Anger and violence

[SarB]

I need help and advice.

My dad (87) who lives with my mum (87) has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia from his 2019 CT head scan (delay due to covid) and is awaiting review of his Feb 2024 CT scan. He does not believe there is anything wrong with him, despite not bring able to retain information for more than a few seconds. He asks and gets angry about a car he sold when he decided to give up driving 4 months ago. He gets extremely angry and aggressive, shouting, breaking and throwing things and accusing my mum and myself of all sorts of things from selling his car behind his back, conspiring and having affairs with car thieves and trying to poison or do other things to harm him. He has a tendency to go out at night in a temper, wandering for hours, falling and hurting himself and being aggressive with others. He has been prescribed an antipsychotic but it doesn’t seem to be doing much to modify his behaviour. He has so far only caused my mum one minor head injury, but I worry they will seriously hurt each other.

My mum is under an huge strain with this almost 24/7 and is unable to control her own anger and rather than escaping to another room, tries to stop my dad breaking things/ leaving the home etc. and fights back. I can’t tell how much this is because of her own memory problems. (My mum is also waiting review of her CT scan for memory problems, but as they found a tumour on her brain scan we have to wait 12 months for a hospital review before she can be assessed in full.) I try to give my mum a break, but she only takes a break with me and I can only give her that for a short period once a week for a few hours when another relative is available to be with my dad. She has refused offers to stay overnight with other friends or family.

I think my mum needs some sort of coaching or peer support but I can’t find where to go for help.

 

[Kevinl]

Well you've found the right place SarB, however, that said and I hate myself for sounding so blunt but it's either intervention or wait for the car crash and one of them getting hurt by themselves or the other, as I say sorry to be so blunt.
Time to make the call, 111 before it becomes 999, either that or cal the AZ helpline on here.
Doing nothing is no longer an option from what you've said. Thank you. K

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @SarB, you are welcome here.

As @Kevinl has written, this requires some action as very definite safeguarding issues for both of your parents seem to exist. This must be very distressing for you.

In case you can't find details of the support line that was mentioned I've put a link to it below

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[SAP]

There is peer support groups but I really think this is no longer about “coaching” your mum to cope and more about getting her some help from the professionals asap. Please do call the help line and please do call emergency services if your mum is in physical danger . Your dad does not know what he is doing and that also means he may not know when to stop.

 

[SarB]

There is peer support groups but I really think this is no longer about “coaching” your mum to cope and more about getting her some help from the professionals asap. Please do call the help line and please do call emergency services if your mum is in physical danger . Your dad does not know what he is doing and that also means he may not know when to stop.

Thanks. The professionals do come round, but there is little they can do. I’d spoken to the help line a number of times, as well as local NHS adult mental health and the council social care (I made a safeguarding referral) but again - not a lot they can do. It does seem to really boil down to ringing 999 if needed.

 

[SarB]

Well you've found the right place SarB, however, that said and I hate myself for sounding so blunt but it's either intervention or wait for the car crash and one of them getting hurt by themselves or the other, as I say sorry to be so blunt.
Time to make the call, 111 before it becomes 999, either that or cal the AZ helpline on here.
Doing nothing is no longer an option from what you've said. Thank you. K

Thanks, Sounds like I’m doing the right things. I do make many many calls each week. They are under the care of the NHS Trust who provide the secondary care covering both the memory service and AMH, and I speak to both services many times a week. They are open to the local council social services (safeguarding raised a few months ago) and both me and the NHS Trust speak to them about how things are going. I’ve brought in the local police a few times now when things have escalated. And I do update both parents GP’s and use 111 and advice lines like the one here.

 

[maisiecat]

My husband who had Parkinsons dementia for 6 years, last year he developed vascular dementia and with it came the aggression and violence that you are describing. I think the thing your Mum needs most of all is to feel able to call 999 if things get to out of control. It takes a lot of courage to take that step against the person you love.
I would continue to push for a medication change for your father as his condition isn't been managed at all. Also you need to put in writing to Social Services about safeguarding again. Suggest how suprised how you are that they are willing to take the responsibility over this situation. This is the one thing they won't want to do.
From my experience you have to fight and fight dirty