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advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
I don't know if this helps but someone I know whose husband had mental health problems with anger issues and alcoholism developed dementia and was put on mirtazapine which I think seemed to help or it might just have been his dementia progressing when he went on to a less difficult stage. I think the anti-depressant idea might help - it may be underneath he is depressed which expresses itself in temper and haranguing you.

I hope they can think of something that might make things better and calmer for you.
hes got BPSD im informed. the professionals have said that because he had an awful temper before, hitting and pushing me, then that will get worse as he advances. hes got COPD which is whats frustrating him and bringing him down because he cant go far without being breathless. he cant do what he wants because of it. thats why they gave him amitriptyline to calm him down . they are going to give him sertraline and if that interferes with his other tablets then they will look at mirtazapine.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
I started reading from Monday and I was so pleased for you that his trip to the Men shed went well and he enjoyed it and you got the well deserved break. I am sorry to hear that it has not been good since and you have ended up in tears again. Coping with your husband is hard enough without having to educate the professionals at the same time. I think maybe the sleep upstairs will have at least give you brain a bit of a break
thank you @Bikerbeth he made me cry twice and i ended up going upstairs. he said i wanted to get him out of the house. today, pain or not i was ready to go and not come back. with vascular dementia you get good and bad days but today was truly awful.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
Good morning @jennifer1967,

Any blood test today? Some respite I hope.

MaNaAk
morning @MaNaAk just gone for his blood test now he knows it was a fasting one. no respite for me today he will be about an hour tops. havent slept very well, stomach is churning. he told me he started on me all day yesterday because he was down and felt a burden so decided to take it out on me. i didnt eat yesterday because of it and felot sick when i went to bed. im not sure how much more i can cope with.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
I think you another assessment.

MaNaAk
when the lady came he did better with his memory test. she asked about respite and he said no and carers. whilst he has capacity to refuse, they wont do anything. he had 7 vials of blood taken out and hes back. he admitted how bad he was to me to my son. he knows.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
836
0
Lytham St Annes
@jennifer1967 I think you are a very caring and loyal person to continue to allow him to treat you so poorly, especially when you know it’s not caused by his illness.

I know I would not be so, and would be considering leaving...but I understand it’s easy for me to say that, but you and your health and well-being matter too you know!

Its now time for you to be honest and stand up for yourself, do not let him make all the decision....he is not the boss of your life.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
@jennifer1967 I think you are a very caring and loyal person to continue to allow him to treat you so poorly, especially when you know it’s not caused by his illness.

I know I would not be so, and would be considering leaving...but I understand it’s easy for me to say that, but you and your health and well-being matter too you know!

Its now time for you to be honest and stand up for yourself, do not let him make all the decision....he is not the boss of your life.
thank you @DianeW im slowly clearing the house to that end when my back allows. a lot of it is money as well as he claims for me and i would have to move house as well. im being more assertive and leaving the room. he needs to be cared for which im doing but i do have my eye on the end goal which is what im working towards. its better to plan than it is to go and have to come back. i have no where to go and very little income to provide for myself which is why i need to plan it out a bit.
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
3,665
0
Hi Jennifer So sorry to hear that things appear to be getting worse. How are you doing with setting up your own account? It will be essential if you are going to set up a life on your own. Thinking of you Susan
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,329
0
Essex
@jennifer1967 I think you are a very caring and loyal person to continue to allow him to treat you so poorly, especially when you know it’s not caused by his illness.

I know I would not be so, and would be considering leaving...but I understand it’s easy for me to say that, but you and your health and well-being matter too you know!

Its now time for you to be honest and stand up for yourself, do not let him make all the decision....he is not the boss of your life.
I agree with @DianeW although I know you are clearing now.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
Hi Jennifer So sorry to hear that things appear to be getting worse. How are you doing with setting up your own account? It will be essential if you are going to set up a life on your own. Thinking of you Susan
thank you @Susan11 i have more control because i have phone banking so know exactly what is happening. its a joint account and ive also got poa for finance as well. i couldnt get my own but at least ive got control and not asking him any more. when i set up on my own, i will be on a different benefit than his so he wont have any control over that. today, im so tired and mixed up that im trying to slow down my thoughts as at the moment im going 100 mph. where i have depression and anxiety, im trying to get back on an even keil to make the best decisions. im not so subservient any more.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
I agree with @DianeW although I know you are clearing now.

MaNaAk
im trying @MaNaAk. im combining housework and clearing but with my back, its taking time. if i had longer on my own, i could get more done. i have to be careful how enthusiastic i am. that got thrown in my face yesterday. ive got the steps now so can do more tomorrow. i couldnt reach what i wanted to before. bear with me and i will get it done.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
836
0
Lytham St Annes
@jennifer1967 yes I do understand it’s best to plan for these things if you can do so safely.

