Who has stolen my husband?

[Manc70]

Dear Manc, from one Manc to another! I know exactly how you feel. I have to do everything including thinking for my husband as well as myself. It is exhausting. I can't ask him to do even the simplest task, it is just not worth it. He can't even make a cup of coffe Who would have thought that you could miss someone making you a cup of coffee? Like you I have periods where I bob along ok and periods where I feel ratty, tearful, angry, frustrated and geneally upset, and my husband is definitely worse when I feel like that. I miss the man I was married to and the good life we had. It is just a hard miserable slog now, but there is some comfort in knowing other people have similar experiences and it helps to talk about it on this Forum. People are so understanding and supportive. I hope you feel better for sharing your troubles. Sending you lots of love and a virtual hug. Xx

Hi @Violetrose, great to hear from another Manc! it’s many years since I lived there (I married a soldier and moved every few years until settling the other side of the Pennines) but my heart will always be there. It certainly does help knowing others share virtually the same experiences and understand and support each other. I hope you are ok, sending you love and hugs xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi B....I’m glad your home surgery all done, also that you husband has settled and able to chat to you throughout the day. Please take care and be very kind to yourself, lots of chocolate and cheese , yes I know strange combination but it works for me .

Thinking of you(( here’s a hug )) A x

Hi A, thank you for the hug, very welcome tonight. No matter how many visitors, they go, and the house is empty again. I miss his moods, tantrums, aggression (did I really say that), but I miss him. He should be sitting in his chair, but, he will be home very soon, and I’m sure we will be back to how things were with very little delay!
Chocolate and cheese? Together? I need to try that combination!
Take care, much love, B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi B, so pleased that op has been done and that you are home. Wishing you all the very best in your recovery. I’m glad your husband seems settled and that you get to speak to him a few times a day. Must be hard being without him and hope the time passes quickly before you have him home with you. Thinking about you, take care and be kind to yourself. Much love and a hug S xxx

Lovely to get your message S, I’m shattered tonight, had loads of visitors, some bearing cream cakes! Now I want to sleep but it’s difficult sleeping on my back. Not to mention indigestion from the cream cake!
It is so hard being without him, even if he did have a tantrum on the phone earlier on! Nothing changes!
It’s particularly hard when family visit him and they then come to tell me how he is. It just doesn’t seem right that they are with him and I’m not. But the time will soon pass and to be honest it will be good to have a few days without callers so I can get some proper rest!
Please take care, and speak again soon, love B xx

 

[jugglingmum]

Just a thought. Could you ask someone to put a stool or similar in the kitchen so that you can perch on it to make some tea and then drink it? Alternatively get someone to make a flask of tea and have it where you normally sit

Or could you make a flask up, put it in a backpack and bring it through and sit down and pour it into a nice cup (also carried through in the backpack)

glad to hear you are home, hope you heal quickly

 

[canary]

Or could you make a flask up, put it in a backpack and bring it through and sit down and pour it into a nice cup (also carried through in the backpack)

Or put them in a bag with long handles that could go over your head

 

[Sad Staffs]

Im glad the surgery went well. I know its hard without him, but I dont think that your husband would have coped well with you being unwell. I had a prolapsed disk several months ago and could do very little for myself. OH was in very early stages and could still do many things, but oh the huffing and grumbling when I asked him to do something - normally everything revolves around him and he just couldnt cope with the fact that it wasnt

Just a thought. Could you ask someone to put a stool or similar in the kitchen so that you can perch on it to make some tea and then drink it? Alternatively get someone to make a flask of tea and have it where you normally sit

Oh my goodness, you always hit the nail on the head. Because my husband sometimes seems ok, especially to others, I couldn’t agree more about the huffing and grumbling, and that everything revolves around them.... I feel like a poor version of Cinderella! And, everything has to happen the instant he wants it to, otherwise he goes off on one!
Thanks for the stool idea... that might work, we will give it a try tomorrow.
Take care, love B xx

 

[Duggies-girl]

So glad your surgery seems to have gone well @Sad Staffs

You have to concentrate now on getting yourself back to normal so that your husband can come home to you soon. Look after yourself and hope all is back to normal for you soon but please take it easy while you have the chance.

