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Who has stolen my husband?

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Stupid thread, but I’m sitting here trying to be patient, looking at the man I’ve been with for nearly 50 years and wondering where he has gone?
When did all this really start?
Why him?
Why me?
What have we done to deserve this?
It’s breaking my heart?
I can’t believe that tomorrow could be worse than today.
That it can’t get easier than today, and today is so hard.
Life can be so cruel.
I am not sure who has him, but I want him back.
He’s mine....
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,793
Bristol
Sorry you're having such a hard time Sad Staffs, this is certainly not a stupid thread and patience is hard to find some days. I can only empathise and send a supportive message, what an awful disease that takes our loved ones piece by piece.
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
802
Kent
Our 47th anniversary was last week and I miss everything I used to take for granted:(.

It is indeed such a cruel condition.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,442
N Ireland
I too agree with the sentiment of this thread.

My wife and I met in an academic setting when we were in our late 40's. In our late 50's our discussions when we walked revolved around the teachings of the great philosophers down the ages. Now in our early 60's I have many poignant moments when I observe the look of puzzlement on her face as she tries to figure out how to use something as simple as a kitchen timer.

At times I find it hard to cope/deal with the decline. The thing that helps me is that my wife is still the same lovely person most of the time. Her abilities, rather than her personality, seem to be taking the main hit.
 

Manc70

Registered User
May 30, 2018
119
S. Yorkshire
Hi B, Not stupid at all. Spot on and as if you wrote every line about how I feel, thank you. After a fairly (in our life) calm period I’ve been struggling for a few days with a total lack of patience and feeling irritable, angry and hopeless which in turn makes my other half worse - maybe to get my attention back on him. Then today I’m back to being beyond sad and upset, he is just frightened and frustrated and wants to be ‘the man he was’. Oh how I miss him too. I don’t need much, I want him to go fill the car up, buy a few bits of shopping and come home and say he’ll make the dinner tonight before we get ready and go to the cinema/theatre/pub, actually making just one decision would do.
I’m thinking about you and sending love and a hug S xx
 

Unhappy15

Registered User
Feb 7, 2015
144
Stupid thread, but I’m sitting here trying to be patient, looking at the man I’ve been with for nearly 50 years and wondering where he has gone?
When did all this really start?
Why him?
Why me?
What have we done to deserve this?
It’s breaking my heart?
I can’t believe that tomorrow could be worse than today.
That it can’t get easier than today, and today is so hard.
Life can be so cruel.
I am not sure who has him, but I want him back.
He’s mine....
Dear Sad Staffs,
I have just read your post and the tears are streaming. I think we all can all identify with everything you have said.
My husband has had dementia for about seven years and in care for three years but every day I just want to walk into the CH and see the man I knew. Some days there is just the vacant look but other days, like today ,the smile and spark of him was there and it makes this loneliness almost unbearable.
Like you I ask why us?
I hate being on my own and I just want my husband back, but accepting it is not going to happen is hardest thing..
Sad Staffs you are not alone and at least there is TP where we all understand the sadness that comes with this awful illness.
Take care
Kathy X
 

Linda G

Registered User
Oct 23, 2017
56
Hi Sad Staffs. Understand every word you say. I was today going to post my feelings which echo yours. I have been feeling so helpless and depressed for the last couple of days and wondering what is wrong with me. Reading your sadness makes me realise that it is not just me but so many other poor people going through the same thing. It certainly is so hard to see the person you love deteriorating to someone you no longer know and on many occasions, don’t actually like. What an awful cruel disease this is. I send a big hug to you and all the wonderful people who are caring for these special people. X
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Hi B, Not stupid at all. Spot on and as if you wrote every line about how I feel, thank you. After a fairly (in our life) calm period I’ve been struggling for a few days with a total lack of patience and feeling irritable, angry and hopeless which in turn makes my other half worse - maybe to get my attention back on him. Then today I’m back to being beyond sad and upset, he is just frightened and frustrated and wants to be ‘the man he was’. Oh how I miss him too. I don’t need much, I want him to go fill the car up, buy a few bits of shopping and come home and say he’ll make the dinner tonight before we get ready and go to the cinema/theatre/pub, actually making just one decision would do.
I’m thinking about you and sending love and a hug S xx
Hi S, thank you for your post. We are in the same boat aren’t we? And isn’t it tough. I’m sorry you are finding it particularly difficult at the moment. It’s like a roller coaster, but we can’t ever get off. I know what you mean about your husband doing just something that he used to, without being asked, reminded, pushed even. I’m doing all the tasks that used to be shared. And it’s the feeling of being unloved and uncared for that I find so hard.
Not sure what I would do without you to talk to. Yes, I could talk to professionals, but it isn’t the same. Then I have a few friends and very little family, but I will not ask for help as they have their own lives. In any case, they see him when he is all sweetness and light... they think he is fine. They don’t see him screaming and shouting when he bears no resemblance to the man I love. Take care... and, please keep in touch with me...
love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Thank you @karaokePete ... I’m so used to getting advice and guidance from you, I forget that you do this because you understand from experience what I’m going through. Thank you for always being there..
Hi @Unhappy15 ... Some posts really hit the spot and we relate to them. I don’t really know how long my husband has had dementia, probably quite a lot longer before he went through assessment and diagnosis. I lie in bed trying to work it out, and I remember saying I think there is something wrong with you when he had a screaming aggressive session, but I put it down to age! But I’m terrified of what is to come. Of going through what you have done and where it is so bad that he will need to go into care. I know that time will come, I hope I will be as brave as you... thank you for your lovely words and support, take care, love B xx
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,404
South of the Border
Stupid thread, but I’m sitting here trying to be patient, looking at the man I’ve been with for nearly 50 years and wondering where he has gone?
When did all this really start?
Why him?
Why me?
What have we done to deserve this?
It’s breaking my heart?
I can’t believe that tomorrow could be worse than today.
That it can’t get easier than today, and today is so hard.
Life can be so cruel.
I am not sure who has him, but I want him back.
He’s mine....

