Who has stolen my husband?

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
Im not saying its easy sad staffs - I guess you havent read my thread carer breakdown?
I try and pretend Im his carer, not his wife. Fortunately the rage seems to have mostly subsided now, but Im left with apathy and very little communication. This cold has gone to my chest and Im feeling rather sorry for myself. OH got up and told me he hadnt eaten anything for 2 days (which is not true) and was convinced he had a doctors appointment today (also not true). Hes had breakfast and coffee and Ive managed to convince him that he has no appointments today so he is sitting on the sofa with his android tablet. I think he is over the seizures now. I used to think that he was somehow doing it on purpose to force me to attend to him as it always happened when I was ill. Then I realised it was because he was frightened that I wouldnt be able to look after him and he knew deep down that he needed me - even if he never admitted it

No, you wont get through to him, reason and logic no longer works and will just annoy him further. I now only tell my OH what he need to hear at the time. Trying to explain things to him, or trying to have a "normal" conversation just resulted in him accusing me of trying coerce him and telling him what to think., so I dont do it now.
I think I’m married to your OH, so much of what you say is starting to ring so many bells.
I will try to find your post on carer breakdown...
Thank you, love B xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I will try to find your post on carer breakdown..
If you click on my avatar, go to "postings" and scroll down to the bottom, you will find "threads started by canary". Click on that and you will see a list of all the threads that I have started. I hid them away in the Difficult Feelings section of the forum so that they could only be viewed by members.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
If you click on my avatar, go to "postings" and scroll down to the bottom, you will find "threads started by canary". Click on that and you will see a list of all the threads that I have started. I hid them away in the Difficult Feelings section of the forum so that they could only be viewed by members.
I don’t know what to say....
I have always welcomed your logical, helpful supportive posts.
But you have made me feel humble.
I read the books, fact sheets, etc. I search for some slot to fit my husband in. I can’t find one. I don’t understand him or how he is.
But however things are for me, your posts spelling out how things are for you have made me realise that it could be so much worse, and I should be thankful.
Thank you for always being supportive.
With love, Barbara xx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
Stepping back.... I wish I had the inner strength to do this.
I feel the injustice of the things he says and does. I know I shouldn’t, but I just lose it, especially if he is an inch away from me screaming and swearing.
I wish I was a better person and didn’t feel the need to retaliate.
Perhaps as time goes on I will get bored with trying to get through to him. I don’t know.... will I ever learn? Will I ever understand?
Let’s see what 2019 brings. At the moment it fills me with dread.
Gosh, I’m a bundle of fun this morning. Might have something to do with him being soaking wet earlier.... and all that washing!
Love B xx
My darling I have just read this again. Will you ever understand? Well, sweetheart, how can we? He (and our Ohs) are suffering massive brain damage and so little is known about the normal brain, let alone the abnormal one. But we are human and have to do something to protect ourselves. I steeled myself into endurance as you know, and that was almost the end of me. Also, I felt I couldn't be honest about some of the things I was suffering, I felt so ashamed of some of the behaviours, although I know now from being in Keith's home, all are normal to dementia. Of course you feel the need to retaliate. We are human for goodness sake and it's our humanity that makes us keep going. Keep looking for love in the slightest gesture. Thinking of you darling, always here.
with love, Geraldinexxxx
 

