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'If I get like that, put me in a home'

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,503
Thanks @jugglingmun. Brother is back in hospital with sepsis (again!) after having just got out after seven weeks last Wednesday. Hopefully they can finally get it sorted and he can start to properly recover. He's lost over 20 kilos. Fortunately he was rather overweight to begin with. My husband, who only weighs 60 kilos, would be dead by now. I'm waiting for the latest update from my sister-in-law.
However I have had some very good news today. The insurance company has paid up for the holiday I had to cancel for mum sister-in-law and me when mum went into the home and my sister-in-law couldn't go because of my brother.
Husband and I have won a night in a nice B&B tomorrow, in one of our favourite places, so I think prosecco will be drunk!
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
Well today I was channelling my inner @kindred. I turned up quite early with half a plan to take mum out on a bus somewhere. However she seemed happy to just go down and have a drink in the Home's 'coffee bar'. There was a keep fit session going on next door so we wandered into that. When that finished the activities co-ordinator was trying to finish off a group poem the residents started a while a go. Poetry was obviously not her thing, so I ended up joining in, and before I knew it was leading the session. It was fun, and the co-ordinator looked rather relieved. She's asked me to go back and do another one in October.
Mum was enjoying herself too, though not happy when I took her back to her floor. I don't mind getting involved with stuff if it gets her involved too.
Oh I love you! Thank you with all my heart for letting us know about this. I so believe the best way to cope with all this is to get stuck in … Well done. Group poem sounds interesting. with love, Geraldine aka kindredxxx
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,503
Mum is still very unhappy, and as yet nothing back from the GP or memory clinic about any medication to take the edge off her anxiety. On Friday she was very upset as she thought the carers were abusing her mother. It had something to do with her objecting to the carers helping someone eat their dinner. Not sure which resident mum has identified as her 'mum'. On Tuesday she was convinced that I'd been locked in a room somewhere and she'd been trying all the doors trying to find me. I'm keeping on visiting and hoping that things do finally settle, though I still haven't mastered the art of an easy exit.
The home are still trying to involve her in activities, and they are hoping she can take part in a dance event in November, dance very much being mum's favourite thing. I've agreed to go along too to try and keep her calm. Fortunately I like dancing as well. I'm just glad they haven't talked about asking her to leave - yet.
My brother is still in hospital, and has now been transferred back to the hospital he was in originally. He now appears to have a blocked bowel to add to his other woes. Mum seems to have forgotten about him, though she was asking about the tall person with lots of cars the other day, who I think is my brother, though she said it wasn't when I mentioned his name.
Our night away was lovely and we went to a wedding in Bristol at the weekend that was also very enjoyable and we have a holiday coming up on the 28th so I'm trying to think of the nice things happening and not dwelling too much on the not so good. If I thought about it too much I'd be blaming myself for mum's steep decline the last couple of months and beating myself up about handling it badly. There doesn't seem a lot of point in that.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,892
South coast
Im sure your mums decline isnt anything to do with you @Sarasa . It is an unfortunate fact of dementia that there will be times of decline - some of them steep. I hope the dancing goes well - it sounds like it could be a load of fun.

Im so sorry to hear about your brother
xx
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,503
Mum has now been in her care home for five months. Last week was the first time since her first week there when I didn't visit at least twice, for the lovely reason I was on holiday with my husband and son.
The three visits the week before I went away had gone well, and I was really pleased that she didn't seem to notice that I hadn't been in for ten days. Her ability to follow a conversation has declined noticeably, I just had to jump in and make what I thought were appropriate comments. She also asked me how my sister was, I don't have one, so not sure if she meant my brother or if she was thinking of her own (long dead) one.
Mum is still sitting by the fire escape door considering ways of escaping, but didn't get upset when I left. In fact she was very happy as we'd just watched a bit of Singing in the Rain and she was making a valiant attempt at being Donald O'Connor dancing to Make 'Em Laugh. She certainly cracked up one of the wheelchair bound residents with her antics.
Long may she continue to be cheerful.
 

