Who has stolen my husband?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Sad Staffs, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Well, I think there must be lots of you floating round today as I’ve just changed the bed.
    But Alice, thank you so much, it is a really lovely thought and I know you will be with me.
    I look forward to talking to you very soon.
    Thank you for all your warm, wise and comforting words.
    Love B xx
     
  2. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Hi L, thank you for your message, and I look forward to keeping in touch by text. I hope you are ok?
    I’m hoping I will be surprised by his acceptance of the care home, and will surprise me by being sociable! That sounds awful, but he has never been known for being the most sociable person in the family!
    I’m a real ninny! Sleeping on my own I get frightened. Alarms on, OCD with doors etc. I leave lights on everywhere. No wonder I struggle sleeping! Where we live is very high up, we have brilliant views but the downside is the wind, and you’ve guessed... I’m frightened of the wind! So it will be ear plugs, tramadol, hot water bottle, alarms, sleepy socks and lights! My husband has always said I should grow up, but I’m not going to change now! Thank goodness it isn’t spider season.... fingers crossed!!
    Look forward to being in touch by text soon.
    Thinking about you and hoping all going ok with you?
    With love, B xx
     
  3. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    That is so lovely of you, thank you.
    I feel I have made some lovely friends on here. We may never meet, but it is so touching that people on here really care for each other.
    With love, B xx
     
  4. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you S for your lovely caring post. I’m really touched that people care.
    You are right, I think he might like the extra attention. Well, we will soon find out!
    Once I have got him settled, then I can start to worry about myself. Haven’t had the time or inclination to do that yet, but not long now.
    I hope to speak to you again soon, take care, with love B xx
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,786
    Female
    South coast
    Hi Staffs, I havent been on for several days as OH has had a week of appointments, but hes having an afternoon nap now, so I thought Id pop in to wish you luck with tomorrow and for your op.
    xx
     
  6. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    I hope all of your appointments worked out and have been useful/helpful for your husband?

    I put the tv on during the day as I know he will doze off and I get a bit of peace! I want a £5 note for every time he says ‘can I talk to you’. I’d have a nice little nest egg! Trouble is, when I say yes, he’s forgotten what he wants to say!

    I love him today, wish he was like it every day, he is so calm, quiet, smiling, caring.... he’s my husband! It’s days like today I wonder what is going on, how bad is his dementia, does he really need to go into respite next week. Then I just took him to change his pad and he forgets he has to pull his pants down!

    Oh well.... keeps me on my toes! Or it would if I wasn’t in so much pain!
    Thank you for your kind words, it’s good to hear from you.
    Take care of yourself, Love B xx
     
  7. vernon

    vernon Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    14
    north west
     
  8. vernon

    vernon Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    14
    north west
    not sure what and where i should be typing this reply but i will progress....... loved your thoughts on easier looking after children than OH! shopping is the worst thing we do together, i feel he should be sitting in the trolley rather than breathing heavily over my shoulder telling me what to buy, usually because the package is brightly coloured! follows me everywhere and never sits down. cant use the tv remote, phone or ipad. so sad that i have had to give our young dog to my son for now, i miss her so much but he was always leaving the gate open or the back door and i was becoming neurotic about her being on the road.
    i feel so much better having read through many of your posts tonight in the knowledge that i am not alone in the decision making.
    hope all goes well Sad staffs.
     
  9. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,313
    Female
    Chester
    In case I don't get a chance to post I hope all goes well over the next few days. Well done for sorting out his stuff, but don't forget yours. Domestic nice magazines or books to read, music to listen to puzzle books etc.
     
  10. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you for your post.... we are all in this very big boat, trying to keep it from sinking, but it has a permanent leak.
    I can’t help but find it irritating the way he won’t leave me alone. Always checking where I am, what I am doing, even if I’m on the loo. I have to leave door open so he can see me. If I make a slight noise, he will shout are you alright. All the time!
    When I change his pads he complains forcefully about my face and head in his way, like I can take them off. His elbows and arms always smacking me by accident in my face, but he doesn’t know he’s doing that. At least I hope he doesn’t!
    It’s all so hard isn’t it?
    He’s panicking now that he can’t remember what he has to do when he gets out of bed. Will the staff in the care home look after him as I do? In truth that might be my fault as I do everything, tell him step by step what he and I do. He can’t remember that, but he can talk about things in the news, and they make sense!
    I’m so sorry about your dog. I can feel for you, she was uncomplicated love and loyalty.
    Please keep in touch and let me know how you are.
    I know these posts help me, I feel so many of you care.... we care about each other.
    Love B xx
     
  11. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Excellent thought...
    After I have dropped him at care home and got him settled tomorrow afternoon, I will go to Sainsbury’s and get magazines, puzzler, and some ready cook meals for one.
    In truth I think I will be bereft, he is so unhappy, worrying about everything, I could well make a spectacle of myself in tears. Hopefully I will hang on until I get home.
    I think he was crying in bed last night, and he was very upset and confused when I got up this morning.
    Is there ever going to be a happy carefree time again in our lives?
    Thank you for your kind words, I look forward to talking to you again,
    Love B xx
     
  12. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,313
    Female
    Chester
    Domestic should have read some! I was sat in a hotel toilet so I didn't disturb my sleeping son. Post a few G &Ts as well.

