Who has stolen my husband?

[AliceA]

I always feel better when I have showered, glad the wound has healed. Bodies are amazing!
I too wake in the early hours, my iPad is my second best friend! I play solitaire, a game of draughts. Check a few emails, sometimes come on here. We do go to bed earlier these days. Then I try and sleep for a bit.
The item on Carers was brief it was about Care in a home, not us after all.
Just sitting with a tea, Pukka sent me three boxes of green tea with matcha and ginseng. A trial three a day before mid afternoon. Taste is ok, I do not like all green teas. I did a survey before and will after.
Xxx

 

[Sad Staffs]

I always feel better when I have showered, glad the wound has healed. Bodies are amazing!
I too wake in the early hours, my iPad is my second best friend! I play solitaire, a game of draughts. Check a few emails, sometimes come on here. We do go to bed earlier these days. Then I try and sleep for a bit.
The item on Carers was brief it was about Care in a home, not us after all.
Just sitting with a tea, Pukka sent me three boxes of green tea with matcha and ginseng. A trial three a day before mid afternoon. Taste is ok, I do not like all green teas. I did a survey before and will after.
Xxx

Thank you Alice... hope you are ok?
I haven’t been on TP for a few days. Sometimes I just want to wrap myself in a blanket of ignorance. I guess we all try to cope in our own way. Sometimes we can, and sometimes we can’t!
Thinking about you, and sending love, B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

I’m finding Christmas hard this year. As I’m sure everyone else on here will be. Trying my hardest to ignore it, but it’s impossible. I don’t want to begrudge people enjoying themselves, having fun, going to gatherings.... I guess I want the two of us to be oblivious and left alone.
I know I’m miserable, sorry.
On the positive side, my wound is good, physio are happy with me, and I’m on one stick or crutch depending on where I’m going. Desperately hoping I don’t end up with a limp, so working on the exercises.
Things are fairly quiet here. I still don’t have a clue about dementia! I guess I don’t want to! Does it help to understand when it’s so unpredictable?
But I am terrified that things will get worse. And I know it’s inevitable.
I don’t know how I will cope. What will I do?
Life is hard and can be very cruel.
Well, that’s me... bah humbug!
Sending love to you all, B xx

 

[Guzelle]

Sorry to hear this sad staffs. I definitely know what you are talking a pout my OH always says to me you are never in when I have been out for a couple of hours on my own. That’s bad enough but as you are still recuperating from your operation you need looking after! Maybe he could go back into respite or could you get a carer to come in to see to his needs. It’s awful this dementia and there seems to be no end to it. I don’t know how we carry on!

 

[AliceA]

It is understandable. You need to recover from the operation not just physically but the preceding weeks were so stressful.
I think just quietly being together is enough, we were going to walk up to the hall for a Christmas party put on by the village coffee morning.
My husband was looking forward to it yesterday, it was in his diary. He writes events in that, utter panic if it gets mislaid.
However he has only just got up so I cannot see it happening. He may have forgot or think it is another day or not feel up to it. When he emerges I will take it how it comes!
I am content not to go! I have a workman in for two days so I need the time.
I have promised to put the small tree up by Saturday. I have kept things simple, a few treats that will be spread over the next few weeks.
Buy yourself a treat too. Try not to look too far forward, today has enough challenges.
He has just come for breakfast, he remembers so I said we will if ready in time.
His long term memory cracks in so he thinks we can get there in minutes.
I think as he cannot be left at all, I have lowered expectations!