He is mine, but I don't want him,
He is mine, but I don't need him
He is mine, but I don't like him

He is mine, I cannot love him
He is mine, I cannot see him
He is mine, I cannot help him

He is mine, I weep for him
He is mine, I yearn for him
He is mine, I despair for him

He is mine, my love is for him
He is mine, my heart is for him
He is mine, my sadness is for him

I am his, but he doesn't want me
I am his, and he really needs me
I am his, but he doesn't like me

et cetera et cetera et cetera
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,807
Oh, how I feel for you all, some months ago we were with other people, the love of my life winked at me.
A spark from the past that seared my heart.
It has not happened since.
Sometime it almost seems we are in a play, in unfamiliar dress and doing unfamiliar things.
It seems unreal, once we shared decisions, tussled out problems and found a solution.
Now I am doing it for two, I have become quite defensive yet have to be open to get the helps
he needs.
Just trying to stay in the moment, not looking forward or back too much. This is our life.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Hi Sad Staffs. Understand every word you say. I was today going to post my feelings which echo yours. I have been feeling so helpless and depressed for the last couple of days and wondering what is wrong with me. Reading your sadness makes me realise that it is not just me but so many other poor people going through the same thing. It certainly is so hard to see the person you love deteriorating to someone you no longer know and on many occasions, don’t actually like. What an awful cruel disease this is. I send a big hug to you and all the wonderful people who are caring for these special people. X
Hi @Linda G
Gosh, I know just how you feel. Having friends on TP who understand how I feel is so precious and important. When I joined TP I thought it was just something that was there, not really for me...
but it has become so important, essential reading, gives me the opportunity to vent my emotions, sadness, anger, bitterness, and hopelessness.
I will never understand why this has happened to us, never forgive, I want him back, the big strong character that he was such a short time ago.
It isn’t fair is it.
Thank you for your post, take care and please keep in touch, B xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,183
South coast
Oh, I can relate to this - i actually wrote a few months ago "the fairies have stolen my OH away and left this changeling in his place"

In my case its his personality and behaviour that has taken the hit and although he is still at home, still talking and walking around I feel I no longer know him (and he certainly doesnt know me at all). I dont care that he can no longer check the car, fix a light or grow runner beans, but oh how I would like him see that I am tired or upset, or reassure me that I am making the right decisions - instead he just fights me all the way and accuses me of taking him over and trying to coerce him
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Oh, I can relate to this - i actually wrote a few months ago "the fairies have stolen my OH away and left this changeling in his place"

