasa, from the sound of it you have made the right decision at just the right time.

    Your brother needs to concentrate on his health and at least she is safe, in fact she sounds as if she has settled well. There are bound to be ups and downs but that is all part and parcel of dementia, indeed of getting old.
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,198
    Female
    It's very early days but it sounds like she is already startling to settle and join in. In the first few days I too was gripped with a fear the CH would ask my mother to leave (I suspect everyone feels like this) because she didn't sleep for two nights and started hallucinating and was much more confused than usual - obviously they didn't know her so didn't know if it was normal behaviour. On the third night she slept and started to settle in and all was fine.

    I agree with @canary, if she asks about the cruise tell her it has been delayed - make up any reason you like. Obviously if she doesn't mention it, say nothing!

    Hope you have a good holiday.
     
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    It does sound as if she's beginning to settle, and fingers Xed she'll forget the cruise eventually.

    I think people saying 'if I ever get like that, put me in a home!' is fairly common - until the same people get dementia, when of course there's nothing wrong with them!

    However, if you make your wishes crystal clear in a Health and Welfare power of attorney, at least your relatives will know what you wanted when you were still compos mentis.
    Mine and dh's are very clear on what we want in the event of mental incapacity - and it's certainly not our daughters giving up their lives to look after us.
     
  6. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    340
    I'm back from my holiday and have just phoned up the home. Mum is constantly asking to leave, though she can settle if distracted. I was wondering about visiting today, but think I will leave it till I speak to someone who knows her better tomorrow. The guy I spoke to knew who she was, and seemed to think visiting was a good idea, but I'm sure she'll be expecting me to take her home and that isn't going to happen. My sister-in-law spoke to the home last week and the consensus was that she isn't safe on her own.
    My brother came home last week, but is now back in hospital as he wasn't coping at home. Hopefully they'll get him properly on the mend soon.
     
  7. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,198
    Female
    I think I'd do the same, wait to speak to another member of staff tomorrow. If she sees you she will inevitably think you're taking her home and/or berate you about it, which won't be good for either of you.

    That's a shame about your brother but as you say hopefully he will soon be fit to return home again. I hope you had a good holiday despite all the upheaval and worry.
     
  8. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    218
    Male
    North West
    #8 Palerider, May 19, 2019
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
    Its difficult when it comes to holidays. I took my mum back to Malta in 2016 for one last time. Mum and dad lived there in the 1960's for a few years. I'm glad I took her it brought back so any memories and she really enjoyed it, but the downside was that I hadn't realised she had changed. I spent most of my nights staying awake to ensure she didn't wander. Its was worth it but I returned completely sleep deprived.

    An old friend of mine is celenrating her 50th birthday next year and invited mum and I on the cruise. Its been a difficult decision to make, but because she has deteriorated again it would be unwise to take her sadly.
     
  9. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    340
    I've been to see mum twice since I got back from holiday. On Monday she was a bit subdued, thought I was there to take her home, but seemed to accept when I said I wasn't and that her place is in a mess at the moment due to building work so she wouldn't want to be there anyway.
    Today she was in the lounge in her coat, with plastic bags at her feet and her handbag over her shoulder. She was raging and when I said no I wasn't taking her home and really kicked off. In the end I had to slip away. Yesterday she got out of the fire escape and had to be enticed back inside, something they are all taking in their stride fortunately. Today she was vile, calling the care staff bitches, threatening to call the police, claiming she'd been pushed downstairs etc etc. I tried to point out how unhappy she'd been at home, but of course she's forgotten all that.
    The consensus is that it will take her a while to settle, though she does have times when she appears at least content. It's annoying as if she did settle there is much she could enjoy. She didn't get taken on a boat trip yesterday as they couldn't be sure of her behaviour and today she was refusing to visit the hairdresser and nail bar, even though she needs both her hair sorted and her nails cut.
    The staff were great at calming me down, making me coffee and assuring me it will all be fine in the end.
    At least I now have good news about my brother, he is home from hospital and sounds much perkier than he did last week when he ended up going back in again.
     
  10. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,198
    Female
    That is very good news about your brother. I hope he continues to improve.

    And also good news that the staff are so relaxed about your mother's behaviour, it sounds as if they are very capable and good at dealing with her. You just never know how long it will take someone to settle - hopefully sooner rather than later.
     
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,386
    Female
    South coast
    Im sorry your mum was so vile to you, but it sounds like the staff are onto it.
    Its going to take time

    Good news about your brother
    xx
     
  12. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    4,937
    Female
    Chester
    good news about your brother.

    And good news that the staff are on board and looking after her.

    Content seems a positive, although it is hard to see it for you. At least she isn't upsetting the neighbours and phoning you about it.
     