Bedllington

Registered User
Jul 22, 2018
17
My lovely mum is going to move into care very soon
My mum sounds very similar to yours @Sarasa . And i have been an emotional wreck knowing that she will be going into care, even though it is a brand new home and is like a 5 star hotel. I feel guilty, sad, and at a total loss that it has to be done for mums best interests. Mum is, and always has been very opinionated, and argumentative.... so i will be very surprised if she foesnt kick off, and expect her to continue to so. She has taken quite a sudden downturn in the past two weeks (im taking a urine sample to drs tomorrow-although i have to have an appointment to get her urine check... ridiculous) but anyway, ive got an appointment, and im going to ask for something to help mums agitation... fingers crossed the dr will be prepared to do this. Everythings a battle, from all angles. Mum, plus hisband with MS. really cant take much more, and the stress of anticipating mum going into care is more than i can bare
 
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Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,503
Well today was a very mixed bag of a visit. The good bits were the two of us taking part in a dance rehearsal. Some of the residents are going to be dancing (well armogrophying (sp?)) at an event in our local Shopping Centre in ten days time. Mum is really enjoying it and was saying things like 'we need to rehearse every day' that seemed pretty sensible. I'm joining in as they weren't sure about her going anywhere without someone to keep a close eye on her. As I love dancing and don't care about making a spectacle of myself I'm happy to do it, and it should be fun. She'd also managed to mislay her coat and handbag, but didn't seem too bothered about that at first, which may be the result of the lorazepam. It meant she actually looked like she belonged rather than just visiting which was nice.
There were two 'bad' bits. Firstly the manager called me to the office when I arrived to let me know there had been some problems with mum and some of the male residents on her floor. I'm not sure if it's quite got to full-blown sex, but mum seems to be doing some very serious flirting to say the least, and there has been a complaint from the partner of one of the men. They are thinking of moving mum to a different floor. In a way I think that might be good thing. Mum's capability has declined so much since she moved in that she may well think she is somewhere else and feel better settled than in the place that she thinks is keeping her prisoner.
The second thing is that she thought I was her sister. I look nothing like her long-dead sister, and although she's often asked me how my mum is, until now she has at least said I'm her daughter. It might be because a lot of the staff call us sisters as we do look alike, or maybe she just can't put the right name to our relationship anymore.
She also got very confused when I was off home. but I managed to get away. I'm due back to help out with a poetry session tomorrow, so I'll see how she is then. At least we can practice our arm moves!
 
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Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,240
My mother thought I was her mother when I visited a couple of months ago - I do look like my gran when she was my age - but then more recently she thought I was her sister. She didn't have any siblings so no idea where that came from.

It crossed my mind that my mother might do some 'serious flirting' with male residents but that hasn't happened yet, but there are only a few male residents and almost all of them are pretty late stage so I don't think they'd notice! I hope moving your mother to a different floor works out.
 

Feistywoman

Registered User
Aug 11, 2018
108
Funny, my Mum thought I was her sister in law today: as my Aunt is 82 I’ve obviously had a hard paper round! She also thinks that my Dad a still alive and today was going on about being used as a ‘vessel for transport’. I never thought I’d get to this stage but I just go along with everything:
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,428
Yorkshire
My mum sometimes calls me mam, its mainly at night when she wakes up, she does get scared and seem quite child like when shes confused at night. Before bed she often thinks her mum is staying with her. Including just now while getting ready for bed she came back in room and asked me where her mam is.
She got up on sunday during the night to ask her mum (me) if her brother had to go to hospital. It was actually her going to memory clinic. Maybe because I help her do things round house, take her where needs go, give her tablets etc, and look after her she feels like I'm her mum, I'm not sure.
She also often mixes me up with my sister too or thinks I'm the 'other' one rather than me.
On and off for most of today she has not recognised me as Andrea. Its an odd feeling isn't it.
Hope tomorrows poetry session goes well and your armdancing goes well x
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
362
The second thing is that she thought I was her sister. I look nothing like her long-dead sister, and although she's often asked me how my mum is, until now she has at least said I'm her daughter. It might be because a lot of the staff call us sisters as we do look alike, or maybe she just can't put the right name to our relationship anymore.
My dad called me his sister last time I spoke to him. Obviously it felt a bit odd: it was like he knew who I was as an individual, but maybe lost the word for daughter? He did get on that well with his own sister, who is dead to the rest of the world but apparently alive and living in Australia according to correspondence I found in Dad's paperwork. My brothers, both being boys, have been mixed up all the time, not only names but who they are and where they live and what they do, but me, as the only daughter, and now sister, enjoy a special role. I was terrified I might be mistaken for my mum, who is 26 years younger than him and I look very much like now. I mean, give it time (yikes!).