Best wishes xx

 

[AliceA]

So glad to hear you are back home. love A

 

[Grahamstown]

Hi @rhubarbtree
Thank you for your post. I’ve used crutches before but always had the steadying helping hand of my husband. It’s very different on my own. But, I’m getting on with it. The impossible bit is the cup of tea. Can’t do that one. Have to wait for a visitor or go without!
I’m pleased your OH has settled so well, but it’s one of those double edged swords. Are you pleased he has settled so well? It’s a complicated existence we lead. My husband hasn’t settled that well and I think that is partly because sometimes his dementia appears not to exist, then it’s obvious. So he is very bored, not socialising with other residents, only the staff, sitting in his room apart from meal times, and not taking part in any activities. I’m not surprised. Since he retired he has become very antisocial. I am his world, so without me he is just going through the motions until he can come home. He was complaining tonight that family had phoned and they were talking drivel and would I tell them not to phone! I said no. So he put the phone down in a sulk.
He is quite happy with the food which has surprised me. When he can remember what he has had that is. Today he had chicken pie. But you hate chicken pie I said. Oh it was lovely!
As I said, we lead complicated lives....
But you are right about the house being empty, seems cold even. I’ve had loads of visitors since I got home, but it’s just not right without him.
Take care, love B x

I was starting to think about Day Care and reading your post has made me think. My husband is so like yours and one minute the dementia obvious, then hidden. I know he won’t like it and is even a bit against it when the family help out, “I shall be fine on my own” he says. So I realise how glad you will be when he is home, but not before you are back on your feet properly I hope. Keep up the good work with your rehabilitation.

 

[Janie M]

Hi @rhubarbtree
Thank you for your post. I’ve used crutches before but always had the steadying helping hand of my husband. It’s very different on my own. But, I’m getting on with it. The impossible bit is the cup of tea. Can’t do that one. Have to wait for a visitor or go without!
I’m pleased your OH has settled so well, but it’s one of those double edged swords. Are you pleased he has settled so well? It’s a complicated existence we lead. My husband hasn’t settled that well and I think that is partly because sometimes his dementia appears not to exist, then it’s obvious. So he is very bored, not socialising with other residents, only the staff, sitting in his room apart from meal times, and not taking part in any activities. I’m not surprised. Since he retired he has become very antisocial. I am his world, so without me he is just going through the motions until he can come home. He was complaining tonight that family had phoned and they were talking drivel and would I tell them not to phone! I said no. So he put the phone down in a sulk.
He is quite happy with the food which has surprised me. When he can remember what he has had that is. Today he had chicken pie. But you hate chicken pie I said. Oh it was lovely!
As I said, we lead complicated lives....
But you are right about the house being empty, seems cold even. I’ve had loads of visitors since I got home, but it’s just not right without him.
Take care, love B x

Hi @Sad Staffs . Just an idea.....could a visitor make a flask of tea and leave with you so at least you can have a cuppa after they’Ve left? It’s surprising how resourceful we have to be! Take care and hope you’re not in too much pain. Hugs. Xx

 

[AliceA]

Hi A, thank you for the hug, very welcome tonight. No matter how many visitors, they go, and the house is empty again. I miss his moods, tantrums, aggression (did I really say that), but I miss him. He should be sitting in his chair, but, he will be home very soon, and I’m sure we will be back to how things were with very little delay!
Chocolate and cheese? Together? I need to try that combination!
Take care, much love, B xx

chocolate cheese cake? X

 

[GinnyJan]

Hi B, I'm so glad to hear that your op went well and you're home again. Take care and rest as much as you can before OH comes home.....you need to be well yourself in order to be able to look after him x

 

[Sad Staffs]

Lying in bed, can’t sleep, who else would I turn to when I’m home alone!