  13. Toony Oony

    Toony Oony Registered User

    Jun 21, 2016
    429
    Hi @Sarasa - I haven't been on here for a while, but just thought I would let you know that I had a quick chat with your Mum today - she is sooooo glamorous, made me feel about twice as old as her and really frumpy (mind you I was not having a good day!) On Wednesday she asked a staff member if I was you ..... but then you did say her eyes were bad :D. Didn't realise who she was when she first moved in ... but then the penny dropped.

    If ever you need a bit of surreptitious surveillance ;) - just PM me.

    X
     
  14. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    340
    Thanks @Toony Oony. Mum is not settling very well :(. As well as being cross with me on Wednesday she managed to persuade a carer to phone me on Thursday so she could shout some more!
    I just hope she settles as I really like the place but noises are being made about one to one and not being able to cope. :(:(
     
  15. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,198
    Female
    I hope your mother settles, it is still early days, it can take months.
    If the current care home don't feel it's the right place for her, there will be somewherelse which can better meet her needs - but hopefully it won't come to that.
     
  16. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    340
    I've been to the home three times since I last wrote, on two of those occasions I had a brief chat to mum and although she wants to leave she wasn't ranting and seemed to accept that she was going to be there for a while, though she doesn't like it, and thinks it's because people think she is mad. I can see her point, she was used to going out every day to Marks for a coffee and she can't do that, but she also wasn't safe and was likely to get herself into some serious bother very soon. Also some of the other residents fit her idea of what being 'mad' is. Hopefully they'll take her out soon and that might make her a bit happier. The third time I went she was at a talk about forties musicals which she admits was interesting, and I didn't want to disturb her. She's forgotten that she didn't have access to things like that when she was in her own home.
    I've been dreading having to make up more lies to go along with the 'you can't go home there's lots of work being done to the flats.' about the cruise I've cancelled. Today she asked me if I'd enjoyed the cruise we'd just been on, though she thinks that next time she'd prefer to go by herself. :rolleyes:
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,386
    Female
    South coast
    Well thats one way to get round it, I suppose LOL

    It does sound like your mum is settling. Once she has settled you might be able to take her out for coffee somewhere which might be nice.
     
  18. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,198
    Female
    I thought my mother would feel really confined at the care home because she too had been used to going out every day, her carer used to take her out to the shops or the park. And of course she was used to living on her own rather than having multiple people around 24/7. But she did adjust, and within a few months seemed to have forgotten her previous life, she never refers to it now and her life at the care home is the 'new normal'.
     
  19. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    340
    This week has not been good. Tuesday was OK, I went and managed to get mum out into the garden of the home for a coffee. She was convinced her flat had already been sold and was cross about it, though wondering if she could go along and persuade the new owners to ler to have it back, but not ranting. I didn't explain that the sale hasn't gone through yet as I thought that would have her packing her bags there and then. She does know what home she is referring to, though she's forgotten how unhappy she was living there most of the last couple of years.
    Yesterday I went back as I noticed she needed some toiletries. She was in a total rage about everything.Tuesday she thought it was my husband who'd sold the place, yesterday it was me. She kept on ranting about how unkind I was to put her in the home, how she hated it etc. etc. I walked out, but a carer who has obviously been working very hard with mum, got me back and I took mum to the coffee bar for a drink. On the way back to her floor, she started again and carer again came and tried to calm her down. Mum wants out, and the carer was saying all the different places nearby she could go for a change, and that I could take her. We agreed, but not before I tried to point out how concerned I was when she was living on her own. I wasn't on my own she said, you were there and your dad. I haven't lived with her since I was a teenager and my dad died twenty years OK. Deep breath, ignored that and said I'd come over on Friday with a choice of three cafes she could go out and visit.
    Today the same carer put mum on the phone. She was raging about how she hadn't given permission for her flat to be sold, she was going back there tonight, etc etc. Carer intervened to say remind her you are coming over and going out for coffee. Did that and she magically calmed down. I have the horrible feeling she's only understood the 'out' bit of that sentence and if I do take her out, getting her back will be tricky.
    As far as I'm aware there isn't a DOLs in place yet, and I'm really worried that mum will get her way and be allowed to return home. The home keep on assuring me that isn't the case and that she obviously can't live independently any more, but she can sound pretty persuasive and she is obviously deeply unhappy. I know she'd be equally unhappy at home, but it is tough.
    I am now sitting here feeling thoroughly miserable that I'm chucking her money at something she hates, but that I had no other option.
    In better news I saw my brother at the weekend (who my mum thought was called Liam, he isn't) and although still very ill and frail is getting better.
     
  20. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    813
    I feel for you, my mother-in-law was like this in her care home. My husband refused to take any calls from his mother which the staff tried to pass on to him. They were always the same from her ..." I want to go home, you come and collect me " she tried to get round this by telling the carers it was private, but he stood his ground and still refused to talk directly to her, only the staff. Eventually, this phase passed. We only visited for short time periods as soon as the rage started we would leave. Harsh perhaps, but the only way to deal with it. Stay strong
     

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