Suppport for anger when caring

[blackbird123]

Hi,
Does anyone have any advice or pointers for support to deal with anger? My dad has had alzheimers for over 2 years now. He is towards top end of stage 6 and is frail (still walking), limited communication and lost capacity. He is now in a care home. Despite being in a care home, my mum is still so angry towards him. She experienced carer burnout and we reached crisis point in January with my dad no longer safe at home, he was leaving the house at night, eating inedible objects.. etc.
The stress was huge on my mum. We found a nice care home locally where he is settling quite well. However she remains so angry at him for things he cannot help. Its awful to see and I call her out on it regularly and she will make up excuses why she is like that saying she's had a difficult morning with him but it isn't the reason. The burnout doesn't seem to have disappeared and seems like her default state now towards him. She says she is sad and depressed but also says she needs no help (I suggested GP) as she is managing herself OK. She has regained more life back since he went into care but it hasn't really improved her handling of him when together. Examples are major impatience, shoving him, telling him off, pulling too hard when walking, snapping at him very quickly.

I really think she'd benefit from counselling to discuss her anger (and the sadness beneath it all) or maybe not visit my dad every day and have more breaks between visits. Her empathy is lower than you'd want it to be.

I am confident my mum is also autistic and do think this may be a contributing factor. She has ADHD so does have that feeling of always being in a hurry and my dad is never quick enough for her.

Today we argued publicly as she was just so dreadful to him in the park and around a visitor and my kids too. I just couldn't stay quiet any longer. She instantly welled up and gave me various excuses from the week before of things totally.unrelated to my dad.


Does this chime with anyone and any success stories on counselling helping with this type of thing?

Thanks for reading

 

[Sarasa]

Your mum has had a tough time looking after your dad, she probably hasn't told you all that went on before he went into care. I agree about encouraging her not to visit so often, it sounds pointless to visit only to be upset herself, you and your family and your dad.
I also think getting her to go to her GP would be a good idea. She may well be suffering from depression, or could even be in the early stages of dementia herself as empathy is often something that disappears early.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @blackbird123 . You say you are confident your mum has autism and what you’ve described does sound like what I’ve experienced from people with autistic burnout. If you can, as you said, avoid visiting your dad so often - or even at all for a couple of weeks. If not, perhaps shorter visits would be better.

Counselling might help but only if your mum finds the right counsellor. I think your mum really needs a complete break so she can concentrate on herself unfortunately a while.
Do you think she feels duty bound to visit your dad everyday?

 

[ChaceSoto]

Your mom might find it helpful to take a break from seeing your dad every day. Services like respite care or adult day care can give her a chance to rest and recharge.

 

[blackbird123]

Thanks for your reply. I do think she feels duty bound yes and she's promised him she will visit every day. He is always so relieved when she arrives. He's only been in care since mid Jan. I know the stress on her has been huge and expect it to take a good while to decompress now she's not caring 24/7. She feels guilty if she doesn't see him or take him out regularly but then when she does, it's pretty stressful and she's often very angry. I do think she will need to spread out her visits to trial giving herself more respite.

Hello @blackbird123 . You say you are confident your mum has autism and what you’ve described does sound like what I’ve experienced from people with autistic burnout. If you can, as you said, avoid visiting your dad so often - or even at all for a couple of weeks. If not, perhaps shorter visits would be better.

Counselling might help but only if your mum finds the right counsellor. I think your mum really needs a complete break so she can concentrate on herself unfortunately a while.
Do you think she feels duty bound to visit your dad everyday?

 

[PennieB.]

Hi,
Does anyone have any advice or pointers for support to deal with anger? My dad has had alzheimers for over 2 years now. He is towards top end of stage 6 and is frail (still walking), limited communication and lost capacity. He is now in a care home. Despite being in a care home, my mum is still so angry towards him. She experienced carer burnout and we reached crisis point in January with my dad no longer safe at home, he was leaving the house at night, eating inedible objects.. etc.
The stress was huge on my mum. We found a nice care home locally where he is settling quite well. However she remains so angry at him for things he cannot help. Its awful to see and I call her out on it regularly and she will make up excuses why she is like that saying she's had a difficult morning with him but it isn't the reason. The burnout doesn't seem to have disappeared and seems like her default state now towards him. She says she is sad and depressed but also says she needs no help (I suggested GP) as she is managing herself OK. She has regained more life back since he went into care but it hasn't really improved her handling of him when together. Examples are major impatience, shoving him, telling him off, pulling too hard when walking, snapping at him very quickly.

I really think she'd benefit from counselling to discuss her anger (and the sadness beneath it all) or maybe not visit my dad every day and have more breaks between visits. Her empathy is lower than you'd want it to be.

I am confident my mum is also autistic and do think this may be a contributing factor. She has ADHD so does have that feeling of always being in a hurry and my dad is never quick enough for her.

Today we argued publicly as she was just so dreadful to him in the park and around a visitor and my kids too. I just couldn't stay quiet any longer. She instantly welled up and gave me various excuses from the week before of things totally.unrelated to my dad.


Does this chime with anyone and any success stories on counselling helping with this type of thing?

Thanks for reading

Your mum is stressed, depressed and burnt out with the care. She needs love.
As a Psychologist I would stay don't put a label on this, its not another diagnosis.
Stress causes a natural fight flight or freeze reaction. Anger and irritability is just a few millimeters away when you're living with this level of stress on an ongoing basis.
I would suggest you sit down with her and have a cup of tea. You need to tell her you love her, tell her she has done an amazing job caring for your dad for so long, empathise with how hard this has been on her and how hard it is to see her husband unable to be the man he was, tell her it's OK for her to step back a bit now, he's safe and well cared for and it's OK for her to focus on herself just a little bit, she probably needs permission to do that and I'm guessing has forgotten how. Then discuss with her how best to look after herself now. Does she want to keep seeing him everyday? Could she reduce it? Does this make her feel too guilty?
If she's promised to visit every day, then I'd say she should do this but perhaps she can go for a short time. 15 minutes of half and hour. Perhaps work towards a routine that works, and then as she recovers she can change what she wants to do. Remember to spend some quality time being with your mum too.

 

[maisiecat]

I have been seeing a counsellor for some months now as I had really bad carer burnout. It has really helped me get things clearer in my head and to begin to move forward.
I think when you are caring for a long time you eventually just run on adrenaline and your rage is enormous.
Your Mum is frightened, lonely and grieving and now has to move forward without your Dad. Try and talk to her about how she sees her future and see if you can get her to talk about anything she would enjoy.
I visit my husband 5 days a week as I now realise I need a break too. Perhaps you could persuade her to let you do one day a week to begin with.
Good luck to you both. Its an incredible painful journey for everyone.