Baggybreeks

Registered User
Mar 22, 2017
80
0
Scotland
I have just been sitting in silence reading all the thread. What awful times you are all having.
I had almost forgotten.
It’s the 3rd Christmas since my lovely husband , who has mixed dementia, was sectioned from the hospital, to the mental hospital dementia unit. His dementia had become so aggressive towards me and the carers , who came to help shower him, unsuccessfully latterly .
The police were called to protect the ambulance crew who came after the doctor decided I could not be safe anymore .
In A&E where he was taken first, it was an absolute nightmare . He was crashing and bashing around all round the triage area all night, no doctor assessing him to sedate. Fortunately our son was able to take over from me about 2am so I could get home for a few hours exhausted sleep.
By the time I went back at 6 .30 they had managed to find a bed for my husband in the assessment 8 bed ward. As he had tried to smash a computer monitor. And my son went off to work , having been up all night and at work the previous day .
So I took over walking round and round the unit with husband. His balance had gone and he was leaning over to the side as he walked, I called it his banana walk, and was really worried he would fall and break something.
Eventually around 4.30pm he thought he saw something on the floor and bent over to pick it up. Of course he fell, right in front of the nurses station .
At this point, I was so exhausted I turned to the nurses and said that they would have to take over. I couldn’t keep him safe. And I left. I went home.
Two hours later I got a call on my mobile to say he was in the psycho-geriatric ward.
When I got there half an hour later I saw him wandering along the corridor with a security man beside him.
Eventually a doctor came to tell me they had sectioned him. And gave him 2 sedative injections, which finally got him to sit still.
A long story which I am not going to carry on with as it went from bad to worse.
The latest is he has been in a care home a year and 9 months,and the mental hospital for 4 months, away from me.
It’s really hard being on my own. It was so intense for 3 years looking after him at home with double incontinence latterly.
I visit every day as he requires 100% assistance, I help with his evening meal.
I get an occasional smile, he can’t speak. But he’s still in there.
The pearl inside the oyster shell, as Teepa Snow, the Texan OT for dementia on Google says.
A brilliant site which helped me enormously, to understand this awful disease.
I’m sorry about such a long post.
I haven’t spoken to anybody today and I have to get some milk now before I go to the home for the evening to help and be with him, he’s a shadow of the man I love but I still do.
And hopefully some of you reading this will reconcile with your PWD too.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I have always welcomed your logical, helpful supportive posts.
But you have made me feel humble.
Believe me, that was not my intention. I wanted to show you that we are all in this together. I use logic to try and make myself understand what it is like for him and I finds it helps, so if I can pass this understanding on to help others then I am happy. No-one should try and say that one case is worse than another - its not a competition.
I read the books, fact sheets, etc. I search for some slot to fit my husband in. I can’t find one. I don’t understand him or how he is.
Have you been reading stuff on Alzheimers? My OH has typical FTD symptoms, although if you have read my thread you will know by now that the doctors have said that it isnt. Your husband has very similar symptoms to mine and I would say that they sound typical of frontal lobe problems, even if the cause is Alzheimers or vascular, or whatever. Have you tried investigating FTD? You may find that this is a slot that your husband fits in.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
Believe me, that was not my intention. I wanted to show you that we are all in this together. I use logic to try and make myself understand what it is like for him and I finds it helps, so if I can pass this understanding on to help others then I am happy. No-one should try and say that one case is worse than another - its not a competition.

