Guilt when disposing of flat contents when Mum in care home

[Angel55]

I know the feeling I had to clear my mum's house when she went into a care home two years ago it's heartbreaking especially when you have to do it alone (sister didn't help) also the hardest bit for me was having to sell her home of fifty seven years to pay for the home which I think is so wrong !!!

💗 I know how you feel. Our family home is on the market. It looks sad, pretty much how we all feel about the situation x

 

[Carer23]

What happens when other family members sell the contents and dispose of them ?

 

[nic001]

Mum's now mid to late AZ and in a care home for the last 2 years (her own expense). She's doing things she never would have done if left in her flat even with carers and our help. She loved swimming as a young girl and now she goes swimming every week, is part of a walking club, does activities every day is part of a knitting club, and although she does have those moments when seeing me and says "Take me home with you" ... I know she is well cared for and has the 24/7 care I tried, but failed to provide after she kept falling at home and went walkabouts without knowing where she was.
I'm now having to sell her flat but also the contents of her flat.
It's the contents I'm struggling with as she's still alive, and she down-sized several times and before the dementia took hold and carefully wrapped and itemized everything that she wanted to take to her "new" home that never happened because of the dementia.
Because I'm LPA and need to clear her flat so it can be sold to fund her care home fees, I have to itemize everything, put it on an inventory, try and assess value.
As part of that process I have to unwrap everything Mum did, and she put labels on most items (although the labels were wrong).
Has anyone else gone through this and felt really guilty that they are trying to itemize things into what can be given to charity, auction, recycle?
Mum is still living, and it breaks my heart when I unwrap things that she wrapped so carefully over 8 years ago and labelled with things like "Mum's special plate". And I'm going to potentially put it to auction as I live in a 2 bed house and don't have the means to store and take care of such items. As I wrap them back up, I do question myself and think sometimes that maybe Mum might be back to how she was and be annoyed I've got rid of her things albeit to a good place.
Is there anyone else out there that's experienced this? I know Mum won't ever be back to how she was, she probably will never remember any of the things I'm about to sell or give away, but there's a part of me that says "what if she suddenly did remember everything, became her previous self?".
It feels so wrong doing this as this is the sort of thing you would do for someone after they had died but Mum is still living and it almost feels like I'm breaking some kind of religious rule.
I know that I need to get the most money I can to ensure she can stay in her care home but I feel so guilty and emotionally struggle to get my head around this.
These are items that she cared for in her life and loved. But I can't keep them because I don't have a place for them as she had a big house and I have a 2 bed house but I feel so guilty when I see the words "Mum's special ...". and it meant so much to her, has no real financial value but obvious was meaningful to her.
It's harder than I thought getting rid of contents for Mum when she's still alive.
Anyone else experienced this?

Yes I think it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and my mum and dads house was full of 43 years of stuff, of course some sentimental items, childhood memories but also lots of cardboard boxes and general rubbish. It felt so wrong to have to throw away, give to the charity shop and generally filter - 43 years of their belongings. When dad died mum left everything exactly as it was so dads belongwings and garage needed sorting too. As you say it’s so strange doing it when the PWD is still alive and they know nothing of it. However it has to be done and I felt like if anyone had to do it my mum would have preferred it be me so I tried to do a good job of it, three skips later and about three weeks of going round every day and it got done. An exhausting step on this cruel journey of having a loved one with dementia who needs the support of a care home. Take care xx

 

[NVgal]

You poor thing its so sad especially as she had labelled things so carefully. I've had to do this twice before once for my father-in-law and once for my mum. I am completely unable to tackle this for my husband who is in a nursing home so have his music room with £2000 of equipment that he couldn't play so part of this should come under obsessions.
When you think you must hold onto things for them they just end up in a loft to be cleared out later. I think giving them a new lease of life is better and it sounds like you have found her a wonderful place.
I stood one day and took an hour to decide whether to throw away my Mum's string tin

Oh goodness, I am going through this very thing. Your final sentence "I stood one day and took an hour to decide whether to throw away my Mum's string tin" hit so many chords, brought tears to my eyes.
As I'm having to sell mum's house ( the inheritance she was so desperately wanting to pass on to her children) to pay for her care, I'm having to make those terrible decisions about which pile everything goes in - dump, charity, sell. To do this while she is still alive and sometimes able to recall various items is sooo hard. I've decided to introduce a few things I believe might still be precious to her one by one on each visit, see what the reaction is.
Deciding on exactly what these items are is very hard. Wishing everyone on here who's going through this, the strength to do so and the knowledge that we're just trying to do the very best we can ......

