Who has stolen my husband?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Sad Staffs, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    I’m writing this because I’m trying to understand.
    I wish I wasn’t writing this and probably tomorrow I will regret it.

    But, I think something has fundamentally changed. I don’t know how or why, but he is very aggressive, non compliant (that word is for you @Starbright ), very selfish.... different, meaner, spiteful.
    All started first thing. Moved on. I was pottering waiting for Sainsbury’s delivery. He got aggressive that he has nothing to do, wouldn’t come with me to change his pad. Kept refusing. Said he wanted to die. Started pushing me around. I twisted my hip. I shouted that did he think it was any better for me. But he really doesn’t care about me now. So tough.

    Does dementia suddenly change like this?
    He keeps threatening to hit me, apart from the push today he has got very close but held back from actual contact.
    He’s angry that in his words I locked him away while I had my surgery.

    How do I cope with this?
    What do I do? What can I do?
    Will tomorrow be better?
    I hope so, B xx
     
  2. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,505
    Dear B, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time.
    I hope that your husband settles soon, perhaps it is a extra blip as you both have been under such a lot of pressure. Food symbolises so much, often it is the one thing people they have control over, whether to eat or not. Even babies soon learn to clamp their mouths to frustrate their mothers. Christmas brings its own issues too.
    Thinking of you, Love Alice x
     
  3. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    449
    Female
    Hi B ...I am sorry it’s such an upsetting day for you ...as Alice says both of you have had so much to deal with. I hope he settles soon. Do you think maybe he has an infection ? I know it’s the obvious and you’ve probably already thought of it.
    Thinking of you. A x
     
  4. Manc70

    Manc70 Registered User

    May 30, 2018
    119
    Female
    S. Yorkshire
    Hi B, I haven’t posted much lately but when I saw your latest post I couldn’t leave it. I’m so sorry things are so bad for you and wish so much that I was wise enough to have answers. I find it all as confusing as you. It is extremely hard to take, and understand, when they make absolutely everything about them regardless of how much we do or have to put up with. I want to suggest phoning the Helpline but I’m sure you have thought of it and if it’s anything like me you would have no privacy to do so. My OH makes me jump a dozen times a day suddenly appearing the other side of a door, stands between me and where I want to move to, if I’m in another room and make the slightest noise wants to know is everything ok. I feel so smothered. Thankfully he has had an increase in medication which seems to suit him for now mood wise and his hallucinations aren’t so regular but he is changing a lot in that he hasn’t got past page 4 of a book he has been ‘reading’ for weeks, he can’t spell or sign his name, use his tablet, phone etc, for a man who was a better cook than me, he can only now manage to make a cup of tea - but we can still go out and he’s fairly good company and people will say how well he looks and you wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with him! Should I be pleased - unfortunately it drives me mad as well as breaks my heart.
    Sorry B, I didn’t mean to go on about me - you know what it’s like once you start.
    I’m really concerned for you with the aggression, my husband kicks and hits out in his sleep occasionally and that frightens me as to what he might do next and it is an awful feeling being scared in our own homes where hopefully we have always felt safe.
    I am thinking about you and hope tomorrow is a better day. Please take care and I hope your recovery isn’t jeopardised. Much love and a hug S xxx
     
  5. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,666
    Dear B I really do hope tomorrow will be better but i do feel you must be very careful at the moment. Surely he needs some medication to control these moods. Is there no way you can get the Dr round on any pretence to prescribe something for him.
    This is not the arrangement you entered into when you got married . If he didnt have dementia would you stay?
     
  6. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you Alice. He is quieter now. I went to bed for two hours and left him alone. Not sure why, but he has calmed down. And if he can feel sorry, not sure he can, then perhaps something has registered. Who knows!
    But... he also said his dinner was nice! Praise indeed!
    Take care Alice, and thank you for being there, love B xx
     
  7. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you. We will see what tomorrow brings. He said he wanted me to go to hospital about me twisting my hip. Not sure if all is ok, but I’m sure a good rest overnight will help. Fingers crossed.
    He is due for another urine sample post Christmas. Always traumatic getting one from him! Nothing is ever easy is it? Easy.... those were the days!
    Love B xx
     
  8. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Everything you said in your main paragraph is a mirror image here! It constantly surprises me that other people are experiencing exactly the same. I just wonder if you cope better than me.
    Or, is it me? Do I goad him into reacting so aggressively.
    He is now as quiet as quiet can be.
    But he too spends all day asking if I’m ok if I make an unexpected noise, or just a noise. I brush my teeth, put my brush down with a clunk, and know that he will want to know if I’m ok! Sometimes I think he can’t win! I know I can’t! Guess this is what we call a no win situation.
    My husband always cooked Christmas dinner, I haven’t done it for years, so this year it is down to me. We will see what happens.
    No I haven’t called the helpline. As you said, I can never make phone calls in the house without him following and listening. And I feel guilty leaving him out. It’s such a confusing life...
    Thank you for being there... much love to you S, please take care, B xx
     
  9. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Hi Susan, without doubt I would stay with him. It has to get very serious for us to separate, presumably it could be care one day.
    He isn’t the man I fell in love with, have loved unconditionally for over 40 years, but I still love that man, it is that sometimes it’s tough, tougher than normal, and I don’t understand why him, why me, why us?
    I don’t understand how his dementia affects him. Sometimes he is just as he has always been. Others don’t see any problem. They don’t know what I’m saying. I’m close to two of my cousins. One understands, the other thinks I’m making it all up! Why I would do that, who knows!
    I’m hoping to get through Christmas and New Year unscathed, fingers crossed, wondering what 2019 will bring!
    Thank you for caring, take care, love B xx
     
  10. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,666
    You are an amazing person. Without doubt your husband does not realise how lucky he is.
     