Have you been reading stuff on Alzheimers? My OH has typical FTD symptoms, although if you have read my thread you will know by now that the doctors have said that it isnt. Your husband has very similar symptoms to mine and I would say that they sound typical of frontal lobe problems, even if the cause is Alzheimers or vascular, or whatever. Have you tried investigating FTD? You may find that this is a slot that your husband fits in.
Yes, I gravitate to your posts because I feel I can identify with some of them. I’ve read the Alzheimer’s information but it feels like it’s a bit here and a bit there. He doesn’t seem to fit into any one category. Perhaps most don’t?
But often I read what you say and that seems to fit more than the AS information.
The one major difference is that my husband hasn’t had any sexually inappropriate behaviour. Well, not yet, and I dread that it might happen. I’m not sure how I would handle that as I was brought up a real prude!
I’m 73, I have always prided myself on my logic and common sense. I have always been strong and capable. I had a good job working with distressed parents.
I’m looking for answers, but perhaps there aren’t any?
Perhaps I need to start trying to think more about how my husband is feeling? I gave him the timer for the washing asking him to let me know when it went off. He later asked me what the 20 meant, as there were 20 minutes remaining. But he couldn’t work that out. A year or more ago I used to accuse him of having a lazy mind. This is typical.
But he can keep a full calendar on his iPad, even noting when he goes to the loo! If I ask him to add me to one of his appointments as an invitee, he can’t quite work that out, but his calendar is very detailed! And he is obsessive about it.
He is today distressed because his night incontinence pads leaked badly, and his evening pad leaked too, wetting the chair covering. He keeps asking why. I have no idea, but I’m trying to stop him worrying.
He is due to be seen again by the dementia service in 6 months. Perhaps I should ask them to see us sooner.
Sorry @canary .... I’ve waffled. Time to get dinner.
Thank you for your valid and logical posts.
You have no idea how important they are to me. Love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I have just been sitting in silence reading all the thread. What awful times you are all having.
I had almost forgotten.
It’s the 3rd Christmas since my lovely husband , who has mixed dementia, was sectioned from the hospital, to the mental hospital dementia unit. His dementia had become so aggressive towards me and the carers , who came to help shower him, unsuccessfully latterly .
The police were called to protect the ambulance crew who came after the doctor decided I could not be safe anymore .
In A&E where he was taken first, it was an absolute nightmare . He was crashing and bashing around all round the triage area all night, no doctor assessing him to sedate. Fortunately our son was able to take over from me about 2am so I could get home for a few hours exhausted sleep.
By the time I went back at 6 .30 they had managed to find a bed for my husband in the assessment 8 bed ward. As he had tried to smash a computer monitor. And my son went off to work , having been up all night and at work the previous day .
So I took over walking round and round the unit with husband. His balance had gone and he was leaning over to the side as he walked, I called it his banana walk, and was really worried he would fall and break something.
Eventually around 4.30pm he thought he saw something on the floor and bent over to pick it up. Of course he fell, right in front of the nurses station .
At this point, I was so exhausted I turned to the nurses and said that they would have to take over. I couldn’t keep him safe. And I left. I went home.
Two hours later I got a call on my mobile to say he was in the psycho-geriatric ward.
When I got there half an hour later I saw him wandering along the corridor with a security man beside him.
Eventually a doctor came to tell me they had sectioned him. And gave him 2 sedative injections, which finally got him to sit still.
A long story which I am not going to carry on with as it went from bad to worse.
The latest is he has been in a care home a year and 9 months,and the mental hospital for 4 months, away from me.
It’s really hard being on my own. It was so intense for 3 years looking after him at home with double incontinence latterly.
I visit every day as he requires 100% assistance, I help with his evening meal.
I get an occasional smile, he can’t speak. But he’s still in there.
The pearl inside the oyster shell, as Teepa Snow, the Texan OT for dementia on Google says.
A brilliant site which helped me enormously, to understand this awful disease.
I’m sorry about such a long post.
I haven’t spoken to anybody today and I have to get some milk now before I go to the home for the evening to help and be with him, he’s a shadow of the man I love but I still do.
And hopefully some of you reading this will reconcile with your PWD too.
Thank you @Baggybreeks
I read your post and it is heart wrenching.
You have had and still have such a tough time. But you still love him.
I haven’t had your experience, and I dread that this might/could/will happen to my husband. I still love him, all the time but sometimes I find it difficult and I question how I feel. He is a shadow of his former self, but he is still there, but I miss what he was.
I just want him back.
My husband had sepsis in March and he was so very poorly, confused and delusional. I got him home like that. It was hard work. I had no idea what to do. I had never experienced anyone with dementia. In my innocence I think I thought I could apply a plaster and all would be as it had been. He recovered physically to some degree, but his mind was just not the same. It never recovered.
But he is a star at hosting. Most people we know think that I’m exaggerating.
Now I watch him being chipped away.... nothing I can do. I watch and wait. It’s all I can do.
Please take care, thinking of you, love B xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
People with frontal lobe dementias dont all get sexual obsessions, but they often get obsessions about something. Sometimes its drinking alcohol, or food obsessions, having to sweep up the leaves in the garden or making notes about everything they do in their calendar......
 

DebbyR

New member
Dec 31, 2018
5
0
Stupid thread, but I’m sitting here trying to be patient, looking at the man I’ve been with for nearly 50 years and wondering where he has gone?
When did all this really start?
Why him?
Why me?
What have we done to deserve this?
It’s breaking my heart?
I can’t believe that tomorrow could be worse than today.
That it can’t get easier than today, and today is so hard.
Life can be so cruel.
I am not sure who has him, but I want him back.
He’s mine....
I completely understand how you are feeling. I look at my husband sometimes and wonder who he is and what happened to the man I loved who was so full of life, ambition and determination. He was the main cook in our family for 40 years but can barely cook at all now. He doesn't realize how bad things are and thinks I am mean for sometimes (often actually) losing patience. I pray every night for God to give me patience and understanding. I know he can't help what is happening to him and I hate myself for not being more patient but question after question after question about the same subjects all day long wears on me. People look at me oddly when I say it is like living with a stranger, but it is. He is just not the same person anymore and, like you, I want him back ... the man I have loved for 41 years!
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
925
0
Basingstoke, Hampshire
I look at my husband sometimes and wonder who he is and what happened to the man I loved who was so full of life, ambition and determination. He was the main cook in our family for 40 years but can barely cook at all now. He doesn't realize how bad things are and thinks I am mean for sometimes (often actually) losing patience. I pray every night for God to give me patience and understanding. I know he can't help what is happening to him and I hate myself for not being more patient but question after question after question about the same subjects all day long wears on me. People look at me oddly when I say it is like living with a stranger, but it is. He is just not the same person anymore and, like you, I want him back ... the man I have loved for 41 years!

