1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Sarasa, May 10, 2019.

  1. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    Mum is still pretty mobile, and although she is rapidly becoming extremely confused presents as fairly together when she want to, and when whoever she is talking to doesn't realise that a lot of what she says is confabulation.
    One thing that really irks me was that mum did just shove her mother-in-law into a home without much thought as to it's suitability. I never saw nan there, as the one time I tried to visit the home was closed because of illness, and she died a couple of weeks later. I made sure that mum moved to a place with lots going on, good staff, nice facilities. Agghhhhh!
     
  2. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,414
    Female

    That is very good news about your brother.

    Re your mother, you can only do your best. And whatever you do it's likely she won't be happy, it's the nature of the disease, so the best you can hope for may just be 'safe'. These aren't decisions we ever wanted to make, we don't want to organise our parents' lives, but as you say there was no option.

    My mother's CH told me if my mother insisted she wanted to go home they would take out an emergency DoLS. However, she didn't, and over a year later as far as I know she still hasn't had a DoLS - there is a huge backlog apparently.

    Maybe I should be glad my mother has no idea who I am - at least I don't get blamed for anything!
     
  3. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    Well it's now nearly six weeks since mum went into the home, and gradually things seems to be falling into place.
    Since I last wrote I've managed to take her out to the coffee shop round the corner twice, and she went on a trip with other residents. That was a success as it was a boat trip and mum used to be extremely competent at handing boats, having spent a good part of each year on the canals. They let her have a 'steer' which she enjoyed, and she got a chance to dress up to go out which also boosted her morale. She still hates the idea she is locked in, but if she is away from her floor she seems to forget that bit and starts seeing the home as a quite posh block of flats. Hopefully that idea will take over in time. I also managed to help her tidy her room up a bit and get her suitcases into her wardrobe. Now they aren't on display she might forget to keep on packing to go home.
    My sister in law came over to visit last week. It was good having someone else there as between us we managed to distract mum enough so I could get her keys from her handbag and substitute them for an old set from her flat. SiL is working in the area some of the time this summer, so will bring her car next time and we can maybe get mum a bit further afield. As it is I'm going to try to get her to a different café a little further up the road. on Friday.
    The flat isn't sold yet, though we are very near exchange of contract stage. I'm hoping that will be done and dusted in the next couple of months. Mum thinks it is already sold and my nasty boyfriend (aka my lovely husband) has pocketed the money. I keep assuring her things are fine.
    My brother is slowly on the mend, but SiL thinks he won't be ready to see mum for a while as he is neither physically or emotionally strong enough. She thinks he'll start re-visiting the extra care sheltered housing idea, which really won't work.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,880
    Female
    South coast
    So good to hear from you @Sarasa with the update on your mum.
    Yes, it really does sound like she is settling in. The fact that she can go out on trips is a very big plus and the boat trip sounds a great success.

    Can you remove her suitcases entirely? Perhaps when she is doing something else and sneak them out into the car? Im glad your brother is getting better, it certainly sounds like it would be best if he didnt see his mum yet.
     
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    918
    I'm pleased things are working out. I've been following your posts, it's certainly been a rollercoaster
     
  6. imthedaughter

    imthedaughter Registered User

    Apr 3, 2019
    56
    Finally it sounds like things are looking up! Thank heavens. Re the extra care idea, I wanted to look at that for my dad but in actuality it is much, much safer for him to be relatively independent in his care home. He can be trusted to go out to the shop around the corner and to podiatry appointments (if someone goes with him) and they will help him maintain his independence for as long as he wants to, then step in when needs be. In the meantime he seems to think it's a sort of house share thing where he's renting a room.... of course all the other residents are crackers and there's nothing wrong with him, apart from that dodgy leg...!
     
  7. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    @imthedaughter , yes the extra care place my brother likes wouldn't do as mum would be on her own a lot of the time as there are no activities planned and no one in over night. It's much better that she is in a care home where there is lots going on.
    I wish she could be trusted to go out on her own. Even if she was really happy there and not threatening to leave I don't think she'd manage to pop the shops on her own. She'd either forget which way to turn to get back to the home or be enticed by the idea of hoping on a bus. I keep on telling her that none of the buses go anywhere near where she lived, but not sure that she believes me.
     
  8. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    It's two months exactly since I moved mum into care. She's slowly getting used to the place. In fact she said she'd quite like it if it wasn't for the other residents. A couple are a bit challenging as mum can be at times and of course mum thinks she's not like that at all.
    We still haven't got a completion date for the sake of mums flat but we are slowly clearing it. I'm there now trotting down to the local charity shops with stuff before a few people turn up to collect items we've free cycled. I have a pile of things that we'll take over to make
    Mum's room look more homely next week(we don't have a car and don't want to have to hire one more than necessary). It's very odd though going through stuff has thrown up things I didn't know like my great grandfather coming from a small Gloucestershire town where my cousin ( another great granddaughter ) lives. I'd always assumed that bit of the family had always lived in the East End.
     
