Lying in bed, can’t sleep, who else would I turn to when I’m home alone!
It’s so odd having the house to myself. Apart from the obvious, such as discomfort, crutches, loneliness, and trying to beat activating the burglar alarms, I’m really no trouble! I’m tidying as I go, and apart from the inevitable dust (does anyone ever beat the dust) you wouldn’t know I was here!
But here is where it goes downhill. I miss him so much.... I feel so guilty about him not being here.... I can’t wait for him to come home, even knowing how very difficult it is going to be, and that nothing will have changed. It’s not like we needed a break to save our marriage, we needed the break so that I could start to recover. I’m doing that, but recovering would be easier if he was here like he was 5 years ago. Recovering with him as he is now, when he needs me more than I need him, that is the crux.
I can’t say he has settled easily into the care home. He does have his meals with the residents. The staff are fitting and changing his incontinence pads. Some do it better than others with the inevitable accidents when not done as per my notes. Being such a proud private man he is distressed when he and/or the bed are wet. I know he tries to please the staff, he hasn’t bothered socialising with the residents at all. He sees them as old people who are not well! I can’t argue that point, as he does seem and look younger, but whether he is as well as or more able than any of them..... I guess I don’t know them well enough to have an opinion.
So, he spends his time in his room. He phones me and I phone him at least 6 or 8 times. Is that a good or bad thing? I don’t know, but I know he feels less cut off and it helps me too. There is one odd thing.... recently he had lost the ability to send text messages, or to use his iPhone properly. Lots of things like that he struggled with, and gave up. He was certainly unable to text me when he first moved into the home. Not only has he worked out how to text me, but he’s worked out how to use emojis!!
One more week before he comes home. I know it isn’t going to be easy. I’ll still be on crutches for another 5 weeks. I know that he still has dementia, that it won’t have miraculously got better. I know that the dreaded aggression will rear it’s ugly head, and I will try not to but can’t help but react. Wish I didn’t, but I’ll never be a saint.
It helps me so much to be able to put my thoughts and feelings on this forum to people who understand how I feel. I wonder how I will feel when the time comes for another stay either temporary or permanent? If he stays as he is, which inevitably he won’t, but if he did then I doubt he would go into care as quietly as he did this time. But we all know that things change. Who knows how the short or long term future will pan out?
But for now, I just want him home, for my benefit as well I as his.
Love B xx