Thinking of you too. Xxx

 

[highland girl]

I’m finding Christmas hard this year. As I’m sure everyone else on here will be. Trying my hardest to ignore it, but it’s impossible. I don’t want to begrudge people enjoying themselves, having fun, going to gatherings.... I guess I want the two of us to be oblivious and left alone.
I know I’m miserable, sorry.
On the positive side, my wound is good, physio are happy with me, and I’m on one stick or crutch depending on where I’m going. Desperately hoping I don’t end up with a limp, so working on the exercises.
Things are fairly quiet here. I still don’t have a clue about dementia! I guess I don’t want to! Does it help to understand when it’s so unpredictable?
But I am terrified that things will get worse. And I know it’s inevitable.
I don’t know how I will cope. What will I do?
Life is hard and can be very cruel.
Well, that’s me... bah humbug!
Sending love to you all, B xx

@Sad Staffs hi Barbara glad to here your wound is healing nicely. I think after everything you’ve been through you’re entitled to just cozy up and relax. Regarding the dementia it’s strange we look forward and think we won’t be able to cope but sometimes it’s so gradual we adjust with it, I’m not saying it’s easy none of this is easy, but you adapt with it, until you reach the point when you know you can’t, and I think most people must dread that big decision time, so try to take it as it comes. I’ve read as much as I could but no two people are the same anyway. My OH is still
In hospital, got over his stomach bleed but struggling to get him out of bed on his feet and not eating much. They talking about him going I to a rehab centre for a bit to get him back on his feet. My initial reaction was I want him home. But following discussions with my sons I know I won’t be able to cope as he is so maybe fit the best but first Christmas apart for 42 years and I’m not taking it well! But it’s best for him too. Spending most of my day at the hospital with him. Anyway have a lovely Christmas even tho we may not feel
like celebrating. Lots of love Shirley xx merry Christmas to other readers/posters tooxxx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Sorry to hear this sad staffs. I definitely know what you are talking a pout my OH always says to me you are never in when I have been out for a couple of hours on my own. That’s bad enough but as you are still recuperating from your operation you need looking after! Maybe he could go back into respite or could you get a carer to come in to see to his needs. It’s awful this dementia and there seems to be no end to it. I don’t know how we carry on!

Hi @Guzelle , thank you. It would be a logical option to have a carer come in, but I don’t think a carer would come in at the times required, when his pads need changing. There are no fixed times. It’s as and when, 5 times a day on average. I am lucky that once a fortnight I have a lady to vacuum and do the things I struggle with. She is worth her weight in gold. She is my respite!
My husband is terrified of going back into respite. I think things are going to have to go downhill for respite to happen again, or hopefully no more hospital stays for me. Fingers crossed anyway! Take care, B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

It is understandable. You need to recover from the operation not just physically but the preceding weeks were so stressful.
I think just quietly being together is enough, we were going to walk up to the hall for a Christmas party put on by the village coffee morning.
My husband was looking forward to it yesterday, it was in his diary. He writes events in that, utter panic if it gets mislaid.
However he has only just got up so I cannot see it happening. He may have forgot or think it is another day or not feel up to it. When he emerges I will take it how it comes!
I am content not to go! I have a workman in for two days so I need the time.
I have promised to put the small tree up by Saturday. I have kept things simple, a few treats that will be spread over the next few weeks.
Buy yourself a treat too. Try not to look too far forward, today has enough challenges.
He has just come for breakfast, he remembers so I said we will if ready in time.
His long term memory cracks in so he thinks we can get there in minutes.
I think as he cannot be left at all, I have lowered expectations!

Thinking of you too. Xxx

Hi Alice
Did you get to your Christmas party? If you did then I hope you managed to enjoy it.
We had a lovely treat today. An unexpected parcel was delivered. No idea what, not expecting anything. It was a gorgeous hamper from my son and wife, full of wine and treats. I think they think things are bad for us and we might starve!
My online Christmas food will be delivered tomorrow with loads of treats!

I was really interested to read about your husbands diary input. My husband keeps a diary on his iPad. He notes everything that is going to happen, who will be visiting, appointments etc. Yet, WHY can’t he remember what he has to do when he gets out of bed, or when I change his pad? He will stand there asking me what he has to do, so I say pull your trousers down, step by step. Yet he can remember to fill his diary, everything. And mostly.... it’s correct! I don’t understand. Will I ever understand. Is life testing me?