I was expecting dad to be a terrible flirt with all the ladies in the home, he loves women and I had to come to terms with my dad's eye for an attractive woman a long time ago. However to my surprise he's quite terrified of these older women - he likes younger women and I've realised the care home ladies are probably safe from him. I do fear slightly for the carers, but he's decided he doesn't trust most of them. He really does think he's Leslie Philips though... fortunately so far most of the carers are referred to as 'waitresses' (he's living at Fawlty Towers). I just hope my in-laws don't have to see him any time soon as he really likes my mum in law and I'm not sure how much filter he has these days!
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,240
However to my surprise he's quite terrified of these older women - he likes younger women and I've realised the care home ladies are probably safe from him.
That's interesting, I hadn't thought of that - my mother probably thinks the male residents are far too old for her! She does bat her eyes at the man who comes to do Music for Health who's in his 50s.
Hope your MIL doesn't go visiting any time soon!
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,503
Yep my mum thinks most men her age are far too old, which is why she fell in love with a tour rep in his thirties six years ago, fortunately I haven't heard much about him lately, she built up a someone being kind to her into the most romantic story every!
As for the calling me her sister, she did it again today and it all seems to be part and parcel of her decline. Before she went into the home she knew her parents and my dad were dead, the first thing she told the carers was she needed to leave to make sure her parents were OK. Now she talks about how they are all the time, and she seems to think my dad's gone off with another woman.
Mum has been moved to a new floor. The room is very similar to the old one, but seems slightly darker which may not be good for mum, but I'll hold back judgement on that for a while. Her coats and handbag seem to have gone missing too, but I've set several staff on trying to find them. The floor itself seems to be a good mix of residents, and I liked the senior carer I met. He might be good for mum as she does respond better to men, as long as she doesn't try her wiles on him.
She was very upset when I went, not helped by the carer I tried to get to help being a bit useless. I hope he manged better after I'd disappeared. I need to get better at fading into the background. The poetry session was fun though.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,240
I hope the new room works out for your mother. My mother moved rooms as she needed level access after she fell and broke her hip. It didn't seem to bother her, but it probably helped that it was a nicer room - a bit bigger, and brighter.

I'm sure her coat and handbag will turn up. I sometimes notice things missing from my mother's room but they usually things she has stolen! :D

I never 'leave' the CH, I do as you say 'fade into the background'. Going to the loo is a good excuse.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,503
Update a couple of weeks after mum's move to a different floor. It seems to be going well, the floor seems to have a mix of residents that are a better fit with mum, and she seems a bit more settled. There have still been a couple of hiccoughs, but on the whole it's good.
The dance display was great, mum and I had a whale of a time and she lapped up all the praise for her dancing.
As I've mentioned elsewhere we have another DoLS meeting on Monday, but I can't imagine they'd find she has capacity, or at least the capacity to make informed decisions about where she lives.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,240
That all sounds very positive - good news that the CH was proactive in sorting things out satisfactorily, and your mother is able to enjoy some of the activities.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,416
Bedford
Also glad to hear that your Mum’s move upstairs has been generally positive. I hope the missing items have reappeared. Dance display sounds like it was fun too and good for your Mum.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,503
As I mentioned elsewhere the DoLS meeting went well in that it confirmed that mum hasn't got capacity. It was a shock to see how little mum seems to understand now and how little she remembers.
My husband and I went to see her yesterday. We intended to take her to the nice restaurant round the corner from the home but when we got there they've stopped opening during the day. That is a pain as the staff were lovely and happy for us to sit there with a glass of wine or a cup of coffee if we didn't want any food. There is nowhere else within easy walking distance, so I guess we're limited to the onsite coffee bar unless I brave the bus with mum or hire a car for an hour or two.
Mum was very confused and vague, she was walking round in odd shoes and had refused carers help to change them. My husband sorted that one out for her and I flagged up the need to try and get her to change more often. It's tricky as she is still determined to be as independent as she can be, and I know how nasty she can get if you try to persuade her to do things she doesn't want to. I'm also concerned that some of her clothes have gone missing, so I'm going to meet with the manager after Christmas and see if there are any solutions.
It was very difficult to try and have a conversation with her. Her memory is very poor. I tried talking about the election. Mum was a political activist, and even six months ago came alive when discussing politics. It was obvious she hadn't a clue. However she is still clinging to some things. While I was making us all a drink she told my husband that she was going to come home with us but he didn't need to tell me that's what she was doing!
We left her in an activity, went up to her room to set up some cards she's received, but when we got down to the lobby we could see her walking around. We sneaked out hoping she hadn't spotted us, which made me feel guilty, but I couldn't face being shouted at.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,416
Bedford
@Sarasa what a shame about the little restaurant. If your Mum’s memory has declined further will it make a lot of difference to your Mum going out to an outside cafe, although the wine would be missing (apologies I ask out of ignorance)
I find it hard each time you notice a significant change in a PWD especially when it is so noticeable - as you mention your Mum’s previous enthusiasm for politics gone. I feel for you.
I don’t think you need to retain the guilt about ‘sneaking out’, far better than an argument. Hopefully she went back to her activity and forgot that she was going home with you.
I think if you and the Care Home Manager can solve the issue of ‘disappearing’ clothes in all care homes then you will be very popular based on posts on here. Seriously though I hope you find a solution.
 
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