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Who has stolen my husband?

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,437
N Ireland
That sounds like he may be settled enough - take it as that anyway and don't feel guilt etc as there isn't any need @Sad Staffs.

I'll reply to your comment on the respite thread here as I don't want to hijack. We are both fine, there is less stress for me here and no additional confusion for my wife as we've rented the same place for years and follow the same routine. My biggest additional problems are regulating my wife's alcohol intake (her dementia related behaviour goes to a sky high level if she gets drunk) and cringing when she insists on helping with the washing up and tries to use the sponge for the sink/worktops for the crockery!:eek:

You will be in my thoughts over the next day or two as you have your surgery. Be gentle with yourself and do what the doctors/nurses tell you.:)
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
He may be trying to reassure you. Trouble is we never know. I feel we see things through our own eyes and our condition and perhaps their once eyes.
I know last week I saw the care home and day centre through my eyes, it really cut me up that my boy was going there even if it was only morning day care, I saw the future possibility.
He however thought it all right, is looking forward to activities and animal visits, he has a wonderful way with dogs.
He was invited in to a man's room, and thought him a funny chap.
So unless something upsets him .............
You are bound to be stressed out. It has been an exceptionally hard time.
Hug yourself from me. love A.
Thank you Alice.... I had no idea I would feel so bad, so guilty... and suddenly so alone. I got hit with the potential future.
I think the care staff seem lovely, jolly, caring. I shouldn’t be feeling like I do. But I love him... when we are living on top of each other, rarely going out of the house, I think we are so wrapped up with their condition you forget just how much you love them.
That smacked me in the face today.... I just love him.
Hope you are ok? Love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Hi Barbara, just want to say sleep tight tonight and sending love and hugs for tomorrow, take care and get well soon, Shirley xxx
Thank you Shirley, I will try to. I haven’t been sleeping much because it’s really painful in bed. So hopefully tonight I’ve worn myself out. Got to get up at 5! That’s when I will want to sleep!
Hope you are ok? Love Barbara xxx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
That sounds like he may be settled enough - take it as that anyway and don't feel guilt etc as there isn't any need @Sad Staffs.

I'll reply to your comment on the respite thread here as I don't want to hijack. We are both fine, there is less stress for me here and no additional confusion for my wife as we've rented the same place for years and follow the same routine. My biggest additional problems are regulating my wife's alcohol intake (her dementia related behaviour goes to a sky high level if she gets drunk) and cringing when she insists on helping with the washing up and tries to use the sponge for the sink/worktops for the crockery!:eek:

You will be in my thoughts over the next day or two as you have your surgery. Be gentle with yourself and do what the doctors/nurses tell you.:)
Thank you so much, a lovely welcome post.
It always makes me feel good thinking of you in Cyprus..... I’ve just drifted to the beach looking for shells!
I hope things are going ok with your wife. You are always here for so many of us, we forget you have your problems.
And, good luck with the washing up!
I promise to do as I’m told in hospital;), love B xx
 

Violetrose

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
52
Didsbury Manchester
Hi B, Not stupid at all. Spot on and as if you wrote every line about how I feel, thank you. After a fairly (in our life) calm period I’ve been struggling for a few days with a total lack of patience and feeling irritable, angry and hopeless which in turn makes my other half worse - maybe to get my attention back on him. Then today I’m back to being beyond sad and upset, he is just frightened and frustrated and wants to be ‘the man he was’. Oh how I miss him too. I don’t need much, I want him to go fill the car up, buy a few bits of shopping and come home and say he’ll make the dinner tonight before we get ready and go to the cinema/theatre/pub, actually making just one decision would do.
I’m thinking about you and sending love and a hug S xx
Dear Manc, from one Manc to another! I know exactly how you feel. I have to do everything including thinking for my husband as well as myself. It is exhausting. I can't ask him to do even the simplest task, it is just not worth it. He can't even make a cup of coffe Who would have thought that you could miss someone making you a cup of coffee? Like you I have periods where I bob along ok and periods where I feel ratty, tearful, angry, frustrated and geneally upset, and my husband is definitely worse when I feel like that. I miss the man I was married to and the good life we had. It is just a hard miserable slog now, but there is some comfort in knowing other people have similar experiences and it helps to talk about it on this Forum. People are so understanding and supportive. I hope you feel better for sharing your troubles. Sending you lots of love and a virtual hug. Xx
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,667
80
East of England
@karaokePete I know we share the alcohol problem and it is a burden to add to the general difficulties of dementia symptoms. I have managed to keep my husband alcohol free since we got back from our holiday, when he thinks that having a few drinks is what you do. Well it used to be, without any ill effects, but not now. I noticed your remark about dementia symptoms reaching sky high levels, so true. I do hope all goes well with your operation tomorrow @Sad Staffs it’s an anxious time for you but perhaps relieving the pain makes it all worth it. Best of luck x
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,411
Well.... that was the worst thing I have done in the past 43 years.
It wasn’t the taking, it was the leaving.
Leaving him surrounded by people whose dementia appears so much more advanced, he just didn’t look like he belonged.
He looked so lost, so aware of what I was doing to him.