But please don’t think help is not out there for you, I know most local authorities and housing providers will have teams available to help and support people in your situation, as well as assist you in changing over and claiming any benefits in your own name.....don’t let fear of that keep you trapped.

You will not be just left......if you are willing to accept the help offered to you.

You are still a young person and deserve to live the life you choose for yourself.

I do understand your husband is ill and that is exasperating his abusive nature, but he has always been abusive and if the specialists are right it’s going to get worse.........so seriously think about yourself, because your care and support is enabling him to continue as he is, because he thinks you will take whatever he dishes out.......because you always have up to now X

Its sad for him, this disease is cruel, but your situation is very different to a partner caring for an ill spouse......this is about what treatment and abuse you are willing and able to accept from your partner.....you are needing to get away from the partner that treats you poorly.....not getting away from a partner who has dementia.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
@jennifer1967 yes I do understand it’s best to plan for these things if you can do so safely.

But please don’t think help is not out there for you, I know most local authorities and housing providers will have teams available to help and support people in your situation, as well as assist you in changing over and claiming any benefits in your own name.....don’t let fear of that keep you trapped.

You will not be just left......if you are willing to accept the help offered to you.

You are still a young person and deserve to live the life you choose for yourself.

I do understand your husband is ill and that is exasperating his abusive nature, but he has always been abusive and if the specialists are right it’s going to get worse.........so seriously think about yourself, because your care and support is enabling him to continue as he is, because he thinks you will take whatever he dishes out.......because you always have up to now X

Its sad for him, this disease is cruel, but your situation is very different to a partner caring for an ill spouse......this is about what treatment and abuse you are willing and able to accept from your partner.....you are needing to get away from the partner that treats you poorly.....not getting away from a partner who has dementia.
i understand that and yes i will be willing to accept the help. hes already been offered respite which he has refused and he has capacity. im in contact with domestic abuse organization and dementia navigator. over the last few months ive had to change my thinking into i dont have to put up with this. before im looking at what im doing to cause it. i was blaming myself. all my life ive had abusive relationships from parents to partners and its taken a while to click on that relationships shouldnt be like this. ive been with him 33 yrs so im a very scared. i have got this far only with the support of this forum.before i wouldnt have even told anyone, no i do.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,188
0
South coast
I think you have been incredibly brave telling us what has been going on @jennifer1967
I think we are all concerned for you because we know it will likely get worse. If you have someone who is already abusive and they then lose inhibitions and have trouble controlling their emotions, its really not a good combination. Please stay safe.
xxx
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
I think you have been incredibly brave telling us what has been going on @jennifer1967
I think we are all concerned for you because we know it will likely get worse. If you have someone who is already abusive and they then lose inhibitions and have trouble controlling their emotions, its really not a good combination. Please stay safe.
xxx
thank you @canary i know and im conscious of it. the consultant has said it will get worse with this BPSD which i had to get them to explain. the lady from OPMH didnt pick anything up i was talking about and my husband was incredibly honest about his behaviour. sledge hammer would have had more impact. she said he was suffering low mood and it was a domestic because we spend a lot of time together. its more than a domestic. low mood is because of his COPD and not being able to do things he wants to. i thank you all and im helping myself and keeping safe at the same time. its a balancing act between sorting things to move on and putting myself at risk.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
615
0
I've just been catching up on this and the MH person trying to teach someone with dementia mindfulness has absolutely blown my mind. What a terrifically stupid concept. Mindfulness has its place but this is not it.

Agree re anti-depressants. They will make a difference, but he's going to have a foul temper, like he's always had, and he's not going to get better, it will just get worse, as any thin veil or filter he had is eaten away.

I don't mean to sound bleak and you are an expert at surviving, I can tell, but I'd be seriously looking at women's refuge support and making a plan for how you can be financially protected and physically safe.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,425
0
Southampton
I've just been catching up on this and the MH person trying to teach someone with dementia mindfulness has absolutely blown my mind. What a terrifically stupid concept. Mindfulness has its place but this is not it.

Agree re anti-depressants. They will make a difference, but he's going to have a foul temper, like he's always had, and he's not going to get better, it will just get worse, as any thin veil or filter he had is eaten away.

I don't mean to sound bleak and you are an expert at surviving, I can tell, but I'd be seriously looking at women's refuge support and making a plan for how you can be financially protected and physically safe.
thank you @imthedaughter tell me about it, its taken me years and lots of practice to learn grounding and mindfulness. before he gets there, he has to recognize when he is losing it first. they think his low mood causes his "irritability" and if they bring his mood up, the problem would be solved. he was honest and said he had always been like it. she put it at domestic level and not abuse. im in contact with a domestic abuse organisation who have got in touch with her to give her the bigger picture as well as the dementia navigator who has been supporting me. because im housebound, support for this situation and outreach is very limited and it feels, because i have health and pain issues, im not worth supporting.my CBT therapy was basically stopped because it wasnt safe for me to do mindfulness and relaxation exercises.