Take care Alice, stay warm and stay safe, love B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

@Sad Staffs hi Barbara glad to here your wound is healing nicely. I think after everything you’ve been through you’re entitled to just cozy up and relax. Regarding the dementia it’s strange we look forward and think we won’t be able to cope but sometimes it’s so gradual we adjust with it, I’m not saying it’s easy none of this is easy, but you adapt with it, until you reach the point when you know you can’t, and I think most people must dread that big decision time, so try to take it as it comes. I’ve read as much as I could but no two people are the same anyway. My OH is still
In hospital, got over his stomach bleed but struggling to get him out of bed on his feet and not eating much. They talking about him going I to a rehab centre for a bit to get him back on his feet. My initial reaction was I want him home. But following discussions with my sons I know I won’t be able to cope as he is so maybe fit the best but first Christmas apart for 42 years and I’m not taking it well! But it’s best for him too. Spending most of my day at the hospital with him. Anyway have a lovely Christmas even tho we may not feel
like celebrating. Lots of love Shirley xx merry Christmas to other readers/posters tooxxx

Hi Shirley, lovely to catch up with how things are with you.
I’m really pleased the stomach bleed is sorted. Did they find out why he got the bleed? It’s awful to see them so frail and thin when they have always been strong and proud.
It’s good that they will continue with his care in rehab. I can understand that you want him home, but it doesn’t sound as though he is able to do that yet.
Being apart, and your first Christmas apart, is going to be tough for you, but I hope you will be able to spend lots of time with him.
I also hope that you can get some comfort from your family, especially when you and your husband will be apart.
Take care Shirley, hope to speak to you again very soon,
with love Barbara xx

 

[AliceA]

Hi Alice
Did you get to your Christmas party? If you did then I hope you managed to enjoy it.
We had a lovely treat today. An unexpected parcel was delivered. No idea what, not expecting anything. It was a gorgeous hamper from my son and wife, full of wine and treats. I think they think things are bad for us and we might starve!
My online Christmas food will be delivered tomorrow with loads of treats!

I was really interested to read about your husbands diary input. My husband keeps a diary on his iPad. He notes everything that is going to happen, who will be visiting, appointments etc. Yet, WHY can’t he remember what he has to do when he gets out of bed, or when I change his pad? He will stand there asking me what he has to do, so I say pull your trousers down, step by step. Yet he can remember to fill his diary, everything. And mostly.... it’s correct! I don’t understand. Will I ever understand. Is life testing me?

Take care Alice, stay warm and stay safe, love B xx

How lovely to get a hamper of goodies.
Well we did not make it! No surprise there. By the time we could have started to walk up it would have been over.
I was glad of the extra time at home though, until yesterday I had a workman here for a few days so was glad to catch up. I had several things piled up. I had to prepare a parcel for a Hermes collection tomorrow. A simple banking thing took hours plus phone call and many attempts. The bank have changed the app I use.
We have got the tree ready to decorate tomorrow,
My husband was still very active 18 years ago, but I was concerned about his memory I used to have to remind him to phone someone etc. We were both involved in some work with a group. That's is when the diary habit started, a small black book!
It was useful, now everything is put in even some events we would not go to,
I think when he realised he was forgetting it became a memory aid, now it is that but an anchor too.
It is a strange illness, sometimes there almost seems nothing wrong, then there is a disinterest. A need for monitoring constantly, prompts.
It was brought home the other day when we needed to sort out new keys. I bought coloured key caps to help identify. I have persuaded ( I think ) that he does not need all in his pocket all the time.
Suddenly Christmas looks more possible, I has a burst of energy and cleaned the glass doors on the bookcases, we have a lot! The mirrors sparkle. Cards were sent a few days ago, I really was running late.
My order is coming on Christmas Eve but I have been getting a few treats over the last few week. I have put one in for the 31st too.
We usually sit up, days of parties are over!
I had a chat with my carer assessor, she has been supportive, she has another idea about transport for a day centre, she she will follow it up in the New Year. People had left for the holiday.
She wished me a peaceful Christmas, I said that is what we all need on here. Well yawning now, so I think I will settle early tonight. Please pace yourself, really nothing is that important apart from keeping on an even keel!