I stayed, got his case unpacked, talked to a couple of residents. There are only two male residents. Then we did the admin side for the care he needs.
I left and I got to Sainsbury’s and I was almost hysterical.
I felt so guilty, so lost without him, I just don’t want him there even if it is for my own good. I hope my surgery tomorrow goes well and I recover quickly so I can get him home.

Got home, went in the shower and my mobile went off.
Dripped over the carpet, grabbed phone, and it was him!
He was very proud that he’d been to the toilet with what he called a professional care person. Was he saying I’m not!

He said he had met one of the resident men, shook hands with him!
So, does this mean he is ok?

Early days yet, but I feel so much better now than I did 4 hours ago.
Now for my surgery.....
Love B xx
Oh my darling girl, what a thing to happen. He phoned you and was proud he had been to the toilet, I am so so pleased. It certainly does mean he is OK and trying to reassure precious you. Surgery now. So well done for that incredibly hard step sweetheart.
all my love, so good to hear from you. Geraldinexxx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
To everyone who has wished me well following my surgery.... thank you for being there for me. I’m home, I’m tired, I’m on crutches, but most of all I’m missing my husband.

My operation appears to have gone well. Only time will tell if the pain is reduced. I won’t know until clips are removed and following a few weeks of physio which will start in 4 weeks.

I had no idea how impossible it is to get around the house on crutches when you don’t have anyone to carry your cup of tea, or your dinner, set the alarms before they activate. My goodness, so many things that my husband would have done for me, but he isn’t here.

I speak to him half a dozen times a day. He isn’t happy, but he has settled better than I expected (you were so right @kindred). He isn’t really socialising with the residents, but he is having his meals, and that is his choice, with them. And he is getting a lot of support, help and interaction with the staff. He is very happy with them. I won’t be going to see him, it’s difficult with crutches and pain, but we have extended phone calls, so he knows I am ok, and it is lovely to just hear his voice.

So now to get myself better so my husband can come home, where he should be. Thank you everyone for all your kind thoughts and support.
With love, B xx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,411
To everyone who has wished me well following my surgery.... thank you for being there for me. I’m home, I’m tired, I’m on crutches, but most of all I’m missing my husband.

My operation appears to have gone well. Only time will tell if the pain is reduced. I won’t know until clips are removed and following a few weeks of physio which will start in 4 weeks.

I had no idea how impossible it is to get around the house on crutches when you don’t have anyone to carry your cup of tea, or your dinner, set the alarms before they activate. My goodness, so many things that my husband would have done for me, but he isn’t here.

I speak to him half a dozen times a day. He isn’t happy, but he has settled better than I expected (you were so right @kindred). He isn’t really socialising with the residents, but he is having his meals, and that is his choice, with them. And he is getting a lot of support, help and interaction with the staff. He is very happy with them. I won’t be going to see him, it’s difficult with crutches and pain, but we have extended phone calls, so he knows I am ok, and it is lovely to just hear his voice.

So now to get myself better so my husband can come home, where he should be. Thank you everyone for all your kind thoughts and support.
With love, B xx
Oh my darling
To everyone who has wished me well following my surgery.... thank you for being there for me. I’m home, I’m tired, I’m on crutches, but most of all I’m missing my husband.

My operation appears to have gone well. Only time will tell if the pain is reduced. I won’t know until clips are removed and following a few weeks of physio which will start in 4 weeks.

I had no idea how impossible it is to get around the house on crutches when you don’t have anyone to carry your cup of tea, or your dinner, set the alarms before they activate. My goodness, so many things that my husband would have done for me, but he isn’t here.

I speak to him half a dozen times a day. He isn’t happy, but he has settled better than I expected (you were so right @kindred). He isn’t really socialising with the residents, but he is having his meals, and that is his choice, with them. And he is getting a lot of support, help and interaction with the staff. He is very happy with them. I won’t be going to see him, it’s difficult with crutches and pain, but we have extended phone calls, so he knows I am ok, and it is lovely to just hear his voice.