  9. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    Today I thought mum had settled enough to take her on the bus to get her hair done at my hairdressers and then on another bus into town to do a bit of shopping and have lunch. Mum is still very mobile and very chatty, even if she needs a bit of help getting on and off buses and her chat doesn't make a lot of sense. She tends to talk quite quietly and wander from topic to topic, which probably means she is actually making more sense than I think she is, as being deaf, I tend to miss vital links as she goes from one subject to the next. I often find visiting a chore, and while she was at home there was also the whole fire fighting aspect of her care too. Today's visit was almost as much fun as we had twenty odd years ago.
    The flat sale is inching towards completion. We've nearly cleared the place after a couple of days work, just a bit more to do. I'll be glad when that is sorted. The deputy manager at the care home is sorting out getting a medical reference from the local GP surgery to help in claiming the money back for the holiday we didn't go on. I'll be so glad when both those things are resolved and I've cleared all the standing orders etc to do with the flat. Then I need to start sorting out mum's other assets. I have a pile of paperwork to go through about that.
    In other news my brother is back in hospital which is worry. Hopefully they can get to the bottom of what is causing the problems and he can really start to recover. Mum doesn't ask after him much which is good in one way, but very sad in another.
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,880
    Female
    South coast
    Hi @Sarasa its good to hear about your mum. It sounds like you had a lovely day. My mum became a whole load of fun to take out too. I think that as her anxiety reduced she relaxed and as I no longer had to worry about what was going on I relaxed too, so we were both able to enjoy ourselves.

    Im sorry to hear about your brother, though
    Yes, its a bittersweet moment.
     
  11. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    After the good time on Friday, yesterday's visit to mum wasn't so positive. She is STILL wanting to leave, her latest idea is to write a letter explaining why. It was obvious from our trip out on Friday she can no longer live independently, however her reasoning does have some logic to it Not her insistence that she was happy in her previous flat and could manage fine, that hasn't been true for several years though mum doesn't remember that. Her other points have some validity though. Some of the other residents are challenging, though in different ways to mum, and I can see they annoy her. The food isn't what she likes, and I must admit on yesterday's showing it doesn't look great. The home has a good reputation for its activities, but those seem to be for a chosen few and mum would be heaps better if she was taken out more. I spent some time raising the points about food and activities with a member of staff and I hope something comes of that. I've promised to take her out for lunch on Friday so hopefully that will cheer her up
     
  12. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    Today my husband and finished clearing mum's flat and gave the spare set of keys to the estate agents. The contracts were exchanged on Friday and completion is next Friday. My living room is now filled with stuff that either needs to go to the care home, to my brothers or needs to go into our loft until my brother is well enough for us to sort through it and decide what to do with it. At the moment husband and I are attacking the wine and leaving all that till tomorrow!
    Mum was a bit frailer when I saw her last week, I took her for a walk round the block and she seemed pretty tired by the end. She is getting more muddled she asked me how 'Sarasa' is, and when I said that's me, started going on about the other one. She's done that with my brother and sister-in-law before but not me, I guess its Capgras syndrome.
    My brother is still pretty unwell. He's been back in hospital for three and a half weeks, but the consultant has a plan, just hope it works.
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,880
    Female
    South coast
    Im sorry your mum is still unhappy. It is so sad when they are getting frail and are completely oblivious to it. Unfortunately, food is something that they all seem to complain about. I suppose its because they are losing their sense of taste and everything tastes bland and unappetising to them. Could you try taking in little treats for her to eat?

    Im glad the selling of the flat is near to an end - you deserve that wine after clearing it all! Ive still got boxes of mums stuff stacked up in the smallest bedroom that I still cant bare to go through.

    I hope your brothers consultants plan works, neither you nor your brother needs further problems
    xx
     
  14. Feistywoman

    Feistywoman Registered User

    Aug 11, 2018
    77
    That wine sounds very deserved @Sarasa and yes the stuff will all be there when you’re ready. Good the sale is complete, one less thing to worry about.

    Sorry to hear your brother is still so unwell, it must be such a testing time for you.
     
  15. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,589
    West Midlands
    Got a garage stuffed that still needs to be sorted 3 years later

    It isn’t doing any harm being there - more harm for me to deal with it, so it shall stay as it is until......

    Hoping the plan works for your brother. Thinking of you xxx
     
  16. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,030
    Female
    Chester
    Hoping the plan for your brother works.

    Well done on clearing the flat.
     
  17. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    403
    The sale of mum's flat is completed and the money is in her account. I don't need to do the two trains and a bus journey to where she lived for the foreseeable future. Hooray! Now need to go through her various investments etc and work out how best to maximise the money she's got so it lasts as long as possible for care home fees. As physically she's pretty good for 91, I think she is likely to out last the money, but I'll worry about that in a couple of years time.
    Last week she was pretty settled and enjoying herself with the various activities on offer. Today she was wondering around with a bag wanting to leave. The fact that they won't allow her out really riles her, but of course she isn't safe out alone as she doesn't have a clue where she actually is, and still thinks she could jump on a random bus and get back to her old flat. I did the old Dementia Talking Point favourite and took her out for cake and a glass of wine. She was still not happy when we got back, but wandered into lunch without a fuss. I think she is probably never going to settle as such, but as things progress will probably get less cross about it all.
    My brother has been moved to another hospital, and the consultant there seems to have a plan. Hopefully he'll get home sometime in the near future.
     

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