'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Sarasa, May 10, 2019.

  1. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    Mum is still pretty mobile, and although she is rapidly becoming extremely confused presents as fairly together when she want to, and when whoever she is talking to doesn't realise that a lot of what she says is confabulation.
    One thing that really irks me was that mum did just shove her mother-in-law into a home without much thought as to it's suitability. I never saw nan there, as the one time I tried to visit the home was closed because of illness, and she died a couple of weeks later. I made sure that mum moved to a place with lots going on, good staff, nice facilities. Agghhhhh!
  2. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018

    That is very good news about your brother.

    Re your mother, you can only do your best. And whatever you do it's likely she won't be happy, it's the nature of the disease, so the best you can hope for may just be 'safe'. These aren't decisions we ever wanted to make, we don't want to organise our parents' lives, but as you say there was no option.

    My mother's CH told me if my mother insisted she wanted to go home they would take out an emergency DoLS. However, she didn't, and over a year later as far as I know she still hasn't had a DoLS - there is a huge backlog apparently.

    Maybe I should be glad my mother has no idea who I am - at least I don't get blamed for anything!
  3. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    Well it's now nearly six weeks since mum went into the home, and gradually things seems to be falling into place.
    Since I last wrote I've managed to take her out to the coffee shop round the corner twice, and she went on a trip with other residents. That was a success as it was a boat trip and mum used to be extremely competent at handing boats, having spent a good part of each year on the canals. They let her have a 'steer' which she enjoyed, and she got a chance to dress up to go out which also boosted her morale. She still hates the idea she is locked in, but if she is away from her floor she seems to forget that bit and starts seeing the home as a quite posh block of flats. Hopefully that idea will take over in time. I also managed to help her tidy her room up a bit and get her suitcases into her wardrobe. Now they aren't on display she might forget to keep on packing to go home.
    My sister in law came over to visit last week. It was good having someone else there as between us we managed to distract mum enough so I could get her keys from her handbag and substitute them for an old set from her flat. SiL is working in the area some of the time this summer, so will bring her car next time and we can maybe get mum a bit further afield. As it is I'm going to try to get her to a different café a little further up the road. on Friday.
    The flat isn't sold yet, though we are very near exchange of contract stage. I'm hoping that will be done and dusted in the next couple of months. Mum thinks it is already sold and my nasty boyfriend (aka my lovely husband) has pocketed the money. I keep assuring her things are fine.
    My brother is slowly on the mend, but SiL thinks he won't be ready to see mum for a while as he is neither physically or emotionally strong enough. She thinks he'll start re-visiting the extra care sheltered housing idea, which really won't work.
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    So good to hear from you @Sarasa with the update on your mum.
    Yes, it really does sound like she is settling in. The fact that she can go out on trips is a very big plus and the boat trip sounds a great success.

    Can you remove her suitcases entirely? Perhaps when she is doing something else and sneak them out into the car? Im glad your brother is getting better, it certainly sounds like it would be best if he didnt see his mum yet.
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    I'm pleased things are working out. I've been following your posts, it's certainly been a rollercoaster
  6. imthedaughter

    imthedaughter Registered User

    Apr 3, 2019
    Finally it sounds like things are looking up! Thank heavens. Re the extra care idea, I wanted to look at that for my dad but in actuality it is much, much safer for him to be relatively independent in his care home. He can be trusted to go out to the shop around the corner and to podiatry appointments (if someone goes with him) and they will help him maintain his independence for as long as he wants to, then step in when needs be. In the meantime he seems to think it's a sort of house share thing where he's renting a room.... of course all the other residents are crackers and there's nothing wrong with him, apart from that dodgy leg...!
  7. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    @imthedaughter , yes the extra care place my brother likes wouldn't do as mum would be on her own a lot of the time as there are no activities planned and no one in over night. It's much better that she is in a care home where there is lots going on.
    I wish she could be trusted to go out on her own. Even if she was really happy there and not threatening to leave I don't think she'd manage to pop the shops on her own. She'd either forget which way to turn to get back to the home or be enticed by the idea of hoping on a bus. I keep on telling her that none of the buses go anywhere near where she lived, but not sure that she believes me.
  8. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    It's two months exactly since I moved mum into care. She's slowly getting used to the place. In fact she said she'd quite like it if it wasn't for the other residents. A couple are a bit challenging as mum can be at times and of course mum thinks she's not like that at all.
    We still haven't got a completion date for the sake of mums flat but we are slowly clearing it. I'm there now trotting down to the local charity shops with stuff before a few people turn up to collect items we've free cycled. I have a pile of things that we'll take over to make
    Mum's room look more homely next week(we don't have a car and don't want to have to hire one more than necessary). It's very odd though going through stuff has thrown up things I didn't know like my great grandfather coming from a small Gloucestershire town where my cousin ( another great granddaughter ) lives. I'd always assumed that bit of the family had always lived in the East End.

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