So now to get myself better so my husband can come home, where he should be. Thank you everyone for all your kind thoughts and support.
With love, B xx
Oh my dearest, welcome home! You have done so well. so good you can speak to him half a dozen times a day too. Of course it's so lovely to hear his voice. Of course you are missing him. Beloved man. Well done, sweetheart, through this part of it and onwards. with all love, and so well done, Geraldinexxx
 

rhubarbtree

Registered User
Jan 7, 2015
494
North West
Hi SadStaffs,

Glad your op went well and you are home. Coping on crutches sounds hard. Said we would compare respite experiences. Mine is very different to yours. My OH has settled extremely well, has not questioned why he is there or missed home with me. He looked slightly pleased to see me when I visited but was not bothered when I got ready to leave. The house does feel empty and purposeless without him around and my meal/bed times are erratic.

Look after yourself.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,437
N Ireland
I'm so glad the op went well @Sad Staffs.

Please forgive me for having a wry smile at the thought of you trying to carry a cup of tea while using crutches.

In my apartment the kitchen is so compact that I could park myself in the middle to make and consume all meals and drinks. I do hope you manage to care for yourself.
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
514
Hi B....I’m glad your home surgery all done, also that you husband has settled and able to chat to you throughout the day. Please take care and be very kind to yourself, lots of chocolate and cheese , yes I know strange combination but it works for me :D :D.

Thinking of you(( here’s a hug )) A x
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Hi SadStaffs,

Glad your op went well and you are home. Coping on crutches sounds hard. Said we would compare respite experiences. Mine is very different to yours. My OH has settled extremely well, has not questioned why he is there or missed home with me. He looked slightly pleased to see me when I visited but was not bothered when I got ready to leave. The house does feel empty and purposeless without him around and my meal/bed times are erratic.

Look after yourself.
Hi @rhubarbtree
Thank you for your post. I’ve used crutches before but always had the steadying helping hand of my husband. It’s very different on my own. But, I’m getting on with it. The impossible bit is the cup of tea. Can’t do that one. Have to wait for a visitor or go without!
I’m pleased your OH has settled so well, but it’s one of those double edged swords. Are you pleased he has settled so well? It’s a complicated existence we lead. My husband hasn’t settled that well and I think that is partly because sometimes his dementia appears not to exist, then it’s obvious. So he is very bored, not socialising with other residents, only the staff, sitting in his room apart from meal times, and not taking part in any activities. I’m not surprised. Since he retired he has become very antisocial. I am his world, so without me he is just going through the motions until he can come home. He was complaining tonight that family had phoned and they were talking drivel and would I tell them not to phone! I said no. So he put the phone down in a sulk.
He is quite happy with the food which has surprised me. When he can remember what he has had that is. Today he had chicken pie. But you hate chicken pie I said. Oh it was lovely!
As I said, we lead complicated lives....
But you are right about the house being empty, seems cold even. I’ve had loads of visitors since I got home, but it’s just not right without him.
Take care, love B x
 

Manc70

Registered User
May 30, 2018
119
S. Yorkshire
Hi B, so pleased that op has been done and that you are home. Wishing you all the very best in your recovery. I’m glad your husband seems settled and that you get to speak to him a few times a day. Must be hard being without him and hope the time passes quickly before you have him home with you. Thinking about you, take care and be kind to yourself. Much love and a hug S xxx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
I'm so glad the op went well @Sad Staffs.

Please forgive me for having a wry smile at the thought of you trying to carry a cup of tea while using crutches.

In my apartment the kitchen is so compact that I could park myself in the middle to make and consume all meals and drinks. I do hope you manage to care for yourself.
Good to hear from you... I’m listening to the waves lapping on that beach you walked on this morning!
Yes, the cup of tea! The only thing I haven’t worked out what to do! So I have to wait for visitors or go without!
When we moved into this house over 30 years ago we had this brilliant idea of ripping out the utility and downstairs loo to make a whopping kitchen, because at the age we were then you didn’t get old or infirm did you!!
So now it’s payback time!
And of course we regret what we did, especially taking out the loo!!
Oh, the folly of youth!
Take care, love B x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,178
South coast
Im glad the surgery went well. I know its hard without him, but I dont think that your husband would have coped well with you being unwell. I had a prolapsed disk several months ago and could do very little for myself. OH was in very early stages and could still do many things, but oh the huffing and grumbling when I asked him to do something - normally everything revolves around him and he just couldnt cope with the fact that it wasnt :rolleyes:
The impossible bit is the cup of tea. Can’t do that one. Have to wait for a visitor or go without!
Just a thought. Could you ask someone to put a stool or similar in the kitchen so that you can perch on it to make some tea and then drink it? Alternatively get someone to make a flask of tea and have it where you normally sit