Much love, Alice xxx

 

[kindred]

Hi Alice
Did you get to your Christmas party? If you did then I hope you managed to enjoy it.
We had a lovely treat today. An unexpected parcel was delivered. No idea what, not expecting anything. It was a gorgeous hamper from my son and wife, full of wine and treats. I think they think things are bad for us and we might starve!
My online Christmas food will be delivered tomorrow with loads of treats!

I was really interested to read about your husbands diary input. My husband keeps a diary on his iPad. He notes everything that is going to happen, who will be visiting, appointments etc. Yet, WHY can’t he remember what he has to do when he gets out of bed, or when I change his pad? He will stand there asking me what he has to do, so I say pull your trousers down, step by step. Yet he can remember to fill his diary, everything. And mostly.... it’s correct! I don’t understand. Will I ever understand. Is life testing me?

Take care B, stay warm and stay safe, love B xx

Ah my darling, about being tested. someone famous said life breaks all of us but some are strong in the broken places. Let's hope that is true. Lovely about the hamper.
As for your husband's diary, there's a disconnect between intellect and action going on there but apart from knowing the theory, how does that help? We shall get through this my darling.
with all love, Geraldinexxxx

 

[Susan11]

Ah my darling, about being tested. someone famous said life breaks all of us but some are strong in the broken places. Let's hope that is true. Lovely about the hamper.
As for your husband's diary, there's a disconnect between intellect and action going on there but apart from knowing the theory, how does that help? We shall get through this my darling.
with all love, Geraldinexxxx

Definitely a disconnect . I put a note on Mum's mirror reminding her to put in her hearing aids. She said she loved reading it everyday as it reminded her of me ...but she never put in her hearing aids!
Best wishes Susan

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi Alice, @AliceA
Lovely to read your post. I’m sorry you didn’t make it, but... you have found a burst of energy. An extra Christmas present perhaps
Days of parties are past... yes, I like to close the curtains (my beautiful mother taught me to conserve energy, perhaps she was before her time), heating full blast (what else are we going to spend money on), and feet on the stool watching rubbish tv!
Fingers crossed that the carers assessor can help you with transport. I’m lucky that I can still drive, swapped our massive Land Rover for a weeny car (I couldn’t park the other one!), because where we live is very hilly, to get to a bus stop, well, neither of us could walk there. So goodness knows what will happen when I can’t drive!
My order is due today. Bit early but only slot I could get at the time.
Good luck with yours Alice, with putting the tree up, and in general with our trials and tribulations.
Take care of yourself, with love B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Ah my darling, about being tested. someone famous said life breaks all of us but some are strong in the broken places. Let's hope that is true. Lovely about the hamper.
As for your husband's diary, there's a disconnect between intellect and action going on there but apart from knowing the theory, how does that help? We shall get through this my darling.
with all love, Geraldinexxxx

Thanks Geraldine for being there.
Not sure how strong I am at the moment. Sometimes I question how I feel about him, and that makes me upset, because I do still love him, he just makes it so hard. Sometimes. Not all the time.
I hate myself for envying my cousin who has lost her husband.
He has gone, but mine is still there.... but he isn’t is he?
Such confusion...
With love to you, Barbara xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Definitely a disconnect . I put a note on Mum's mirror reminding her to put in her hearing aids. She said she loved reading it everyday as it reminded her of me ...but she never put in her hearing aids!
Best wishes Susan

Ah, Susan, your message brought a tear to my eye. It must be so hard for you to see your Mom like this. But I was touched that she could still tell you that she loved reading your message everyday...
Love B xx

 

[Susan11]

Ah, Susan, your message brought a tear to my eye. It must be so hard for you to see your Mom like this. But I was touched that she could still tell you that she loved reading your message everyday...
Love B xx

Thank you. Mum's in a CH now and she seems to be settled at the moment. Her dementia is not too bad and she's not diagnosed. She still recognises us when we visit and her face lights up when she sees us.