I could have written those words myself. We will have been married 50 years in March. This is not how I expected to spend my retirement.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I completely understand how you are feeling. I look at my husband sometimes and wonder who he is and what happened to the man I loved who was so full of life, ambition and determination. He was the main cook in our family for 40 years but can barely cook at all now. He doesn't realize how bad things are and thinks I am mean for sometimes (often actually) losing patience. I pray every night for God to give me patience and understanding. I know he can't help what is happening to him and I hate myself for not being more patient but question after question after question about the same subjects all day long wears on me. People look at me oddly when I say it is like living with a stranger, but it is. He is just not the same person anymore and, like you, I want him back ... the man I have loved for 41 years!
Hi Debby, thank you for your post. I understand everything you say.
It made me have a wry smile when you mentioned cooking. My husband would always have a casserole waiting when I worked at the weekend, he always made a fab chilli on a Sunday, and he cooked Christmas dinner. I can see him in his man apron...
I haven’t cooked a Christmas dinner for over 30 years! I used to swig the sherry, go red in the face and giggle a lot. It used to irritate him so I was banished from the kitchen!
This year I cooked the dinner in its entirety. It’s amazing what you can do with frozen and packet food! And it was delicious. My husband kept coming into the kitchen. He knew it was wrong somehow. But he made no attempt to get involved. He hasn’t even cooked toast since he had sepsis in early March.
I think it is impossible to not react when they do or say something you don’t understand, or your not expecting. So many times I look at my husband to see if he is joking, but as soon as I see his face I know he can’t joke anymore. And as for reacting to his aggression. I try to walk away but it’s self preservation... I have no choice but to vent how I feel. I do regret screaming that I hated him. I don’t of course, but it was guaranteed that he remembered that and throws it back at me. So massive guilt trip.
I feel more and more that I’m living with a child. I still love him, but I never thought this would be how we would spend our well earned retirement. Like a child I want to have a tantrum and shout THIS ISN'T FAIR.
Take care of yourself, I’m always here, love B xx
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
I completely understand how you are feeling. I look at my husband sometimes and wonder who he is and what happened to the man I loved who was so full of life, ambition and determination. He was the main cook in our family for 40 years but can barely cook at all now. He doesn't realize how bad things are and thinks I am mean for sometimes (often actually) losing patience. I pray every night for God to give me patience and understanding. I know he can't help what is happening to him and I hate myself for not being more patient but question after question after question about the same subjects all day long wears on me. People look at me oddly when I say it is like living with a stranger, but it is. He is just not the same person anymore and, like you, I want him back ... the man I have loved for 41 years!