    It is a while since I was in hospital but I do remember when I had day procedures needing magazines to glance at to alleviate the boredom.

    I shop online from sainsburys and if you spend £40 some delivery slots are only a £1 if you are stuck in post op. Loo roll can be purchased to make it up to that.

    I shop online as juggling kids evening activities and work leaves little time.
     
  13. GinnyJan

    GinnyJan Registered User

    Jan 20, 2018
    48
    Just a quick line to wish you well tomorrow B. I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry. I'm sure your husband will relish the attention from all the nice nurses and they will cope admirably with any teething troubles.
    Take care of yourself and enjoy the break from routine. Get well quickly xx
     
  14. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you for thinking about me.
    It’s a bit tough so far today. Yesterday wes calm, quiet, and how I wished he and we were like that all the time.
    But he had a bad night. I think he was crying.

    Then this morning he couldn’t remember how to get out of bed. He’s so full of insecurities. He’s panicking about everything to do with the home, because I am always there supporting him,and he realises that I won’t be there. He even had a panic because he hadn’t got an alarm clock.

    The main worry for him, and for me if I’m honest, is how they will handle him and his incontinence. He’s always been so private and proud. Now he will have various people he doesn’t know dealing with his most intimate matters.

    I haven’t given any thought to me going into hospital. It’s as if it’s not happening. I know that once I have him in the care home, my surgery is going to smack me in the face. Not sure how I would be handling all this without you kind and generous people.
    Thank you, love B xx
     
  15. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,280
    My darling, I know, I really do. Believe me, the staff will handle him gently and with dignity, it's what they do. Most of the residents will be incontinent, or at least a large proportion of them. Most of those residents have been private and proud, of course they have. It's who we are, isn't it. The staff know this.
    Try and get through the night sweetheart, both of you. Little by little this will get easier, I absolutely promise. with all my love, Geraldinexxxx
     
  16. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you, always.
    I hope Keith has recovered from his fall? So upsetting for you both and for your son.
    I’m just writing a sheet of paper, a sort of diary, for him so that he can cross the days off.
    Is that a good idea? I’m losing the will to think things through!!
    I’m doing his favourite dinner, my Mom would be mortified!
    Sunday dinner, sausages and chips!!
    Who cares.... it’s what he likes
    With love to you, B xx
     
  17. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,516
    Bless you, it is always hard to leave someone we love in the hands of others. I was a nervous wreck sending our youngest to school. She came home happy and I had not settled to anything!
    A friend's husband went into respite, his biggest complaint?
    They did better caring than she!
    Of course if it were my husband I would feel the same as you!

    I tried to send a private conversation but it did not work for me.
    Never mind, just take care of yourself. My motto is 'everything passes'.
    These words comforted me when I was in hospital pretty ill.
    Not sure where they came from but it was a strong thought I will never forget.

    We will all be thinking of you. Xxx
     
  18. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Hi Alice
    I’ve tried messaging, you might get an email! Who knows, I’m not good with technology. I’m a switch it off switch it back on, and hope it works, kind of person!!
    I’m sure my husband will be ok, it’s just hard leaving him and walking away. It makes me feel unkind.
    For me the two weeks will drag thinking about him. For my husband I think the time will gallop by as he will have so many people around. He’s not used to that and I’m hoping we will both be pleasantly surprised.
    Please take care of yourself Alice,
    with love, Barbara xx
     
  19. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Well.... that was the worst thing I have done in the past 43 years.
    It wasn’t the taking, it was the leaving.
    Leaving him surrounded by people whose dementia appears so much more advanced, he just didn’t look like he belonged.
    He looked so lost, so aware of what I was doing to him.

    I stayed, got his case unpacked, talked to a couple of residents. There are only two male residents. Then we did the admin side for the care he needs.
    I left and I got to Sainsbury’s and I was almost hysterical.
    I felt so guilty, so lost without him, I just don’t want him there even if it is for my own good. I hope my surgery tomorrow goes well and I recover quickly so I can get him home.

    Got home, went in the shower and my mobile went off.
    Dripped over the carpet, grabbed phone, and it was him!
    He was very proud that he’d been to the toilet with what he called a professional care person. Was he saying I’m not!

    He said he had met one of the resident men, shook hands with him!
    So, does this mean he is ok?

    Early days yet, but I feel so much better now than I did 4 hours ago.
    Now for my surgery.....
    Love B xx
     
  20. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,516
    He may be trying to reassure you. Trouble is we never know. I feel we see things through our own eyes and our condition and perhaps their once eyes.
    I know last week I saw the care home and day centre through my eyes, it really cut me up that my boy was going there even if it was only morning day care, I saw the future possibility.
    He however thought it all right, is looking forward to activities and animal visits, he has a wonderful way with dogs.
    He was invited in to a man's room, and thought him a funny chap.
    So unless something upsets him .............
    You are bound to be stressed out. It has been an exceptionally hard time.
    Hug yourself from me. love A.
     

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