In my case its his personality and behaviour that has taken the hit and although he is still at home, still talking and walking around I feel I no longer know him (and he certainly doesnt know me at all). I dont care that he can no longer check the car, fix a light or grow runner beans, but oh how I would like him see that I am tired or upset, or reassure me that I am making the right decisions - instead he just fights me all the way and accuses me of taking him over and trying to coerce him
Dear @canary I also relate to your post, especially the bit about fighting you and accusing you of taking him over.
I’ve always been capable but now I’m learning skills I don’t want. I don’t mind, I just want someone to tell me I’m doing it right, and to say well done. I wish I didn’t have to worry about him and everything else in our life.
He can’t use his computer, and he was the computer geek of the two of us. Trouble is he gets angry that I’m watching him making sure he doesn’t buy something or open something he shouldn’t.
Do you ever stop worrying! I lie in bed and think ‘what sort of life is this, and it will get worse’. Then I have a good cry, get cross with myself, and think just get on with it, what is the alternative?
Thank you for your post, love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Oh, how I feel for you all, some months ago we were with other people, the love of my life winked at me.
A spark from the past that seared my heart.
It has not happened since.
Sometime it almost seems we are in a play, in unfamiliar dress and doing unfamiliar things.
It seems unreal, once we shared decisions, tussled out problems and found a solution.
Now I am doing it for two, I have become quite defensive yet have to be open to get the helps
he needs.
Just trying to stay in the moment, not looking forward or back too much. This is our life.
Oh @AliceA ... to get that wink of an eye, that must have been a lovely surprise. So special.
All of the rest of your post I can relate to.
It’s such a lonely existence isn’t it?
We are living a life we don’t want, but what is the alternative?
I feel lost and lonely. I dread the future, and then think, what future?
Take care Alice, love B xx
 

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
nottingham
He is mine, but I don't want him,
He is mine, but I don't need him
He is mine, but I don't like him

He is mine, I cannot love him
He is mine, I cannot see him
He is mine, I cannot help him

He is mine, I weep for him
He is mine, I yearn for him
He is mine, I despair for him

He is mine, my love is for him
He is mine, my heart is for him
He is mine, my sadness is for him

I am his, but he doesn't want me
I am his, and he really needs me
I am his, but he doesn't like me

et cetera et cetera et cetera
How I can relate to all of that. Feeling so so sad right now, no words can really express the void. Where do I go from here ? Its such an impossible situation with a grim outlook, sorry to be negative but the truth is its a really awful journey for both the alzheimers victim and their carer. I will never ever forget this feeling of hopelessness.
I hope in the fututure should I develop Alzheimers ther would be a 'get out' option available.
 

Janie M

Registered User
Jun 12, 2018
69
Think we all relate to these posts. I feel robbed of what should be “golden years “. 2 weeks ago I had to leave my job to stay at home with hubby, it was getting to the point of him wandering and getting lost, not eating. Thought it might help but now I see the confusion, mood swings, temper 24/7 and weep IF I get 5 minutes on my own. But then , just carry on. It’s so so isolating, hard for him to get motivated and then trying to keep him calm with a routine. TP keeps me sane to see I’m not the only one, but who really wants to be a member of this club....
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Think we all relate to these posts. I feel robbed of what should be “golden years “. 2 weeks ago I had to leave my job to stay at home with hubby, it was getting to the point of him wandering and getting lost, not eating. Thought it might help but now I see the confusion, mood swings, temper 24/7 and weep IF I get 5 minutes on my own. But then , just carry on. It’s so so isolating, hard for him to get motivated and then trying to keep him calm with a routine. TP keeps me sane to see I’m not the only one, but who really wants to be a member of this club....
@Janie M ... I think we must have joined TP around the same time.
I’m really sorry you have had to give up work. Having your work was an outlet. I can’t leave my husband for more than 2 hours. If he hasn’t got an infection he is calmer and less confused, but he gets a UTI around every 4 or 6 weeks. He has bladder cancer, stents in his kidneys and he is incontinent, so it’s no surprise he gets so many infections. When he has got an infection he gets very aggressive. I hate this because I struggle not to react, defend myself verbally. I find it hard to walk away. I spend my nights crying myself to sleep. I get angry with myself as I feel pathetic.
I understand how isolating it all is.
How I would love to have a couple of hours a day for me.
Take care, keep in touch and take care of yourself. Love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,807
He is mine, but I don't want him,
He is mine, but I don't need him
He is mine, but I don't like him

He is mine, I cannot love him
He is mine, I cannot see him
He is mine, I cannot help him

He is mine, I weep for him
He is mine, I yearn for him
He is mine, I despair for him

He is mine, my love is for him
He is mine, my heart is for him
He is mine, my sadness is for him

I am his, but he doesn't want me
I am his, and he really needs me
I am his, but he doesn't like me

et cetera et cetera et cetera
Oh @AliceA ... to get that wink of an eye, that must have been a lovely surprise. So special.
All of the rest of your post I can relate to.
It’s such a lonely existence isn’t it?
We are living a life we don’t want, but what is the alternative?
I feel lost and lonely. I dread the future, and then think, what future?
Take care Alice, love B xx
Dearest B, it is a lonely place. People seem to think it is catching! Try and sleep and have good dreams. love Alice. X