 

[Cardinal]

I cleared out my mom’s home around 20 years ago. My mom also had notes on some items. I didn’t have room to keep most things. The one regret I have is I wish I would have taken photos of some of the items with their notes. It would be nice to now be able to look at my mom’s handwriting on the note next to the item that was special to her.

 

[Kevinl]

I told my neighbour I was struggling to do it she her and her sister in law are coming round to help, probably wont be the best day of my life but they said they'd get it sorted.
Anything they deem suitable will go to the local AZ society shop, the rest they'll...get rid of, won't be the best day my life but it has to be done, time to move on, literally.
The estate comes to take the pictures on Tuesday after the new windows go in on Monday, only the bay window and porch, be finished by dinnertime (that's lunchtime up north) time to start looking for a new home for clothes, trinkets and me, not looking forward to it. K

 

[doingmybest1]

Hello you lovely, amazing group of people!!!
I'm sorry not to post back sooner. Thank you so much to you all for your support and making me realise it's not just me that's going through this and that it is truly an emotional roller-coaster because of all the memories items and homes evoke. My heart goes out to you all, your stories brought me to tears, particularly Jack and those morning cups going from two to one.
I've put my big girl pants on (as suggested ), and inventoried everything, taken photos, researched online and discovered my lovely Mum has some lovely china items that are worth going to auction. As suggested, I found it comforting to look at this process as passing on items to be loved and appreciated by others who can now care for them and get pleasure from owning such items.
Inspired by the ties being given to a college, I've given all the 1960's handbags to a second-hand shop set-up by a group of textile students focusing on 1960's items for resale.
For me it was the guilt tied-up with doing this that floored me, and as many of you suggested, I was also expecting Mum to turn-up any moment and say "What are you doing with my things?" even though she was tucked-up and well cared for in her care home and has long since lost an attachment to where she used to live, never mind items she used to own and carefully treasured. My Mum does still know the "family" house where we grew-up as children but she and Dad sold 30 plus years ago and when we drive passed she always says cheerfully "I used to live there ...!". She says it, not with regret, but just very matter of fact as if pointing it out to someone new who never knew she lived there. And then that moment is gone. Meanwhile my brain, whilst driving the car, is remembering the kitchen and Mum teaching me to bake cakes, doing the Christmas cake, Christmas dinners for 20 plus family guests. In her head, that moment has gone and she's focusing on people she's sees from the car saying "I know him / her / them". She doesn't know them of course, but it's an interesting feature with Mum's flavour of AZ and I just go with it.
I've discovered something else that made selling her things, that initially totally floored me and that comes with middle stage Alzheimer's, there are momentary glimmers of their passed life and the sudden recognition that they know who you are that come to the forefront and you then wonder if the diagnosis is wrong and perhaps a momentary questioning yourself that putting your loved one in a care home was the wrong thing to do even though you know that they so need 24/7 care when suffering with AZ that you can't give them.
All your positive posts have also helped me with this too. I'm just looking at this as a lovely thing that happens just every once in a while where Mum's neurons momentarily connect, and my Mum remembers me and uses my name and it's something to treasure for that moment. Five minutes later she's back to calling me "Mum" and asking whilst we drive back to the care home "Where are we going Mum? Why are you taking me there?" and then when we get to the care home "I don't want to be here Mum, I want to go home with you!".
It's a horrible disease. For those supporting loved ones, it's hard to witness them going this. The only comfort I find is that Mum is having a ball in her care home, whilst it comes at a crazy financial cost to her as she's privately funding, and I wish the government would do something about this as care home fees for Alzheimer's patients (as normal care homes refuse to accept them) is bordering on absolutely extortionate, I know she's loved by the care team that support her many of whom are young and on a minimum wage.
Once again, my grateful thanks to all of you wonderful kind, caring, loving and thoughtful people for sharing your experiences with me and helping me get through this. I couldn't have got through this without you.
Thank you!

 

[Kevinl]

You're more than welcome and I'm sure than I speak from all who have replied. K

 

[chickenlady]

If there are favourite items of clothing you could make them into cushion covers etc. small familiar items could go to the home. Our Mums care home may even take her electric organ. Donate to nearest Age UK or Alzheimer's charity shop and the funds will benefit people like her. I even gave Mums massive stash of wool and needles to 3 different groups to make use of. Sadly none of us can leave this world with our possessions so don't feel guilty. Take a friend and plenty of tea and biscuits/ wine. I'm just framing some of my Mum's needlework.

 

[DaisyK4]

I am in a slightly different position. Mum has gone into care (93) The bungalow she has lived in since 1993 belonged to her brother who died 2 years ago. As an executor of his will I have to sell as she is in permanent care. Mum doesn't remember her brother has died (we tell her he is in Spain, with his friends (he used to go three times a year))
I have cleared two houses in two years. Beyond tired