 

[Sad Staffs]

Will I ever learn?
I got up, washed, dressed, then went back to get husband up.
He has a bad knee. So he asked if he needed his walking stick. I don’t know, I said, how bad is it?
That was it.... he blew. Screaming, swearing, threatening to hit me. Waving his arm in front of my face as if he was going to back hand me, then poking his finger in my face, caught me on the lip. Looked like he was going to push me over. Not a good idea as I’m still wobbly on my own crutch! Kept telling me to go away, but how can I when I have to take his night pads away and replace with fresh?
Now we are downstairs. I’ve made him his porridge, he ate it all, but he didn’t like it. Didn’t like yesterday’s either apparently! Nor did he like the cheese and tomato sandwich I did for his lunch. Nor did he like the curry I cooked last night so he tells me!
Agh..... I want to scream, hit him, walk away, leave....
But, how can I?
He only has me, can do very little or does very little for himself.
Then he phoned his brother and had the most normal of conversations.
Does he hate me? Does he care for me anymore? Does he still love me?
I’m damned if I know...
but I do think deep down he could be chipping away at the very love I have always had for him. And that makes me heartbroken.
Love B xx

 

[Susan11]

Will I ever learn?
I got up, washed, dressed, then went back to get husband up.
He has a bad knee. So he asked if he needed his walking stick. I don’t know, I said, how bad is it?
That was it.... he blew. Screaming, swearing, threatening to hit me. Waving his arm in front of my face as if he was going to back hand me, then poking his finger in my face, caught me on the lip. Looked like he was going to push me over. Not a good idea as I’m still wobbly on my own crutch! Kept telling me to go away, but how can I when I have to take his night pads away and replace with fresh?
Now we are downstairs. I’ve made him his porridge, he ate it all, but he didn’t like it. Didn’t like yesterday’s either apparently! Nor did he like the cheese and tomato sandwich I did for his lunch. Nor did he like the curry I cooked last night so he tells me!
Agh..... I want to scream, hit him, walk away, leave....
But, how can I?
He only has me, can do very little or does very little for himself.
Then he phoned his brother and had the most normal of conversations.
Does he hate me? Does he care for me anymore? Does he still love me?
I’m damned if I know...
but I do think deep down he could be chipping away at the very love I have always had for him. And that makes me heartbroken.
Love B xx

What a difficult time you are having. I'm touched that you can find time to reply to my message. I have no words to make it better for you. I wish I had .

 

[Starbright]

Hi B...oh your having it tough just now ...when my husband starts with all of the nastiness it can be quite scary but I stand back and don’t reply if it goes on I leave him for 5 or 10 minutes then go back and see how he is. ((he’s been ill for 7 years now)) It has taken me a very long time to learn not to react, there have been many rows and tears and me wishing I was somewhere else over the years.He’s a little more compliant now (( I love that word)) and sometimes time does ease the distress.

So my advice if it helps is leave the room get a bit of space go back later with a painted on smile and a cup of tea sometimes works for me ...do take care thinking of you and here’s (((((hug))))) A x

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi B...oh your having it tough just now ...when my husband starts with all of the nastiness it can be quite scary but I stand back and don’t reply if it goes on I leave him for 5 or 10 minutes then go back and see how he is. ((he’s been ill for 7 years now)) It has taken me a very long time to learn not to react, there have been many rows and tears and me wishing I was somewhere else over the years.He’s a little more compliant now (( I love that word)) and sometimes time does ease the distress.

So my advice if it helps is leave the room get a bit of space go back later with a painted on smile and a cup of tea sometimes works for me ...do take care thinking of you and here’s (((((hug))))) A x

Thank you... he is really angry and yet pathetic today. I wish I could control myself better. Wish I was a better person. Thanks for the hug, love B xx