advice please
- Thread starter jennifer1967
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- vascular dementia
You say "it feels, because I have health and pain issues, I'm not worth supporting". It is entirely the opposite - you need help more than anyone who is able-bodied.
It is good that you have realised that he has brainwashed you into thinking the abuse is all your fault when it is entirely his. If he could have been helped, it would have had to have been long ago - it is too late now. You have to get into the mindset of not thinking I'll give him one more chance - that could be disastrous.
I think the other posters are right - you need to start making urgent plans with the domestic abuse refuge about moving out as soon as you can. I am sure they will help you do this. I know it must be a frightening idea after being in this situation for so many years, but I am sure they have help to get you accommodation and sort out the financial side. At the same time they will be liaising with Social Services to get support for your husband. You will feel so much better when you are finally free of this awful situation. Please do something soon. We're all thinking of you and don't want anything to happen to you.
thank you @nita, what i meant was that i have had the abusive relationships from a child so get into a pattern of thinking they are normal. if you are brought up like that and from as long as i can remember as a child its been part of my life. thats why it has taken me a while to think i deserve better. im in contact with domestic abuse organization which is part of womans aid. i am determined which is why im clearing the house. because of the pain, it will take me a bit longer but im determined to get there. he thinks its good that im clearing the house but doesnt know the reason for it. im doing it slowly so its permanent when i move.
It doesn’t matter why he does what he does, whether it’s COPD or Dementia or Mental health. What matters is you, and you are being abused.
Reading your issues and what people have said to try to help, has helped me realize that I was a victim of domestic or I guess child physical abuse by my father (long gone). It has a very bad impact on your confidence for life and you end up with a warped sense of why things happen and who is to blame (not you but it feels that way). It has also impacted my mum, though he never hit her, he was very controlling and she has been very helpless and indecisive about everything all her life.
Reading your issues and what people have said to try to help, has helped me realize that I was a victim of domestic or I guess child physical abuse by my father (long gone). It has a very bad impact on your confidence for life and you end up with a warped sense of why things happen and who is to blame (not you but it feels that way). It has also impacted my mum, though he never hit her, he was very controlling and she has been very helpless and indecisive about everything all her life.
thank you @AwayWithTheFairies its taken me a while to work out it is abuse as it seems normal to me. im glad i have helped you as well. if i can help one person to change their thinking like you, then my posting about it has been worthwhile. if you need help, go and seek it out as i did quite a number of years ago.
hes gone off for a couple of hours, already getting sarky comments that he has to go. no he dont but its nice. i didnt sleep well last night and i was reading my book at 5am so really tired. already done all the housework so will tackling some more kitchen cupboards today. i just need to crack on and get it done. need to get birth and marriage certificate copies ordered and look to see how i can have a new N I card done. mines so tatty its in two bits and you cant read the number on it.
morning @MaNaAk i can do that this afternoon. if i sit down, i will fall asleep. thoughts were going around my head. ive got the radio on to keep going.
I hope you had a chance of a sit down this afternoon. You don’t get a NI card anymore it is a letter apparently. Do you actually need a physical copy or just need to know what it is. In fact I never ever got sent one.
www.gov.uk
Hopefully this link works and helps.
National Insurance: general enquiries
Contact HMRC for changes of details, rates, credits, Statutory Payments, online statements and for help with gaps in your National Insurance contributions
I think you just need to know what it is. The card was never anything like proof of identity or anything like that. Your national insurance number will be on any PIP correspondence from DWP.
thank you both, yes its on the PIP stuff. my daughter has a card like debit card with it printed. i have a paper one so really just thinking aloud. he went out this morning and i did 2 more cupboards so thats 6 cupboards done in kitchen, cleaned, contents sorted and washed. 1 more cupboard and top of cupboards to do. then onto next room. my problem is that i will get a 1 bedroom flat and im clearing a 3 bedroom house. he has been ok today. i had a lay down this afternoon. my back aches and hip and leg on right side. i will keep going, im determined to be ready when the time comes.
@jennifer1967 you are doing so well! It is a big job but taken in little bites is all you can do.
I think that you are being totally realistic because at some point one way or another you will be “free” and then able to live as you wish. Good luck with the clearing
I think that you are being totally realistic because at some point one way or another you will be “free” and then able to live as you wish. Good luck with the clearing
I had a yoga teacher who gave some solid advice about cleaning cupboards, sorting, decluttering.
When you don`t have the time or strength to clean the whole kitchen, clean one cupboard.
When you don`t have the time or strength to clean one cupboard, clean one shelf.
I`m in the process of decluttering and am cleaning a cupboard each day and getting rid of what has been unused for a while. I`ll take a chance on suddenly needing it next week.
I daren`t start on clothes yet. I have too many which are too small but I still have hope.
When you don`t have the time or strength to clean the whole kitchen, clean one cupboard.
When you don`t have the time or strength to clean one cupboard, clean one shelf.
I`m in the process of decluttering and am cleaning a cupboard each day and getting rid of what has been unused for a while. I`ll take a chance on suddenly needing it next week.
I daren`t start on clothes yet. I have too many which are too small but I still have hope.
We are emptying my late husband’s large sheds (triple garage) this summer. We got rid of quite a lot in the house this winter but still more to go. I have a largish house but it is full of “stuff” that needs to go so I can create some order. Just don’t get a lot of time to do it!
thankyou @Grannie G you have shared that with me before and it has stuck in my head. im achieving a lot by doing one cupboard at a time. i do one room until its finished and then go on to the next. living room, hallway drawers and under stairs are complete. my bedroom is the worst for stuff. im a bit of a hoarder with books, cushions, clothes still in bags with labels on.
thank you @Starting on a journey i had empty ice cream tubs which i wouldnt chuck away as it might "come in useful" and how many plastic jugs do i need. i think i threw out 4 and still left with 3. all the crockery i dont need, my son is having so its not wasted. im finding things i have been looking for for ages. im a bit stiff this morning but slept better.
thank you @Starting on a journey i had empty ice cream tubs which i wouldnt chuck away as it might "come in useful" and how many plastic jugs do i need. i think i threw out 4 and still left with 3. all the crockery i dont need, my son is having so its not wasted. im finding things i have been looking for for ages. im a bit stiff this morning but slept better.
Dear @jennifer1967,
I've managed to move from a three-bedroomed house to a one bedroom flat so it can be done but you have do a little bit in your own time. You are doing very well. Keep your goal in mind and keep it going.
MaNaAk
I've managed to move from a three-bedroomed house to a one bedroom flat so it can be done but you have do a little bit in your own time. You are doing very well. Keep your goal in mind and keep it going.
MaNaAk
thank you @MaNaAk you are quite the inspiration. ive learnt so much from you. you had it harder as you had the gremlins breathing down your neck. im doing 2 easier cupboards, cleaning and the pet cupboard. just needs organizing so that i dont have to pull everything out just to get to the one thing i need.