It’s so odd having the house to myself. Apart from the obvious, such as discomfort, crutches, loneliness, and trying to beat activating the burglar alarms, I’m really no trouble! I’m tidying as I go, and apart from the inevitable dust (does anyone ever beat the dust) you wouldn’t know I was here!

But here is where it goes downhill. I miss him so much.... I feel so guilty about him not being here.... I can’t wait for him to come home, even knowing how very difficult it is going to be, and that nothing will have changed. It’s not like we needed a break to save our marriage, we needed the break so that I could start to recover. I’m doing that, but recovering would be easier if he was here like he was 5 years ago. Recovering with him as he is now, when he needs me more than I need him, that is the crux.

I can’t say he has settled easily into the care home. He does have his meals with the residents. The staff are fitting and changing his incontinence pads. Some do it better than others with the inevitable accidents when not done as per my notes. Being such a proud private man he is distressed when he and/or the bed are wet. I know he tries to please the staff, he hasn’t bothered socialising with the residents at all. He sees them as old people who are not well! I can’t argue that point, as he does seem and look younger, but whether he is as well as or more able than any of them..... I guess I don’t know them well enough to have an opinion.

So, he spends his time in his room. He phones me and I phone him at least 6 or 8 times. Is that a good or bad thing? I don’t know, but I know he feels less cut off and it helps me too. There is one odd thing.... recently he had lost the ability to send text messages, or to use his iPhone properly. Lots of things like that he struggled with, and gave up. He was certainly unable to text me when he first moved into the home. Not only has he worked out how to text me, but he’s worked out how to use emojis!!

One more week before he comes home. I know it isn’t going to be easy. I’ll still be on crutches for another 5 weeks. I know that he still has dementia, that it won’t have miraculously got better. I know that the dreaded aggression will rear it’s ugly head, and I will try not to but can’t help but react. Wish I didn’t, but I’ll never be a saint.

It helps me so much to be able to put my thoughts and feelings on this forum to people who understand how I feel. I wonder how I will feel when the time comes for another stay either temporary or permanent? If he stays as he is, which inevitably he won’t, but if he did then I doubt he would go into care as quietly as he did this time. But we all know that things change. Who knows how the short or long term future will pan out?

But for now, I just want him home, for my benefit as well I as his.
Love B xx

 

[AliceA]

Bless you both. I know how my heart ached when mine was in hospital.
It is always worse in the small hours too. It seems good that the phone and texts are going well.
This means he will feel connected.
I hope you continue to improve and look after yourself, it really is a tough time fior you.


Love A. X

 

[Francy]

Stupid thread, but I’m sitting here trying to be patient, looking at the man I’ve been with for nearly 50 years and wondering where he has gone?
When did all this really start?
Why him?
Why me?
What have we done to deserve this?
It’s breaking my heart?
I can’t believe that tomorrow could be worse than today.
That it can’t get easier than today, and today is so hard.
Life can be so cruel.
I am not sure who has him, but I want him back.
He’s mine....

I can really relate to this, I too want my lovely husband back, I want my life back, my heart is breaking and each day is so challenging and don't know if I have the strength and the patience to go on. I've no family and only a few friends who I don't want to burden with my problems. My husband refuses to see a doctor. So I'm alone. I'm alone even when I'm with my husband. Coping is overwhelming.
How do we reach this point in our lives, how do we get normality, hope do we save our husband's and ourselves. I hope you have someone who can care for you and give you free time to recharge. XXXX

 

[Manc70]

Hi B, it’s 6am and I hope you are sleeping soundly after being awake in the wee small hours. I want to say you are half way through and before you know it your husband will be back home with you but I know it won’t make any difference to how you feel right now. Glad you’re able to keep in touch with phone calls and texts.
If I was you I would step away from the duster - just for a day or two, dust has the horrible habit of coming back. Our place looks fine as long as the sun doesn’t come out then I see the windows, dusting etc needs some attention. It doesn’t bother me as it would have done not too long ago, it will get done - tomorrow!!
Take care and continue making a good recovery, I hope you can enjoy (not a good choice of a word but you know what I mean) even just short snatches of being on your own. It’s difficult I know but it’s ok to allow yourself to enjoy the rest. Thinking about you, sending love and hugs S xx