Welcome to TP @DebbyR. I’m glad you’re finding the forum helpful.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
People with frontal lobe dementias dont all get sexual obsessions, but they often get obsessions about something. Sometimes its drinking alcohol, or food obsessions, having to sweep up the leaves in the garden or making notes about everything they do in their calendar......
I spoke to our GP today, he thinks I should arrange for my husband to see the mental health team, and not wait until July. He thought it was more vascular. And he is concerned about his aggression.
Thank you for everything, love B xx
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
5,064
0
I spoke to our GP today, he thinks I should arrange for my husband to see the mental health team, and not wait until July. He thought it was more vascular. And he is concerned about his aggression.
Thank you for everything, love B xx
Hi I'm so pleased that the Dr Is now concerned. Please make the appointment with the mental health team asap . I am concerned for you.
Best wishes
Susan
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
Hi I'm so pleased that the Dr Is now concerned. Please make the appointment with the mental health team asap . I am concerned for you.
Best wishes
Susan
Thank you Susan, it’s lovely that you care.
I will get in touch after New Year, everyone (except us!!) are probably getting ready to see the New Year in. We will be safe and sound, hopefully, in bed!
Love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I have just been sitting in silence reading all the thread. What awful times you are all having.
I had almost forgotten.
It’s the 3rd Christmas since my lovely husband , who has mixed dementia, was sectioned from the hospital, to the mental hospital dementia unit. His dementia had become so aggressive towards me and the carers , who came to help shower him, unsuccessfully latterly .
The police were called to protect the ambulance crew who came after the doctor decided I could not be safe anymore .
In A&E where he was taken first, it was an absolute nightmare . He was crashing and bashing around all round the triage area all night, no doctor assessing him to sedate. Fortunately our son was able to take over from me about 2am so I could get home for a few hours exhausted sleep.
By the time I went back at 6 .30 they had managed to find a bed for my husband in the assessment 8 bed ward. As he had tried to smash a computer monitor. And my son went off to work , having been up all night and at work the previous day .
So I took over walking round and round the unit with husband. His balance had gone and he was leaning over to the side as he walked, I called it his banana walk, and was really worried he would fall and break something.
Eventually around 4.30pm he thought he saw something on the floor and bent over to pick it up. Of course he fell, right in front of the nurses station .
At this point, I was so exhausted I turned to the nurses and said that they would have to take over. I couldn’t keep him safe. And I left. I went home.
Two hours later I got a call on my mobile to say he was in the psycho-geriatric ward.
When I got there half an hour later I saw him wandering along the corridor with a security man beside him.
Eventually a doctor came to tell me they had sectioned him. And gave him 2 sedative injections, which finally got him to sit still.
A long story which I am not going to carry on with as it went from bad to worse.
The latest is he has been in a care home a year and 9 months,and the mental hospital for 4 months, away from me.
It’s really hard being on my own. It was so intense for 3 years looking after him at home with double incontinence latterly.
I visit every day as he requires 100% assistance, I help with his evening meal.
I get an occasional smile, he can’t speak. But he’s still in there.
The pearl inside the oyster shell, as Teepa Snow, the Texan OT for dementia on Google says.
A brilliant site which helped me enormously, to understand this awful disease.
I’m sorry about such a long post.
I haven’t spoken to anybody today and I have to get some milk now before I go to the home for the evening to help and be with him, he’s a shadow of the man I love but I still do.
And hopefully some of you reading this will reconcile with your PWD too.

Such a brave post, it is humbling.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I have been burying my head in the sand.
If I do that then things might change, they could miraculously get better, or perhaps they will go away.
But they don’t, all that happens is that I get sand in my ears!
I’m not sure whether my husband has an infection, or whether his dementia has had a noticeable change? And his memory... it’s so odd. It’s there, but in the same breath it isn’t. He just confuses me.
My husband is getting increasingly verbally aggressive and unpleasant. I try not to react, but I can’t always do that. When I do react it becomes worse.
His aggression is always worse when I’m changing his Incontinence pads, which is at least five times a day. I do this in a confined space for hygiene reasons.
But yesterday he got more physically aggressive and he pushed me over. I walked away wondering if I had goaded him in some way. I know I’m no angel.
When I was out shopping the mental health nurse called me. It was so good to talk to her knowing that my husband wasn’t listening over my shoulder. It was helpful to explain where I think things have changed. They can’t medicate for his aggression because of his health issues.
I think writing on here, just getting my mixed up emotions written down, helps me.
I don’t think what I have written today will make much sense, because I can’t make much sense of our life, or of my life.
I guess everything is just getting too much.
Or perhaps I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
Then I feel guilty because as things go my/our life is much easier than it is for so many others.
I know my husband can’t help how he is.
I wish I could just see him as he was such a short time ago.
I miss my husbands love, comfort and support so much.
B xx
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,746
0
84
East of England
Dear @Sad Staffs I just want to send you a message of comfort in your distress. It does seem like a burden too far and I am thinking of you hoping that you could get some help from the mental health nurse. It seems to me that you should have some nursing help or wouldn’t your husband agree?