  11. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Those words were like a special Christmas gift, thank you, love B xx
     
  12. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    405
    Sheffield
    Sorry you are suffering like this. I have been pushed and shouted at because he is deaf and I don’t understand! He becomes aggressive for no reason. He is under the mental health team now and he is taking revistmine which has calmed him down. He was nasty to me in front of a mental health care worker and she organised the medication. She says it is paranoia. She says if he starts again ring the police.
     
  13. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    491
    Mississauga
    Hi SadStaffs:

    I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Everybody should feel safe in their own home. His aggression against you bothers me tremendously but what bothers me more is that he said
    "You locked him away while you had surgery.". To me that means he has not forgotten and most likely never will. I am scared for your safety. Please alert someone if not more than one person, (children, doctors, police, neighbours, etc.) Make sure you have a room that can be locked and that has a working phone it so you can call emergency, if you need to. I know he apologized for hurting you but they always do, until the next time. It's not his fault and it's not your fault, it's the fault of this illness, BUT THAT IS NO REASON NOT TO STAY SAFE. It could just be his medications need changing but in the meantime you both need to stay safe.

    Take care.
     
  14. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    491
    Mississauga
     
  15. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    This Christmas will be a first....
    knowing that my gorgeous husband has dementia.
    I know that next Christmas is unlikely to be better than this one.
    So I’m going to make the best of what we have.
    Thank you to everyone who has given me advice, guidance and especially support in this emotional minefield.
    Not sure what I would have done without you.
    With love, B xx
     
  16. GinnyJan

    GinnyJan Registered User

    Jan 20, 2018
    48
    You're right about us having 'less than normal' lives :)

    I guess I'm ok but I'm unhappy - as are many of us, I know. It's Christmas Day and my husband doesn't want to go to our daughters to see the grandchildren and hear all about what Santa brought I want to leave him here on his own but I daren't so I'm reduced to cajoling and bribing and bullying him It's not how I hoped to spend my later years. We will go but I expect the day will be curtailed when he starts getting unpleasant cos he's bored, so we'll come home and all be bored together :)

    Happy Christmas to everyone out there. Enjoy what you can, when you can Love and hugs xx
     
  17. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,088
    Yorkshire
    #477 Shedrech, Dec 25, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
    morning @Sad Staffs and @mancmum
    I hope you have a settled and safe day today

    this is just to let you know that the AS Helpline also has an online live chat facility so you can type comments and get replies in real time
    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline/live-online-advice
    though this and the Helpline are closed today and tomorrow, open again wednesday

    tough as it would be, please remember that the police are there to help with aggression and violence and do so sympathetically, so do think to do call them - a referral on from them can be a way to get attention from Adult Servicds and more support
     
  18. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Dear GinnyJan
    I’m so sorry that you are unhappy, but it’s understandable, as we all have so much to cope with. It’s all made harder because, for me, few if any of my family and friends have any idea what my life is really like.
    I do hope you managed to see your daughter and grandchildren. Children on Christmas Day, that is what it is all about.
    All is quiet here at the moment. As long as things go my husbands way, nothing upsets him, and I keep the peace.... well it’s ok. But it means that the more I do that, the more I’m chipping away at my own existence.
    I think we become a shadow of our former selves.
    Please take care, keep in touch, with love, B xx
     
  19. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    I was dreading Christmas Day. But it’s been, and gone, and no real problems.
    It was very different to Christmas past.... I sound like something out of Charles Dickens!
    I cooked the dinner, a first for me for many years as it was always my husband that cooked the dinner. I can see him now... in his man apron, glass in one hand, carving knife in the other.... wouldn’t want that scenario these days.
    It bothered him that I was in the kitchen so much.
    But, it was all ok. It’s amazing what you will accept when you have little alternative, or just want a peaceful life!
    So, dinner was ok, all went well, until time for bed.
    Getting his incontinence pad sorted and he just turned, as he often does at that time, into a horrible person. Shouting, swearing... he just looks like someone else.
    I did what I had to do fitting pads etc, I normally get him into bed, but last night I walked away and left him while I got myself ready for bed.
    When I returned he was in bed. So I too got into bed. And I had a better night since I went into hospital.
    And that was our Christmas.
    It wasn’t too bad at all. Could have been a lot worse.
    I’m learning to take each day as it comes. No two days are the same.

    I’m dreading 2019....
    how can any of us look forward when our lives and our loved ones are on a downward spiral.
    But, I’m sending love and warm thoughts to all of you out there.
    Please try to take care of yourselves.
    We lose sight of the fact that we exist, we are important, we have our own lives too.
    Love B xx
     
  20. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    532
    Scotland
    Sad Staffs, I so agree with what you have said. Christmas Day has come and gone - like so many here on TP, I was dreading it. I went to OH's care home to help at lunchtime and spent a few hours there. OH is definitely on a downward spiral and I simply cannot muster up positivity. Here in Scotland there will be high level celebrations next week on Hogmanay and New Year's Day.

    Sending a love and wee hug to all. xx
     

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