 

[Manc70]

I can really relate to this, I too want my lovely husband back, I want my life back, my heart is breaking and each day is so challenging and don't know if I have the strength and the patience to go on. I've no family and only a few friends who I don't want to burden with my problems. My husband refuses to see a doctor. So I'm alone. I'm alone even when I'm with my husband. Coping is overwhelming.
How do we reach this point in our lives, how do we get normality, hope do we save our husband's and ourselves. I hope you have someone who can care for you and give you free time to recharge. XXXX

Hi @Francy, I just want to say hello and please believe there are many people on here that will understand how you feel, support you and hopefully make you feel you are not so alone. Maybe you have already done it but in the early days of knowing there was something wrong with my husband I went to see the GP alone which was some help until he finally agreed to go. I know that feeling of being overwhelmed by it all and the heartbreak being a truly physical as well as emotional feeling. Are you sure one of your friends wouldn’t welcome you leaning on them for some support, even just a cuppa and a chat to share some of your worries. Take care xx

 

[AliceA]

Hi B, it’s 6am and I hope you are sleeping soundly after being awake in the wee small hours. I want to say you are half way through and before you know it your husband will be back home with you but I know it won’t make any difference to how you feel right now. Glad you’re able to keep in touch with phone calls and texts.
If I was you I would step away from the duster - just for a day or two, dust has the horrible habit of coming back. Our place looks fine as long as the sun doesn’t come out then I see the windows, dusting etc needs some attention. It doesn’t bother me as it would have done not too long ago, it will get done - tomorrow!!
Take care and continue making a good recovery, I hope you can enjoy (not a good choice of a word but you know what I mean) even just short snatches of being on your own. It’s difficult I know but it’s ok to allow yourself to enjoy the rest. Thinking about you, sending love and hugs S xx

Good advice, Manc, I quoted Quentin Crisp to my Granddaughter, whose seven year old is having aggressive chemo. 'Dust gets so high then it falls off'. We laughed but I also know that well I am unwell, a speck can look like a boulder. There is something to be said for net curtains!

 

[karaokePete]

I can really relate to this, I too want my lovely husband back, I want my life back, my heart is breaking and each day is so challenging and don't know if I have the strength and the patience to go on. I've no family and only a few friends who I don't want to burden with my problems. My husband refuses to see a doctor. So I'm alone. I'm alone even when I'm with my husband. Coping is overwhelming.
How do we reach this point in our lives, how do we get normality, hope do we save our husband's and ourselves. I hope you have someone who can care for you and give you free time to recharge. XXXX

Hello @Francy, welcome to the forum from me too. I spotted that you'd posted in this thread and see that you are having a difficult time. I wondered if you have thought about starting your own discussion as you may receive more responses from other members, and also be able to use the discussion to share other information and keep other members updated on how things are going.

To start your own discussion:

1. Find a forum that is relevant for you [e.g. https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forums/i-have-a-partner-with-dementia.69/ ]

2. At the top, you'll see a button called 'Post New Thread' - click or tap on this.

3. Add a discussion title and below, add your message. Then click or tap the [Submit thread] OR [Create Thread] button.

I hope this helps.

Pete

 

[Manc70]

Hi B, not expecting a reply, just want you to know I’m thinking about you and hoping your recovery is going well. Xx S xx

@AliceA loved the quote re dust and agree about nets but think I will have to pull my finger out and get the windows cleaned. Another one of those jobs I always left to my husband. We live in a bungalow and didn’t bother with a window cleaner but must now look for one I think. I’m so sorry to hear about your g.grandaughter and wish her all the best wishes in the world.

Love and best wishes to all S xxx